You must live like the dawn.

I have written down the past for a long time. The memory in the diary still stays at 2019165438+1October 29th.

I always feel like I need to record something. In this era of fast food, I am really afraid that I will be swallowed up by ambiguity.

Born as a man, running in time, each has its own hardships. In the days that cannot be expressed, you and I must try our best to smile. Store the truest feelings on the other side of time.

65438+2020 10 month

The hardships of 2020 seem to have started from January.

At the beginning of the month, my mother had an operation in Lanzhou, and I ran to the hospital while working. Make an appointment for an examination, wait for the result, and make an appointment for an operation until my mother came out of the operating room. The doctor said that the operation was very successful, and the hanging heart was put down.

What I remember most during that time was that one night, my mother was so painful that she couldn't sleep and asked me to take her around the corridor. Her eyes were covered with gauze, and her hands held my hand and refused to let go. At that moment, I choked and couldn't speak. Maybe I learned to walk for the first time when I was a child, so I held my mother and refused to let go!

It was also at this time that a sudden epidemic spread rapidly. Just at first, many of us didn't know.

It was not until 65438+10.25, the first day of the New Year, that Wuhan was closed. Overnight, all parts of the country began to get nervous, setting up checkpoints to check and prevent the epidemic ... too many people suddenly left this world when the new year came.

Seeing Bai's interview with a hospital in Wuhan, my heart was heavy and I couldn't calm down for a long time. I know that once a patient is isolated, he can't see his relatives during his daily life and treatment. Even if he dies, the hospital will directly connect with the funeral home. This means that infected people have to face it alone from the day they are isolated until they die. While cooperating with medical treatment, he has to comfort himself. Even if he can't see the light, he will try his best to support it with his own resistance, and at the same time walk on the brink of collapse and fight against fate. Suddenly, he will cry and feel that we are no longer forgiven by the world.

Think of Israeli writer yuval? In the book A Brief History of the Future, Herari wrote: In the 2nd/kloc-0th century, the plagues, famines and wars that once threatened the survival and development of mankind for a long time have been conquered, and Homo sapiens is faced with new topics: immortality, happiness and incarnation as gods. Now it seems that we still have a long way to go on the road to becoming gods, because the plague is still so terrible when it is raging.

654381October 26th, my favorite player died suddenly, just like a nightmare, and I still feel in a trance.

You know that your beloved player will be old and retire one day, but you can't know that date clearly, so you love and look forward to it. Even when the day comes when he really retires, your heart is sad as if suddenly abandoned by years. But as long as he is still there, the legend is there, and your youth is there. You know, people will eventually leave this world. You think that when a heroic man leaves, it should be rainy and windy, and people will be cold and sad, just like sad weather. Anyway, you think that at least something different should happen to deserve your players. But this day is extremely ordinary, so ordinary that you have no time to react, so ordinary that you confirm it again and again, don't believe it again and again, and have to believe it again and again.

Life comes and goes, and the future will never grow.

April 2020

In April, the epidemic finally took a turn for the better, the situation gradually improved, the school was about to start, and I stayed at home for a long time, anxious and bored. It turns out that people really can't be too idle.

I left Lanzhou for two years, returned to my hometown and changed to a new school. It's about half an hour's drive from home, not too far, so you can stay with your parents all the time.

April 15, school finally started. Going to a new school, a new beginning, classmates and colleagues are all brand new. I don't know what will happen in the future, but I still secretly hope that everything will be fine.

I have a new roommate and a big sister who is several years older than me. I have never met before, but I feel at home, like an old friend who has known me for many years, and I have endless words.

My new colleagues are very nice and my classmates are very loving, but occasionally I think of my friends who are scattered all over the world. I hope we can all be treated gently in this trivial life.

Life is a farewell again and again.

The bustling world, fortunately, we met.

Later, times changed,

We also picked up a thermos cup and chalk.

When he was young,

Become the youth of others.

Pick up the bad mood that has been falling apart recently.

Look up at the beautiful little joy around you.

From then on, I was not afraid to go alone.

July 2020

In July, my father was hospitalized again.

It has been raining, raining, one ordinary day after another, wet quilts, hands and feet that can never be warmed, my father lying in a hospital bed, and the day when I went to work and ran to the hospital.

After more than ten days in hospital, my father never got better. Take him to Lanzhou to make an appointment for inspection at the weekend, and wait for the result. Fortunately, his final state is not bad, which is reassuring.

On the morning of my return home, I ate beef noodles in familiar streets and places. I suddenly feel very happy. I can't tell whether I am happy or sad. I just feel that from now on, there will be more and more regrets in my life, and more and more people have to give up.

But fortunately, my relatives are around, safe and healthy, enough.

I don't have any great wishes, but I hope my family will be clean and safe.

August 2020

In August, I finally ushered in the late summer vacation, reported to the driving school, and wanted to get a driver's license. When I save enough money, I can buy a car and travel around the world.

In August 10, it rained heavily and there was a flood, just where the school was, so the summer vacation ended and I went to school day by day.

Help clean up, find people, cook, deliver meals, and visit the affected students. ...

When I went with the army to deliver meals, I saw the devastated disaster area, mud, floods, collapsed houses and the timid eyes of children for the first time. ...

It turns out that in front of nature, we are as small as ants, as are epidemics and floods.

However, mankind is so great. They never give up. They are United as one. Doctors, policemen, soldiers and volunteers ... flesh and blood support us to fight against disasters.

Therefore, no matter how difficult it is today, the sun will still rise as usual tomorrow.

At the end of August, the new semester began again. I took a new class and brought English. Although I am not a professional, I will do my best in this way.

2020 10 month

From June+10 in 5438, the epidemic situation gradually slowed down, and the itinerary agreed with good friends was finally put on the agenda.

