Left ear in, right ear out! What's the problem?

It is one of the biggest headaches for many parents that children "go in one ear and out the other" and refuse to change their teaching when they make mistakes.

"How many times have I said it!" It has become the mantra of many parents.

When you are in a good mood, you can restrain yourself and have a better attitude towards your children and family. When you are upset, it becomes a storm.

Cry Me A Sad River

Is it really difficult for children to communicate?

Do we really need to be tougher to impress him?

However, the stricter the means, the stronger the child's tolerance may be. When will this vicious circle end?

When criticized, children are protecting themselves.

In fact, it's really not that children don't eat oil and salt. When he is criticized, he is also very sad and feels hurt. He will mobilize his physiological function to protect himself and produce a "fight or flight response".

"Fight-or-flight response": When encountering danger, the nerve glands of the body react quickly, which makes the body have a fight-or-flight response.

This kind of self-protection is embodied in escaping or resisting at the moment of injury and forgetting as soon as possible afterwards. This is the central limbic system of the brain at work. There is a small almond-shaped structure in the center of the central limbic system, called "amygdala", which is a gathering place for emotions and thoughts.

When a child is criticized, the amygdala will send a "fight or flight or no response" command to the child's brain. At this time, the child's performance may be to pretend not to hear or pretend not to care. This just reflects that they are aware of the seriousness of the problem and are also very painful.

Parents often don't understand this, and they will think that their children are thick-skinned and turn a deaf ear to their own words, so they think of using more severe methods to stimulate their children, or criticize them repeatedly in the future.

This kind of stimulation is too much, too strong and too long, which will make children have a worse "overrun effect".

Children are "forced" from the initial guilt to impatience and even disgust, and there will be rebellious psychology and behavior of "I insist on this".

In a word, both the stress response of amygdala and the "overrun effect" point to one core, that is: I know I was wrong and I am very sad.

This kind of bad criticism will do irreversible harm to the child's mind. So, can we solve the problem without "severe" criticism?

Effectively solve the problem of children's "oil and salt do not enter"

Understanding is the first step to solve the problem. If we don't go to see the children and don't know what happened, our evaluation is obviously biased. Therefore, before criticizing children, we should first understand the following questions:

1. Understand children's behavior.

A few days ago, a parent shared an interesting story with me about his children. His son's room is always in a mess, with toys everywhere, and his mother is not allowed to clean it up.

Every day when he comes home from school, he can find the change of his toys and can't help asking his mother, "Have you touched my things?"

Mother was puzzled, so she carefully observed where the toys were scattered.

When you enter the door, there are some cars, then building blocks, and then some picture books.

It turns out that the child likes to play the game of cars passing through caves. He built all kinds of caves with building blocks, and the car started to "start" from the door. The whole route is particularly smooth, seemingly messy but very organized.

The mother finally discovered the child's own logic through patient observation.

Such a thoughtful and planned child should not be criticized, should he?

Knowing the child's behavior logic and motivation, and then asking for it in a way that he can understand, letting him implement it, or changing his behavior, is bound to get twice the result with half the effort.

2. The explanation is specific and clear.

Some parents can easily communicate with their children with adult logic. In order to express the tension of language, it is often expressed by exaggeration or irony.

For example, we want our children to put on more clothes, but the words on our lips are: "Why don't you take them off!" Preschoolers will not be able to respond. Should I put it on or take it off? Therefore, we must understand the child's development level at this stage and understand his understanding ability to what extent.

We can also test whether children understand by asking questions, such as: "Mom said so, what are you going to do in the future?" At this time, children will express their thoughts, and we can further communicate with them.

Insight into inner needs.

Yang Yang is four years old, but she still wets the bed. Several times, her mother found the child awake, but sat up to wet the bed. Her mother decided that the child was intentional and lost her temper. She thought it was a deliberate prank by the child.

However, after in-depth understanding, we know that Yang Yang's mother often worked overtime during that time and always came home late. Many times when she got home, her child had fallen asleep.

The child is eager for his mother's attention, but he doesn't know how to use it. The experience of occasionally wetting my pants caught my mother's attention. Children think this method is good, so they always want to get their mother's concern in this way.

Yang Yang's mother is very upset and helpless. She really can't take care of her children when she is busy at work. However, if Yang Yang's mother can make an appointment with her children to accompany her and concentrate on accompanying her children to satisfy her heart, maybe the children can understand her mother's hard work.

In addition, there are other aspects that parents need to pay attention to. For example, it is difficult for children in early childhood to divert their attention.

Mother is cooking in the kitchen and Bao Xiao is playing with toys in the living room.

Mother cooked the meal and called to him, "Bao Xiao, it's time to eat!" "

No reply. Bao Xiao is still playing games. Mother set the chopsticks and shouted, "Bao Xiao, come and have dinner!" "

Seeing that Bao Xiao still didn't respond, my mother was anxious and said angrily, "I want to confiscate your toys!" " "

Bao Xiao finally responded: "I know!" Reluctantly, he put down his toys to eat.

Bao Xiao always seems to challenge his mother's bottom line, and then he always stops before her mother breaks out. Her mother spends a lot of energy on him every day, fights with him, and is always exhausted in the end.

In fact, when his mother called him, Bao Xiao was still absorbed in playing with toys and didn't want to stop what he was doing now, so he would rather be criticized at last, and he could put it off for a while.

In the face of such a child, we need to meet the child's focused needs, even if it is okay for him to eat in the future. The next appointment, when to play, remind the children five minutes in advance that time is coming, and let the children slowly develop the ability to take the initiative to withdraw their attention, and the contradiction will be slowly solved.

Of course, understanding children is not limited to these aspects. When we observe carefully and communicate patiently, we can slowly walk into children's hearts and learn more about them.

After knowing the child's thoughts, we need to "have a good talk" with the child.

Change the way of communication and reshape the parent-child relationship

1. Speak in affirmative sentences.

If you go to a park or zoo with many children, you will definitely hear this voice:

"You don't run! What if I fall! "

"Don't play there, it's dangerous!"

"Don't fight with your brother, have fun with others!"

When parents are in a hurry, they only pay attention to what their children have done badly and want to stop it in time, so they will subconsciously use negative sentences. Think from the child's point of view: what should I do if I don't do this?

So, we should say:

"Walk slowly and watch your step!"

"Just play with your mother and let her see you."

"Take good care of your brother. Be gentle. Too heavy will hurt him. "

In this way, children will understand what they should do, what they can do, and there are boundaries in doing things, and they will not go out of line.

Don't find fault with everything.

As a parent, I always want my children to be particularly excellent. Once there is something inappropriate, I always want to remind my child, which will actually distract my child's attention. Too many times will make my child feel uncomfortable in the eyes of parents.

When a child doesn't do well, we should give him some time to find out for himself. Without endangering health, you can let him experience the consequences of things and restrain himself with personal experience.

Lin Gelun, a famous Swedish writer, said: "Children really need discipline and guidance, but if they have been under discipline and guidance, it is impossible to learn self-control and self-guidance."

Allow the child to make mistakes, allow him to be imperfect, and the child will feel accepted, so that he will not be distracted, concentrate on his own behavior, and replace heteronomy with self-discipline, thus shaping an independent and healthy personality.

Therefore, the "hopeless" children are not shameless or shameless, but we can't see the broken hearts behind their pretending to be strong.

Finally, I know that every parent is a parent for the first time and everyone is trying to be a good parent. Just because we lack some experience, we will take some detours when educating our children.

Parents need to grow up with their children, constantly improve their educational methods in the process of educating their children, and become better themselves with their children.