A new joke

A chief has a hobby of listening to stories. One day, he entertained his guests. At his repeated request,

A foreign guest told a very interesting story:

The guest met a very pretentious person in the city and said to him, "Please."

Guess what I put in my pocket. If you guess right, I will give you half of these eggs;

If you can guess the number of eggs, I will give you ten. "

The man thought for a long time and said, "friend, although I am not stupid, I can't know everything." I guess

I can't help it. "

The guest said, "Guess again, this thing is white outside and yellow inside."

"I guessed it!" The man said loudly, "It must be a pile of white radishes with a layer of soil hidden in the middle."

Beans "

Hearing this, the guests all laughed, and the chief laughed even more. Finally he asked:

"That's a fool. Dear friend, please tell us that it is in your pocket.

What's down there? "

A clever daughter

Daughter: "Mom, do you like apples?"

Mom: "I like it."

Daughter: "Do you like it very much?"

Mom: "I like it very much."

Daughter: "Then don't buy me an apple."

Mom: "Why?"

Daughter: "You will eat it all on the way."

Careless professor

Professor Foldin is always careless. His wife asked him to throw a bag of rubbish into the dustbin outside the building.

In the room, he got on the subway, went to the laboratory, and finally took it home.

The wife was surprised: "What do you have?" Faldyn said, "Oh, I forgot to throw out the garbage."

Yes "

The wife took it and looked even more surprised: "Where did you get a pack of ham?"

Careless professor

A professor always forgets three things, either his glasses case or his walking stick. special

This is an umbrella. His wife buys him one almost every month. The professor secretly made up his mind,

Be more careful in the future. One day, the professor went out in the morning and came back in the afternoon, proudly telling his wife.

He said, "Hey, Tao Le, I didn't lose anything today. I brought my umbrella back! " He said, and then

Show an umbrella. "Oh, look at you careless person, you didn't take your umbrella out today!"

Different wording

The cardinal was driving very fast, and a policeman caught up with him on a motorcycle and stopped him. The bishop asked, "mine?

Are you driving too fast? Policeman: "No, your eminence." Your car didn't drive too fast, but

Fly too slowly. "

get a ride

A naval officer stood beside the driver on the bus and didn't sit down to avoid being broken and burned.

Wear a straight uniform. A drunk got on the bus, walked up to the police officer and pulled his sleeve.

Say buy a ticket. The officer ignored him. But the drunk insisted, so the official turned and said, "Peng!" "

Friend, I'm not a commander, I'm a naval officer. "

"Then," replied the drunk, "stop the boat. I want to take a bus. "

answer

Customer: "Waiter, can you explain the flies in my soup?"

The waiter bent down to look at it carefully and replied, "it's swimming, sir." It's swimming. "

Dial the wrong number.

As soon as the lights in the cinema went out, a thief put his hand into Regal's pocket and was immediately sent away by Regal.

Now The thief said, "I tried to get my handkerchief, but I was wrong." Please forgive me! " "

"It doesn't matter." Regal calmly replied.

After a while, the thief got a heavy slap with a bang.

"Sorry, wrong number, there is a mosquito on my face." Rega said.

Mosquitoes play lanterns

Two Scottish immigrants who had just arrived in new york spent the night in a hotel. They were awakened by mosquitoes all night.

Very angry, the last one said, "Sandy, cover your head with a quilt so that mosquitoes can't bite us."

Yes "After a while, Sandy put her head out to breathe fresh air, and then he saw something he had never seen before.

I've seen fireflies, so he cried, "God, it's no use covering your head. Mosquitoes are playing lanterns. "

Looking for us. "

wager

John and Mike bet two thousand dollars that he could dance with Madonna, and he really won.

Yes Then he bet that he could have dinner with Clinton, and Mike lost again. Finally, John made a bet that he could talk to the teacher.

The emperor attended a major religious ceremony together. At that ceremony, John and the Pope stood at a distance.

Suddenly he saw a man next to Mike whisper a word to him, and Mike fainted on the ground.

Afterwards, Mike explained that I wasn't surprised that you were with Madonna and having dinner with Clinton.

