Ultrashort funny quotations

1, who gave you so much courage? Don't tell me it's Fish Leong.

It is not necessarily a monk who burns incense, but also a panda.

3. A man's promise is like a woman saying she can't lose weight.

4, go go ~ Don't spoil the word youth, you are already in beginning of autumn.

The so-called celebrity is a person who doesn't know who he is before he becomes famous and who he is after he becomes famous.

6, unrequited love is a successful mime, and it becomes a tragedy when it is said!

7. You are my Youlemeili. I can throw you away after drinking.

8. People all over the world put up their middle fingers to Japan.

9. In modern and contemporary puppy love, you should quote the sentences in the book with your wife.

10, I bet you I'm really pregnant! If you lose, will you let me pass?

1 1. Once upon a time, her eyes were as dead as Dong Cunrui's.

12, I'm just a little legend, don't be infatuated with me, I'm just a fake version.

Newton said: Give me a fulcrum and I can pry up a toilet.

14, summer is hard. You can't even drink the northwest wind when you are poor.

15, love me, don't love me, kick me to death.

16, alas, it must be a man in the next life. No bleeding, no bedding. No children!

17, dung beetles's greatest wish in this life is to get a shit ball.

18, I just want to have a quiet stool and indulge in nostalgia.

19, my life was originally a coffee table. With your spoon, it became a tableware.

20. Who is it? If I say I like you now, will it be too late?

2 1, late at night, who makes you miss you so much, who frequently appears in your dreams.

22, twist you into sugar, the sky is in your mouth, and the earth is in your heart.

23. Do you like taking pictures when you are beautiful or handsome? No wonder I hate taking pictures so much.

24. People laugh at me too much, and I can't tell when I laugh at others.

25. Sister, I'm not sentimental. My sister just likes beautiful things.

26. Wahaha Wahaha Everyone has a smile on his face.

27. You don't know what dependence is until you drop your belt.

28. I like watching Diga Altman. Because every episode will kill a city.

29, let's take a look. Either you have a background. You have no reason for me to be nice to you.

Sister, I must live well and wait for death.

3 1, I want the world to know that I am low-key.

32. Alas, we can't afford to pay the heating bill at home, so we have to burn money.

33. Look at it in pairs. The collocation of men and women is uneven.

34. At the moment you ignore it, some kind of happiness has slipped away inadvertently.

35. Our happiness is envied by others.

36. You are rushing to open a house, and employers and employees eat wedding candy at home.

37. If you were a flower, cows wouldn't dare to shit.

38. Sometimes pies fall from the sky. Jed threw them to me.

I am not an aristocrat, but not everyone has a chance.

40. I take a fork in my left hand and a knife in my right hand, and enjoy life slowly.

4 1, what do you want, shredded squid and cuttlefish? Give me some shredded mermaid.

42. Failure in thought and morality is better than not thinking at all.

43. Who hasn't died since ancient times? It's your turn next.

44. It was agreed not to make me cry, but you smoked me with fucking onions.

45. If you have money, you can say that money is earned. When there is no money, say that the money is saved.

46. The chemistry teacher asked, What about the gas leak? Don't panic, light a cigarette and calm down.

47. I believe you won't leave when you come. I'll pretend you haven't been here when you leave.

48. Time flies! It was dark as soon as I got up.

49. Don't tell me the story of black society as ordinary people.

50. Why did I switch my mobile phone to flight mode, and it fell from the fourth floor or broke?

5 1, psychological test says: My heart is made of glass. I opened it and found it was bulletproof glass.

Don't look at me innocently like a puppy, it will make me want to eat dog meat.

53, unrequited love is not equipped with anti-aircraft gun radar, silently locking the enemy plane.

After watching your life, I finally found the courage to live.

55. I said, this strong man, after you sprinkled salt on my wound, don't try salty again.

56. The furthest distance in the world is your home in Australia, and I cook porridge at home.

57. I long for freedom, but the human body doesn't know how to climb out of the dog hole!

I've always liked you, but sometimes I don't like humans.

59. I have a father and a mother, no car and no house, a wide range of interests and a kind heart.

60. Don't always say that you are all right. Nothing is nothing.

Funny quotations from classical philosophy-funny quotations

When will there be a bright moon? Ask your roommate about the wine. I wonder if the handsome guy next door has a girlfriend?

Although I am not very handsome, when I was a child, someone praised my left nostril as an idol.

Mom's suggestion: Daughter, you should eat a little properly to lose weight!

Spring is a period of high incidence of colds and feelings. Some people accidentally caught a cold, and some people accidentally fell in love. I belong to the former.

