Somebody tell me a joke that makes me laugh, send a compliment! ! ! ! ! !

1, high school math teacher Ju Niu B, brought a deck of cards into the classroom for the first time in class and sent one to everyone, asking them to remember their cards. From then on, he took the deck of cards in class every day, shuffled the cards on the podium and attended classes! From time to time, I gently threw two cards and said, "Box 4, clubs, J, come up to do the problem ..."

2. On the way to learn the scriptures, Tang Yan said, Wukong, I'll give you a test. There are four of us. If one of us dies, how many people are left? Wukong replied: zero. Tang Priest was furious: 4- 1 = 0? Tell the teacher how you worked it out! When Wukong heard that the Tang Priest was killed by a stick, he looked at Pig and Friar Sand and said, Who is there now?

3. Go to buy watermelons with your daughter-in-law. Selling watermelons is not cheap. Me: It's still the watermelon. Why do you sell one and a half when everyone else sells one? He: He is also a daughter-in-law. How come everyone's 100 Jin is yours 150? Me: Let me calm down for a while. ...

The secret question of her space visit is "What's my male god's name?" I typed out the names of the male stars and the most handsome boys in the school that she always mentioned, and they all showed mistakes. Suddenly, my heart was blessed, my hands trembled, I entered my name, and then I pressed enter ... Sure enough, it wasn't. ...

5. In summer, my dog got skin disease, and my wife washed it with Fuyanjie, and the effect was very good. One day, my wife went to buy Fuyanjie for the dog. The clerk came and said it would be faster to use some topical ointment after washing. My wife thought about it, and seriously said, you can't lick it with ointment! The clerk's eyes were about to drop, and the wife realized that she had been misunderstood and explained, I mean, my dog can lick! ! Honey, did you really explain it clearly?

6. I dropped two coins in my hand just now on the bus. I'm going to pick them up. My uncle sitting next to me picked them up. I thought he would give them back to me, but he put them directly in my pocket! I think my uncle may not have the money to take the bus, so forget it ... When the conductor came over and I took out two coins for the conductor, my uncle took out four coins from his pocket and said, I'll pay the girl's fare together! Uncle, what do you want? ...

7. Q: Why do you buy inflatable dolls depending on the date of production? A: Is it appropriate to find a girlfriend without looking at the horoscope?

8. There is a couple. The husband woke up first in the morning and said to his wife, "If I don't leave, it will be too late. By the way, this is your 800 yuan. " The wife accepted it without hesitation. At this time, they seem to understand something. ...

9. Wife: Do you know why men are called penises below? Husband: I don't know! Wife: As a man, you don't even know this! Husband: Do you know why? Wife: Because a man has three eggs, and then he hatched one! Husband: ...

10, a gentleman caught a cold and went to the hospital for intravenous drip. The nurse quickly inserted the needle into Mr. Wang's body and hung physiological saline. 1 more hours passed, and the water in the salt bottle was finished. When the nurse came, she immediately changed a bottle. The gentleman was puzzled and asked the nurse, "Miss, isn't there only one bottle on the prescription list?" The nurse pointed to the empty bottle cap behind the salt water and said, Sir, you are so lucky. This bottle won the lottery-another bottle ~!

1 1. An old man has never used an ATM before. When he used the ATM for the first time, a voice prompt came from the ATM: "Please enter the password!" The old man looked around and saw no one, so he bent down, folded his hands and whispered to the ATM, "Six zeros!" "

12, a young woman coaxed her child to sleep with your grandfather at night, but the child refused to leave. The young woman said, I can go without you.

Grandpa said in a positive tone: educate children to be honest. You can't fool children and old people at the same time.

13. The landlord is looking at the house with the new tenant.

Tenant: "It seems that this house often leaks water."

Landlord: "No, no, it only leaks when it rains."

