Daily funny jokes, classic jokes

When we feel idle every day, we can watch some jokes to increase the fun of life. The following is what I arranged for you. I hope you will like it.

draw

1. I used to think that if I didn't know you, I wouldn't be so miserable, but now I know that if I don't have this, I will lose everything because I love you.

2. In a bar, a man was blowing in the sea: When I get rich, buy a plane and go for a ride in the sky! A drunk ran over and chimed in: What are you doing? I'm driving the earth around the universe now, and you who didn't buy tickets are going to die!

The landlord is looking at the house with the new tenant. Tenant: "It seems that this house often leaks water." Landlord: "No, no, it only leaks when it rains."

4. Spend 200 yuan to buy a pig, squeak to drink water, eat beans, throw it over the wall, squeak, and guess what-dead!

5. Don't stop, the dream keeps chasing; Don't give up, there will be a sunrise after the night; The road is bitter, and sweat is a beautiful blessing; Remember, success is the next step; Take a big step, yes, and then fall into the cesspit.

6. If eating more fish can nourish the brain and make people smart, then I should at least eat a pair of whales. ...

7. A college student was arrested. The enemy tied him to a telephone pole and asked him: Where are you from? Don't electrocute you! The college student replied to the enemy's words and was electrocuted. He said: I am the father of TV University, and someone stole our car. Do you recognize this man's face? I didn't pay attention, but I remembered the car number!

8. I will have a son named "beautiful" in the future, and others will say "beautiful mother!" I gave birth to a son named Shuai, and others said: handsome dad!

9. Today, when you woke up, there was a mosquito lying beside your pillow, and there was a will next to it: I struggled all night, and your impudence made me ashamed to live in this world. Lord! Forgive him. I killed myself.

10. I want to marry the seven fairies most, buy RMB most, climb the ladder most, and hit God most! God was born today. Beat him while he is young, or wait for him to grow up.

1 1. I went to the company to go to the toilet early this morning, and the latch of the toilet door was broken, so I pulled the toilet door. At this time, a very anxious buddy came over and pulled my door directly. Yes, I'm trying. He pulled me out directly. * * *, I got into a fight with him without wiping it.

12. In senior three, the chemistry teacher taught us organic chemistry. The teacher first drew a "peptide bond" on the blackboard, and then said to us, "This is the eunuch. Let's add methyl to it! Students, where did you say you would settle down? " At this time, the audience has been laughing crazy.

13. Jordan: Build the motherland and serve the country faithfully. Nepal: The motherland is more precious than the sky. Myanmar: A harmonious and orderly life contains happiness. France: freedom, equality and fraternity. Holland: We must insist on wishing Belgium: Unity is strength. Andorra: If people don't attack me, I won't attack. Switzerland: Everything is for everyone, everyone is one person. China China People's Bank.

14. The purpose of studying classics is by no means to learn from the classics. In fact, the true identity of the four people headed by Tang Priest is the rectification dispatch group. Last time, the Bodhisattva Immortal obviously indulged his subordinates in evil, but because of each other's face, they couldn't do it. This is why we found four people with no foundation in the two sessions of Buddha and God, and used the meat of Tang monks as bait to clean up all kinds of monsters in the name of learning from the scriptures, which is also very easy to explain. Those with backgrounds were taken away by God, and those without backgrounds were killed. ...

15. Someone found a job in a dairy farm. On the first day of work, the boss gave him a bucket and a stool to go to the milk shed to milk. He was so happy. After work, the boss saw that he was splashed with milk and his stool leg was broken, so he asked him, "What happened? Is it difficult? " He replied with a sad face, "It is not difficult to milk, but it is difficult to let the cow sit on the stool."

16. Being a cat in the next life: always favored, graceful, and importantly, having nine lives.

17. I missed the bus at work and ran after it. A man riding an electric car shouted, "Come on!" I suddenly felt a warm current in my heart. I just wanted to feel the beauty of the world, and then the man shouted, "Come on, master, don't let this force catch up!" "

18. The same beauty: others have backgrounds, and we only have backs; Others are traveling and we are sleepwalking; Others drink Lafite, we make coffee; Others have money, we pick up love rat; Others drive Mercedes, and we drive VIOS. ...

19. Wukong: The most painful thing in life is that a gust of wind blows, pigs are here, horses are here, and people are gone! The most painful thing is that another idiot will shout at the top of his voice: big brother! The master was taken away by the devil! To prove your existence, and then stay in a daze.