This meal is nothing, but when you and the Pope appeared, the person next to me asked me a word, but I

I feel dizzy. He asked, "Who is the man next to John?"

burp

The patrolling police found that every 10 meter, a car was going to bump up and down. So, he

Start the motorcycle to catch up and stop the car: "What happened to your car?" The driver is full of fear:

"No, it's nothing, officer. I, I always burp. "

sound of snoring

Little John's father went to bed as soon as it got dark, and the rough and annoying snoring fired little John.

I can't do my homework at all. "ah! Wake up, wake up! " Little John shook his father hard.

Wake up.

"Bah, I just lie down, what are you yelling about? ! "Old John lost his temper. "I see you played.

Snoring for two hours is really tiring. I hope you sit up and have a good rest. "

Play water polo

An athlete went to eat and saw a big plate of soup on the table with only one bean in it.

Nothing else. He immediately stood up and undressed. When his companion asked him what had happened, he replied:

"I'm going to take off my clothes, jump into the plate and play water polo with that bean."

A ashamed face

An English youth invited his girlfriend to a French restaurant for dinner, but he didn't know French.

I wonder what's on the menu. But he didn't want to appear ignorant in front of his girlfriend, so he pointed to the menu.

A few lines on the table read: "eat these dishes!" " "The waiter looked at the menu and said.

"Sorry, sir, this is a band performance!"

Elephant sandwich

The customs officer stopped a passenger and asked him if he had anything to declare.

"No." The passenger replied.

"Are you sure you haven't?"

"Of course."

"What about the elephant with a piece of bread in your ear behind you?"

"Sir, what I put in the sandwich is entirely my own business!"

Gangster 1

A condemned man asked Interpol, "What time is it?" % Interpol snapped, "I'm going to die,

Why ask the time? "The prisoner said," this is the event of my life. Remember that this time is very important to me.

It means a lot to me. "

Gangster 2

A gangster listened to the priest's sermon.

The priest said, "It is better to make more friends than to offend one enemy ..."

"I have no enemies." The gangster said.

"Great, why are there no enemies?" "I killed them all!"

Gangster 3

The thief went to church for mass. The priest asked, "What brings you here? You didn't steal the fire this week.

Chicken steak? ""No, not one. "

"Did other chickens steal it?" "No."

"Great, you are one step closer to God."

Whispered, "If he asks me if I stole the duck, I will stay away from God."

Gangster 4

The policeman asked a criminal who was about to be hanged what he wanted for breakfast. "Yes, I remember,

I like peaches best. "said the criminal.

"You know, it's winter and there are no peaches!" The police said.

"Never mind, I can wait."

Singular and plural

Teacher: "Nick, do you know singular and plural?"

Nick: "I see."

Teacher: "Tell me, is' pants' singular or plural?"

Nick: "It's singular above and plural below."

worry

The wife said to her husband, "Every time you go out, I am worried." "Dear, don't bear.

Heart, "the husband comforted her," I will come back at any time. " "This is what I'm worried about. "withered

I hope it's blood.

There was a Scotsman walking in the street with a bottle of whisky in his back pocket. Unfortunately, he was killed.

The car knocked down. He stood up and felt in his pocket. He felt a little damp. "ouch!"

He snorted. "I hope it's blood! ! "

Don't eat eggs

The lioness gave birth to a little lion, and the little lion wanted to eat. The bitch gave birth to a puppy, and the puppy came to eat.

"……

"In other words, all mothers have to eat."

Little Tom thought and thought, always looking for a guy who was born not to eat, but he found it three times in a row.

I haven't thought of it for days.

On the fourth day, he finally figured it out. He saw it with his own eyes. This is a fact. He ran to tell the old man.

Teacher: "Teacher, hens lay eggs, but don't eat them!" " "

of course

A man keeps a parrot that can only say "of course", so he decides to sell it. "Your parrot?

How much is Nautilus? "Asked the buyer 1000 yuan. "The seller replied." Why is it so expensive? "

"My parrot is very clever!" "Parrot, are you smart?" Asked the buyer. "Of course."

The buyer then bought the parrot. He was born when he found that parrots could only say "of course"

He said angrily, "Only a fool would spend 1000 yuan on such a parrot." "Of course!"

The parrot replied.

Guide dog

John was about to cross the road when he saw a blind man crossing the road with his guide dog.

At the green light, the dog didn't take the owner across the road, but peed on his pants.

