Joke Collection Website - Cold jokes - Daily hottest segment selection?

The arrival of summer makes us impetuous. At this time, we need to watch some jokes to ease our inner anxiety. The following is what I arranged for you. I hope y

Daily hottest segment selection?

The arrival of summer makes us impetuous. At this time, we need to watch some jokes to ease our inner anxiety. The following is what I arranged for you. I hope y

Daily hottest segment selection?

The arrival of summer makes us impetuous. At this time, we need to watch some jokes to ease our inner anxiety. The following is what I arranged for you. I hope you will like it.

collected works

1. A recruit always lags behind when he gets up, so he buys dyes and paints his body in camouflage uniforms. He was the first to rush out of the barracks when the bugle sounded in the middle of the night. The officer praised: "Very good! But next time, pay attention to * * * to hang behind. "

2. A man accosted a sister paper on the bus. The man said to the woman, "You really look like my ex-girlfriend." The woman bowed her head in shame and asked, "So … why did you break up with her?" Man: "I think she is ugly."

In high school, the penultimate in the class never came to school and spent all day in Internet cafes. But the strange thing is that he comes to every exam and is never absent. Later, we found that the penultimate member of the class would go to the Internet cafe before each exam to give the penultimate member ten dollars and beg him to take the exam. ...

4. Once my girlfriend accidentally rushed into the men's room after drinking too much. In front of the panicked face, the goods even pretended to be calm and shouted, "What are you afraid of?" I didn't bring a ruler ~ "

Guess what? I really want to take you out to experience the charm of KTV! Do you know what KTV is? Then k stands for you, t stands for you, and finally I'll make a V gesture!

6. Humans have 23 pairs of chromosomes. One day, the old man who taught biology asked slowly, "Students, how many chromosomes are right?" Some idiot in the corner loudly replied, "Sixty-four pairs!" The old man nodded calmly and seriously: "well, now tell me, what is the purpose of your coming to earth?"

7. A few days ago, I was surfing the Internet at home. My long-lost college classmates suddenly went online with qq and WeChat, and sent me a message of blessing. The first reaction was that this guy was getting married, so he made up a decisive reason to answer him, "Dude, I'm engaged on 1/month1.Will you come to my engagement party?" Sure enough, he replied, "Sorry, I'm getting married on 1 1 month/day. It seems that you can't come either." ~ save the ocean.

8. There is a mother and son in the car. The child is still wearing open-backed pants. The child has been talking. Everyone is looking at him and thinks he is cute. The child suddenly asked his mother, "Why does the elder sister across the street keep staring at my little JJ?" Then, I heard people around me laughing, and the girl opposite blushed. When GC came, his mother said, "Sister didn't look at you, but people looked at you too much." How can you make a little girl feel embarrassed? Everyone around you is holding back internal injuries. ...

9. When walking with my boyfriend, I like to hug his waist and pull his clothes. Walking one day, he suddenly said, "Will you stop pulling my clothes?" I was unhappy and said, "can't you have a baby when you talk to me?" Then he said, "Don't pull my baby clothes, okay?" Me: "..."

10. The family went to see a play. They bought tickets upstairs, but the little boy kept looking down on the railing, only to hear a staff member come over and say, "Take care of the child and don't let him fall." Downstairs is the VIP table. If you fall, you have to pay for the tickets ... "

1 1. The young soldier received a letter from his hometown. When he opened the envelope, he took out a blank sheet of paper. "What is this?" The friend asked. "The thing is," said the soldier, "when I left my hometown, I had a quarrel with my fiancee. Neither of us has spoken to anyone since then. "

12. I went to the school toilet yesterday, which is the kind where pits are connected and separated one by one. I lost a fifty-cent coin when I took off my pants. I feel a little distressed and can't continue to take off my pants. I broke down again. My heart is broken! Then a sentence came from the pit behind: "Shit, you think this is a wishing pool!" " "

13. My buddy picked up a big dog on the road and felt sorry for it, so he took it home ... The dog wanted to occupy the territory and always peed at home, but he never changed. Finally, the friend couldn't bear it, took off his pants and sprinkled a bubble of urine where the dog had just peed, warning the dog that this was Lao Zi's territory. By the way, dogs don't pee at home anymore.

