2020 latest hilarious jokes

Once upon a time there was a man who had a girlfriend. He loves her more than anyone in the world.

But one day, his girlfriend left him mercilessly without even giving him a reason.

Watching his girlfriend go shopping arm in arm, he was in great pain and lost his mind. Finally one day he killed his girlfriend.

He was going to kill her and then kill himself. But when I was dying, I felt the value of life.

Since then, he has been haunted by nightmares every day. In the dream, his girlfriend was naked, with long hair fluttering, red tongue hanging down and fingers hooked to kill him.

Nightmares tormented him like needles, and one day he found a Taoist priest and begged to get rid of him.

The Taoist asked him to do three things.

First, give his girlfriend a good burial.

Second, burn the pajamas that his girlfriend wore before her death.

Third, wash away the hidden bloody clothes.

Everything must be finished before midnight, or you will be killed!

He did everything carefully according to the orders of the Taoist priest, but he couldn't find the bloody coat.

It's almost midnight. Beads of sweat dripped from his face and wet the carpet.

He found the bloody clothes in the middle of the night, but no matter how he wiped them, he couldn't wash them off.

At this time, there was a sudden strong wind, lightning and thunder. The window was shaken from side to side by the strong wind, and the sound of broken glass made people even more jumpy. Suddenly all the lights went out and the whole room was dark.

In the lightning, I saw his girlfriend wearing bloody pajamas, with blood dripping from her eyes, pointing at him with a ferocious face and a harsh voice: "Do you know why the blood can't be washed away?"

He was too scared to say a word.

The girlfriend continued: "Because you are useless to Diao brand washing powder, idiot."

(2) Meet a female ghost at night

It was already deep at night, and a taxi driver decided to take another passenger home, but there were not many people on the road.

The driver drove aimlessly and found a white shadow shaking in front and waving to him. There are people in the silent night, and this situation has to remind people of something they don't want to think of, that is, ghosts! ! !

But in the end, the driver decided to give her a hand. The man got on the bus and said in a sad hoarse voice, "Please go to the crematorium." The driver trembled with excitement. Is she really ... he can't think down, and he dare not think down. He regrets it, but now he must send her to her destination as soon as possible.

The woman's face is comely and pale, and she has nothing to say all the way, which makes people feel creepy. The driver really can't go on. When he was almost where she was going, he made an excuse and stammered, "Miss, I'm sorry. It's hard to turn back ahead. Go by yourself. It is already very close. " The woman nodded and asked, "How much is that?" The driver quickly said, "Forget it, forget it,

It is not easy for you, a woman, to come here so late. Forget it! ""How dare you? " "That's it!" The driver insisted.

Women can't help it. "Well, thank you!" Say that finish, opened the door. ...

The driver turned to start the car, but he didn't hear the door closing, so he turned around ... how did that woman disappear so quickly? He looked and sat down, no! There is nothing in the front, back, left and right of the car! Did she just disappear?

The driver's curiosity made him think about it. He got out of the car and came to the open door. "That woman walked so fast, or did she just ..." He was about to collapse and was about to leave here when a bloody hand patted him on the shoulder. He looked back, and the woman stood in front of him, her face covered with blood, and she spoke.

"master! Please don't stop at the ditch next time you stop ... "

(3) There are two people.

In a remote village, there is a straight telephone pole on a narrow path. Strange to say, people often have accidents there. Soon a man and a woman were accidentally knocked down by a bicycle and died on the spot. One night, five-year-old Xiao Zhi and her mother passed by on their way home. Xiao Zhi suddenly said, "Mom, there are two people on the telephone pole." Mother took his hand and walked away quickly, saying, "Don't talk nonsense, children!" " "But it soon spread. One day, a reporter came to interview Xiao Zhi and asked him to take him to see the place where the car accident happened. Xiao Zhi generously led him, and the reporter asked, "Where is it?" Xiao Zhi pointed, and the reporter looked up and saw a sign hanging on the telephone pole.

& lt/CC & gt； Ten funny ghost stories in history

It says: everyone is responsible for traffic safety.

(4) three ghosts complain

One day when they were shopping, they met God! They told God that they all died miserably and hoped to send them to heaven! God said helplessly, there are too many residents in the sky now, and they are all full. But there's another place! You said, whoever dies the worst will go to heaven!

