There are some funny jokes.

I have never seen my mother: "Look at your hands, how dirty they are! When have you ever seen my hands as dirty as yours? " Daughter: "No, Mom. I have never seen you as old as me. "

Can cows smoke? Two farm children are chatting. One suddenly asked, "Can your cow smoke?" "Are you crazy? How can cows smoke? " "Oh, then, maybe your cowshed is on fire."

Mother said, "Don't leave until tomorrow what you can finish today." The son said, "well, give me the cake just now." I ate it all today. "

Save money "Dad, you can save money!" ""save what money? Children. " "You don't have to spend money on textbooks for me this year. I have failed. "

Once a father saw his son in front of the game hall and said angrily, "You don't know anything about learning, you only play games. Nine times out of ten, I see you here! " "The son said," I am less than you once! " "

Revelation "Mom, are people really monkeys?" "yes." "Oh, no wonder there are fewer and fewer monkeys."

The father blamed the mistake on his son: "The neighbor Zhang Jia is very unhappy because you punched his son in the eye." You said it was an accident. Is it true? ""Of course it's true, "said the son." I want to hit him on the nose. "

Why is the child: "Dad, what kind of cigarette is this?" Dad: "Remember, smoke is a chimney." Child: "Oh, I see! Why is dad's nose not called' chimney'? "

A pedestrian asking for directions asked a child, "Brother, please ask me: Where do these two roads lead?" The child said, "The one on the east side can lead to my house. The one in the west, but not to my house. ...

Filial son: "What will you do if I am the first in my class?" Father: "Then I am really happy!" " "Son:" Dad, don't worry, I won't let you die! " "

The youngest son has no food to eat and always refuses to sit down. Mother asked strangely; "What's wrong with you today? Why eat standing up? " Son: "Today, in Chinese class, the teacher said,' Sit on your laurels ...'"

Football fever dad: "Hey, I told you to buy a hot water bottle. Why did you buy a football? " Son: "Football is better than hot water bottle, which saves the trouble of irrigation." Father: "But football can't keep you warm." Son: "Why not? Didn't you see in the newspaper that there will be a' football fever' around the world this year? "

Pig's son and father: "you are so stupid, you are really a pig!" " Do you know what a pig is? "Son:" Yes, it's the son of a pig. "

Another mother said, "What is the number of this question?" Son: "5". Mom: "That's clever, even if you come out so soon. Give you five cents to buy popsicles. " Son: "Mom, write another question, 100!" " "

Mother taking medicine: "Why do you always roll?" Son: "I just finished drinking medicine." I forgot to shake the medicine in the bottle before drinking. ...

After a heavy rain, Xiaoling dragged her father's heavy rain shoes to play with water. There is a hole in the rain boots, and there is water. Xiaoling thought, this is easy to handle. Just open another hole and let the water flow out. So he dug another hole in his sole with scissors. But the water in the rain boots is accumulating. Xiaoling sighed: "How many holes does the water have to open to get out?"

It backfired. "How many points did you get in this arithmetic exam?" "Three points." The words sound just fell and "pa! Bang! Hey! " Xiaoming got his father's three soles on his ass. "What's your score in the next exam?" "I don't want it next time."

Umbrella mushroom: "Dad, do mushrooms grow in wet places?" Dad: "Yes, I grew up in a rainy place." Son: "Oh, no wonder mushrooms grow into umbrellas!" " "

Sentence-making teacher: "Please use' whatever …' to make sentences." "

Student: "The teacher shouldn't ask me any questions that I can't answer."

Honest boy A visiting lady wanted to know why her little nephew behaved so well.

"That's very kind of you." She said, "Why are you so obedient?"

The little nephew replied, "Because my mother promised to buy me a toy panda, provided that I didn't laugh at your garlic nose and Fanny's ears."

Diligent child teacher: "Have you worked out this problem?"

Student: "I have, I have counted ten times."

Teacher: "You learn really well."

Student: "But I got ten different answers."

Sleeping sweetly's mother: "Xiao Pang, you are going to sleep. Why do you want to eat the pond?" Xiao Pang: "Don't you want me to sleep soundly at night?"

Imagine having an alcoholic father. According to magazines, one of the effective ways to cultivate children's intelligence is to ask children some imaginative questions frequently. So, I found my son and tried to ask, "If you have a magic pen of Ma Liang, what are you going to draw first?" "Erguotou, Dad."

Never drink water. The baby accidentally swallowed an orange stone. The neighbor's little brother said to him, "Don't drink water. My brother said,' When seeds get water and nutrients, they will sprout and grow'. If you drink water, orange trees will grow on your head! "

It's not that flat A car ran over a chicken when it passed a small village. The driver picked up the unlucky chicken and said to a little boy who saw it, "Is this chicken yours?" "No, sir, my chicken is the same color and appearance as it, but not as flat as it."

I can't see anything. Mother: "Martin, go to the kitchen and see if the light is off!" " "

Martin went for a while and came back and said, "Mom, it's too dark there. You can't see anything."