George is drinking beer alone in the bar. He suddenly felt that he was going to the bathroom. He was afraid that someone would steal his beer after he left, so he wrote a note on the table: "I spit in the cup." When he came back, he found another sentence added to the paper: "I threw up, too."

15. Touch screens are popular in mobile phones and computers now. A friend expressed special emotion: "With the rapid development of science and technology, it is hard to say which day TV will touch the screen." Another friend said, "You are so stupid! If you have a remote control, do you want to poke it with your finger? "

16, a young girl married an old rich man. At the wedding, someone pointed to the back of the bride and said, "It's really wronged the girl. Look at that old groom, he is almost catching up with her grandfather. "

The old rich man retorted, "I am more wronged than her." Her grandfather is only two years older than me, and I have to call him grandpa! " "

17, Grandpa posted a photo of a naked woman on the Internet. Hullova's seven brothers all left comments. Dawa: Awesome! Erwa: I am blind! Sanwa: Hard! Shiva: It will be hot! Wuwa: It's wet! Liuwa: Shit, it's a shame to hide! Qiwa: Good picture, good picture, accept it decisively!

18, a man and his wife are often ambiguous, but they don't see it. A colleague sent a pair of couplets. Part I: As long as life goes by, part II: Even if the head is a little green, part II: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

19 Once I suddenly remembered to go swimming, I bought a pair of cheap swimming trunks in the supermarket, because there were no other colors, only red. As a result, I didn't expect the swimming trunks to fade. When I was soaking in the pool, a wisp of red came out from my lower body and rippled in the water ... An uncle swam past me, looked at the red "blood" under me and looked at my bare upper body. For an instant, his expression was contradictory …

20, eat and drive! So at the foot of my bed, I want to drink noodle soup. People are thinner than yellow flowers, and they still remember pot-wrapped meat. Xiao-he just showed his sharp corner when he saw the bean braised ribs. Frosty night, pine nuts and corn. Jiang Nanan spring breeze is green, when will the bright moon bake cold noodles? When you ask about the date of return, stew the stupid chicken with hazelnuts. I advised god to cheer up, pancake fruit with chicken fillet. How we wish to fly in heaven, where two birds are one and sit on the street for a barbecue!

2 1, a went whoring and met Shi. Stone said: it is predestined friends to meet thousands of miles away, and 200 yuan is not expensive! A: Qian Shan always loves thousands of waters. How about fifty dollars? Shi said: If you want to pass Yumen Pass, the minimum is 130! There are many fish in the sea. Can we do it for eighty dollars? A added: The world has its own true feelings. Today I only brought 90 yuan! Stone growled: I bet my youth on tomorrow, one hundred less is rape!

22. Come back drunk in the middle of the night and kick under the bed with all your strength while your wife is asleep. Then he swore angrily: "Fuck you! Laozi is a man with a wife and children! " Then fall back and continue to pretend to sleep. The next morning, my wife endured the pain and not only didn't blame her for drinking too much last night, but also brought steaming milk, half of which was moved tears. PS: Who came up with such a damaging trick?

23. My wife went shopping and saw a lovely child. Then I looked at my husband and sighed. Say to your husband: if you give birth to a baby that looks like you in the future, it's over! The husband paused and glared at his wife: "If you don't look like me, you are finished!"! ! ! "

24. At 1 1 in the evening, I started chatting with qq, a girl I secretly loved, and told stories about my childhood. When I became more and more speculative, I made my confession in 12 Shuai Shuai. Success. Chatting until 2 o'clock ... by 4 o'clock, I was still too excited to sleep. The cell phone rang. "I'm sorry, I am his brother. After chatting all night, I found that you are a good person. " ……

25. One day, I quarreled with the idiot in front. He called me a mad dog and I suddenly had a plan. I strike the table and say who is mad dog scolding? This idiot is also striking the table. Let's mad dog scold you! Mad dog, mad dog is ... scolding ... you. ...