Unexpectedly, the blind man reached into his pocket and gave the dog a biscuit.

John was surprised and said to the blind man, "If that is my dog, I will definitely kick its fart."

Shares. The blind man replied very calmly, "Yes, I want to kick it, but I must kick it first."

Find its head! "

out of luck

Miss Jenny was on the night shift when she saw a man coming towards her with open hands. "Rogue!" Zhan (Han)

Miss Connie scolded and kicked the man in the stomach. With a bang, the man shouted, "Oh, my God!

That! The third piece of glass still can't be taken home! "

Things succeed or fail.

A gentleman politely asked the lady sitting next to him in the trunk, "I'm here to smoke a cigarette to get in your way."

Really? The lady said kindly to him, "No, you are as good as at home." "The gentleman will accept it immediately.

Back in the cigarette case, he sighed and said, "Still can't smoke!"

A new chapter in morality

"Dad, what is morality?"

"What is morality? Wait, how do you explain this? For example, someone put a thousand pictures in it.

Gehrig left his wallet in the shop, and I found it. Should I keep the money alone or sell it with him?

Share the goods equally? It's called morality. "

It's hard to get

The defendant promised his defense lawyer, "If you have the ability, I can only go to prison for half a year."

Prison, then you will get an extra 1000 yuan reward. "The defendant finally understood.

While collecting money, the lawyer said, "This is really a hard job. Originally, the judge wanted to be acquitted. "

Put it on. "

Become very conceited

The father of the triplets called the newspaper to report the good news. The reporter who answered the phone didn't hear you clearly.

"Would you please repeat that?" He asked. The proud father replied, "Yes, yes,no."

But I don't want any more!

hard-earned

Someone invited a friend to his house for dinner. The friend asked, "Are you sure your wife knows I'm going?"

Dinner? "

"Of course I know. I argued with her about it all afternoon! "

Waiting for the cat to catch the mouse.

Man: "Madam, I accidentally stepped on your cat when I was walking." I'll get you one.

Come on, okay? "

Woman: "Then you have to hurry, there is a mouse in the kitchen at the moment."

Wait a minute.

A man asked God, "Great God, in your eyes, a thousand years is time."

What are you wearing? "

God replied, "It only means one minute."

"Almighty God, what does ten thousand gold coins mean in your eyes?"

"It just means a penny."

"Merciful God, please give me a penny!"

"Well, poor man, please wait!"

hell

After Bill Gates died, he came to the gate of heaven.

Well, you can choose whether to go to heaven or hell. Check it first, and then

Tell me the result.

Bill looked around, and people sang hymns and praised God with a serious face.

ada)； He went to hell again, only to see sunny beaches, beautiful women like clouds, C and basically everywhere, and wine.

If you are not drunk, you are already. . Bill said, hell, I like it! He returned to St. Peter.

Listen, you have a good life here, but it seems better in hell. good ...

No problem, you go ahead.

Bill went back to hell, tortured by war and oil pan. He is really in pain.

I can't.

He shouted: St. Peter-! Why? Where are all the beautiful women here? : Right?

I'm sorry, you mean the demo version. ...

The third possibility

The nurse said to the parturient, "Your husband called to ask if he was having a son or a daughter?" "Please.

Ask him if there is a third possibility. "……

telephone

1876, Alexander g bell won an award for a set of devices that transmit sound through wires.

Eight years after obtaining the patent, a farmer in California, USA, went to the telephone office for the first time to try this new thing.

He scribbled a few words on the paper first, rolled up the paper, pushed it to the messenger with a pencil, and then

Sit down and wait for an answer. After waiting for a long time without response, the farmer crumpled the paper and threw it into the handle. I waited.

After half an hour, there was still no movement on the phone. The farmer was very disappointed and walked away swearing.

Yes The staff took apart the damaged mobile phone. Is it dental caries? That piece of paper reads:

Order wrenches from the store.

telephone

A man calls home at work.

It was a strange woman who answered the phone.

The man said, "Who are you?" "I am the maid here." The woman replied.

"We didn't invite a maid." "The hostess of this room called me this morning."

"Oh, that I am her husband. Is she there? " "But ... she and one I thought was her husband's.

The men in the upstairs room ... do ... do ... do something that couples can do. "Listen to the man said.