What time do you get up Teacher: "Liangliang, what time do you get up every morning?"

Liangliang: "That depends on when dad's feather duster pricks me."

Don't make your father angry. Teacher: "Your father must be angry when he sees your failed paper after every exam."

Liangliang: "Yes."

Teacher: "Liang Liang, what can you do to make your father not angry?"

Liang Liang: "It's very simple. As long as you stop taking exams, dad won't be angry. "

No level teacher: "Liang Liang, how did you miss six of the seven homework questions left yesterday?"

Liang Liang: "Father is not level."

Sad teacher: "Liang Liang, aren't you sad that you failed in four subjects this time?"

Liangliang: "I have nothing to worry about, but my father is very sad."

Learn one thing and know two students: "Teacher, why are apples red and green at the same time?"

Teacher: "That's because one side is basking in the sun and the other side is not basking."

Student: "I see, watermelon pulp is red." The sun must have got into the watermelon! " "

So Li Ming took his math test paper and asked the teacher, "Why did I eat zero eggs in this exam?"

The teacher said angrily, "because there is no score below zero!" " "

Improper use of words Teacher: "Lily, your problem is improper use of words. Now test you, please use one sentence to describe that I am very happy. "

Lily: "The teacher is smiling in the grave."

A student always wants to play ball in class, keeping his eyes fixed on the playground. The teacher criticized him and said, "You are in the classroom, but your heart is in the playground. How can this work? " The student listened and said, "Teacher, let me go to the playground alone and leave my heart in the classroom, ok?"

Absolute Silence Teacher: "Students, please keep absolute silence now, so quiet that you can hear a pin drop." After a while, everything was quiet. A boy screamed, "Throw the needle!" "

The uncooperative teacher asked a student, "Why didn't your exam result be as good as your playing basketball?"

Student: "Teacher, there is cooperation on the basketball court, but there is no cooperation in the examination room!" " "

Parents are polite. One day, the school invited parents to visit the school. In the first class in the morning, the students say hello to the teacher and say, "Good morning, teacher." The teacher felt that the students should also say hello to the parents present, so he said, "What about the parents?" Before the students could react, the parents stood up together and said, "Good morning, teacher."

The consequences of punishment Two teachers are talking about their students. One of them said, "A student came to school yesterday without washing his face, so I sent him home."

Another teacher admired him very much and said, "What a great idea! He must have come to school neatly today! " "

"No, the whole class didn't wash their faces today!"

Praise "Mom, did the teacher praise me at the parent-teacher meeting?" Xiaohua asked.

"No, I haven't heard your name for a long time." Mom replied. "Does the teacher say wait after reading the names of his classmates?" "yes." Mom replied. "Isn't that a compliment? I am waiting! " Xiaohua said.

Careless Professor A professor always forgets three things, either his glasses case or his walking stick. Especially umbrellas, his wife buys him one almost every month. The professor secretly made up his mind to be more careful in the future. One day, the professor went out in the morning and came back in the afternoon. He proudly said to his wife, "Hey, Tao Le, I didn't lose anything today. I brought my umbrella back! " With that, he flashed an umbrella. "Oh, look at you careless person, you didn't take your umbrella out today!"

A doctor in a mental hospital asked the patient, "What will happen to you if I cut off one of your ears?" The patient replied, "Then I can't hear." The doctor listened ... "Mm-hmm, it's normal."

The doctor asked again, "So … what will happen to you if I cut off your other ear again?" The patient replied, "Then I won't watch it." The doctor began to get nervous: "Why can't you see?" The patient replied, "Because the glasses will fall off."

Uncle John, a fool, came to stay for a few days. When he left, he took out 100 shilling and said to his nephew Tom, "Keep the change. Remember, you have to collect money, and if you lose it, you will give it away. " Tom said excitedly, "Yes, only fools send money!" " Uncle John thought for a moment and said, "What you said is reasonable. I think you'd better not take the money. "

Three pairs of glasses "Teacher, why do you use three pairs of glasses?" "Oh, one pair is hyperopia, one pair is myopia, and the third pair is used to find the other two pairs of glasses."

Jack: "The moon is more useful than the sun."

Yue Se: "The sun is more useful than the moon."

Jack: "It's dark and inconvenient at night." The moon shines on people, and people laugh. The light is very strong during the day. Everyone can see clearly, what does it matter if there is no sun! "

Hans boasted to his friends, "My piano is really great. Whenever I play wildly, I will report the time. " My friends didn't believe me, so they started playing crazy. Suddenly, the wall was knocked and the mountain rang. An old woman shouted, "Stop arguing, it's already twelve o'clock."

The gangster policeman asked a criminal who was about to be hanged what he wanted for breakfast. "Yes, I remember. I like peaches best. " The criminal said. "You know, it's winter and there are no peaches!" The police said. "Never mind, I can wait."

