The movie "The First Dream" sounds the alarm: We owe our children a "failure education lesson"

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Note: This article was originally created by teacher Amy. Parents and friends are welcome to read, comment and forward. At the same time, the platform is welcome to reprint and reprint freely, but please indicate the source.

"Avoid"

——Gu Cheng

You are not willing to plant flowers

You said:

"I Don’t want to see it

Withering a little bit”

Yes

In order to avoid the end

You avoid the beginning

A few days ago, a parent told me that her child was particularly afraid of failure. Whenever he encountered a slightly difficult question, he would immediately frown and bite his pen. He would often cry in anger at himself, beating himself up and scolding himself. : "You useless thing!"

The same goes for playing puzzles at home. If you can't figure it out, you will burst into tears or become angry. Also, if you are not 100% sure of something, just don’t try it...

Similar situations are not uncommon. In life, many children are afraid of failure, especially in exams.

Picture source | pixabay

According to Teacher Aimi, there are many reasons why children are afraid of failure:

First, their own lack of ability.

For example, if a child learns to swim, he is fine with playing in the water at first, but if he does not master the essentials and accidentally chokes on the water, he will not want to learn anymore; If he didn't review well before, then of course he is afraid of the exam. For example, if a child is only two or three years old and cannot hold a pen very well, it is unrealistic to still want to draw lifelike kittens and puppies. For another example, when a child encounters setbacks in doing things, he doesn’t know how to deal with them, and will only cry to vent, etc... These are all fears caused by a lack of corresponding abilities.

Second, external factors stimulate.

Some children have been treated roughly by certain teachers in school, such as: slapped palms, forced to stand, and public humiliation... As a result, the children's self-esteem is frustrated, they are afraid to try, and they are even more afraid of being criticized by the teacher. Joking with classmates makes it easy to give up on oneself; there are also some children who participate in competitions with fierce competition and limited places for prizes. Failure is a situation that most children will face.

Third, parents behave in extreme ways.

Some parents have too high expectations for their children, putting too much pressure on their children. They usually pay too much attention to success and failure, and like to use "other people's children" to stimulate their children; some parents do everything for them in the name of love. , depriving children of the opportunity to try, be frustrated and recover; some parents usually give inappropriate praise to their children, causing their children to have the illusion of "only one person" and "I am the best in the world"; and some parents, when their children fail In the end, not only did they fail to use the correct method to guide the children out of their psychological difficulties, they even ridiculed, blamed, beat and scolded the children, making the children's experience even worse.

If your child is afraid of failure, you need to carefully observe and analyze to see what the reason is. This article focuses on what aspects we, as parents, can work on.

"Hoping for children to become dragons and girls to become phoenixes" is originally the wish of parents, but some parents are a little too demanding and hope that their children will be the most dazzling one all the time... This urgency The mood is directly transformed into mantras: "You have to strive to be the first in the class/grade!" "You have the ability to get full marks!" "You want to go to a key university!"...

I remembered a real case I saw a long time ago.

In January 2013, 14-year-old Qiang Qiang jumped from the 11th floor with a schoolbag on his back. The schoolbag contains the ranking list just received from school. The transcript shows that his final exam ranking dropped by 300 places.

Qiangqiang is a student in a "rocket class" in the first grade of a key middle school in a city. Although his grades have dropped a lot, he is still at an above-average level in the school.

Picture source | Hubei Economic Television New Media Weibo

Why do you feel so miserable when you encounter setbacks in exams? In Qiangqiang's diary, the reasons behind his suicide were revealed:

"After I came to a key middle school, I could no longer take the top three exams like I did in elementary school. Every time the teacher read everyone on the podium, I am so scared that if I don’t get good grades, everyone will be disappointed with me. I don’t want to see the disappointed eyes of my parents.”

Qiangqiang did this. It's a bit extreme, but there are indeed many children who are in dire straits - not only tortured by exams, but also tortured by their parents. As a parent, you must also ask yourself: Are my words, attitudes, and behaviors the cause of my children’s fear of failure?

As we all know, different people have different views on the same thing. For example: a spider was building a web, but after working hard for a long time, it still failed to complete the web. It finally achieved some small results, but a gust of wind came and caused trouble, and all the previous efforts were wasted. The spider had to start from scratch and kept insisting on building the web.

