Begging for a joke ...

Let me exercise unless the remote control is made into a dumbbell.

Whenever I encounter difficulties, I will take out my wallet and look at my wife's photo, and then say to myself: What is there to be afraid of? Don't lose heart. Is there anything more difficult than her?

Computers can really save time and improve work efficiency. For example, playing flop games does not require shuffling.

Don't wash it, but for the mud, this broken car would have fallen apart a long time ago.

After eating, we discussed the problem of hunger. It is suggested that chastity be discussed at the next party. I can't wait.

I explained the exchange rate to my son on a whim, and now he only accepts gold as lucky money.

Please breathe bravely. Let's use our lungs to purify the polluted air.

You said this is a problem that even a three-year-old child can understand. Ok, let me ask you something. Now we are in an emergency meeting, and everyone is at a loss. Who has time and mind to find a three-year-old child! ?

Some people don't even know their neighbors, but they are extremely concerned about whether there are aliens in the world.

◆ When making paper documents, each document shall not exceed ten pages; If it cannot be compressed to less than ten pages, each book can be bound into one volume, two volumes, three volumes and so on. Please strictly observe it. If there is a document that the general manager can't tear off next time, the responsibility of the department manager will be severely investigated. ...

I used to suffer from schizophrenia, but now we have recovered.

I only fly first class unless they kick me out.

The monotonous and busy life day after day sometimes makes people forget their existence. At this time, you can easily find yourself by hitting a hammer on your thumb. ...

Comrade policeman, what will you do if I drive too fast?

Sometimes I ignore you, sometimes I please you, and sometimes I bother you on purpose. This is my colorful life.

Manage your boss skillfully

Two employees of a development company are complaining. A said, "The manager is really hateful. He wants to mess with us every day. Today, he came to work black and blue. Really deserved it! "

B said, "Sure enough, I didn't come out of the office. Today I was finally screwed up by his wife. "

A said, "How do you know he was cheated by his wife?"

B said, "Because every time he blames me for no reason, I will send a photo of a woman to his wife."

Steamed bread with minced meat

Dad: Do you know, son? Some children really work hard.

Son:. . .

Dad: There is a child, and his family is very poor. When he was at school, he bought three steamed buns every day and spent a day studying in the library. Steamed bread became his three meals a day.

Son:. . .

Dad: Can you do that?

Son: No, unless it's meat steamed bread.

Prayer before meals

Mr. and Mrs. Song held a banquet at home. Before dinner, she asked her five-year-old son to say a prayer before dinner.

"But I don't know what to say to pray!"

"You just have to say what I said!"

So the little boy bowed his head obediently: "Ah! Oh, my god Why do you want me to treat you in such a hot day? What a nuisance! ! "

Kangaroo's bag

Father: "Do you know why there is a bag in front of kangaroo's stomach?"

Child: "I think it must be used to hold kangaroos."

Father: "But kangaroo also has a bag in front of its stomach. What is the explanation? "

Child: "that must be used to hold candy!" " "

Why don't you take me with you?

Father and relatives recalled his childhood: "It was a wonderful time. It's nice to catch cicadas in the wild, shrimp in the stream and sleep on the grass all day. " 」

The child's eyes were wide open and absorbed in it, and suddenly he burst into tears.

"what's the matter, NULL?" Father asked in surprise.

"I don't want it! Why don't you take me with you! Wow ... "And the child continued to cry.

Graduation overture

Looking forward to, looking forward to, July has come, and the pace of graduation is near. The students just woke up, but their eyes were wide open. Looking back suddenly, it was hot. Looking back, I drank all the boiling water last night. When I finally got up, the number on the pager had climbed to 1 1.

The boy sneaked in from the door wearing a T-shirt, which was smelly and broken. In the classroom and dormitory, you see, a lot of girls' signatures on T-shirts are theirs. Sit and lie down, invite a few people, play some cards, kick some smelly balls and write some messages. The fan turned lazily and the sweat flowed angrily.

