Tell me some funny jokes. . .

The judge asked the defendant: Are you sure you are not lying?

Defendant: What do you mean?

What the judge can't understand is: You told me that you only had one brother, why did your sister say that she had two brothers?

A gentleman said to the repairman, help me check the tire.

The mechanic checked for a long time and said, you have four tires.

The airport tower asked a plane about to land: Please answer and tell us your altitude and location. I didn't expect to be the first one.

The pilot of the second pilot replied: My height is 5 feet 10 inch, and my position is in the right driver's seat.

Patient: I have a splitting headache.

The doctor didn't know what he was thinking at that time, and said something that he didn't even understand: try sticking it with glue.

2。 Customer: "Buy a catty of meatballs."

Shop assistant: "Please pay eight Liang food stamps."

Customer: Why do I have to pay food stamps to buy meatballs?

Salesman: "There are eight or two buns left in a catty of meatballs."

There was a young man who didn't want to join the army and pretended to have bad eyes during the physical examination.

Doctor: Where does this road lead?

Young man: what e?

Doctor: This one on the chart!

Young man: That can of eye chart?

Doctor: This one on the wall.

Young man: Which wall?

The doctor thinks that the young man's eyesight is very poor.

In the evening, the young man is watching a movie in the cinema. In the dark, he saw the doctor who examined his eyesight today come in. he

Sitting next to this young man. So the young man quickly said, madam, there are so many people in this car.

Ah!

Highest order

A friend went to Shaoshan to visit Chairman Mao Memorial Hall and asked about the fare. The concierge replied:

"Five dollars!"

"So expensive! ! "

"Look at the statue of the chairman."

I saw the chairman's left hand behind his back, his right hand with five fingers apart, waving (chairman's unique movements, such as waving a hat)

The child is rocking back and forth.

"Cheap ..."

……

"You are struggling enough. Well, let's go to the back."

? "Come back"?

The porter walked up and down behind the statue of the chairman.

"See for yourself, shall we?"

"yes."

The thumb of the chairman's left hand is bent.

sea-burial

In the promotion of funeral customs, a TV station interviewed the wife of the deceased on the spot: "Are you going to adopt sea burial?"

The woman shook her head again and again and said, "No, he can't swim."

There are many thieves.

A young man from other places went to a city in northeast China on business; Ask a local how many hotels there are to stay in.

Northeasters replied: there are many thieves, and there are many thieves! Scare the young man back again and again and get out of here.

Buy tapes

A person went to the audio-visual bookstore to buy tapes. The salesman asked him if he wanted light music. He said, it doesn't matter. I came by bus.

Yes

Police and criminals

A policeman escorted a prisoner to prison, and suddenly his hat was blown off by the wind.

"Can I help you with your hat?" Please ask the prisoner.

"Do you think I'm that stupid?" The policeman said, "You stand here and I'll get it." ...

Get to the point

Coach: There are two things that will stop you from becoming a good football player.

Player: What is it?

Coach: Your left foot and right foot.

curse

A beautiful woman married an ugly man. When a woman is pregnant, she watches her husband complain.

Say: If my child looks like you, you really should be cursed.

Her husband replied that if my children are not like me, you should be cursed.

Madame

Father: You are too old to find a wife.

Son: Yes, but there are too many people. Whose wife am I looking for?

Watch orangutans

Xiaohua's father is Xiaoming, the twin brother of the city zoo. On this day, I took two babies to drive orangutans. Xiaoming and Xiaohua wanted to see them.

Carefully ask dad to take them to feed the orangutans.

Xiaoming: Wow, so many orangutans.

Xiaohua: That's the biggest and that's the smallest.

Xiao Ming: It seems that there are no white orangutans.

Xiaohua: That one is grinning at us!

Orangutan A: Come and see, everyone. I brought two new foods.

Orangutan B: It's white.

mineral water

One day, when old friends got together, I couldn't help talking about all kinds of drinks on the market. A jun said that our company is going to make a plan.

Taste mineral water, please join us. When this language came out, there was an uproar.

Note: A Jun works in a waterworks.

Birthday information

One day, Chen Weng celebrated his birthday.

Xiao Wang also brought gifts to celebrate his birthday …

Everyone who arrived at the factory said a few auspicious words of congratulations to the birthday boy.

Xiao Wang is no exception.

When he said: I wish you a long life. ...

Then he was kicked out. ...

You know why?

Because Chen Weng was just ninety-nine years old that year. ...

Drivers and violations

It is said that drivers in Xi, Beijing and Shanghai will have different reactions after being caught by traffic police in violation of regulations:

Drivers in Xi 'an usually have to fight for a red face.

The Shanghai driver admitted that he was unlucky.