Some people think: "This spider is so inspiring!" So they are moved by the spider's spirit of repeated defeats and become more energetic; some people think: "This spider is so inspirational!" That’s stupid!” So ??when I think about it, no matter how hard I try, it won’t help, and I become even more negative.

Picture source | Aimi Amy took in Chongming Dongtan Wetland

There is a "self-fulfilling prophecy" in psychology, which basically means that when we long for something to happen, , you will tend to look for more information that meets your expectations, and you will unknowingly take some actions. In the end, which thing really happens - as you wish, you will become your own "prophet." ".

Those who are afraid of failure will search for content that can prove "they will fail" from various clues in life. They will become more anxious and passive in doing things, and the more likely they are to have bad results. Even if he does something occasionally, he will only think that it is a fluke, and will selectively forget these successful things, continue to believe that "he will fail", continue to search and verify this self-judgment, and step by step force himself to repeat The situation of a loser eventually forms a psychological stereotype of "I am a Loser".

Recently, Teacher Aimi reviewed Yu Minhong's "Believe in the Power of Struggle" and was deeply moved by the content of the speech:

"After my first year of college entrance examination, my English score was only 33 points. Although the English score for admission was not high that year. The lowest college admission score was 40 points for a regional normal college in Jiangsu. But I only scored 33 points, which was 7 points behind. Then I thought, if If I work hard for another year, I may get over 40 points, and maybe I will go to this junior college, so I will review while doing farm work. At that time, there were no electric lights in the countryside, so I would study under the kerosene lamp, and I would take the college entrance examination. In the second year of review, I became nearsighted, so when I took the college entrance examination in the second year, I got 55 points. I was very happy to get this score. Why? I thought the admission score was 40 points, and I got 55 points. Then I was able to enter that Normal College no matter what.

After the score line was lowered, the score line of the Normal College was raised to 60 points, and the result was another 5 points difference. After failing the college entrance examination twice, it made me more confident. , I felt that I had to take the college entrance examination in the third year... So I worked hard in the third year, getting up at six o'clock in the morning and going to bed at twelve o'clock in the evening. When I took the college entrance examination in the third year, my score was 1. When I came out, I found that my grades exceeded the admission score of Peking University, so I was lucky enough to become an alumnus of a famous person like Sa Beining. In fact, the words Peking University never even crossed my mind, so this is why. The example gives another inspiration to the students.

What inspiration? People have to have dreams, but no matter how big your dream is, it won’t work if you don’t work hard, just like when you climb a mountain, even if you don’t work hard, it won’t work. Don't look at the top of the mountain. As long as you know that you are climbing up, as long as you climb the right way, it is only a matter of time before you reach the top of the mountain.

Therefore, when I look back on my own life, I feel that it is often the failures that I brought about in my life that finally prompted me to bounce back and achieve a new goal. "

It is this spirit of "once determined, fight to the end" that makes failure a stepping stone for him, and he grows and transforms into a successful entrepreneur step by step.

Mentioned The benefits of failure, I think of what Li Ka-shing once said: "The most wasteful thing in the world is to tell young people about experience. It is better to tell you 10,000 words than to fall down yourself. Tears teach you how to be a person. Regrets help you grow. Pain." is the best teacher. The detours that life should take are actually not less than one meter away. ”

Only after real wrestling can we have profound reflection and enlightenment, and can we have a new direction and future.

Teacher Aimi listened to "Harry Potter" at TED "Special" author J.K. Rowling gave a speech at Harvard University's graduation ceremony in 2008. She repeatedly mentioned the benefits of failure to her in her speech, which was a profound insight:

"Why I want to talk about the benefits of failure. Woolen cloth? Because failure means stripping away what is unnecessary. As a result, I stopped pretending and distancing myself from myself, and started to focus all my energy on the things that matter most to me. ”

“Gaining wisdom and becoming stronger from setbacks means you are better equipped to survive than ever before. ”

Picture source | TED speech, organized by Amy

“The world is awake” J.K. Rowling also believes that true happiness lies in understanding that life is not a card for achievement. Checklist. Those are not your qualifications. Life is difficult, complicated, and not entirely within your control. Knowing this will get you through its ups and downs.