So, the first ghost began to say ... I was a cleaner before I died. Work is very hard! Busy from morning till night! One day, I was cleaning windows outside a building! It's the kind of dangerous work hanging outside at high altitude! On the 30th floor! Suddenly, my foot slipped and fell! I think it's over! I'm dying! But the survival instinct makes me scratch unconsciously! Luckily, I grabbed the railing of a balcony on 13 floor. I feel saved! So I want to climb up after I recover!

Who knows, suddenly someone patted my hand and I fell down again! I think I'm really finished now! However, my life should not be decided, and a tent caught me below. I am glad that I must have accumulated virtue in my last life! I want to wait for my physical strength to recover before I go down. Who knows, a refrigerator fell from it and killed me!

The second ghost said ... I was a clerk before I died. Everything is fine. I have a beautiful wife. Great figure! But it's just a little water. I have a slight heart attack. One day I forgot to bring my medicine to work, so I went home to get it. As soon as I entered the door, I saw my wife's hair disheveled and disheveled. There must be an adulterer. So I looked everywhere in the house, kitchen and toilet, but I couldn't find it. When I got to the balcony, I found two hands on the railing and thought: adulterer! So he patted his hand. I think, 13 floor! See if I can fall to my death!

As a result, I didn't die when I looked at it! Caught by the tent! I was in a hurry, so I searched all over the house and went into the kitchen. I found that the refrigerator was big enough and threw it away. Finally smashed him to death! I'm so happy! Laughing a lot. Who knows, laughing so hard, laughing so hard!

The third ghost said ... I'm a punk, but I didn't do anything wrong! One day I went to a female friend's house to hang out! Just finished, her husband suddenly came back! I have to find a place to hide. So I searched the kitchen and toilet, and finally found that their refrigerator was quite big, so I hid in it! I don't understand how her husband knew I was in the refrigerator and threw it from the 13 floor!

I just fell to my death in my refrigerator!

(5) The toilet is haunted

Chu Yang wants to visit the countryside. When chatting with relatives, relatives told him that there was a ghost in the toilet here. But if you don't accept ghosts, ghosts won't hurt you. May be the cause of acclimatization, at night, Chu Yangxiang's stomach hurts like hell. There is really no way, so Chu Yang has to go to the toilet in fear. ChuYangGang to squat down, then hear the sound of the ghost:

"Red toilet paper or white toilet paper?"

Knowing that ghosts are unacceptable, Chu Yang replied, "I always use newspapers."

It seems that Chu Yangxiang has dysentery. After a while, Chu Yangxiang ran to the toilet again, but this time, he was no longer afraid.

Ghost see ChuYang backward, held out his hand and said:

"Youth Daily or Central Daily?"

"I always use sports newspapers."

In the evening, Chu Yang went to the toilet for the third time.

"Youth sports or central sports?" Asked the ghost.

"... I ... I just want to pee. "

(6) Ghost mobile phone

I used to call, but I didn't press the number like this. I inserted my finger into a perforated disk and dialed it.

Once upon a time ......

Xiaoming's home phone number is 444-4444, and strange calls often come in. .....

One night at midnight 12, the phone rang and Xiao Ming picked up the receiver.

The other end of the phone said in a sad voice, "Is this 444-4444?" Can you call 1 19 for me? I am so miserable! .......」

Xiao Ming: "Go find someone else to help you, not me!" " ! 」

The man said, "I can only call 444-4444, not others." 」

Xiao Ming was scared to death and hung up the phone quickly.

You can only call 444-4444? Is it a ghost? ! !

After a while, the phone rang again, and Xiao Ming was afraid to answer it.

& lt/CC & gt； But the phone kept ringing ... Xiaoming had to pick it up.

Man: "Excuse me, is this 444-4444? Can you call 1 19 for me? I am so miserable!

.............., my finger is stuck in the telephone dial! 」

Top ten funny ghost stories in history.

damned

Two men walked home after a Halloween costume party. ..

When they passed a cemetery,

On a whim, I want to go through this cemetery.

When they were halfway through, they were frightened by the sound of drumming.

The sound came from somewhere in the dark, and they trembled with fear.

Then they found an old man chiseling a tombstone with a chisel.

One of them said, "My God, sir, we thought you were a ghost. What are you doing here so late? "

The old man scolded: TMD, they spelled my name wrong! ! ! ! "

(8) Jack-o 'lantern

On a dark night, a man drove through a graveyard at night. The breeze blew, and the surrounding sounds rustled, making people feel creepy and numb. Just then, he suddenly found a little red light flashing in the distance.

His first thought was "jack-o'-lantern". So he carefully picked up a stone and threw it at the lamp. I saw flames swaying behind another grave. What is even more frightening is that he picked up a stone and threw it at the fire, only to see the light fly to another grave.