Drivers in Beijing generally beg for mercy: "Uncle, aunt, aunt, just be a fart and let me go."

equal treatment

A man is complaining about his marriage: how nice it was when he first got married. Every day when he comes back from work, his wife and puppy come to see him.

I opened my mouth to greet me, my wife brought me slippers, and the dog barked at me. Now, the dog brings me slippers and my wife barks at me.

Two little swallows are flying low in the air.

A swallow says it's going to rain. One is very skeptical: how do you know it will rain?

Haven't you heard that it's going to rain when the swallows fly low? The first swallow replied.

Poems mocking myopia:

Gigi Lai looked into your strange eyes with a smile and asked who he was.

The sun shines through the window lattice to get marbles, and the moon moves to get sticks.

Looking at the painted wall, my nose was blue, and I pinched my eyebrows for locking the book box.

There are laughing things, blowing lights and burning lips.

One orangutan looked at the palm of another orangutan and said sadly, your fate is tragic, and you will evolve into a human being.

Miss Zhang was hospitalized due to illness, and colleagues came to express their condolences!

Teacher Zhang: I'm really sorry. I have to bother to share my work with my colleagues these days!

Colleague a: actually, it's ok!

Mr. Wang makes tea!

Mr. Fang reads the newspaper!

Miss Lin is flirting with manager Li!

Great!

A gentleman said to Miss Wang: A beautiful woman doesn't need makeup …

Teacher Wang said shyly, thank you.

Unexpectedly, the genius added, I think you should put on some makeup!

Miss Wang: ...

Drunk

Gentlemen can't drink, good wine. Go out one day and get drunk at night. Q: "Is the sun in the sky? Or the moon? "

Answer: "This is not my home, how should I know?" Everyone laughed.

Hospital occasionally

The Admissions Office of the Third Hospital of Beijing Medical University has a revelation:

"The patient can't go through the hospitalization formalities until he goes to the hospital."

A nosy person can add a few strokes:

"If the patient fails, he can't go through the hospitalization procedure."

It's interesting.

A kindergarten aunt, husband and wife love each other. One day, the husband came to visit his wife, and all the children knew how to please their aunt, and they all scrambled for her.

Shout in front of him: "Auntie, Auntie, your father is coming to pick you up." The aunts spray rice.

Game poisoning case (1): rpg syndrome

Do you have the following symptoms?

If there are more than half of the symptoms, it means that the poisoning is serious, so you should pay more attention in the future.

If you persist in not changing, you will not rule out the possibility of sudden tinnitus, blue face, forgetfulness and other complications in a few years.

Symptoms 1: idleness.

It is manifested by pretending to be idle and walking around the map even if there is a clear task.

Symptom 2: thief addiction

Whether it is a table, a bed, a wall, etc. We should investigate. In severe cases, we will make such meaningless adjustments everywhere in our lives.

Check.

Symptom 3: gambling addiction

Gamble tirelessly in the casino in the game, save the progress if you win, and read the progress if you lose.

Symptom 4: Collection addiction

You must have something you like in your name, such as paladin armor or village demon knife. This is for the charm of the treasure.

And poisoned.

Symptom 5: Refining addiction

As long as you are your own companion, you must refine to level 99 anyway and show off. And never exercise in life.

can't bear/stand

Why is there always endless housework? The wife complained to her husband. I can't help it You won't let me marry another person.

The husband replied.

I really can't tell.

Woman A met her old friend, woman B, looked at her carefully for a long time and said, "What happened to your hair? Just like wearing a wig. "

Embarrassed B looked around and whispered to A, "To tell the truth, I did wear a wig."

"Really?" A said, "I can't see it at all."

Vending machine! !

On the bus in the morning, two middle-aged office workers were chatting.

Yesterday, a new vending machine was displayed in the supermarket near my home.

Have you seen it?

A: Hmm! ! Put ten ten-dollar coins in and a new wife will come out! !

B: Wow! ! Great! !

A: However, there is a better machine.

B: Oh! ! What kind of machine is it?

A: Just put your wife in and ten ten-dollar coins will run out of the machine! !

There is a Shanghainese, different from other Shanghainese, who is broad-minded and obese, weighing 200 Jin, so he got the nickname Arafat, that is.

Arafat.

(an absolutely true story)

In order to complete the task of unpaid blood donation, a state organ asked migrant workers to take over. In view of the national regulations and the sensitivity of blood bank doctors

Sharp eyes, specially packaged for migrant workers to prevent being seen through. The envoy is waiting for you to take a bath, change clothes, brush your teeth and repair it.

Nails, no talking, no fighting. After careful consideration, the organizer feels good about himself.

To the maximum extent. However, when it comes to blood donation, the organizers are dumbfounding. After donating blood, everyone in the office went home to talk about it.