14. On a date with my girlfriend one day, while waiting for my girlfriend, I bought a yellow plate under the bridge, bargained with the middle-aged man and put it in my coat pocket. Go to my girlfriend's house for dinner at night. When I first met my future parents-in-law, I never dared to look up. The girlfriend teased, "What's the matter? I have never seen you so shy. " I whispered, "I didn't expect your father to sell CDs!" " "

15. China people, Americans and Jews drink together. Three flies flew into their drinks. Americans drank an important drink, but China ignored it and drank it. The Jew grabbed the fly and shouted, "Spit it out! Spit out your drink! "

16. After the two mice got married, the mother mouse became more and more arrogant. One night, the male mouse wanted to scare her, so he went to the door to learn to meow. The wife was not only not afraid, but also said softly, "Mao Ge, stop screaming, my husband hasn't gone on a business trip yet."

17. The father said sternly to his daughter's boyfriend, "You just take my daughter to the movies every day, can't you do something else?" The young man was surprised and happy: "You mean you can do other things?"

18. Grandma exclaimed after watching the Olympic 100-meter race: "It's really scary! Several coal diggers knelt in a row, one with a gun to shoot. They shot without aiming, and the children scared that one away! The rope can't stop! "

19. A foreign tourist visited the orchard and boasted as he walked: "In our country, oranges look like football and banana trees look like iron towers." He tripped over a pile of watermelons. A fruit grower shouted, "Be careful of our grapes!"

20. Being hungry and doing well is called losing weight; Pinch this thing if it is done well, it is called * * *; Being in a daze, doing well is called profound; Being lazy and doing well is called enjoyment; Persistence is called persistence when it is done well.

2 1. Two birds saw a hunter aiming at them. One said, "You protect the scene and I'll call the police!" "

22. Two drunks were driving at a gallop. A: "Be careful! There is a sharp turn ahead. " B: "What? Aren't you driving? "

23. A farmer's daughter was so ugly that he had to let her work as a scarecrow in the corn field to scare crows. As a result, not only did she scare away the crows, but even three crows were scared to send some corn back.

24. "I like to get to the bottom of it since I was a child. I want to be a detective when I grow up. Now I am the editor-in-chief of a newspaper. What about you? "

25. "I like playing since I was a child. When I grow up, my wish is to go shopping with a lot of money. Now I am a bus conductor. "

26. Go home at night and hear crying in the alley. When I got closer, it turned out to be a disheveled woman crying. Asked what happened, the young lady replied, "I was violated by a pervert!" " Me: Are you all right? "The young lady replied," He suddenly grabbed my chest from behind and let me go ... "I said," Why are you crying? " The young lady replied, "because ... that pervert actually said it was unlucky to hug a man." "

27. A gecko strayed into the crocodile pond. When he died, the gecko used his quick wits, hugged the crocodile and shouted, "Mom!" " The crocodile was shocked and immediately burst into tears: "son, you are so thin, don't go to work again!" Take a break. "

28. It is your duty to sleep with your wife; Sleep comfortably and happily with mistresses; Sleeping with classmates is an old love; Sleeping with rich women is to get more money; Sleeping with a young lady is a contribution to foreign aid; Sleeping with widows is the contemporary Lei Feng spirit!

29. The wife asked her husband, "Do you like my tenderness or are you infatuated with my sexy figure?" The husband was embarrassed for a while and replied, "I like your sense of humor!" " ! "

The young lady was taken away by the criminal police for questioning. Miss sophistry: "I just sold two yuan condoms to two hundred yuan!" " "Criminal police asked him angrily," how dare you chicanery! What happened afterwards? The young lady explained, "What happened later?" ... and later taught him how to use it, which belongs to after-sales service. "

3 1. After the tsunami, there was a rotting male corpse floating in the village, and only the lower body could argue! A village woman looked at it and said, "This is not my man, nor the village head, nor the accountant." The village girl looked at it and said, "This is not my brother-in-law, nor is it my brother-in-law!" At this time, a widow came over and touched it and said, "Go home, it's not from our village."

32. My wife and husband went shopping, and the skirt was suddenly blown up by the strong wind! The wife pressed her skirt in panic and shouted, "Oh, my God! Spring leak! " The husband gave her a white look and said, "Please! It's really a dirty laundry! "

33. Cao Cao worships Sun Quan very much and once said, "If you have children, you should be Sun Zhongmou, just my child, bah!" So his son was named Cao Pi. Sun Quan admired Zhuge Liang, so he named his son Sun Liang. Liu Bei has been obsessed with the story of Dexin, so he named his son Liu Chan.

34. Summer is here, and the mother caterpillar is in love. She was afraid that the male caterpillar would not like her body hair, so she pulled it out. After pulling it out, she looked very intoxicated with the smooth skin. She hurried to the tree to show off the male caterpillar. Who knows that the male caterpillar kicked it off the tree: "Dead earthworm, do you still want to seduce me?" ! "

35. Order at noon. Me: "Master, a tomato fried with tomato covers." The ordering chef rushed to the kitchen and shouted, "A tomato fried with tomato cover." The chef put out his head and asked, "Do you want eggs and fried tomatoes to cover the water?" Me: ...

