It is also a kind of harm to praise children often.

It is also a kind of harm to praise children often.

It is also a kind of harm to praise children often. Praising children often encourages them to make progress at some time, but it will make them have no correct judgment. Let's talk about this investigation. It is also a kind of harm to praise children often.

It is also a kind of harm to praise children often. 1 1 Don't praise others in front of their children.

As we all know, China people regard modesty as a virtue, and some young parents always like to praise other people's children casually in front of their own children. How do they react to children under 10?

A young mother in the neighborhood once casually said, "Ah! Your little sister is so cute and cute. Unlike my Lele, she is only naughty and annoying. " Lele on the side opened her eyes wide and said timidly, "Mom, I'm fine." Unexpectedly, her mother said loudly, "You are naughty and annoying when you are good. Go away! " After a few days, people found that Lele had changed. Naive and lively Lele saw her mother come back, hiding behind the chair and afraid to go forward. Mom said, "Lele came to kiss mom!" " "Lele kissed her mother carefully, and then came up with a sentence:" Mom, I'm fine, don't be sad. "All the people present were shocked.

Xiaodong's father invited several buddies over for dinner, and after a few glasses of wine, several people praised their children. My father said casually, "I like my son very much." My Xiaodong is going to become a son, and I am so happy to jump off the building! " Xiaodong hurried to the kitchen and asked his mother in an untidy language, "Can I become a son?" "Mom said," what are you talking about? It won't change. "Xiaodong used to sleep well. My mother doesn't know why Xiaodong is always restless at night these days. He seemed scared when he woke up. On Saturday, I went to my grandmother's house. I didn't see my father as soon as I entered the door. I cried that my father jumped off the building. It really shocked my grandmother. When father came back and told the whole story, his family laughed it off. However, Xiaodong said to himself for a long time: "No change, no change, my dad won't jump off a building. "

In children's hearts, parents love themselves and them the most. Once parents praise other children, they may think that their parents don't love themselves and have a strong sense of loss.

Some young parents always think that they are children and know nothing, let alone self-esteem. But from the above example, children can not only understand, but also have a fierce reaction in their own hearts. They have high self-esteem and cherish themselves very much. Young parents must pay attention to these "little things" everywhere, otherwise they will seriously hurt their children and make them lose their psychological balance.

2. It is also a kind of injury to praise children often.

Sitcom staged

Mom's praise is on her lips.

One day, Yang Yang helped his mother sweep the floor, and her mother said, "You are really a good boy." Another day, Yang Yang brought the painting back from kindergarten. Her mother said, "You are so smart." Mother thinks that praising children often can help him build up self-confidence and feel safe.

When Yang Yang paints with his mother, he stops every few strokes and asks, "Am I smart?" If his mother didn't praise him "smart" in time, Yang Yang wouldn't want to paint any more.

On weekends, the family went out to play. Everyone sat on the grass for a picnic. Six-year-old Niu Niu looked at the scenery quietly, lost in thought. Mother said to Niu Niu, "You are a good boy. You are very good today. " After a while, Niu Niu picked up a tomato and threw it at her mother, which made her clothes dirty.

What's wrong with mom?

Too many compliments. Babies don't like adventure.

If children are often praised for their cleverness, they are probably unwilling to accept challenging learning tasks because they don't want to risk losing high marks.

Praise can also lead to nervousness and misbehavior. Freud, a famous psychologist, believes that human instinct can be divided into two categories: the instinct of life and the instinct of death. Among them, the instinct of death often represents an instinct of destruction. Later, Niu Niu slowly told the reason for the trouble: during the picnic, the mother kept holding her brother and drinking milk. At this time, he had an idea that if his mother accidentally dropped his brother into the river, he would have to love him alone in the future. He felt very scared and guilty about the idea. At this time, his mother praised him for his kindness, which made him feel ashamed, so he tried his best to show that he didn't deserve that compliment.

Many children often have destructive wishes for family members. For example, he may wish his mother would disappear soon. When his parents tell him "you are a good boy", he will find it unacceptable because he has completely different views on these ideas. In order to show his "true self", he had to behave badly instead of being a "good boy".

Critical and evaluative compliments such as "You are a good boy" and "You are really good" sometimes make children anxious and encourage their dependence, which is not conducive to cultivating their ability of self-reliance, self-guidance, self-control and quality that is not affected by external views.

Psychologists' tricks

It's better to praise your achievements than your attitude.