I keep spraying rice. What is this? After taking a shower, changing clothes, brushing your teeth and manicure, you guys didn't line up to donate blood.

People talk and fight, but they all squat quietly in long chairs and are very patient.

soft

Three people were lying together. One felt itchy in the leg and slept very erratically, but he tried his best to scratch the second leg, and the itching increased instead of decreasing.

What's more, with the bleeding, the second person touches a wet place, and it is considered that the third person is drowning, which promotes the third person to drown, but next door.

It's a restaurant, and the sound of pressing wine is ticking. I thought I was going to drown, but I stood until dawn.

funny face

Once upon a time, two people lived on both sides of the river. They have bad ears, but they are polite. One morning,

People in Hexi saw people in Hedong go out with sickles and shouted at each other: Hey! I said, are you going to mow the grass? river

When Dongfang saw Xihe shouting at him, knowing that he was concerned about what he was going to do, he shouted, Oh, no, I'm going to cut it.

Grass! Seeing the people on the other side of the river shouting at him, he knew that the other side had answered himself and said politely, Oh, yes.

Really, I thought you were mowing the grass!

When a person is with guests, he occasionally farts, but he is ashamed and wants to hide. He even pointed to the chair and said, "It's the first time."

Clever son

One day, the father asked his eight-year-old son to send a letter. The son has run away with the letter, and the father remembers that there is nothing on the envelope.

Write down the address and the name of the recipient. When his son came back, his father asked him, "Did you put the letter in the mailbox?" "Of course"

"Didn't you see that there was no address and recipient's name on the envelope?" "Of course I didn't see what was written on the envelope."

"Then why don't you get it back?" "I thought you didn't write the address and the recipient because you didn't want me to know.

Who are you going to send the letter to? "

Fan's answer

Wife: You care more about the game than about me and the children.

Dave: Who said that?

Wife: Don't you admit it? Let me ask you, when was our little treasure born?

Husband: On the day of the match between Liaoning team and Bayi team!

Reveal a secret

On a whim, the father tested his son: "Baby, do you know anything that can tell the truth?"

"Dad," the son answered quickly, "the weather forecast!"

self-criticism

One day at work, Xiao Wang and Xiao Li were playing chess and killing each other, and the director found them. The factory director was very angry and demanded

They admit their mistakes and review them in front of all the workers in the factory. After Xiao Wang's profound review, Xiao Li came to power, and I really felt guilty.

I made a serious mistake that can't be ignored ... The factory director was quite satisfied. ... I shouldn't have arched my pawn

Tiananmen

An old farmer has been longing for Tiananmen Square in Beijing for a long time, but he has only seen it on posters. N years later, I finally met my fate and was disappointed:

Why don't you shine?

World secret

There is a person who often has the same dream, in which he always finds himself discovering a great world secret, but

I don't remember anything when I wake up.

Finally, one day, he made up his mind to dig out the secret of this world, so he put a pen and paper beside his pillow.

Go to sleep again.

When he dreamed again, when he seemed to wake up, he wrote down the secret of this world.

When he woke up, he saw on the paper: the banana is very big, and the banana skin is also very big!

(full name)

A Shanghainese called a young lady of a company in Beijing: May I have your name?

My last name is Tu.

Because of the accent, Shanghainese can't hear clearly. Ask, what?

Is to slaughter the body.

I still can't hear you clearly

Butcher, butcher, butcher, butcher, butcher, butcher, butcher.

Oh, I see.

What's your name, sir? Asked the young lady.

Excuse me, my name is Yan, Yan of the terrifying.

A vase

A young man fell in love with a girl, and finally the girl became his fiancee.

Today is the girl's birthday, and the young man wants to give a gift. He came to the shop and saw diamonds and jewels ... but they were too expensive.

Yes Suddenly, the young man saw a vase. This vase is so beautiful that young people want to give it to Wei.

Married wives can't adapt either.

But it's still so expensive ...

The young man looked at it for a long time, and finally the manager noticed him. The manager sympathized with his situation. He pointed to the wall.

Pile up the broken vase fragments and say, well, I'll have them sent to you, and then let this person in and pretend to fall.

Isn't that what you did?

On the girl's birthday, young people are very nervous. Sure enough, a guy sent a box and dropped it when he came in.

Get on the ground. All the guests looked at the box and opened it. That's broken vase fragments, but each piece is separate.

Open the package. line

dialect

One day I went to Foshan, Guangdong on business, and I got lost. Seeing an old lady enjoying the cool by the roadside, she went forward to ask for directions. Who knows what I'm doing?

Yes, it's been a long time, but I don't know what to say. A middle-aged man came by the roadside and said with a smile, she said she couldn't understand your dialect.