I am also an infatuated seed. It rained and drowned.

Money is not everything, sometimes it is needed.

I allow you to come into my world, but I will never allow you to walk around in my world.

God, did you let summer and winter live together? ! This kind of weather!

When the bird is big, there are all kinds of Woods!

Not afraid of enemies like tigers, but afraid of teammates like pigs.

Summer is not good. When I was poor, I didn't even have to drink the northwest wind. ...

Do whatever you want!

Don't call me if you have nothing to do, and don't call me if you have anything to do.

Do you think I'll watch you die? I close my eyes.

Angels can fly because they look down on themselves. ...

I want to puppy love, but it's too late. ...

Please don't speak English in front of me in the future, ok?

I hope that one day I can double-click my wallet with my mouse, then select a hundred-dollar bill, press "CTRLC" and keep "CTRLV" all the time.

I am a lonely tree, standing on the roadside for thousands of years, waiting alone, just because one day you pass me, I will fall for you, even if I don't smash you, I will live in vain.

Please raise your hand if you love me, and stand on your head if you don't love me.

Never hang yourself from a tree. You can try it several times in the surrounding trees.

Don't set the bank card password as your girlfriend's birthday, or you will always change it.

The happiest thing: sleep until you wake up naturally. Count the money and count the cramps in your hands. The saddest thing: sleep until your hand cramps, and count the money until you wake up naturally.

Money can buy a house, but not a home; Marriage, but not love; Clock, but can't buy time. Money is not everything, but it is the root of pain.

Everyone wants to be different from others, and everyone is the same as a result.

When we were young, we often made faces in the mirror. When we are old, the mirror is flat.

A scholar dies as a confidant, and a woman is a lover of herself.

If being rich is also a mistake, I'd rather repeat it.

People are afraid of famous pigs and strong, men are afraid of having no money and women are afraid of being fat.

The effect of contraception: if you don't succeed, you will become a' person'.

Asking how sad you can be is like a group of eunuchs going to a brothel.

Sleep is an art-no one can stop me from pursuing art.

If marriage is the grave of love, then I expect someone to bury me.

I am not a casual person. I'm not a person when I get up casually

To be a man, you must be a person who wanders between cow A and cow C.

You can go as far as you want.

Lie down where you fell.

Being pregnant is like being pregnant. It takes a long time for people to see it.

Lovers form families.

Your ugliness has nothing to do with your face …

A tree will die if it is not skinned; People are shameless and invincible in the world.

I will have a son named "handsome" in the future, so everyone will say "handsome dad" when they see me.

Work, take a step back, fall in love, take a step back, and people are empty.

The highest level of work is to watch others go to work and get their wages.

Money is not the problem, the problem is no money!

I was drunk and nobody obeyed, so I held the wall.

I am like a fly lying on the glass, with a bright future, but I can't find a way out.

You know what, big brother? Second brother's meat is now more expensive than master's.

If eating more fish can nourish the brain and make people smarter, then you should eat at least a pair of whales. ...

Clear water means no fish, while lowly people are invincible.

Youth is like toilet paper. It looks a lot, but it's not enough.

Friends around you, get famous quickly, so that my memoirs can sell well.

A female classmate is darker and her boyfriend is whiter. One day, the poison queen in the dormitory suddenly said to her, "You can't do this, you will have zebras."

I always treat handsome guys and money like dirt, and they always treat me like this.

Don't be lazy with me, I'm too lazy to compete with you.

God said, let there be light, and I said I opposed it, so the world was dark.

My name is God, my nickname is Jesus, my English name is God, and my dharma name is Tathagata …

The farmer's three punches hurt a little.

In fact, I have always been very popular: I was loved by everyone when I was a child, and now I am loved by a bitch.

Not afraid of enemies like tigers, but afraid of teammates like pigs.

Go your own way and let others take a taxi.

Rats are looking for cats all over the street with knives.

As long as you work hard, shit is serious.

Who runs fastest? It's Cao Cao (not Liu Xiang). Because speaking of the devil.

Only when there is a long queue at the railway station can we truly realize that we are "descendants of the dragon".

When spring comes, a flock of geese fly north, forming a B-shape for a while and a T-shape for a while.

Tigers don't show off. You think I'm HELLOKITTY!

Donkey, yes, read it backwards and follow it.

The highest state of self-help: help the wall in, help the wall out.

No money, no power, no matter how good it is for you, can you come with me?

Take a newspaper to the toilet. I am a scholar.

Go to Google and Baidu to see.

Women must be kind to themselves. Once you are exhausted, other women will spend your money, live in your room, sleep with your husband and beat your baby!