26. One day, a young man went to a small restaurant for dinner and saw a beautiful girl sitting there, which made him very excited. The young man summoned up his courage and accosted the girl: "Hello, what's your name?" The girl said without looking up, "Beef noodles, hurry up!"

27. I was forced to go on a blind date. Another person is a burden to learn English. As soon as he arrived, he said that he was CET-8, Japanese-1 and German-2. Ask me what level? I told him QQ30, yellow diamond 7, red diamond 4, colored diamond 4 and green diamond 3. Blind date is also a pleasure in life. ...

28. I have the phone number of the goddess, and I can know whether she is awake or not every day. Calling her, no one answered, but she hasn't woken up yet; Call her, hang up, just wake up and don't envy me too much. ...

29. I work in a bank, and I was actually cried by my colleagues at work today.

Just as a customer was withdrawing money, I choked and said, "What business?"

The customer replied, "Take 50,000." I'm still angry and my tears can't stop flowing.

The customer quickly said, "no, no, I don't want it." Money is saved! " "

30. When I first used QQ, I didn't quite understand it. In a chat, a netizen asked me: How to upgrade QQ software? I don't know how to pretend to understand. Answer: Please uninstall this old one first, and then I'll tell you how to do it! So, half a minute later, the netizen's head turned gray. Since then, this person has disappeared. ...

3 1, once, I contacted a classmate because of something, but his number was not stored in my mobile phone. I sent a short message to another classmate who was very familiar, "Do you have XXX's phone number?" Then I waited patiently for a reply. After 5 minutes, I finally received a reply. I couldn't wait to open the short message and wrote a "yes". In desperation, I can only send a short message to this big brother again, "So, please tell me?" I waited another five minutes and received a reply. I can't wait to open it again, and the other two words are impressively written: "Good."

32. A friend is short, runs in the family, and neither father nor grandfather is tall.

When he was in junior high school, his father encouraged him to say, son, talk about a person first, before others grow up.

I met a friend later this morning.

So the teacher asked you what the reason was this time? Traffic jam again? This guy shook his head and said no.

It was foggy when I went out in the morning. I didn't find it when I passed by the school. I passed by. ...

34. Go to your girlfriend's house for dinner. Show everyone a magic trick at the dinner table. Shouting: "It's time to witness the miracle!" "

My father-in-law's chair fell down and the whole family came to kill people. Old man, let me explain. I really didn't make a chair. ...

35. Kong Ming: Master, I think you should pay close attention to Xiao Qiao. Liu Bei: To win the world, why should we attach importance to a woman? Kong Ming: Because as far as I know, among the people you care about, Cao Cao, Sun Quan, Zhou Yu and others also care about her.

36. Change my girlfriend's phone number to mine when my classmate takes a shower. Send him a text message in bed at night "Husband, I'm pregnant". I saw that guy suddenly turn over and get out of bed. Badabada smoked a box of cigarettes and asked the dormitory people to borrow money …

37. My son came home trembling: "Dad, I only got 60 points in the exam today". Dad is very angry: "Don't call me dad next time you fail the exam!" " "The next day, my son came back:" I'm sorry, brother! " "

38. When I was in the third year of high school, I went downstairs one day after studying by myself, thinking that the person who walked in front was my roommate. I sneaked up to him and kicked his ass, shouting: You actually came to study for yourself? ! The man rubbed his ass and looked back at me piteously, trembling and saying, hmm. After staring at each other for a few seconds, I hesitated how to apologize. The man replied, big brother, I'm a freshman, and I won't dare to do it again …

39. My girlfriend said that I agreed without much pursuit. This is too much for her. Let me break up and I'll catch up. I agreed. Then, it's gone. Deceiving each other is not fun.