Very angry. He said to the maid, "Listen, do you want to earn 50,000 dollars?" "I want you.

Go and take out the gun on my desk and shoot those two adulterers and adulterers! "The maid put the phone down.

Go down.

The man heard footsteps, followed by two shots

The maid came back and picked up the phone.

"What should I do with this body?" "Throw them in the swimming pool." "What swimming?

Swimming pool? ""hmm? ... um (expressing hesitation, etc.) ... is this phone number 262 1-5656?

The computer is broken.

The computer system in the office often breaks down, so Cathy has accumulated a lot of work.

One day, when she was driving home after working overtime, a policeman stopped her and said that she was driving too fast.

"I'm really unlucky this day." Cathy, full of resentment, cried and said, "The company's computer is good for a while, and it is good for a while."

Bad, good and bad, bad and good. I have to catch up after work, and now I meet this. "that?

The police ignored her complaint and immediately issued a ticket. It was a long time before he got her driver's license and license.

"Our computer is broken," he said with a wry smile.

Tv bug

Ferguson likes watching TV very much. His classmates looked for him in their spare time and nine times out of ten saw him sitting on the phone.

In front of the TV, so everyone called him "TV nerd".

No, the literature teacher announced in class that day: "I suggest you watch the eclipse tonight."

Gerson immediately asked, "What channel?"

TV fan

Uncle Martin's chattering parrot is ill. Don't eat or drink. Take it to the vet for consultation.

After the break, I said nothing was wrong. The vet asked Uncle Martin if there was any serious accident at home, which made him feel like a parrot.

Uneasy. Martin said that the only thing that happened was that the TV set was repaired.

"Get it back quickly," said the vet.

Sure enough, as soon as the TV set was brought back, the parrot's appetite recovered.

The rules in the shop

Manager: Remember, the rule of this store is that the customer is always right. Now tell me, just.

What did the gentleman say?

Shop assistant: He only said one thing-your manager is a big idiot.

fish

Patrol: Fishing is prohibited here, and it will be fined 20. Fisherman: I'm not fishing, I'm teaching earthworms.

Swimming.

Policeman: Really? Let me see.

Fisherman: Look.

Patrol: swimming naked, fined 50.

Change it.

The future father-in-law said to Pierre, "I agree to marry my daughter to you, the marriage of 60 thousand marks."

I'll deposit the cosmetics in the bank for you. "

Pierre said sadly, "You'd better give me 60 thousand marks and deposit your daughter in the bank."

Inches "

Overlapping quilt

Instructor: Kameda, why is your quilt always worse than Yamamoto's?

Kameda: Sir, Yamamoto made tofu before joining the army, and I made steamed bread with flower rolls before joining the army.

Yes

bullfighter

A matador is drinking in the country. His friends advised him not to drink too much, but he drank until he was brave.

Stumbling uncontrollably, and then taking a shortcut to the arena, there is already a bull lying on the field. bullfighter

At once, he put down his horn and fought fiercely with them. Finally, the bull ran away. Later, the matador followed his friend.

He said, "I really drank a little too much just now, otherwise I would have to drag the child off the bike."

But! ! "

Reading and curing diseases

A: "Where have you been all these years?"

B: "to the medical university."

A: "Then your illness must be cured."

take a risk

Four gentlemen got together to gamble. Before gambling, they said to John, "Go and see if there is one outside the door."

No police. "

John walked for ten minutes and came in panting and said, "There is no police outside the door, so there is no police station."

So I went to the station and called one! "

target

I came to you to propose to your daughter. Said the young suitor.

Have you talked to my wife? Father asked.

Yes, but I prefer to marry your daughter.

Make unnecessary moves

A swimmer swam across the English Channel. When he landed, many cheering people surrounded him.

Male ... A Jew came up and asked inexplicably, "You didn't know there were ships sailing here."

Really? "

The more the better.

A speeding car was stopped by a police patrol car. The policeman took notes and said to the driver.

"You will get a speeding ticket because your speed has just exceeded 60 miles."

The machine immediately said:

"Sir, would you please write down one hundred miles? You know, I'm going to sell this car.

So what! "

Years later

She (gently): "Dear, when did you first find yourself in love with me?"