Grandpa comes from his grandson. ...

You can go as far as you want!

No one has blown cowhide so fresh and refined for a long time!

Boss, is money really that important to you? You talked for more than three hours and didn't leave a penny behind?

When I woke up, it was dark.

If I become a personnel manager, the first thing I will do is to promote myself to the boss.

I am losing weight except eating every day. You say I have no perseverance?

I won't tell you if I kill you.

Any problem that money can solve is not a problem.

After studying for more than ten years, I think it's better to mix kindergartens!

Even believe in advertisements. Are you stupid in your studies?

How to lose weight if you don't have enough food?

The early bird catches the worm, and the early worm is eaten by the bird.

God, my clothes have lost weight again!

Water can carry a boat and cook porridge.

Buying a computer without broadband is like becoming a monk without eating.

There is an old legend-people who can see beautiful women on XX campus will live forever.

Healthy and relaxed; Living is easy; Life is not easy.

My name in my girlfriend's mobile phone is "He". After breaking up, I became "it".

I am different from you because I am human.

I only drink pure water when drinking water and pure milk when drinking milk, so I am very simple.

God gave us youth and acne.

If something goes wrong, look for the reason from yourself first. Don't blame the earth for its lack of gravity when you are constipated.

Boys are poor, or don't know how to struggle, girls are rich, or they are coaxed away by a piece of cake.

Fate is responsible for shuffling cards, but it is ourselves who play cards!

Love is a kind of helplessness, being loved is a gesture, waiting for love is an expectation, and not loving is an ability.

The beauty of a woman lies in her unrepentant stupidity, and the beauty of a man lies in being a ghost every day.

Interesting quotation

1. People come and go saying that you two are crazy, but you have to say: our image spokesperson, Haier Brothers.

Look at your face, it's a pimple on your face, and it's also a rash with a mask during SARS.

A flock of geese fly south and jump west when they see your face. Look how scary your face is.

4. Ah, nothing, but I suddenly thought of you when I went to the grave on Qingming Day. So many people are dead, why don't you die?

I am surprised that a rare species like you should be listed as a national first-class protected animal and exhibited at the World Expo.

6. Maybe you can contribute to the study of exotic species in China.

7. You should be pulled out of the henhouse and put in jail at once!

8. Frankly speaking, you can set up a brothel.

9. I'm not perfect, but I naturally admit it. What about you?

10. If someone scolds you, say it and say it again! Say it again if you can. If he says it again, say it. That's cute. He will scold you if you say it. Say it again if you can. If he doesn't talk, you can say it, but you dare not. Don't be so arrogant in the future, and then you can go.

1 1. A new generation of washing powder, a new generation of people! A new generation of dog men and women do-love can't close the door! Why don't you close the door? There is a man outside the door! What are men like? Just like you!

12. It's not your fault to be ugly, it's your fault to run out and scare people!

13. Your mother is loved by everyone! ~! See you in the car! ~! ~ open the coffin when you see your mother!

14. Call you stupid, treat your vest as underpants, say you have a son, and treat your underpants as a vest! ! Haha ~ ~ absolutely a fool!

15. No matter what the other person says, you always answer that you have vegetables between your teeth.

16. If the other person says, nonsense, I didn't eat food today, you are surprised to say it was yesterday, and so on.

17. Because that is very common, if the other party speaks first. Funny quotations teach you to calm down and curse.

18. Look at the clothes you wear every day. Why don't you do something?

19. You are still pursuing fashionable hairstyles. Would you please look at your score of 38?

20. Nongfu Spring, which contains a bottle of its own tap water every day, still feels quite petty.

2 1. Said my man is a man with two legs, short of oil. It seems that your man is a three-legged toad.

22. Don't always live in Hibika. Your family is hungry. Go find Wang Cai next door.

23. You can say, do you want to eat? I can help you dig.

24. Don't always ask others why they don't want to talk to you, because it's too difficult for them to talk to you. Can you believe it?

I don't want to judge a book by its cover. I tried to see your soul. As a result, your soul is no more beautiful than your appearance.

26. Why didn't the country use your face to study bulletproof vests?

27. Excuse me, can I ask you for some faces? I don't think it matters if you have three layers outside your face.

28. If someone scolds you, you can say, I don't have a sister.

29. Did you treat dichlorvos as cola and let your head drink it at 80 cents and 12 Jin?

30. It's a pity that you don't go to the army. You are so ugly that more than half of you will die if you put it on the battlefield.

3 1. Even the nuclear bomb has been saved. If you had been born a few years earlier, there would not have been the Nanjing Massacre.