40. Go shopping in the school supermarket today. Don't you have to brush the bar code when you check out ~ There will be a beep ~ I can't brush any marinated eggs I bought … I didn't know what was going on in my head at that time … so a long sentence came out: "beep! ~ ~ ~ "Full-court petrochemical ~ ~ ~

4 1. Just now, I heard two primary school students yelling at each other in the street. One said, there is a hole in your head. There is water in the hole. There are fish in the water. Zombies eat fish. When zombies grow up, they will eat your brain ... Sao nian, that's enough. ...

42, a Sichuanese fell into the water, ups and downs, calling for help, is in danger. Someone couldn't take off his clothes and tried to dive for help. The other man grabbed him and said calmly, "No need, watch me!" " "

The man turned to the drowning man and shouted, "One of three is missing! Three are short of one! "

At this time, a miracle was born. The Sichuanese in the water were shocked, then swam to the shore and climbed ashore for a while. They should say, "coming! Coming! "

43. Bao Zheng was very naughty when he was a child. He always likes to take off the crescent moon on his forehead to play. A bearded old man passed by and happened to see him playing with something in his hand. The old man approached Bao Zheng and said earnestly, If you are well, it will be heaven.

44. The true and false Wukong ran into the Tathagata, and the Tathagata sink a track: "How do you prove that you are the true Wukong?" I saw one of the monkeys shrink to the size of the index finger, jump into the Tathagata's palm and shit in the Tathagata's palm. Tathagata was not angry, but his face lit up and he murmured, "It's still the original formula, or the familiar taste." .....

45. Remember the story that the Monkey King went to borrow a banana fan from Princess Iron Fan in Journey to the West? The Monkey King got into the iron fan princess's belly. Wukong said, "Sister-in-law, I'm already in you." Princess Iron Fan: "Come out! Uncle, I can't stand it! " Wukong: "Sister-in-law, I'm coming out soon. Open your mouth quickly. " Princess Iron Fan: "Ah!" The cow listened and left a divorce letter outside the door. . Away from home. . .

46. Let me tell you a story: Once upon a time, there was a man. One day, he died suddenly, and there was no choice but to die.

47. The school suddenly fell in love. The dean called us to the auditorium and told us the reason for the governance: "The other day, I patrolled at night and caught a couple in the garden. Do you know what you are doing? " Some of the students below said they were flirting, while others said they were kissing. The dean said, "No, I'll tell you! In the middle of the night, your senior is holding two apples, a pair of red candles and a stick of incense in a small pavilion, worshipping heaven and earth! Scared me to death! "

48. Son: "Dad, there is a poor old uncle outside. He has been shouting outside, so dad, can you give me two dollars? I want to give it to him. " Dad: "Good boy, you will pity the old man when you are young. Commendable. This is two dollars. " Dad: "Oh, by the way, what's the name of that old uncle?" Son: "Ice cream, ice cream, one in 2 yuan!" Come on! "

49. I went to a remote town on business a few days ago. Due to the frequent use of mobile phones, the arrears were soon notified by 10086. There happened to be a mobile phone recharge card vendor by the roadside. In case of a savior, I quickly bought a prepaid card from 50 yuan, which is the kind of card that can get the password by scraping off the coating. When I saw it, I was dumbfounded and saw that it said: Thank you for your patronage! Damn, I bought a prepaid card, not a scratch card! Damn it! Pit dad! ! !

I remember I lived on the fourth floor when I was in college. Someone spilled dirty water upstairs ... Theo! I got a computer desk, and I wanted to go up and settle accounts with him. Just walked to the door, my brother had a brainwave and filled a bucket with water. Fall down along the wall and hear screams below. 1 people from the second floor and the third floor of the building all came up ... then, I organized them to fight the guy on the fifth floor together. .

5 1, there are too many homework, so you can play cards with your homework. "A pair of Chinese papers!" "Don't!" "I want it! Four English papers have exploded! " "Can't afford it, keep walking." "Three historical papers and one political paper." "or not." ..... "A math paper, declaration ..."