1. Give your children plenty of love and support.

The love and support from parents is the most precious wealth in a child’s life. Mother Teresa said: “We think that poverty means hunger, lack of clothing, and poverty. There is no house, but the greatest poverty is not being wanted, not loved and not trusted. "

When a child encounters failure, as a parent, you must tell him in time:

"No matter what, we love you very much. ”

“No matter what your grades are, you are your parents’ treasure. "

"Don't worry, I'll be with you. ”

On this point, Principal Li Zhenxi’s approach is remarkable. His daughter’s math scores were poor in middle school. Principal Li was also very worried about this, but he did not show it. Instead, I quietly found my daughter’s math teacher, hoping that he would encourage and take care of her. Finally, one day, my daughter’s math score reached the fourth place in the class. At this time, many parents may say: “That’s great! Keep working hard and get better results next time! "But Principal Li said to his daughter: "Congratulations! But dad allows you to fail the exam next time. ”

In comparison, Tian Yulan’s behavior in "Little Shede" is very inappropriate.

In addition to going to work, she spends all her spare time on chicken babies and treats her son Ziyou. The pressure was too tight, and the children were allowed to immerse themselves in studies and not allow them to have small hobbies. She always stared at the cup honors on the shelf, and often told her son - "You must work harder in the future. If you study well, this is the greatest reward for your mother." This caused great mental pressure on Ziyou.

Picture source | "Little Shede"

With the intense study pace and extraordinary efforts, Ziyou became a classmate. Yan Ziyou was a top student in the school, but she was often depressed and had serious mental problems. Once, during the "Speak Out" class meeting organized by the class, Yan Ziyou mustered up the courage to go on stage and confide:

"I feel like that." My mother doesn't love me. What my mother loves is me who gets perfect marks in the exam. ”

Picture source | "Little Will"

If the child has faced failure, parents must first deal with the child's negative emotions.

This is also a basic rule of family education: "deal with emotions first, then deal with problems." Understand children's inner emotional waves and teach them tips on how to deal with emotions reasonably. For example: attention transfer method, self-motivation method, etc. When the child's mood is stable, he should also be inspired to think about ways to solve the problem.

2. Guide children to form a correct "view of failure."

In the book "Teaching Optimistic Children", Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology, wrote: "A pessimistic explanation of failure will make children afraid to try, and in the face of When they fail, they will be helpless and passive; the optimistic explanation is to regard failure as a challenge and use actions to reflect and create hope. ”

Why do outstanding children choose to commit suicide? Paul Stotts, a famous American education guru, proposed that the main culprits of such children's suicide are poor stress resistance and lack of failure education.

There is a movie called "The First Dream", which directly hits the reality of India's college entrance examination and sounds the alarm for us: we should give our children a "failure education lesson".

Ragheim in the film is a high school student with excellent grades. He lives in a typical academic family. Both parents graduated from the Indian Institute of Technology (the best university in India, which is also Lagheim's dream). But it is not easy to get admission to a top university, so he can only do his best.

From the perspective of his father, Anri, success is in sight, and everyone else has full confidence in Ragheim. After all, the child is smart and hard-working. So I prepared for the celebration ceremony early and bought a bottle of wine, planning to have a drink with my son on the day the results were released. However, Lagheim unexpectedly failed - for Indian Institute of Technology, with an acceptance rate of less than 3%, competition is quite fierce, and failure is considered normal.

But what makes Lagheim difficult to accept is that some classmates who usually have worse grades than him and who don't work as hard as him succeeded, but he failed. He was completely desperate, and on impulse, he jumped from the balcony in front of his parents...

Picture source | The film "The First Dream"

In the film Gerheim's father, by default, was determined to succeed and always planned "how to celebrate after success", but "never provided him with the weapons to overcome frustration." This lack of education almost cost the child his life.

Picture source | Movie "The First Dream"

How to face failure, how to treat failure, how to reverse failure... Without the guidance of teachers, children will not know what to do.

In the book "Lifelong Growth", the famous psychology doctor Carol Dweck focused on the "growth mindset" and believed that intelligence can be acquired through hard work. And change encourages children to actively evaluate and develop their potential.

In the process of pursuing goals, it is especially important to cultivate a growth mindset. Take failure as an example. People with a fixed mindset will think that "failure is a lifelong shame", while people with a growth mindset will think that "failure is an opportunity for growth."

Therefore, on the one hand, parents must allow and accept their children's failures, look at failures and children separately, and do not attack their children's self-esteem because of their children's failures; on the other hand, they must also guide their children to have the ability to grow. Thinking, face failure with a positive and optimistic attitude, and regard failure as a valuable learning opportunity.