32. If I want to have a child, I must let you teach him, and I must teach him history. Look at your face, China will remember five thousand years.

Go home and look in the mirror and take a good look at yourself. How many onions are there on your head? If not, buy some and put them in your head. Play dumb.

Your parents are happy because of you, because you are too much like them, and you are not like a bought child.

35. You and your dad are standing on Qianmenlouzi Street in winter, with cigarettes in their mouths.

36. You are definitely your mother's own, otherwise how could your mother raise you such an asshole!

37. Do you want someone to hit me? Call out all the cats and dogs in your village.

38. Don't talk about her like that. She has a flower at the head of the village, but since she was a flower, cow dung has disappeared.

Don't swear easily, just put your mother in your pocket.

40. If the teacher hadn't said that littering was not allowed anywhere, I would have thrown you away.

4 1. This is also sustainable development, from this school to the present school.

42. Say I am jealous of you. Dry your tears and have a look.

43. I have nothing to show off in an ostentatious manner except that I am less shameless than you.

44. You mean your old mother has so many beautiful women? Do you feel good if your old mother hurts you? There are so many coquettish 13.

45. I want to talk to you about quality, but I can't stand you even if I endure shit and urine.

46. Do you deserve to talk about quality? Are you afraid of your mouth rotting? What are the skills of barking dogs? If you really bite me, it will be awesome.

47. Seeing you hanging out with men every day, who loves to watch you throw bones at you?

48. I think you are doing well now. Don't forget what kind of dog you were.

49. Seeing that you are getting weaker every day, I immediately understand what a young lady's body is like.

If you are educated by your mother, you will be taught how to stab others.

45 classic funny quotations-funny quotations

When I was a child, I usually sold popsicles and ice cream by pushing bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: New ice cream is selling well. (It is estimated that Auntie used to sell fried dough sticks.

One day I went to my classmate's house for dinner and drank some wine. Her father suddenly came in. He wanted to call his uncle, but he dialed the wrong number.

Say, "Dad, come and sit down!" ~ ~ cold! A bunch of classmates laughed to death.

Once I ordered a song at ktv, a mm shouted: Give me a stick-cut "Double Jay" every week.

In the past, the teacher handed out papers, and the girls at the back took one more and shouted, "Teacher, I have it, I have it." As a result, the boy sitting next to him said, "It's mine, it's mine". The whole class was stunned ~ ~ ~ No way, who made me like to be lazy at work?

My friend's child is half a year old, so I'm calling to care about it. After a few commonplaces, he said: Is your child eating human milk or your milk now?

One night, I met an acquaintance and said, "Good morning."

In the evening, a roommate came into the room and announced loudly, "I watched the midnight edition of The American Ring today!" "

Because of business trip, I have to go to a domestic bank to repair equipment. After I got out of the hotel and got into a taxi, I said to the female driver, "Go to China Bank and find a hardware store to buy a knife." Sweat! I was going to buy a screwdriver. I didn't notice that I was wrong. At this time, the female driver kept looking at me and said, "Big Brother, I'm going to get off work. Please find a new taxi. " At that time, I was very angry and said, "What car did you stop at the hotel after work?" ! ? The female driver looked at me and said, "I don't want the fare after buying the knife. Please find another one. "dizzy! ! ! Only then did I realize that I was wrong, and I quickly explained it for a long time. Now that I think about it, I feel sorry for the female driver.

The political teacher once said in a lecture, "Let me give you an example." Then he felt wrong and said, "give me an example."

In junior high school, the teacher asked the translator. Who is this person? A classmate translated: Whose man is this? The whole class laughed and the teacher was speechless.

In the political class, I talked about the political problems between China and Japan, and talked about the Japanese samurai committing suicide by caesarean section. The teacher said, "Japanese samurai were all delivered by caesarean section before they died ~ ~ ~"

When I was in college, one of my classmates just bought a mobile phone, got a mobile card and dialed 1860 to ask about it. At that time, he was excited: May I ask about your mobile phone business? . . From hands-free, we actually heard the telephone operator say politely: We are moving to bring business. . . The whole dormitory laughed wildly.

My husband is thin. Once I was in a hurry and said, "Honey, you look as thin as a pig!" " "

Original broadcast: Two gangsters wounded 1 10 police and fled. The announcer read: Two gangsters wounded 1 10 policemen and fled. (Huang Feihong reincarnated! )

One of our colleagues, when going to take the driver's license test, said a classic sentence to the examiner: report the instrument, the examiner is normal.