It is normal and natural for a child to help his mother sweep the floor and say that he has worked hard, or that the ground looks so clean. But if you praise your child, "You are a good boy." "You are really a good helper for mom." "What would you do without your mother?" This may make children feel uneasy. He may feel that he is far from the standard of being a good boy, and then they may use inappropriate behavior to lighten their inner burden.

Praise the child's efforts, then he will pay more attention to his own efforts and learn to persevere in the face of difficult tasks. Direct praise of character, if there is no clear and sufficient reason for children to work hard, is as groundless as a tower built on sand.

Rather than saying "you paint really well", it is better to say "I am very happy that you paint seriously"; Rather than saying "you are great, you did so well in the math exam", let's say "this exam is better than last time". Instead of telling children "You are a good boy" all the time, let them know "You are you, you are unique, you have your advantages and disadvantages, likes and dislikes, and I know you are trying to make progress". There is a subtle but important difference between these two kinds of praise, in which the measure depends on the mother's situation according to her child. But in short, the message we want to convey to children is that we like and appreciate their efforts, work and creation, and we can accept their limitations and shortcomings. We should let our children have a realistic understanding of themselves through our praise and avoid the pressure interference of external evaluative praise, so that children will not always seek recognition from others.

3. Praise children for accepting and appreciating.

Some parents are worried: how can children be praised if they are not excellent? Praise your child for being good, but what about your child's pride? In fact, every child must have something excellent. When parents carefully observe, appropriately lower their expectations, and don't always compare their children's weaknesses with other children's strengths, they will certainly find many advantages in their children.

Many scholars emphasize praising children, but don't brag, so that children feel that praise is not so "valuable". Praise is not only a compliment in language, but also a good attitude-parents' attitude towards their children, such as trust, full of interest in him and happy about the existence of their children.

If parents like to say, "No matter what happens to you, as long as you live healthily and happily, we feel very satisfied", children will unconsciously hope that their parents will be satisfied, be happy when something happens, and be willing to think positively about everything. Parents like to say "children must study hard". Although they express concern and supervision, they let their children read "If you don't study hard, mom and dad won't like you". Then, learning is more meaningful and stressful than its own meaning, and it is only a matter of time before children get tired of learning. Parents unconditionally accept their children, whether smart or stupid, children will develop smoothly according to their natural abilities, even more creative and self-aware than other children.

Even a smart and capable child, if his parents always accept him selectively and conditionally, he needs to separate himself from what his parents like, what their parents like and what they don't like. If he spends his energy on this matter, he can't devote himself to growth and learning. So, can you always praise your children? Don't! Children can't boast unconditionally, and boasting will also cause problems. Praising one thing often means denying the child another.

Therefore, it is better to accept and appreciate children than to talk in language. This is to seek the consistency of values between children and parents, and there can be differences in values between them. Language expression will give children misunderstandings and illusions, and the attitude of accepting and trusting him is not easy to be misinterpreted.

4. Did your praise for children reach the standard?

16 I'm flattered

Children need praise, just as young trees need sunshine and rain. Children need criticism, just as young trees need pruning. Praise is not always a good thing, and excessive praise may hurt children. Criticism is not all bad, but it may nourish children's body and mind. As a parent, do you praise your children "up to standard"?

If children's little achievements and efforts are seedlings, praise is fertile soil, and seedlings thrive on the soil. Every child needs constant encouragement from childhood to adulthood. Parents' enthusiastic praise can help children master more skills, improve IQ and EQ, and gradually cultivate self-confidence. Moreover, led by high emotions, children may consciously and voluntarily let themselves have a "triple jump" to do things better in front of them. It seems that it is true to tell us with facts that "good children are mostly boasted".

However, don't think this is a simple thing. Criticism needs art, and praise is not so easy to achieve.

Standard 1: sunshine and rain every day.

Proper praise is the nutrient for children's growth, and praising children every day is a compulsory course for parents, just like eating and sleeping. Praise is the sunshine and rain in a child's life. Even if the child has done something wrong and experienced failure, parents should find the shining core and give the child the confidence and courage to stand up. Parents are satisfied, and children have the motivation to move forward.

Standard 2: The more compliments, the better.

Some parents have an illusion about the understanding of "appreciation education": praise is directly proportional to children's progress. This is the case with Ms. Huang, who was captured by "appreciation education" from the beginning of pregnancy. Now, my daughter Xixi is five years old and has been surrounded by praise for five years. Recently, Ms. Huang found that her daughter was particularly concerned about praise. If anyone says that a child is really obedient or polite to others, Xixi can't wait to shout: "I am better than him!" " If Xixi did something, even trivial things, and made some achievements, and her parents did not praise her in time or did not do it properly, she would be very unhappy, and her mood would suddenly fall from the peak to the bottom, and she would never be able to lift her spirits again when she did similar things in the future.