52. My friend has a password in his qq space. The question is: Who are you? This idiot didn't tell me the answer, so I had to ask him, so I tried again and again. His name, his dog's name and our classmate's name were all tried, but they were all wrong. I had no choice but to send him a message: OK, I beg you! The goods replied contemptuously: My eyes.

53. Last night, I finally couldn't help yelling at my wife: "Did I marry you to let you bully me like this? Isn't that what happened before you got married? Where is your conscience? " The wife said coldly, "You ate." ~

54. Passing a lawn, I saw the slogan: Today you step on my head, and next year I will grow on your grave. . .

55. I invited a buddy to dinner today. He may have eaten too much. I couldn't help burping three times in a row on the bus: "Eh. Um ... hey. " A little friend in the next seat was sitting on his mother's lap. He said, "Qu Xiang Xiang Tian Ge", and the whole car laughed crazy ... I was alone in the corner and suffered internal injuries. ...

56, just shopping, a counter MM kept smiling at me, which made me unnatural! I got up the courage to ask her, "What are you laughing at?" MM said, "A thief just took out your mobile phone, looked at it, shook his head and put it back!" " "

Some time ago, I learned to play mahjong and soon became addicted. As a result, my wife found out, and she resolutely opposed it. I verbally promised her not to play, but I played secretly. Yesterday, I played mahjong with Sister Wang, and my wife came to inspect the post halfway. I lied that I was sleeping, but my wife didn't believe me. I am anxious to say that I don't believe you. Ask sister Wang, she was next to me, and then there was no more. . . .

58. Two little boys stood at the door of the household registration office and looked curiously at a couple who had just registered for marriage. A little boy said, "shall we scare them?" The other said, "Good!" Run in at once and shout to the groom, "hey, dad!" " "

59. Relatives from their hometown will be charged an extra service fee of 15% when they come to Beijing to eat in high-end restaurants. The waiter's service attitude is very good, sending fruit to tremella soup to send souvenirs. Relatives happily asked the waiter, "What else do you send?" The waiter said with a big smile, "We'll see you out later."

Walking in the underground passage near the railway station, I found someone writing a big mobile phone number on the wall, which read "Looking for homosexuals in this city". There is a line of vague small print below, "Fuck you, who knows if you are a man or a woman" ...

6 1, I just went to college, and it's my turn to introduce myself on stage. I'm super nervous and tongue-tied. The monitor comforted the audience and said, just say something. Then I gritted my teeth to say, "I'm sorry, classmates." I'm shy. I really can't say it when I first met you. " As a result, at the end of the last sentence, I was tongue-tied and said, I really can't shoot it at the first meeting.

62. My colleague is glad to have your son. When the son just learned to speak, he said to his son every day, "Call Dad." The son also said, "Call Dad." Over time, my son developed this habit. When he saw him, he said, "Call Dad." He had no choice, so he began to correct it. Now he says to his son every day, "Dad."

63. A patient who just woke up after amputation asked: What's wrong with me? Doctor: You had an accident. Patient: I'm in the hospital? The doctor replied: to be precise, most of you are in the hospital.

64. The bachelor pony picked up a handkerchief embroidered with A Xiang and telephone number. Pony dialed the telephone excitedly: hello! Excuse me, is Miss A Xiang there? For a long time, there came a voice: grandma, your phone!

Passenger: Your drivers drive at an amazing speed, but they seldom have accidents. What is the reason? The driver said, sir, that unskilled driver died in a car accident long ago.

66. Nurse: No! Just now that patient took the medicine we gave her and fainted as soon as she got out of the clinic! Doctor: Come on, turn her over and make her look like she just walked in the door!

One year, during the drought, a man went to a living fairy to beg for rain. The living fairy lit a wick and handed him a sealed note.

He said: "It's raining, otherwise it won't work." As soon as the man got home, it began to rain heavily. He opened the sealed note and read, "It rained today." The man exclaimed, "Ah! Living gods, true gods! "

68、

Carefully organized in person, not enough questions, satisfied with the adoption ~