Damn it, I want to become a monk, but I don't want to die.

You should say the damn ball (balls) are up. It means that the same person will die, and the bird will not die for ten thousand years. It means "what is yours is yours, and what is not yours is not yours". Generally, when a decision needs to be made at a critical moment, especially when men like to say this sentence to comfort themselves or encourage themselves.