20. People nowadays are really nosy! My girlfriend and I quarreled on the phone. What does it have to do with him? He doesn't know my girlfriend. To make matters worse, he called security! What a nuisance! I will never come to this cinema again.

appreciate

1. A little buddy who has been practicing Sanda for three years thinks I am tall and burly, so he has to practice with me. In less than two minutes, I knocked him down and beat him up. He stood up and said sadly, I practiced Sanda for three years, but you beat me to the ground. It's really a waste of practice. I've been practicing broadcast gymnastics for nine years, and I'll tell you! Hum, people with real kung fu are so low-key

When my wife went to the toilet in the morning, she suddenly shouted and I rushed over. She said that she dropped her mobile phone in the toilet and could buy her an apple tomorrow. No, I said that Nima underestimated my IQ and dropped my mobile phone in the toilet. Then why does Nima still have the SIM card in her hand!

Just now, a car in front of me suddenly braked and stopped in the middle of the road, with various horns behind it. At this time, a hand stretched out from the window and waved a torn steering wheel. Everyone is quiet.

4. Roommate A: "Does my new dress look good?" Roommate B: "Wow, such a beautiful dress, aren't you going to match it all over your face?" Roommate A: "..."

We just finished the monthly exam yesterday, and a classmate next to us handed in a blank sheet of paper. I asked him, do you want to live? There will be a parent-teacher conference after the exam. He said that today is the end of the world anyway, so he quit. Today I want to tell him that Monday is the end of the world.

6. I went home once in winter. My little niece is at home. She has just entered the first grade, and my brother and sister-in-law are discussing wearing school uniforms. Sister-in-law said helplessly: the school stipulates that school uniforms must be worn every day. If the child is cold, you should add clothes. Down jacket can't be worn outside. Just put the school uniform on the outside, and as a result, the little one loves beauty, saying that the school uniform looks too fat outside. Brother replied, don't you wear school uniforms and mourning clothes every day? Is your headmaster dead? After listening, I suddenly petrified!

7. A girl wrote a sensational signature: four years in college, single, waiting for you to appear. I feel a little tired recently. From today on, I don't expect your appearance any more. If you show up, I will be very happy. If you still play hide-and-seek with me, then from now on, I will let myself live a full life and won't miss you any more. A boy replied: don't look for me, I will never go down the mountain in my life. The girl replied: so you have been wearing a wig and didn't see it ~

8. Xiaohong put on makeup and asked Xiao Ming if it looked good. Xiaoming: "OK ... Look at Xiaohong:" You lied "Xiaoming:" I swear, if I lie outside the school, I will be killed by Lei P and killed by a car. " Xiaohong: "I believe you" After school, Xiaoming took out his phone and said, "Mom, I won't go home today. You come to school with clothes, quilts, pillows and food. Don't worry. " Xiaohong was so angry that she pinched her schoolbag with her hand.

Before getting married, the man said to the woman, marry me and I will give you a diamond necklace. Woman: Oh, dear, you are so kind to me! After the marriage, the man really gave the woman a necklace. W: There is no drill here either. Man: Necklaces, diamonds and so on. ...

10. There is a grandfather named Ai Guo. He is a patriotic man. The evidence is as follows: Son's name: Red Army, Anti-Japanese War, Party Building and Founding. Daughter's name: to resist US aggression and aid Korea. Grandson's name: Hongkong, Australia, Taiwan Province, Australia, Ausun, Expo, Shishun. Granddaughter's name: Beibei, Jingjing, Huanhuan, Yingying and Nini.

1 1. My son is doing his homework. He asked me, "Dad, besides The Analects, which three books are there?" I told her: "Mencius, the doctrine of the mean, university." "Oh." He asked again, "What are the two sentences of Mencius?" I replied, "Assyrian Mencius' Mencius." He asked how to write The Doctrine of the Mean, and I told her. Finally, he asked me, "which university is it?" I casually told him, "That's the university you want to go to." He nodded and wrote. When he finished his homework, I found that her four books were The Analects of Confucius, Mencius, The Doctrine of the Mean and Tsinghua.

12. He was walking home with his wife on his back. Suddenly, he gently said to his wife, "Every time I carry you behind my back, I feel that I am burdened with responsibility." She buried her head on his back shyly, and he stopped to catch his breath: "Responsibility is more important than Mount Tai!" " "

13. A miser carefully tore off the wallpaper in the room and was so tired that he was sweating. "Do you want a new one?" The neighbor asked. "No, no, I want to move ..."