Too much praise will lead children to rely too much on praise and be particularly resistant to criticism. Too much praise can easily make children mistakenly think that their words and deeds can please their parents. Over time, they will form a mindset: "I did it to get praise from my parents, not for myself." Therefore, children pay special attention to others' concerns and opinions about themselves. After a long time, they lose their basic ability to distinguish right from wrong, and it is difficult to form a sense of self-evaluation.

Criterion 3: Praise is to "not praise"

Although children are young, their self-esteem may be stronger than adults. Parents' continuous protection of children's self-esteem can catalyze children's internal incentive mechanism, so that children can gain self-satisfaction and accomplishment without relying on others' evaluation of themselves, learn self-motivation, help children build self-confidence in a short time, and then do more things. In this sense, the purpose of praise is to "not praise" in the end. Knowing this, parents will have the "great wisdom" of praise, and maybe there will be no more problems.

Not all praise and praise are catalysts to motivate children to go up. This is a double-edged sword. Just like taking medicine, you can't use it casually. There are rules and taboos about time and dosage. Look at these scenes and compare them to see if your child has ever been praised and "hurt".

First-degree injury: good words are bad words-hitting praise hurts the most.

Ms. Jin assigned the children the task of taking care of goldfish and watering potted tomatoes. But the children either feed the goldfish twice a day or forget to feed them for three days; Drinking water by yourself often reminds others, so I can't remember the water of the little tomato. But in the past three days, he has completed the task well. Ms. Jin praised in amazement: "You finally remembered what to do these days. It is true that the sun rises in the west! " ! Don't forget tomorrow! "

This kind of praise is reluctant, and it also contains criticism, which virtually discourages children's enthusiasm and makes them feel that they have done good things in vain. Parents' eyes are always fixed on their weak links, so that they can't turn over.

Praise of "reaching the standard": It is a happy thing for the whole family that the child has made progress at a certain point. If praise is overshadowed, it is mom and dad's fault. Instead of strengthening children's weaknesses, it is better to look at children's achievements, keep them in mind, highlight their own advantages, and let children know that their efforts have not been in vain. Therefore, for the improvement of children's sense of responsibility, mothers must affirm one by one: "Well, feeding fish is just right, the water has been changed, and the fish tank has been brushed; Water the tomato twice in the morning and evening, and its leaves smile. In this way, they will become stronger and stronger! " Children are young, but what they need is real praise. I hope parents can see all their efforts and don't ignore every bit.

Second injury: cleverness is mistaken by cleverness-unprincipled praise is counterproductive.

When the child finished a bowl of rice in front of her, Ms. Ma was overjoyed: "My son is great!" " The child said an advertisement on TV, and Ms. Ma added: "How clever!" The child fell and got up without crying. Ms. Ma was very excited: "Great!"

False praise: anything a child does, even the most legitimate growth, is great in the eyes of her mother, who will praise her child constantly and forever: "You are so smart!" " ""you are great! "

The mother hopes that she can't always send the message "You are the best" to her children, and hopes to build their confidence in winning the future. However, unprincipled praise may be counterproductive. This simple and irresponsible evaluation can easily lead children to be complacent in the face of achievements and retreat in the face of challenges, because they don't want to take risks and make mistakes, let alone experience failure, and don't want to bring any "stain" to their "smart" selves.

At the same time, children with "smart" information in their ears will have an illusion for a long time, putting all their good grades and their brains on both sides of the scale: smart is enough, so why bother? So it is possible to encounter more setbacks and failures than children who are not as smart as them. Faced with a sudden cold water, the psychological gap is likely to make them lose interest in learning and exploring.

Like "reaching the standard":

Praise for reaching the standard is practical, that is, it affirms the child's ability expansion, progress, achievements or unremitting efforts in a certain aspect. It is not to praise children's cleverness regardless of time, occasion and event. Therefore, when children learn to jump rope with each passing day, mothers should not praise their children as "really smart", but should say, "Last week, you could jump more than 50 times in a row, and now you can jump 160 times in a row. It is really useful to practice every day! " Letting children see that their efforts have paid off can enhance their inner sense of purpose and direction. When you recognize children's efforts, you are encouraging them to make persistent efforts, meet more challenges, and give them the courage to get up after falling, which can help children build self-confidence, because self-confidence is accompanied by difficulties.

Third degree injury: crooked-maybe the praise on the head doesn't matter.

Meng Xiao is happy to show his mother the picture he drew in kindergarten, which is a painting of a white rabbit pulling radish. His eyes look forward to ...