He (angrily): "When people say you are stupid and ugly and I start to go crazy!" " "

Malicious slander

A plump woman came to the court and asked the judge sadly:

"If a person goes around calling me a hippo, can I sue him for malicious slander?"

The judge said, "Of course, when did he treat you like a hippo?"

"He has often said this to everyone since three years ago."

"What? Since three years ago? Then why do you want to sue now? "

"I went to the newly-built wildlife park yesterday to know what a hippo looks like."

Crocodile's big mouth

The keeper of the zoo stood in front of the crocodile with his mouth wide open and kept pushing it into his mouth.

Look at that.

Passers-by tourists asked, "What happened to the crocodile?" The administrator said, "I don't know yet. The doctor noticed him.

I went to my mouth and didn't come out for half an hour. "

crocodile skin shoes

Customer: "I want to buy a pair of crocodile shoes."

Shop assistant: "OK, madam, what size shoes do you want to wear for that crocodile?"

A loving couple

Once upon a time, there was a king who lived in an ideal city. Before entering the city, he issued an order: Enter the city.

All women can avoid death and leave the city with their most valuable things before dawn tomorrow.

Chi, the king guarantees their safety. At dawn the next day, I saw all the women in the city carrying them on their backs.

Carrying heavy burdens one by one, they were so tired that they sweated and walked out of the city gate out of breath. origin

Come on, it's all behind my husband's back.

Common sense of children

The wife of the drama director of Radio Delhi took the children to the zoo. All of a sudden, kid

Seeing a fat and big cat, I asked, "Mom, is this a husband or a wife?"

The director's wife was embarrassed and didn't know how to answer the children's questions. At this time, the child since

I have made a judgment: "Mom, I know. This cat is a husband! "

"Why?" Mother asked in surprise.

"I just gave it a hard twist, but it didn't bark or jump. It just lowered its head and said,

Say nothing. "

voucher of purchase

Morocco had a delicious lunch in a restaurant, and had to pay a ruble, but he couldn't even get a Gaby.

No, so he asked the shopkeeper, "Please tell me if someone hit someone here."

How much will he be fined if he slaps his face and the lawsuit goes to court? "

"I think it's five rubles!"

"Well," Morocco said, "please give me a slap in the face and give me the remaining four rubles.

Boss! "

invent

The Italian said to the Jew, "We found the cable underground in ancient Rome, which made me understand."

Our ancestors invented telephone communication. "

Jew: "Do you know what you found in Jerusalem?"

Italian: "What?" Jew: "Nothing was found."

Italian: "Ah" Jew: "That means our ancestors invented nothingness.

Line electricity. "

Cryptographic mystery

"Joan garment resistance, you went to school in law school, can you tell me something about what is the Talmud?

Really? "asked shimer.

"I want to give an example to explain. Shimer, I want to ask you a question: two Jews from

A tall chimney fell down. One of them is covered with soot, while the other is very dry.

Net, then who should wash it himself?

""the dirty one, of course! "

"Wrong! The man looked at the man who was not dirty and thought, "I must be clean."

Yes People who win the general prize think they may be dirty when they see people covered in dust. place

So, he wants to take a bath. Now I want to ask you the second question: they fell in again later.

Tall chimney-who should take a bath? "

"Now I know, the man who won the general prize!"

"Wrong! The average winner finds that he is not dirty when he takes a shower; And the dirty people looked at each other.

On the contrary, he understood why most winners take a bath, so he also took a bath.

Now I ask you the third question: They fell down the chimney for the third time-who will?

Take a shower? "

"Now, of course, the bather is dirty!"

Sixth floor

"Wrong again! Have you ever seen two people fall from the same chimney? One is clean and the other is clean?

A dirty thing? You see, this is the mystery of the Talmud. "

legal ground

Other families are remembered for calling others pigs. The court sentenced him to 70 rubles.

"This is so unfair!" Don't cry "Last time I swore, my family was a pig."

A fine of thirty rubles! "

The judge plausibly shouted, "Don't you know that the price of pork has already gone up?"

refute

Klaus hobbled out of the hotel drunk. "Oh, my God", a friend standing at the door.

Usalz shouted, "You're wearing your hat backwards!" "How to wear it backwards?"

Klaus retorted, "You have no idea which direction I want to go!"