Recently, my wife tried her best to make me quit smoking. Today, I have a meeting at work. During the break, I took out my cigarettes and gave them to the big boss and the second boss. The boss held out his hand. I opened the cigarette case and threw out a handful of melon seeds. I was ... I was shocked.

37. A friend broke up with her boyfriend and asked why. She said: "* * * thinks that the employer's chest is too big, and said that I don't know how many men have touched my chest. If he can't accept it, break up! " Well, this is the most wonderful reason to break up.

It is said that a college girl broke up with her boyfriend and said, "I found another boyfriend in the physical education department. We have been dating for a year, and you have to give me K yuan for youth loss. " Boys are afraid of their "new boyfriend in the sports department" and want to find a way to vent their anger. On the day of payment, both the girl and her new boyfriend were present. The ex-boyfriend brought ten boys, and each boy came over and gave the girl 200 yuan. After three or four months, the girl cried and her new boyfriend broke up.

39. I said to my father, "If you work harder and suffer a little more, I will be a rich second generation now. I will like it every day. It's all your fault. " He thought, "You're right. Let me tell you something. You will suffer from hardship from now on, and your son will be a rich second generation in the future. Enjoy your life, okay? " I am anxious: "Why? ! I suffer hardships and let that boy enjoy it? ! ""Well, that's what I thought. "

40. The Tiger King and the Lion King drank in a bar and then cried bitterly. Then the fox waiter came over and asked, "Why are the two big brothers so sad?" The lion king patted the fox and pointed to the tiger king and said, "There is a tigress in his house and a Hedong lion in my house. Brother, how did you spend your life? " When the fox heard this, he burst into tears and said, "Two big brothers, my fox is not at ease!" " "

appreciate

1. When I was a child, I cried when I was beaten by my mother. My mother said, "Don't cry. Cry again and continue to fight. " Once, my mother hit me again. In order to avoid physical pain, I try not to cry. As a result, my mother said, "I have a stubborn temper." Do you have a temper? " Then beat me to tears.

2. A buddy was driving on a business trip and saw an intersection at the end of the front wall. There was a line on the wall: "From here, get on the national road-",so he drove past. Turned to look again, only to find that the corner came and the word "* * *". ...

I was lying on the sofa eating cucumber slices, and my father was watching TV. I said, "Can you watch something else instead of this war fighter?" Dad glanced at me and said, "Can you still see with cucumbers in your eyes?" I said, "I have an eye. I can see." Dad "Oh" and went to the kitchen to get another cucumber and put my other eye on it.

A company wants a female secretary and a psychologist as staff officers. The question is how much is+? The first answer is equal to; The second answer is equal to; The third answer is equal to or equal to; The psychologist said: "The first woman is practical but conservative; The second is fantasy; The third one is the most suitable. " Then ask the general manager how to decide. The general manager thought for a moment and said, "It's better to wear tights."

A woman walks into a sex shop and wants to buy a * * * stick. The boss said, "It's all on it. Choose for yourself. " After careful selection, the woman said, "I want the red one!" "The boss said at a glance," young lady, that's a fire extinguisher! " "

At the party, someone introduced me to a new friend, saying that he became a millionaire by speculating in stocks. Wow! Awesome! Admire you! I sat next to him and quietly asked him to teach me the secret. He said to me blankly, "Actually, there is no secret ... I used to be a multimillionaire."

7. Bears go up the mountain to exercise every day. A turtle also wants to go up the mountain. The bear said, "well, you put your four legs in the shell, and I will catch up with you." When Xiong Gang went up the mountain, a bird saw it and laughed wildly: "You look like a bear and have a flip phone?" ! "

8. Lao Wang asked Xiao Li why his eyes were swollen. Xiao Li said: "When I was wearing pants this morning, a button in front fell off. I couldn't sew, so I ran to the next door and found a lady to sew it for me."

9. "Oh, my God! She must have thought you had gone too far and punched you! " "No, it isn't! She was very kind, so she took out her needle and thread and sewed it on the spot. I stood and sewed for her, but just as she finished sewing and bit off the thread with her mouth, her husband came in! "

10. Husband: "Dear, I will invite a colleague to dinner tomorrow evening." Wife: "What? ! Are you out of your mind? The house has not been cleaned for a long time, and I haven't been to the supermarket for a long time. I haven't washed 30 dishes at home, and I don't want to go to the kitchen to do something decent! " Husband: "I know, dear." Wife: "Then why did you invite your colleagues to dinner?" Husband: "Because that silly boy is full of thoughts of getting married."

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