How can a husband and wife quarrel without hurting their feelings? How can they quarrel without hurting their feelings?

1. How did the misunderstanding happen? We only said one tenth of what we said.

The biggest difference between children and adults is that children lack the process of "internal processing". They look "transparent" and you can easily understand their thoughts. Because at that time, we had not fully formed our own boundaries.

The so-called "boundary" means that we have our own independent thoughts and feelings, but these inner parts don't have to be shared with others. This means the formation of a person.

In other words, we are all beginning to have experience and can judge the meaning of other people's words independently. We have a standard to measure what others say means to us. This is the so-called "eye price" or "ability to read and see colors", which is the future "mind reading".

Now these books are best sellers, which shows that we need to constantly improve our ability to read between the lines of each other. But interestingly, we all seem to be interested in how to get each other's ideas, but not so interested in letting each other know what they think.

When we have a good relationship, we often think that the other person is completely consistent with ourselves. Needless to say, my idea is that the other party will know and even hope that two people can always understand each other.

But in fact, people do not have any special functions. We may have a tacit understanding for a while, and we have a self-evident ability, but later life will prove to you that this ability is very limited in mutual understanding, because men and women in love are very different from men and women in marriage, and there is no cheating problem, just as the boss you see at work is different from the boss you see at home, and the meaning is the same.

Because men and women in an emotional state are a kind of enjoyment, to some extent, they put a lot of beautiful things together and put other unsightly parts out of sight, so this understanding is only half of understanding, and their identities are different. There will be many specific things in marriage that we need to solve together.

We changed from passengers of Ross and Jack on Titanic to captains. The change of roles requires us to adjust the way we get along with each other.

Before marriage, yours is mine and mine is mine; After marriage: yours is not mine, and mine is not yours.

The limitation of language is that we often speak on multiple levels.

For example, the following conversation:

"Honey, did you help me clean the room?" "No, I forgot. I'll do it tomorrow. " "How many tomorrows did you say? You don't care at all. Do you have this home in mind? " It's a small matter for you that you get online easily? I'm tired of complaining to me as soon as I get home. ""I don't mean that, but that you don't care about me at all. " "Good good, I say hello now? You are exaggerating. You said I was tired all day. As soon as you get home, you will argue with me for a long time about a small matter. What's the point of home? " "Well, you finally said, you are tired of me, you don't love me ..." "That's not what I meant ... Okay, okay, I'm sorry ..."

Inevitable factors in a quarrel

The first essential element of a quarrel: we think each other's blueprint is the same as ours.

In the "integration period" of our love, we have no "imaginary enemy", because at that moment, we have no blueprint, only you love me and I enjoy it. This is all our imagination.

However, when our emotions stabilize and enter the second stage of "living", we will still live in the illusion that the other party understands my needs and our expectations for the role in marriage are the same.

For example, in this example. Perhaps the wife seems to be a qualified husband = caring about her feelings+taking the initiative to undertake housework+cherishing a clean and tidy environment; In the husband's view, a qualified wife = providing warm comfort+casual and inclusive family atmosphere+happy family atmosphere.

But in fact, they first have different expectations in housework, which seems to be a small thing, but it is related to love, so there are no small things in marriage, or it can be said that small things are the fuse of big things.

Because some of these blueprints are conscious and some are subconscious, we will have many "axioms" that are taken for granted and even recognized by the whole world, but it is precisely this so-called "axiom" that makes us feel like we are facing another alien when we meet our partner.

The second element of the quarrel is that our blueprints are all related to our inner love.

When our blueprints are inconsistent, it is not only these habits that are not respected, but our love is flawed. Because we all have some unique ways to get love, our blueprint is the road map to our hearts and the instructions on how to get love.

So if you don't understand each other's inner marriage picture and explore a blueprint of your own, you will probably make a fatal mistake when you lay the foundation for love.

The third essential element of a quarrel is that we think we have discussed it, or we don't need to discuss it, or we don't think we have a blueprint.

When we are all partners, we have the same expectations for each other.

For example, a girlfriend is not so strict with her boyfriend, because they are not so close, or her boyfriend can meet many demands beyond his tolerance, because he is still pursuing the state.

Learn to be a partner

But they didn't talk about what they can bear in marriage, what their welfare is, and what their rights and obligations are. What expectations do we have for our future life, and what is the proportion of work and family life?

Do you have any five-year plans after marriage? Some husbands need to spend more time at work when their careers grow in the first few years of marriage. Can the wife accept it? If so, how to balance family life?

Some husbands want to be entrepreneurs, which means that the family economy may face the risk of turmoil; Some husbands plan to do things smoothly and focus on family life, while wives may want to live a better life ... Some wives want to transform and need their husbands to pay more attention to family life, and their husbands are also facing the climbing stage of their careers. ...

Who's in charge of how to deal with family finances? Who will do the housework? Who does which part of the housework, cooking or eating out? Even what to cook, who will cook? ...

Regarding family life, some wives like to travel and their husbands are otaku; Some wives prefer material satisfaction and pay attention to spiritual consumption; Some husbands like to go out to play football with their buddies for fun, while wives want to spend more time with their husbands. ...

When we face our parents, who will be the bad COP and who will be the bad COP? When parents have conflicts with their own side, how should we face and cooperate? Even with friends, how can we help each other make up for it?

In the way of love, some wives feel that the channel of love comes from words, while the channel for husbands to express love is only action; Some wives want their husbands to be present at critical moments, but husbands are often absent, mistakenly thinking that their wives don't care;

Some husbands want to receive gifts from their wives, but wives may not understand that a big man likes surprises ... These are all languages of love. If you are interested, you can read the book Five Languages of Love. I think there are thousands of love languages.