Playing poker is the most common, and a dozen is three or two days. Don't be upset. Look, like hot pot, like glue, it connects us all into an inseparable conjoined baby. The dormitory is empty, but the floor is clean, so people are afraid to wear high heels for fear of bringing some stray things. Even the tea cups in the suit are so bright that we envy them. I wonder how many people left lipstick and even cigarettes after drinking them. In the middle of the night, the lights went out, and a little dim candlelight set off a lively and noisy night. On the beds and stools, there are girls shouting "Why do you love others behind my back" and "When you wake up". There are also working people in the bathroom, washing clothes and mopping the floor, singing sparsely, learning to roar in different tones like lions.

The sun in the sky is getting hotter and hotter, and more and more teachers are being slaughtered on the ground. Men, women and children, every household is blacklisted. Graduates, by phone, mobile phone, writing messages, gritting their teeth and laughing, concluded that those teachers were doomed to be slaughtered. Relax, be full of energy, and kill the teacher. Dinner, supper, fruit and snacks are all indispensable. There is no class, there is plenty of time and there is plenty of grinding.

Graduates are lazy from head to toe, just like a baby who just landed. He always cries and laughs, and then grunts for free.

The graduate is like a little girl, dressed in fancy clothes and dizzy. She walked with a smile, wandered the streets, bought some flashy souvenirs and played around.

Graduates, like strong young people, have fearless courage. I am a hooligan. Afraid of catching someone, anxious to bully someone. He led a group of newborn calves to accept the social blow and the threat of flying souls.

Complete set of classroom answers

In the math class of senior three, the teacher wrote on the blackboard, and the bottom was in a mess. The teacher couldn't bear it: "Students, keep your voice down!" A buddy said, "Teacher, you will get used to it!" " "The teacher was speechless.

High school students must wear school uniforms, and some repeat students never wear them. One day, the teacher saw that the classmate didn't wear a school uniform and asked him why he didn't wear it. The classmate was furious and said, "My mother is not dead. Why should I wear mourning clothes?" ! "The teacher is sweating like a pig.

The teacher dragged on: "Finally, I have to say one thing." . . "Later, a boy loudly said," Twisted melon is not sweet! " The audience was silent. The teacher was livid: "Class dismissed! "

Remember to do geometry in junior high school. The math teacher was furious and smashed two books on the podium: "XX, XXX, how come your answers are all the same?" ! ! "Listen to the following whisper:" Great minds think alike. "

Our teacher once said in class: "The boss is the boss with a long face, the wife is the old woman and mother, and the wife will always be with you." . . My deskmate asked the teacher loudly, "Teacher, was that teacher wet just now?" "The teacher flew into a rage.

When I was in junior high school, I liked a few boys to shoot butterflies after class (it's really boring to think about it now). As a result, a classmate was so excited that when the bell rang, the math teacher asked him several times but didn't answer. Five minutes after class, the classmate ran to the door and called for a report. The teacher said angrily, "I call the dog and it wags its tail!" " The classmate whispered, "I have no tail!" " "The whole class laughed so hard that even the teacher couldn't help laughing.

The answer to hilarious laughter

Geography has been taught in junior middle schools. Fushun, Liaoning Province produces the most coal and Anshan, Liaoning Province produces the most iron, so Fushun is called the "coal capital" of China and Anshan is called the "iron capital".

A monthly exam questions:

Coal in China is ().

China's iron is ().

As a result, the answer written on the test paper is:

All the coal in China is black.

China's iron is (hard).

Methods of learning words

I received a letter entitled "Who is it?" ? Cattle? What is your salary?

According to the pronunciation of English words, come up with a homophonic Chinese phrase with similar pronunciation, and form an absurd association between Chinese phrase and English word meaning. Here are some Lenovo examples:

Books: no books: learning is inseparable from books.

Good: hire-good: I hired a good secretary.

Goodbye: I hired a white secretary and said goodbye to a black secretary.

English English: Showing Historical English: Tonight's movie shows a historical story, in the original English movie.

Monitor of mon'iter: Simulated Spy-Monitor: Monitor simulated spy execution.

Knife knife: corrosion-resistant knife: this knife is corrosion-resistant.

Stay overnight: Nite-night: It's especially important to breast-feed your child at night.