At this point, he is close to collapse. So he picked up another stone and threw it at the lamp. At this moment, I heard a voice from behind the grave: "Shit, who is it?" Shit is not fun. A pack of cigarettes cut me three times. "

(9) Dolls

There is a taxi driver who works in a taxi company. One night, he was driving through a very desolate place, surrounded by darkness; Suddenly I saw a building on the wasteland ahead, with dim lights on. He wants to know when such a building was built here. He saw a young lady beckoning him to take the car home. After the young lady got on the bus, he closed the door and started driving. After a while, he felt very strange. Miss, why don't you talk? As a result, he looked in the mirror and saw that there was no miss, only a doll sitting there. Scared to death, he grabbed the doll and threw it out of the window. After returning home, he was seriously ill.

...

...

...

...

...

After his illness, he returned to work in a taxi company. As a result, his colleague said to him, "You are really boring. A beautiful lady came to complain that she wanted to take your car last time. As a result, she just threw the doll in, and you closed the door and drove away.

(10) On a dark and windy night, on the longest ... most terrible road. ...

The taxi driver drove there. ...

A woman beckoned to get on the bus by the roadside. ...

Well ... it was quiet all the way. ...

Until the woman spoke. ...

She said, "The apple is for you ... It's delicious ..."

The driver thought it was great ... and took it ...

Then I took a bite. ...

The woman asked, "Is it delicious?"

The driver said, "Delicious!"

The woman replied, "I liked apples very much before my death ..."

Wow ...&; * $ # @ ... Hearing this, the driver suddenly braked with fear and turned white. ...

I saw that woman slowly turn her head forward, ....................................................................................................................................................................

Want to know what she said? ………………………………………………

"... but I don't like it after giving birth! ... 1. went to save money at noon. When I was waiting in line, a beautiful woman asked me at the back, "Do you save money?" "Yes!" "I just want to withdraw money. Anyway, if you want to deposit it, you might as well give it to me without waiting in line. "I think it makes sense, so I gave her the money.

2. Get on the bus in the afternoon, take out the bus card and bump into the slot.

One day, I found that my mobile phone was missing. I searched my bag and every corner of the house, but it didn't work. I sat on the ground depressed, took out my mobile phone from my pocket and sent a short message to everyone: I lost my mobile phone.

My neighbor forgot his key, turned it over from my balcony, found the key in the house, turned it back, and opened his door. What's even more amazing is that I met on the balcony from beginning to end and didn't feel anything wrong. Well, our heads must have passed through the same door.

I remember the first time I confessed to a girl, I was so nervous that I said, "Well, that, XX, I'll be your girlfriend."

6. A few days ago at work, a young colleague asked for a bottle of big Sprite, poured it around for everyone, and the bottle was empty when it was his turn. So my colleague shook the Sprite bottle and said to the waiter, "Is this still available?" The waiter ran over, took the bottle and examined it carefully. He said sincerely, "No more."

7. Have dinner with two enthusiastic female colleagues in the company (plump type), who have arranged for me to be introduced.

I want to say: you two matchmakers are really enthusiastic.

As a result, I opened my mouth: you two fat women. .....

8. Boys play Warcraft. The counselor rounds the room, furious, grabs the mouse, drags the desktop shortcut of Warcraft into the recycle bin, empties it, and says, let you play again!

9. Today, my dad called my mom's cell phone, and my mom was busy, so I answered it.

Me: Hello.

Dad: Well, where is your dad?

Me: Huh?

Dad: What is your father doing?

Me: Hmm. . . make a telephone call

Dad: Oh, please ask him to call me back when he is finished.

10. Once everyone was playing mahjong, and the power went out, so they lit candles and continued to play. Later, someone was too hot and shouted "Hey ~ turn on the electric fan". Everyone quickly advised, "No, no, the candle will be blown out.

1 1. I like this pair of gloves. The boss wanted 35 yuan, and I said I'd take 30 yuan. The boss insisted on 35 yuan and refused to give in after several rounds of talks. I thought about it and gave one to 50 yuan. He quickly gave me 35 yuan. . . .

12. A topic requires connecting the following four sentences with related words:

1, sister Zhang Haidi is paralyzed;

2. Sister Zhang Haidi studied tenaciously;

3. Sister Zhang Haidi learned a lot of foreign languages;

4. Sister Zhang Haidi studied acupuncture.

The correct answer should be: "Sister Zhang Haidi, although paralyzed, studied hard and learned not only many foreign languages, but also acupuncture.

