What are 30 jokes that make you laugh your teeth off?

0 1 1, the boy sitting behind me is a little sissy, so I called him half man and half woman, and then he said angrily: I'm not half male, I'm all male. ? There was silence around, and then everyone laughed.

A millionaire was told that he was terminally ill, and only the second half of the year was left. He found a killer when he was sad and asked him to kill him when he was happiest. A few days later, the millionaire was told that he was misdiagnosed, laughed happily and was killed by the killer.

Passing by the door of a shopping mall, I heard a dialogue between a MM and the key. Can you give me a key? Key: Sure. Then make me one. After a few seconds of silence. The man with the key looked at MM and asked, Where is the key? I have the key. Why should I ask you for it?

At noon, my sister took the bus with her child in her arms, and the seat was next to the driver. After sitting for a while, the child kept crying, and Ren Jie refused to give up. The driver finally got tired of crying. He turned around and shouted at his sister. What is the old motto for children? Why don't you give him what he wants? Sister said:? That's no good, kid. You want your steering wheel! ?

Before the plane lands, the flight attendants should sign and seal all kinds of articles. But just after signing the drink, a passenger asked for coke, and the flight attendant said to the passenger, we are all closed. ? The guest doesn't understand: I just want a coke, and you're crazy? ?

6. A timid and nervous witness is being questioned by a lawyer. The lawyer snapped:? Have you ever been married? ? Yes, I did it once. ? The witness's voice was low and a little shaky. ? Then who did you marry? ? A woman. ? The lawyer is a little angry. Nonsense, of course you married a woman. Have you ever heard who will marry a man? ? The witness trembled and said, yes, my sister? .

7. Yes, I have a colleague who is like that when she is serious. One day I went out for dinner, went to the store and saw a lot of people. I saw a man sitting on the table, so I went over and said, excuse me. The man looked at him and left silently. After a while, another colleague said, why don't we take a fan, and then we will see him go and tell the man in front to get out of the way. The man was anxious and said, Brother, where shall I sit? I'm here for dinner, too When I came back, I was awesome that day. He said, I thought that man was a waiter.

8. One day, the teacher asked Xiao Ming: 1+ 1 What is it? Xiao Ming said: I don't know. The teacher asked Xiaoming to ask his parents. When Xiao Ming came home, he asked his mother: 1+ 1 = how much? Mother said impatiently, asshole. Xiaoming goes to ask his father: 1+ 1 = What? Dad drank beer and said, cool! Xiao Ming went to ask Grandpa: 1+ 1 = What? Grandpa was watching TV and said, Mafia boss! Xiao Ming went to ask his sister: 1+ 1 = What? Sister is singing the national anthem, saying, get up! Xiao Ming, who doesn't want to be a slave, asks his sister 1+ 1 =? Sister is singing children's songs and says, Tutu, open the door. The next day, the teacher asked Xiao Ming: 1+ 1 What is it? Xiao Ming said: bastard. The teacher slapped Xiao Ming, and Xiao Ming said, cool! The teacher said: Who taught you? Xiao Ming said: Mafia boss! The teacher was very angry and asked Xiaoming to sit down. Xiao Ming said: Get up! The teacher who doesn't want to be a slave is even more angry and asks Xiaoming to stand outside the door. Xiao Ming said, Little Rabbit, be a good boy and open the door.

9. Classmate Jiang Gan signed up for the lecture and introduced herself first. I was nervous when I first came on stage. My name is Ganjiang. Sweet, sweet, uh, no, sugar cane. The black line on the forehead of the younger brother hosted by sugarcane. This classmate stepped down first to calm down. ? I am famous! ? Why don't you go back and calm down for a while? Am I really famous? Brother Shi violence:? Call again at dawn! ?

10, a buddy sleeps in the upper bunk in junior high school. One night, all the students in our class were having a nap, but this guy fell asleep. Suddenly heard? Burst? With a cry, the buddy fell from the upper berth, and one of my classmates quickly got out of bed and turned on the light. At this moment, the funniest thing came, and I heard the elder brother's weak cry? Mom, can you turn on the light? ! At that time, we had all kinds of funny jokes.

One day, a classmate in our class recited an ancient poem. Plant 10,000 seeds in spring and harvest a millet in autumn. I feel dizzy, the whole class is limp and sweaty!

12. If my son wants to recite ancient poems for me after school, I will encourage him to come. When I asked your students under a pine tree, "my teacher," he replied, "went to pick herbs." Dead on this mountain, how do I know, through all these clouds? . Haha, you didn't even find the body?