We went to Chengdu and Chongqing, ate hot pot and saw pandas. I like all the strangers, strangers, strange streets, strange cities and strange scenery in my journey. Just like coming to this world for the first time, everything you see is a surprise.

165438+October 2020

Since June 1 1, my mood has been in great trouble, and I know it myself, but I can't adjust it well.

I stay up late every day? Waiting to die in an accident in the middle.

A messy life, a dream of giving up halfway, people who appear and leave again ... It's hard to say what it is, just for a long time, I can't eat and sleep well, I can't sleep all night, I shed tears inexplicably, my hair falls off one by one, I go to class in the morning and sleep in the afternoon. In the days when it is difficult to continue, I will plug in headphones, listen to songs over and over again, walk a long way alone and cry while walking. I don't want to meet my friends, talk to others, eat with my colleagues, and feel lonely like a ghost. Sometimes, I think I am crazy. This unspeakable pain is really devastating. I struggle with myself day after day, expecting a redemption.

Talk to my good friend on the phone, and listen to her complain about the unsatisfactory work, the family's constant urging of marriage, and the trivial life with her boyfriend. Suddenly I envy those girls who can express themselves unscrupulously. They are laughing happily, crying if they want, saying if they are unhappy and fighting for what they want. They boldly express their demands, desires, sadness and happiness ... emotions are so noisy.

And I, in countless helpless days, slowly learned to give up dependence on anyone. Everyone thought it was disturbing and subconsciously avoided it. I don't want to disturb anyone, so I face everything alone.

In the past few years, there are so many things that I have no choice but to support myself. You need to be rational, strong and comprehensive. Only in this way can we be independent and let those who can't get through.

I have learned to collect all the joys and sorrows. Even if your heart is in turmoil, you should smile when you meet people and pretend that everything is going well with the most legitimate expression.

I have tried my best to express myself well, but I can't speak with my mouth open, so I can only be a mute who lies to myself. I can't tell my friends that I am being swallowed up by bad emotions. I can't describe to them how the sudden bad mood happened. I play a happy role, eating and sleeping after work every day, and fighting against the darkness inside. I tried to stick to my ideas, but I was hit in the face again and again by my stubbornness.

Funny, decadent, empty, stumbling.

How hard it is to live.

But there is no way to really leave boldly. You know, parents will worry, relatives will care, friends will care, others will laugh ... there is too much helplessness, there is no way to be really free and easy, and there is no way to be truly unscrupulous.

Who will teach me how to sprout flowers that I want to open to the world?

Who can teach me how to express those words without opening my mouth?

Will it get better?

It's gonna be okay, right?

I will still be heartless and happy as usual, right?

202 1 beginning of the year

202 1 1, I went to Lanzhou and met confused Chai and A Fang. Confused Chai is still so busy, so thin, and doesn't take good care of himself. We stayed together for more than ten days. I know how hard it is to be alone. I wanted to hug her when I left, but I felt too melodramatic. Forget it. We have a long time, right?

A Fang has found a new job, and her efforts are distressing, but she has never been treated well by fate. When I remembered 10, she sent me a message saying that she was standing by the Yellow River and wanted to jump for a moment, but when she thought of her mother, she felt it was time to go home for dinner.

I have an appointment with Qian, and the girl who has a job and is in a smooth relationship shines on her face. It's good. I hope my good girl will be happy forever.

202 1 February

In the twelfth lunar month and Chinese New Year, I will have dinner with my good friends, watch movies, play mahjong and listen to my relatives urging me to get married. ...

Perhaps, people like me are not born to please the world, so you see, I am almost 26 years old, and I am still alone, reading, traveling and stopping around. Or hit the south wall again and again, head broken, stubborn. Unlike many people, I am 25 years old, married and have children long ago, and my life is very happy. How nice.

It may really take a long time for someone like me to meet that person on the same frequency. For example, in a lonely ocean, there is a whale with a strange frequency. She hummed all her life. Perhaps, she has never heard an answer in her life. You said she sang so lonely. In fact, you don't know that it's cool and interesting to hum a song by yourself.

I also want to meet someone who can understand his singing, but I don't. I also want to get married at the age of 25, like most people, but there is no one who makes me want to turn my face. I have met many people who say they like me, but I have never seen anyone insist. I don't want to like and give up casually.

Maybe I haven't met the right person yet. What if I reach the age of 30 and want to say at first sight: Oh, there you are, what should I do? He sang a song that didn't sound good at all, but I found it so cute. I listened to every word carefully and sang it to my heart. He asked me, why are you so stupid? You married someone you don't like so early, and you became a bug at the age of 30.

I tried to explain myself, tried to let him know how much I couldn't control myself, tried to look like a monster at the age of 30, sang like everyone, got married like everyone, went to dispensable classes like everyone, but in the end, I cried.

He said sadly, you are obviously a fish, why do you have to be like them?

Right? So we don't have to live to be 25. We want to get married, take the postgraduate entrance examination, travel, grow flowers, raise dogs and dance with goldfish. It was these strange ideas that led to us later.

Maybe one day, you will meet someone and have a chat. You say wow, you like fish, too. He said yes, yes, do you like goldfish or koi fish? You said with a smile, I like spicy food and braised pork.

I like both, but there is a difference between liking and not liking.

No matter you are 20, 25, or even 30, 40 or 50, you should do what you really like and not be influenced by others.

Of course you can love someone desperately, but never forget who you are.

So, dear friends, don't rush the marriage any more. My fish is still swimming in the sea. It's no use rushing.

You see, this fragmented life has been cured year after year.

Therefore, you must live like the morning light.

Hey, tomorrow or Chinese New Year, see you in your dream, and see you when you wake up.

-2021