14. A pair of mosquitoes came to the toilet with a little mosquito. Mosquito's parents rushed to a piece of shit, and the little mosquito asked weakly in the back: Mom, why do we eat Baba? Mother mosquito slapped the little mosquito angrily and said, don't say such disgusting things when eating.

15. My sister in the dormitory asked her sisters in the mirror, "Have I become very old?" The younger sister said, "I'm not old, but I'm too anxious to grow up ..."

16. Listening to a group of men in the company talking about private money, everyone is feeling, anyway, my wife will find out; Angkor across from me said flatly, "I keep everything in the bank." They asked, "What about the passbook or card?" Angkor smiled innocently: "Burn it. When you want to use it, take your ID card to make it up. "

17. Our foreign colleagues suddenly asked me: What's your favorite foreign language mantra in China? I feel that you often say "what's wrong" when you meet, and sometimes you talk to yourself in front of the computer. Is it influenced by American culture? I thought about it for a long time, and then it suddenly dawned on me and said to her, damn it!

18. I had a very domineering dream last night. When I was sleeping, I dreamed of being chased by a group of big men with five big and three thick. After catching up, I hit the sack on my head, and then I woke up immediately. Oh, I went, broke out in a cold sweat, and then fell asleep. * * * Yes, after sleeping for a while, I saw the big man holding a sack and said, "Do you dare to come back?" I dare not sleep all night. ...

19. Q: It's also a woman. Why is it so easy for girlfriends and so difficult for mothers-in-law? A: Because my mother-in-law was cheated once. ...

20. One day, in the dormitory. Head nurse: "My perfume is gone! Help find it! " Everyone: "Do you still use perfume? What brand? " Master: "Six Gods, I only use that." Everyone: "awesome, I have never heard of it. What is it like?" The head nurse said, "Which one of you took the Liushen toilet water?" Everyone: ".........."

Careful selection

1. I am a medical student. One day, the teacher said in class that in the future, if a patient cuts you with a knife in the hospital, you should hide behind the hospital equipment, wherever that equipment is expensive. Because the equipment is broken, the hospital will come forward, and you are cut, and no one cares. ...

2. I saw a joke today and laughed at me. . If you have a button on you, if you press it, it will erase your memory and forget those painful or annoying things. Will you press it? The man of god replied: this is not a question of yes or no. It must be: Hey, here's a button, press it ... Hey, here's a button, press it ... Well, I admit, the joke has been getting lower and lower recently. ...

3. When one foodie says "Let's eat together" to another foodie, a natural tacit understanding will bloom above their heads like fireworks, and two pairs of eyes full of saliva will shine. Just waiting for another foodie to say "Sounds delicious" excitedly, the tacit understanding reached * * *, and then they went out hand in hand, and the scene was as touching as a wedding.

4. "Master, why do you always say Amitabha?" "benefactor, I think it's too vulgar for a monk to express his emotions with hehe. Amitabha. "

A cricket and a pig bet that I jumped into the grass and you couldn't see me. The pig said, I want to see you. So the cricket jumped into the grass. The pig is watching, the pig is watching! The pig is still watching! Why is the pig still watching?

6. The young couple were very happy when they were students and children in college, but they disagreed when they were named. My classmate traditionally takes his surname and his daughter-in-law takes her surname. After quarreling for two days, I finally decided to adopt a double surname. So they named their daughter "Wang". Went to the hukou ...

It is said that Tang Zhongzong Li Xian is the most awesome emperor in history. Why is this? Because he is an emperor, his father is an emperor, his younger brother is an emperor, his son is an emperor, his nephew is an emperor, and more importantly, his mother is an emperor, so history has given him a glorious name: Liuhuangwan.

8. Tang Sanzang: Bajie, run two steps for the teacher. Pig Bajie: Master, why do you suddenly want to watch your apprentice run? Tang Sanzang: Hey! Shame! I have been a teacher in a temple since I was a child. I have never eaten pork or seen a pig run.

9. The Buddhist Pavilion in Shaolin Temple caught fire. As a result, many scriptures were burned, and the abbot couldn't help crying ... The young monk didn't know why the abbot was crying, so he asked, "Why is the abbot suffering?" The abbot continued to cry and said, "I have dysmenorrhea ..."

10. I was in a daze at home that day. Suddenly a bird flew in and ran into the window. I thought: God is playing Angry Birds, but this is wrong ... God thinks I am a pig.

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