13, a student participated in the school recitation competition for the first time and was particularly nervous. The teacher encouraged him for a long time, but his palms were still sweating. It's finally her turn. The student gritted his teeth and took a few steps to the center of the stage. Teachers and students, the topic I recited was: Red leaves are crazy (maple leaves).

14, men in the new century: sleeping on the floor, living in the corridor, kneeling on the motherboard, mending clothes, eating leftovers, paying prescriptions, taking care of children, raising girls, enduring loneliness and keeping empty rooms!

15, in the subway, I saw a beautiful woman around me take out an iPhone, then a young artist took out an iPhone, and a business man took a silent look and took out an ipad. At this time, I smiled ghostly, took out my Nokia and smashed a walnut in the aisle, so the whole scene was hold by me.

16, doctor, I feel a lot of pressure sometimes. When is it usually? ? When cooking. ? ,? Oh, what's your name? ? ,? Pressure cooker?

17, whoever dares to bully me in the future will write your names on the insoles and trample you to death every day.

18, it is said that the Tang priest came to the foot of Wuzhishan. Wukong:? Help me, master! Help me! ? Tang Priest:? I saved you for the teacher. How can you repay me? ? Wukong:? The apprentice will send you to the west! ?

19, mom doesn't have to worry about my study anymore. She holds a BBK lighter in one hand and a textbook in the other. It's so easy!

What I saw on TV said that nutritionists said that you should eat fruits and vegetables first, then the staple food, and finally the meat. Because fruits and vegetables are digested fastest, followed by starch, and protein is the slowest. I think it makes sense. After eating a bowl of noodles, I found that my beloved roast duck could not eat any more? What nutritionist! You liar!

2 1, Lao Wang and his wife are both operators. One day, they quarreled and Lao Wang slammed the door and left. In the evening, my wife dialed Lao Wang's mobile phone. Lao Wang said grumpily:? Hello! This is the departure service hotline. Bow your head and admit your mistake, please press1; Resolutely divorce, please press 2; If you want to hit someone, this service desk will transfer you to 1 10. ? The wife hung up the phone angrily. Late at night, Lao Wang came home and found the door locked. He had to call his wife's mobile phone and only heard her say in a fake voice. Hello! This is? Who's afraid of who? Service hotline. If you want to go home, please kneel on the washboard; If you want a divorce, please kneel on the nail board; If you feel unwell, the service desk will transfer you to 120. ?

22, the hospital to prevent patients from fleeing the periphery 100 fence. Two mental patients still want to escape from the hospital. So I try to climb over the wall at night. Turn to the thirtieth wall. ? Tired? ? Not tired. ? So the two continued to turn outwards. Turn under the 60th wall. ? Are you tired? ? Not tired. ? So the two continued to turn outward and turned to the 99 th wall. ? Are you tired? ? Tired! ? Okay, shall we turn it back?

23. congratulations Has been admitted to the shameless class of toad department of United nations frog university! Please take bus No.514 with a mental illness certificate and get off at Benlu Benjie. Please stand at the school gate and giggle when you sign up!

24. If someone bullies you, tell your sister that I hit him with four limbs, seven joints, a color screen on his face, a straight nose, a head shock and a twisted front tooth.

It is said that when there is a meteor in the sky that day, it is very clever to make a wish. I made a wish on a meteor that day, hoping you would be smarter. Shit! Guess what? The meteor flew back the same way!

26. During the Spring and Autumn Period and the Warring States Period, you were the commander in chief, wearing a pot cover, carrying a sack, carrying a plastic bag around your waist, holding a pot cover in your hand, and standing on two Chinese cabbages, shouting: Harvest! Shit! Rotten!

27. Do not study; It's too difficult! Make tofu! Tofu is the safest; The hard thing to do is dried tofu! Thin is tofu brain! Thin is tofu skin! Or soy milk! If it can't be sold, it can also be used as stinky tofu!

28. Today, a man and a woman collided on the bus. The fashionable girl turned around and said, What is wrong with you? ? The man felt puzzled and immediately replied:? Do you have any medicine? ? The people in the car snickered! The woman felt very angry and answered:? Are you mentally ill? ? The man said coldly: Can it be cured? ? The whole car is hilarious! The bus driver stopped to lie on the steering wheel and laugh!

29. A puppy climbed onto the dining table and rubbed against a roast chicken. The shopkeeper was furious and said, I'll do whatever you dare to do to that roast chicken. The dog licked the chicken's ass. The master fainted. The puppy said happily, look who's good!

30. A rich man's wallet is like a flower. Every time you open it, it makes people smile. A poor man's wallet is like an onion. Every time you open it, it makes people cry!