Mom praised in amazement: "Big painting, you must be the best in the class!" " "

This kind of praise has two disadvantages: the children in the class have different conditions and different starting points, so it is obviously unfair to compare children with others; Besides, today you boast that your child is the best in the class, and tomorrow your child will be depressed if he can't reach today's level, which invisibly puts pressure on his child. Another problem with it is that it is general and lacks pertinence.

Like "reaching the standard":

Big and empty praise can't give children a clear feeling, but it may build castle-like confidence in their hearts-that is, conceit. They blindly think they are good, but they don't know what is good, so it is difficult to form the correct judgment and discrimination ability of things. Praising children's work process can arouse their hearts more than praising their achievements, let them know that parents pay more attention to their children's efforts, pay attention to their little progress, and slowly help them build up their self-confidence. Through the refining process, strengthen every small success that children have achieved and find ways to deal with weaknesses, children can overcome every setback, face difficulties peacefully and avoid being defeated by small setbacks.

So, at this moment, my mother might as well say, "You have painted this picture with great care, and the color is not drawn outside the line at all;" The color is also very beautiful. Can you tell mom why you chose these colors? Why did you paint the clouds orange? "This will guide the child to say what he thinks, and then see how he expresses it with a brush. You may wish to make some suggestions. Mother's comments and guidance on works can arouse children's interest in painting, because mother gives him not only simple "good" and "bad" judgments, but also attention to the process, so that children can clearly feel their own abilities and satisfaction will arise.

Parents' "eye" is that they are keenly aware of when and how much their children need to "refuel". You know, for everything a child does, different praise methods will have different effects.

Praise the child's diligence rather than his intelligence.

When we say that children are gifted, we mean gifted. In fact, children's achievements are mainly achieved through hard work, not all due to talent. There is an old saying that "stupid birds fly first", which is actually a word of self-encouragement, so that future generations can understand it backwards.

The bird that flies first is not afraid of risks and has the spirit of challenge, which is exactly what our children should have. People's IQ is similar, and "stupidity" is mostly imposed on children by parents. According to reports, psychologists from Columbia University in new york conducted six experiments on 465,438+065,438+02 children aged 65,438+0, and found that those children who are called smart only pay too much attention to test scores and regard good grades as more important than anything else. When they encounter setbacks, they become depressed and unwilling to try to choose new and challenging learning tasks. Those children who are praised for their hard work have persistent self-motivation and interest in learning. They believe that their intelligence and ability can be improved through learning, so they are more willing to undertake risky and challenging learning tasks.

Therefore, when evaluating children, don't deny what you are born with. We should understand that hard work is the most valuable psychological quality, and with it, the motivation will be endless. The main task of family education is to teach children to work hard and study hard.

It is also a kind of harm to praise children often. For children, their self-awareness begins with the evaluation of others.

As parents, we often become the first evaluators of children. Our description of children will, to a certain extent, affect children's views on themselves and make them feel confident or inferior.

In life, parents often describe their children in three languages.

The first category is positive. For example, we say that a child is particularly polite, does things politely, and is an adult when getting along with others.

This is a particularly good praise for children, and such a label will improve our children's self-confidence and growth.

The second category is that we sometimes express some negative language to our children intentionally or unintentionally to describe and evaluate them.

Like, why are you so stupid? How many times have I told you, you can't grow a brain. These words are harmful and negative.

It will make our children doubt their abilities, which is obviously not good. Therefore, parents and friends are advised to try their best to get rid of these negative words in their lives.

Sometimes, we will say that children are lazy, which is the most common negative comment of parents in primary and secondary schools.

When a child thinks he is a "lazy man", that is not good. When it is time to get up in the morning, he will think: Anyway, my mother says I am a lazy egg, and it doesn't matter if I get up half an hour late.

When it was time to do his homework, he thought, Anyway, my mother says I'm a lazy egg, so I'll put it off for two days, or he won't do it at all.

Because our evaluation of children's laziness has caused great problems to children's daily study and life.

The third category is the kind of evaluation that looks good, but sometimes it will cause great trouble to children.

For example, "smart", I never let my friends praise my children for being smart, because there is a deep psychological implication behind the word smart: because you are smart enough, you can get good results at less cost in both study and work.

So when our children study, they don't work so hard and refuse to work hard. In the long run, it will seriously affect their academic performance, especially in middle school.

We will find that those children who are praised by others for their cleverness often follow the other half sentence: However, this child is careless.

Therefore, in guiding children's self-cognition, we should give them as many positive comments as possible to help them establish correct and good self-cognition.