As a result, one child wrote: Sister Zhang Haidi was paralyzed despite her tenacious study of acupuncture and many foreign languages.

I found a more fierce child writing: Sister Zhang Haidi not only learned a foreign language, but also learned acupuncture. She studied so doggedly that she was finally paralyzed!

13. When cooking at noon, my mother gave me a pot of carrots: "Go, cut the carrots into diced meat!" "

14. My name is Zhu, and I am in the computer room of the management unit. Someone once called my mobile phone: "Sir Chicken, are you in the pigsty?" I was yelling at that guy.

15. A leader led everyone to drink, raised his glass and shouted, "Let's die together!"

All (...)

16. I remember once buying a fruit called Elizabeth. I opened my mouth and said, boss, how much is Shakespeare? The boss froze on the spot.

17. Rice noodle store

Boss, have some onions instead of rice noodles.

Boss (...)

Someone (looking for a seat to add back): No onions!

Boss (tears streaming down her face): Do you want rice noodles or onions?

18. Once I went to the market to buy food for dinner, a Korean friend bought lettuce from 2.4 yuan. He gave all the change to the vendor, and he was still short of a dime, so he said to the vendor-

"I gave you all my hair, so I have no hair."

The peddler was speechless, and it took him a long time to answer-

I don't want your hair.

19. I once chatted while eating in the canteen, and suddenly found myself dropping a grain of rice outside, secretly feeling sorry for the farmer's uncle's waste of food, so I picked it up and ate it. But then I found out that this meal didn't seem to be mine. ...

20. Xiao Qiang made a speech at the rally, and the following people were all ears.

Xiao Qiang said, "I hate two kinds of people the most! One is racist, one is black and the third is illiterate! "

The people below were sweating like a pig. . .

2 1. After swimming yesterday, open the trunk, throw the key in, and then close the trunk. ...

22. Go to a good friend's house to chat. When her father came back, he began to call her "Aunt". Embarrassed, her mother appeared again, opened her mouth and called her "uncle" ... and then she doubted her IQ infinitely.

23. Once I went to buy Regan Noodles, there was a couple in front of me. The boss asked them if they wanted coriander. The man said no and the woman said why not.

I was thinking, "Coriander, why do men want coriander and women don't want coriander ..."

I was lost in thought, and the boss asked me, what to eat? I answered loudly without hesitation: "Coriander! ! ! "

24. When I was in high school, I got up early. My mother made me a schoolbag and took it to school early. Usually steamed bread. My mother cooked porridge when there was no class on Sunday. I don't know what happened to me. I picked up the porridge and threw it in my schoolbag. ...

25. One day, when talking about the large number of people buying roast duck, her old man said without thinking, "At the end of work, there were a lot of people buying roast duck, and I saw the roast duck queuing in front of that window."

26. Call the Finance Department to find a Zhou Chunmei.

I picked up the phone, very excited: I am Zhou Chunmei. . . =_=|||

Zhou Chunmei: You are Zhou Chunmei, so who am I? . .

27. Once I had breakfast at school, a classmate swiped my card in front of me, but the machine didn't respond. I said gloomily that the machine was broken. I said, let me try. The machine really didn't respond after swiping the card! He changed another one, still the same, very angry! I just wanted to put the card in my bag and found a bank card in my hand. I laugh wildly! He pointed at me and laughed even harder, so I took my ID card!

28. When I was in college, one year when school started, people in the fifth dormitory called the dormitory of the railway station to see if there was anyone, and asked people in the fourth dormitory to pick me up.

"Hello, Old Four, is my property and dormitory occupied?"

Old four dozed off in a daze: "Ah, old five, you have the wrong number. This is Jiaogan (next to the school). "

"Oh, sorry, wrong number."

After a while, Lao Wu looked at the number dialed by his mobile phone and thought it was right. He called back.

"You old four, fool me, is there anyone in the dormitory?"

"no"

"Oh, then I'll stay at a friend's house tonight."

"Ok, see you tomorrow."

29. In the morning, a plastic bag in the left hand is full of snacks, and a plastic bag in the right hand is garbage. I opened the trash can in the morning and threw a bag with a bang. Then I went to the company with another Shi Shiran. I was hungry at noon and wanted to eat snacks. I opened the cupboard and found a bag of garbage inside.

30. I took the subway into the gate, brushed my mobile phone on the gate, and kept telling the people waiting for me why I couldn't brush it out. The machine is broken. . . Sweating. . .