I remember once, when I went to KFC with a sister, I heard her muttering in the queue, a chicken leg burger and a pair of chicken wings. .....................................................................................................................................

Tell me about KFC's new "flesh and blood connection" (mutton kebabs have brittle bones) and let me take her to eat. It was extremely hot in Beijing these days, and I went to the restaurant in a daze.

I said to the smiling miss KFC: please give me two glasses of "blood", thank you! ............. is ashamed _!

A boy saw his uncle: "buy two dishes for uncle!" " "Uncle:" The child is so boastful that he can't even tell anyone! " "

A shy male classmate went to the canteen to have breakfast. In the window, the host asked him, "What do you want?" He lowered his head and said, "I want … I want … a steamed stuffed bun, a steamed stuffed bun." The master stared at him for a long time and asked, "What do you want? Say it again! " "I want a steamed stuffed bun, a steamed stuffed bun ... oh. Don't! A steamed bun, a loaf of bread! "

In English class, the teacher said, "Good morning, teacher!" " Student: "Good morning, student!" The whole class burst into laughter.

A classmate called a friend's house and his grandfather answered it. This classmate doesn't know what he is thinking. He just said, "Grandpa, I'm grandma ..." Suddenly he felt something was wrong and hung up with a bang. ...

A buddy once asked a girl he had long admired, ready to confess to her. They sat for a long time before he got up the courage to say to the girl, "Do you have a boyfriend?"

The girl replied shyly, "Not yet." He was ecstatic: "Then can you be my boyfriend?"

The wife asked reproachfully, you don't even know your grandmother's name? The husband is very wronged to answer, how should I know? My grandmother was only seven years old when I died.

Wife surprised: What? Husband quickly changed his mouth: no, no, my grandmother died at the age of seven!

My mother said to me before going out to play mahjong, "You put all your clothes in the refrigerator and put all your dishes in the washing machine."

Once I came out from my mother to find my wife. Seeing my wife, I habitually called out, "Mom!"

Two people bickered, and suddenly a man next to them came out and said, "You are really full and have nothing to do!" " "

In the unit's toast, a leader said, "I wish you good health ..." Hold your breath, and there will be no more words.

Old four in the dormitory got out of bed and looked for slippers for a long time. No, I asked everyone: Where are my slippers?

Once I went to buy mutton kebabs and put out four fingers and said to my boss, "Three mutton kebabs." The boss got "how much?" I held out three more fingers and said "four" ...

My surname is Zhu, the computer room of the management unit. Someone once called my mobile phone: "Sir Chicken, are you in the pigsty?" That's when I yelled at that guy!

When my parents quarreled, my father said angrily, "I want to go out!" " "

Just went to college, military training, the company commander didn't know where the accent was, and shouted the password-"Drill to the left!" "Drill to the right!"

When I was in college, I heard a girl order: Master, stir-fry a plate of hot and sour potato shreds, not potatoes!

When I was looking for a job, the examiner asked me when I would graduate. I wanted to say 2000, but when I got excited, I said, "Two thousand years ago. . . "What's more, the examiner sighed and said," Confucius' student. "

At a literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: Please enjoy the following: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy! ! ! ! !

Tigers don't send cats, you think I'm dying!

Me: "That's our physics teacher. . . "Classmate:" What do you teach? " Me: "Chemistry. . . "

One day when I was at school, a phone call came to me. My classmate answered, handed it to me and said, "Your mother wants you." As soon as I answered the phone, I casually said "men and women" Everyone laughed wildly. After being laughed at for four years, a beautiful woman worries about marrying. Dude, I don't think I won.

Once my classmate's mother called, I used to say "he's not here". This time I want to say "he's out". The result was: "He ... left."

Pass me a sorbet, I took a bite and shouted, "It burns me!" " "

When I went to Li Ning with my sister to buy shoes, my sister said, "Miss, how much are these shoes?"

I went home on weekends when I was at school, but I became addicted to smoking after dinner, and I planned to find an excuse to go for a walk. When changing shoes at the door, my father asked me why I wanted to go. I casually said, "Go have a cigarette!" As a result, my father found a pack of 555 from me and gave me a good K.

The teacher left homework, so I copied it from others if I couldn't do it, and then I went to the office to hand in my homework. I saw the teacher say, "I copied it!" " "

Our unit has a car to go to work in the morning, because the car is not big. Once, a male colleague sitting next to me stood up and greeted her warmly and said, "So-and-so, sit on my ass!" " "I laughed to get off ~!

When I was in college, a classmate argued with me, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. In desperation, I got up and shouted: You talk nonsense, I'm not stupid!