O'pen open: Vomiting -open: Opening this smelly jar makes me want to vomit.

Close the door: you can hug your son-close the door: close the door and hug your son to sleep.

Pick pick: Chop coconut with a pick to quench your thirst.

Spade Spade: This is a match. Spade: This is a match, so you don't need to buy it.

The red sun shines on my head and makes me sweat.

Green green: I think-green: I think green, but I don't think other colors.

Station: He is paralyzed-Station: He is too paralyzed to stand up.

Pen Pen: Spray pen: My pen can spray water.

Pencil: Jet pencil: My pencil shoots flames.

Textbook: Iron is very special-textbook: According to the textbook, iron is a particularly commonly used metal.

Copy four sentences carefully: copy this sentence carefully four times.

A farmer cheated a real spy.

Teacher: Off topic. Teacher: The teacher is too far off topic.

Student: Trying to wait for a special program Student: Students are sitting in front of the TV, trying to wait for a special program.

House: Good stuff-House: Good stuff in the house tonight.

Gar'dn Garden: Wait-Garden: My wife is talking to her former lover in the garden, and I am waiting awkwardly.

Daughter: Daughter: How special my daughter is at today's dance!

Mouse: cat food-mouse: cats eat mice.

It is worth noting that the pronunciation method of English is different from that of Chinese, and some phonemes in English have no corresponding Chinese pronunciation.

Such as [&; ] and [e] have no corresponding Chinese pronunciation. Therefore, homophonic Chinese phrases are only used to associate English meanings, and it is absolutely not allowed to read English with homophonic Chinese phrases.

A funny roll call in law class

When I was in a law class in my sophomore year, our law teacher had a hobby. She likes to ask questions, and she must repeat them loudly before asking them. Once when he was teaching the general principles of civil law, suddenly the teacher raised his voice and began to ask questions. All the students stared at the teacher in fear for fear of being shouted. Because the teacher asked questions instead of roll call, he looked at the roll call and asked questions, so no one had to bow their heads.

"25th, 1 class!" The teacher ordered.

There was silence (Zhang San was in a daze). . .

"25th-zhang SAN! Are you here? " The teacher repeated, brush! The whole classroom looked at Zhang San.

"Didn't come!" Zhang San shouted. The whole class was stunned! But I soon began to admire Zhang San's courage.

"Why didn't you come?" The teacher asked again.

"He is ill!" Zhang San had no choice but to lie, and the whole class burst into laughter.

"Are you from his dormitory?" The teacher was also confused by the inexplicable laughter.

"yes." Faced with the teacher's questioning, Zhang San turned green.

"What a pity! Go back and tell him to come to my office this afternoon! " The class laughed again.

"ah? ! All right. " Zhang San's scalp began to tingle. Who can I be scolded for this afternoon? It's just Li Si, alas, I have to treat that boy again.

Zhang San was glad to avoid a question when the teacher added, "Why don't you answer this question for him?"

"ah! ? "Zhang San barely stood up, and it is conceivable that someone in the classroom has hurt his stomach with laughter.

"Teacher, can you repeat the question you asked?"

"ah! ! I have repeated this question three times. How do you go to class? "

"Sorry, I didn't catch that!" Zhang San already has sweat on his forehead.

"That good I repeat. . . "

"I, report the teacher, I will not answer this question." Zhang San thought that he was going to die anyway, so why die so cowardly? So he got up with confidence.

"Well, come to my office with Zhang Sanyi at two o'clock in the afternoon!" All the students laughed until they spurted blood.

From then on, no one in the law class dared to say that XXX didn't come.

The price of a farmer surfing the Internet.

I come from a remote village in the northeast.

Only my family in our village has a computer.

I sold the mainframe bought by two donkeys,

I sold five color monitors I bought,

I sold 100 Jin of eggs and bought a keyboard.

Sold 200 Jin of mice bought from stick noodles.

I want to buy a speaker,

My wife said she wouldn't let me sell those twenty old hens that laid eggs.

I sold my father's coffin board.

Bought a cat,

Dial up the internet.

One month;

My big brick house will pay the phone bill.