3. Encourage children to analyze the subjective and objective reasons for failure.

"The edge of a sword comes from sharpening, and the fragrance of plum blossoms comes from the bitter cold." There is no overnight success. Before reaching the top, those celebrities who are talked about and envied by us have also experienced constant failures. The taste.

As Michael Jordan said: "I've missed over nine thousand shots in my career. I've lost nearly three hundred games. Twenty-six times I've been expected to take the game-winning shot. But I didn't make it. The failure over and over again in my life was the reason for my success.

"

Tell your children not to take success or failure too seriously. The important thing is to set the goal and go all out to fight; after failure, attribute it correctly and then regroup.

For example, allowing children to participate in competitions and exams can cultivate their sense of competition, aesthetic ability, and self-awareness. However, if a child suffers a setback in a piano competition, he or she must be guided to analyze the reason: Is it because of insufficient preparation? Is it carelessness? Is there a glitch in the performance facility? In short, we must comprehensively analyze the reasons for the failure and then make targeted efforts.

4. Recognize the child’s efforts and progress. Enhance self-confidence.

Rockefeller said in a letter to his son: "If you are afraid of failure, you will not dare to take risks, and if you do not dare to take risks, you will miss the opportunities in front of you. "In order for children not to be afraid of failure, parents must give more recognition to their children's efforts and progress. Even in the face of failure, as long as you think about it, you can always find several shining points of your children in the whole thing. You are accurate Capturing these precious shining points and telling your child will help restore his self-confidence and enhance his courage to face failure.

If you are a caring person, you can also talk to your child. Make a "daily record book" together. You can teach your children to write in the record book:

Today is (year/month/day)

How are you feeling today? p>

What did I accomplish today?

What good things happened today?

What are the things I am worthy of recognition for today? What is the biggest challenge you encountered today (note: it’s best to write only one)

How do I plan to meet this challenge?

?…

The above can be adjusted according to the situation of your child.

When your child encounters failure and is depressed, you can discuss with him: "I can learn from this failure. "What did you learn in middle school?" You can also remind your children: "Open your "Daily Record Book" and take a look. You will definitely be inspired. "The child will see his daily progress from the "Daily Record Book", will be more confident, will feel more in control of his life and learning, and will become more motivated.

< p> 5. Improve self-esteem and enhance "resilience"

Harvard University psychologist Taylor Ben-Shahar divides people's self-esteem growth into three stages:

The first stage: Dependent self-esteem, which mainly relies on the recognition, praise and comparison of others, is also called conditional self-esteem.

The second stage: Independent self-esteem does not rely on the opinions of others and is based on the self. Self-esteem generated by comparison.

The third stage: unconditional self-esteem.

It can be seen that those children who are afraid of failure can maintain self-esteem without any internal or external conditions. The level of self-esteem development is still at the first stage, and it is still very dependent on the evaluation of others. What are children afraid of? In many cases, they are afraid of comparing with others, afraid of being surpassed by others, and even more afraid of parents asking "Why can't you be like xxx?" "(Because the subtext of this sentence is "You can't be better than xxx, you are not as smart as xxx...")

Although in Taylor's view, the third stage of "unconditional self-esteem" is a This is a high-level realm of life, but the realization rate is very low. But as parents, we might as well ask more heuristic questions to our children: "What do you think? "How did you do it?" "Such a question will make the child feel that he is a capable person, and will also stimulate the child's internal drive.

In addition, it can also enhance the child's "resilience", that is, improve the child's ability to cope with the challenges faced. The ability to survive in the face of difficulties, setbacks and threats. You want your children to establish the belief that life is a dynamic development process. Don’t be afraid of action, because only by constantly acting, practicing, questioning, reflecting, Only by taking action again will you know how powerful you are!

Let’s leave aside the topic of children’s fear of failure for now.

Finally, Aimi would like to say that in this era when chicken babies are common and involution is serious, it is really not easy for parents, especially parents who are super concerned about their children. Thank you for your hard work!

Raising a baby is a long and trivial process, and it is inevitable that there will be entanglements, sadness, and disappointment... But please give your children more patience and teach them more methods to make them more confident. Only then can we not be afraid of failure and move forward bravely!

Note: Some information comes from the Internet and has been deleted.

That’s it for today’s sharing, see you next time!

If parents study hard, their children will make progress every day!

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