A joke about two new recruits going to war.

The officer is testing the new soldier: "If you stand guard in the dark night and someone suddenly hugs you from behind, what should you say?" A soldier replied, "honey, let me go."

Leadership is blacker

A leader went to the training ground to visit his subordinates for training, and everyone lined up to welcome him. The leader felt something and shouted, "Hello, comrades!" "Good start!" "comrades have worked hard", "serving the people", "comrades are tanned" and "leaders are darker"

woman spy

Beautiful Egyptian female spy, returning from Israel, reported to Cairo headquarters. "I got the latest attack plan of General Dai Yang, which was stolen from his desk. Not only that, I also caught his son. . . ""Great! " The Egyptian general shouted, "Where is it? We will interrogate him immediately. " "no!" The female spy said, "It will take 10 months!"

Recruit training

A group of recruits are practicing. The monitor ordered, "Lift your left leg and stretch forward!" A soldier stretched out his right leg because of nervousness, and ended up hitting the left leg of the soldier next to him. The monitor was very angry and shouted, "Which idiot has both legs up?"

practise

The beautiful guide showed a group around the military camp. Suddenly a group of soldiers next to her fired a row of guns, and the young lady threw herself into the arms of the accompanying company commander. The tour guide quickly blushed and said, "I'm sorry, I was scared by your gunshots." The company commander said, "It doesn't matter. Do you want to watch an artillery exercise? "

After the recruits fell,

Last year, I organized recruits to play football. A dignified and strong man performed well, dodging three defenders in a row and avoiding the goalkeeper. When I was shouting goals, I thought I would perform a hat trick this time. Who knows that he suddenly tripped the ball with his foot and stood at attention: "Comrade Company Commander, the ball is brought. Please indicate whether to shoot! "

Professional habit

When the officer reviewed the recruits, he had doubts about the arrangement of the team. He asked the attendant, "Why do you put the tall man in the first row and the middle one in the second row?" . Is the short man in the last row? ""report, sir! " The officer on duty stood at attention and reported, "Because I put a fruit stand before I joined the army. "

Stop. Do not move!

A reckless and outspoken sergeant received news that the grandfather of one of his soldiers had died. When he called the roll, he said gruffly to the soldiers, "Hey! ! Your grandfather is dead! " Hearing this, the soldier fainted on the spot.

A week later, another soldier's grandmother died. The sergeant called his men together and said to the soldier in public, "Your grandmother died last night!" " The soldier cried when he heard this! Later, someone complained to the colonel that the petty officer was heartless. The colonel warned him: In the future, there will be funerals in the subordinates' homes, so you should inform them politely.

A week later, the sergeant was told that one of his soldiers had just lost his grandmother. He remembered the colonel's words, summoned all the soldiers and announced: Anyone whose grandmother is still alive, step forward. ...

The sergeant pointed to a soldier: Hello! ! You stay there!

No comparison.

The warship is about to leave. A lady is saying goodbye to her husband. At this time, when she saw a sailor's dog running around on a warship, she complained to the captain unhappily, "It's outrageous. Dogs can go to warships, but wives can't go to warships to accompany their husbands. " The captain smiled and explained, "Oh, it's different. Anyone can touch the puppy except the owner. Can you do it? "

Negotiation result

Once upon a time, a military attache caught a deserter when he was in charge of fighting. He was furious and wrote a handwritten note: punish with a stick. Who knows that the word "death" can't be written, and I want to use an army stick instead, but the word "stick" is not easy to write. Finally, I had to say to the deserters, "Go! Today is cheaper for you. "

Pickle delivery

A soldier about to serve in the military, afraid that people would gossip when his wife gave birth to a child after he went out, said to his pregnant wife before he left, "Dear, if you give birth, send me a telegram saying' Kimchi has been delivered', but don't say you gave birth."