I dug some mud in the village,

Buckle the blank,

Made a small earthen bag,

My wife took the children back to her parents' house,

No, I came to town to sell blood.

Seeing an internet cafe,

For a time,

In fact, there is nothing wrong with being poor.

Bite your teeth,

I stopped eating steamed bread at noon,

I don't drink porridge at night,

I surf the internet! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

game player

When college students were in military training, the instructor found someone passing a note and asked for it. The content is as follows:

"Go out in the morning *: > ,

Eat: << Swallow Heaven and Earth >>,

Standing posture:>,

5 km cross country:>,

Tactical category:>,

Dig trenches:>,

Yes *: < <; Warcraft >>,

Standing at night:>

* class:& gt； . "

The instructor laughed without anger and asked, "What am I?" Without thinking, someone blurted out: "touching expert!" " "

The instructor was furious. "Who said that?" The same voice replied, "Crusader without regrets!"

MM's mailbox is set with password verification like this.

When I broke up with my ex-girlfriend, the contradiction was fierce and a little too much. At that time, I disconnected her two QQ and two email addresses in succession, but the password settings remained unchanged. I thought of it again when I was bored the other day. Let's see, break it again. Same old mailbox, but it hasn't been used for a long time. The first two levels passed easily. At the last level, the password asks "What is XX (my name)?" Please answer. So, I think she must have hated me at that time. After all, girls are very stingy and so emotional. Therefore, the answer should be some ugly words. So, I typed out all the words that describe people's badness, such as "bad guy", "big bad guy", "liar", "big liar", "big pervert", "robber" and "hooligan", all of which were invalid. Later, the "bastard" was beaten in and passed.

QQ needs a certification statement.

Chatting on OICQ must pass the test of identity, and the language of newcomers can be described as strange, varied, interesting and enjoyable. Now record a few cases and share them with netizens.

In the first case, someone nicknamed Ah Q comes to "knock on the door":

For the first time, Q: Open the door, I'm a policeman! Ward rounds!

Fall in love: (cautiously refusing) Excuse me, do you have a search warrant?

The second time, mouth shut: Q: Cut the crap and open the door!

Fall in love: (resolutely) Sorry, please show me your certificate!

The third time, change the trick: A Q: Tutu, open the door!

Fall in love: (eagerly) children, run, the wolf is coming!

The fourth time, another trick: ah q: sesame, sesame, open the door!

Fall in love: (decisively) Sorry, there is no treasure here, please go!

The fifth time: the tone became pathetic: A Q: Sister, it's too cold outside. Let me in!

Falling in love: (too soft-hearted) Oh, ok, but there are many people in the room, don't talk nonsense!

Finally, I was released and sighed. The first thing I said when I came in was: Ah Q: Alas, it feels so warm to enter the house!

In the second case, nicknamed K:

For the first time, tentatively: A K: Do I have to be over 38?

Falling in love: (smiling) You're not thirty-eight?

The second time, I hope: A K: I happen to be thirty-seven, okay?

Fall in love: (deliberately decisive) no!

The third time, doubtfully: A K: Why?

Falling in love: (thinking he knows perfectly well) You don't know? This is because I like chatting with mature people!

The fourth time, I don't understand: A K: Isn't it immature to be one year short?

Falling in love: (resolutely) I am very principled!

The fifth time, cunningly: A K: Could you please click on the update?

Falling in love: (puzzled) What's the problem?

Then click on K's personal description. After updating, I found that my age became thirty-nine.

Falling in love: (laughs) Ha, is it growing too fast? !

The sixth time, pretend to be sincere: A K: It was developed for your needs!

Then I immediately sent the seventh article, which was really sincere this time: A K: If I had a 39-year-old heart, would it be all right? Finally passed.

The third case, called G:

I asked for the first time: G: Why must I be over 38?

Love: (Frankly speaking) Life is a book, and I like to read it very thick.

The second time, proudly: G: I am forty years old this year. Do you think it is thick enough?

Falling in love: (sure, but doubtful) thick enough, but rich in content?

The third time, I said proudly: A G: Very rich, with the true meaning and poetry of life!

Love: Are you sincere?

The fourth time, definitely: G: Yes, that's its theme!