A few months later, the soldier received a telegram from his wife: "Two plates of pickles and one plate of sausage."

natural instinct

A military region once held a track and field meeting. At this time, on the runway, the morale of five people on the runway is preparing to participate in the 100 meter race. Just waiting for the referee to shoot. There was only one shot, and guess what? All five soldiers raised their hands and shouted, "don't shoot, I surrender!" ! "

Bad shooter

A recruit fired dozens of bullets, but none of them hit. Angry instructor cursed: "Idiot, stop hitting, just go to the Woods and kill yourself!" " "Recruits into the woods, and soon there was a gunshot. The instructor was startled, only to see the recruits running quickly, standing at attention, saluting and saying, "Tell the instructor that I just shot myself and missed. "

set an example

In the live-fire shooting training, a soldier missed the target several times in a row. The instructor angrily grabbed the soldier's gun and said with an expression, "Idiot! Look at me. " He aimed at shooting, but the bullet flew out of the target. He turned to the soldier angrily and shouted, "Look, that's how you shot!" " "

"If this is a bomb"

A navy general was walking on the boat. In order to test the adaptability of the new recruits on duty in an emergency, he said to the soldiers on duty: "duty officer!" " He casually took off his hat on the deck and said, "What should you do if this is a bomb?"

The soldier on duty looked at it and kicked the military cap embroidered with gold thread into the sea without saying anything.

No head fat

The chief inspected the troops and came to Silian pigsty. The 30 pigs in the pen are attractive, with smooth heads and strong bodies. When the chief saw it, he sighed and asked loudly, "Who is the keeper?"

"Report chief, I am!" The soldier in apron stood at attention and answered.

"Pigs are well raised and their heads are fat!" The officer praised the soldiers and said.

"I didn't raise it well, I didn't have a fat head!" In the face of praise, the soldier didn't know what to say for a moment, so he made an inappropriate remark in a panic.

"Well, I can't talk." The head who accompanied the head of the delegation was afraid that he could not attend, so he quickly added. Unexpectedly, I suddenly raised my hand to salute in the war, and I officially replied: "Yes! The head can't talk. "

It's already done.

A company commander (Zhuang people) speaks Mandarin with a strong accent. He always reads it and works hard. He and the instructor in the company are good friends.

One day, the instructor's girlfriend came. After the company commander knew it, he said to the instructor, "I heard that your girlfriend has come and hasn't done it yet." Can you make it for me? " So the instructor brought his girlfriend. The company commander saw it last night. "Oh, is that her? I watched it last night. " The company commander smiled and said to the instructor.

Instructor: "..."

Misclick

It is stipulated that a son should keep a diary every day and check his diary at night. One day, after checking his diary, he was furious with his son's mother. The wife was puzzled and said to her husband, "There is evidence to check!" He slapped his son's diary and spread it out on the table. On it, he wrote: "Uncle Wang came to my house to play today. After I finished my homework, my uncle praised me for doing well. My uncle kissed my mother and kissed me. " The wife was furious and scolded the children. The children are crying:

"I made a punctuation mistake .. my uncle should have kissed me, and my mother kissed me."

Miss Xie left it at home.

One day, Staff Zhang paged Staff Li and left a message saying, "Little Jiefang (car) is at home, so I can use it." In the afternoon, Staff Li showed the pager to Staff Zhang: "Miss, I am at home."

The story of the little squirrel

It is said that the enemy and I are at war. We made an ambush plan in advance and then attacked the enemy by surprise. The leader ordered that no matter what happened, no noise should be made. However, a soldier shouted at the most critical moment, which led to the failure of the war. The director was furious and called him to the front for questioning.

The director said, "Why are you calling? ! "

The soldier replied, "At first, a caterpillar crawled into my pants. My heart itched, but I held back. " . Later, a little squirrel approached, which made me itch more, but I held back.

Finally, the little squirrel said something I couldn't hold back. . . "

"Say what?" The director asked.

"The little squirrel said, Eat this long one first and keep two round ones for the winter!"

Hang it in the wrong place

There is a country that often cannot provide soldiers with the best equipment because of lack of funds. One day, the general of this country came to inspect the equipment on a whim. The local battalion commander is quite nervous. He immediately rummaged through all the equipment and took it out, but all the clothes were still not enough for the soldiers to wear. The battalion commander lost his job for fear of being investigated. It suddenly occurred to him that the general was nearsighted, so he ordered all the soldiers to take off their clothes and paint camouflage in an attempt to get away with it.

Later, the general came and was very happy to see that everyone's clothes were neat. When the battalion commander was complacent, he heard the general ask, "battalion commander, why did your grenade hang in the wrong place?" "It's not all hanging on the left, but it's all hanging in the middle."

Attack them from behind.

The soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a mine in the battle? The company commander was greatly annoyed: Shit, what can I do? Pay the price for stepping on it. The officer asked the soldiers, "why did you run back when you saw the enemy?" I can't say why, so I'll shoot you. "

The soldiers replied, "You know the earth is round, so we have to run behind the enemy and attack them."

habit

He was transferred to the swat team as soon as he joined the army. I am very happy. After more than a year of training day and night, I can finally go home and have a look. When I got off the train and hurried home with my luggage, I suddenly heard someone shout, "lie down!" " "Throw away the luggage at once and throw yourself on the ground. This is the standard. After a while, I turned around and saw a young girl dragging a pug and smiling at me.

Make a fuss about trifles.

An artillery unit is training new recruits. A recruit fired a shot, but the shell missed the target and flew into a nearby vegetable field. Only one person fell with a bang. The company commander shouted that it was not good and rushed over with the people.

I saw the man get up slowly and burst into tears.

The company commander said, "You should be glad that you were not killed. Why are you crying? " ?

The man cried and said, "I just stole two cabbages." Are you going to shell me? "

cold current

Before Sino-Soviet relations deteriorated, Sino-Soviet relations were very close. I was in the army at that time, and the company commander Zhang Hu was a brave general, but his education was too low. Once, the superior reported that the Siberian cold current was coming and made all kinds of preparations in advance. So, Zhang Lianchang called all the soldiers to a meeting: "Comrades, the cold current comrades in Siberia are coming. Everyone should take action, clean up and entertain warmly. " I spit #% #! ! ! ! #!

Not allowed to laugh

"Sir, enemy planes are taking pictures of us." The officer said, "give me an order: no one laughs!" " "

I am a female soldier.

One day, a sentry on guard saw the commander enter the door and immediately raised his hand to salute. The commander saw it and thought the soldier was very pleasing to the eye. He went over and patted the soldier on the chest and said, "Is the young man very good? You are handsome and in good shape. Your chest muscles are also well developed. Work hard and have a future! " The soldier was startled by the sudden praise and immediately raised his hand to salute and said, "Report to the chief, I am a female soldier!" " "

The airport is more beautiful.

At the party, a beautiful girl hung a model airplane pendant on her chest. An air force officer praised this and stared at it. The girl was a little embarrassed and asked him, "Do you think my little plane looks good?" "The small plane is really beautiful, but the airport is more beautiful!"

Seriously injured

In the fierce battlefield, a female soldier was confused and met other troops. One of the female soldiers caught up with Alex and wore pants. The male hygienist reported that she was injured, but the female soldier insisted that she was not, and the platoon leader ordered compulsory dressing. The military doctor forcibly took off her pants and was surprised. "Report platoon leader, he was badly hurt, the guy in the middle was blown up, and there was such a deep hole. He also said nothing. He is really a hero.

Long-term relationship

The story happened on a hot summer day. A female high school student in her twenties waited for a long time for the bus, and finally saw a long-awaited No.28 bus coming slowly.

I want to say that I am finally free. Unexpectedly, as soon as she got on the bus, she found that the bus was full, so she immediately went to the front of a soldier's eldest brother and stood there, expecting the soldier's eldest brother to bravely give up his seat.

In fact, since the girl approached him slowly, the soldier's eldest brother saw through the girl's tricks. I thought to myself, "I'm kidding. This Obasan is better than me. He wants me to give up my seat! ? No way! !

So he immediately had a brainwave and decided to use the trick of "pretending to sleep".

Alas, the weather is so hot and human feelings are so weak that female high school students have to take out white handkerchiefs to wipe their sweat.

Unexpectedly, just as I was about to clean it, a gust of wind suddenly poured in from the window.

The white handkerchief was blown by the wind and landed right on the trousers of the sleeping soldier. Ah, this is embarrassing. It is always difficult for men and women not to kiss. Anyway, a girl who looks like Obasan 16 thought she was a memoir of a pure geisha! It happened that Brother Pig had slept so hard again that he didn't feel anything at all. So the girl thought of a way. She asked his friend sitting next to the soldier's eldest brother to wake him up and let the soldier's eldest brother pick it up and return it to her.

It is said that the soldier brother who pretended to be asleep may be dizzy from the heat, but he actually fell asleep, so the confused lake was awakened by his friends, and he looked down in a daze and saw the white things on the pants stand in a daze. Oh, my God! How did underwear come out! !

Put it in so soon. ...