The elephant sandwich customs officer stopped a passenger and asked him if he had anything to declare.

"No." The passenger replied.

"Are you sure you haven't?"

"Of course."

"What about the elephant with a piece of bread in your ear behind you?"

"Sir, what I put in the sandwich is entirely my own business!"

There is a sign on the desk of the consulting lawyer's office, which reads: "Answer a question, the fee is 100 dollars." A lady came to consult and was surprised to see the sign on the table. She asked, "Do you really charge 100 dollars to answer a question?" The lawyer replied, "OK, the second question!" " "

President's phone A: "The president called me today!" "

B: "It's too rare. What did he say to you? "

Answer: "He just said,' Sorry, wrong number!'" "

When the conductor cut the ticket because of a small mistake, he found that a Scottish adult used a child ticket, but the Scot was very determined.

Refused, so the ticket inspector picked up the passenger's suitcase and threw it out of the car.

At this moment, the train is crossing the bridge. "You are crazy!" Cried the Scotsman. "You told me about the ticket.

Don't go, drown my brother! "

Parrot There is a bird lover who likes parrots very much. One day, he passed by a bird shop and found a parrot being auctioned inside. He decided to buy it because of its beautiful fur, so he shouted, "I am willing to pay 10 dollars for this parrot!" " Then someone bid: "I am willing to pay 20 yuan dollars!" " The bird lover didn't want to give the parrot away, so he called 30 yuan ... but another voice seemed to be against him, and it didn't stop until the bird lover called to 200 yuan ... The man was very happy to buy a parrot, but he suddenly thought, I spent so much money on this parrot. If it can't talk, wouldn't I lose a lot? So he took the birdcage and asked the boss, "boss … can you talk?" Then he heard the parrot shout, "Can't you talk?" ! ? ! Who do you think was bidding to you just now? ! ? ! "

In God's mental hospital, a patient shouted to the doctor, "I am the king, and you all have to listen to me!" " "The doctor frowned." Who told him that? ""God said! " At this moment, another patient jumped out: "I didn't say that!" " "

A boy bought a loaf of bread for two pence in the bakery. He thought this bread was much smaller than usual, so he said to the baker, "Don't you think this bread is smaller than usual?" "Oh, that's all right." The baker replied, "If it's smaller, it's easier for you to hold it." "I see." The boy said, putting a penny on the counter. Just as he was about to walk out of the shop, the baker stopped him: "Hey, you don't have enough money to buy bread!" " ""Oh, that's all right. "The child said politely," If you are less, it will be easier for you to count. "

On a rainy day, a lady walked into a cafe and asked the waiter, "Did I leave my umbrella here after drinking coffee yesterday?" "Madam, what kind of umbrella is this?" "Anything, as long as it's an umbrella!"

Have another drink. A customer is having lunch in the restaurant. He ordered a steak. When he was almost finished eating, he suddenly found a fly in the steak. He angrily called the waiter and asked what was going on. The waiter took his time and said confidently, "Sir, you won the grand prize in this restaurant again."

I can't find my home. A guy was drunk and wandering in the street. When he saw a policeman, he went up to him and asked:

"Officer, if you walk along this street, can you walk to my house?"

The policeman asked, "Where is your home?"

The drunk got angry and said, "If I knew where my home was, I wouldn't have to ask you."

Ten years later, a customer said to the painter, "Your painting is a little expensive, but I'm still going to buy it." The painter said, "What you want is not expensive. You know it took me ten years. " "Ten years! ! Impossible ... ""It's been ten years! It took me two days to finish painting. The rest of the time is waiting to be sold. "

A witness can't be a judge: "witness, I have to tell you first: you can only tell what you saw with your own eyes, and don't say goodbye."

I heard it from someone else. Now let me ask you some questions: When and where were you born? "

Witness: "Oh, judge, I didn't know this until I heard it from someone else!" " "

Good guide "Excuse me, does this bus stop at Hyde Park?"

"Stop. You just have to pay attention to where I get off and get off at the previous one. "

Commander A guerrilla is telling a battle story to the children.

He suddenly asked a boy of 12 years old, "Konopka, if you are a guerrilla commander, what actions should the guerrillas take to stop the enemy from using the railway?"

Konopka stood up and replied loudly: "We must quickly occupy the ticket office and burn all the tickets!"

A mountaineer was imprisoned for unfair imprisonment. In the spring, he received a letter from his wife, which described the difficulties in life. Finally, he wrote: "It's time to sow, but no one has turned our land." The mountaineer was very sad to see it. He thought about it all night and wrote back to his wife the next day: "There is no hurry to farm. Before I came in, I buried an altar of gold ingots in the ground. After I go out, we won't have to live by farming. " Prisoners' letters must be checked by guards, and this letter is no exception. A few days later, Shanmin's wife wrote again: "A group of people came yesterday and turned over all our land, deeper than when you were at home." Are they your friends? "The villagers immediately replied," Don't worry so much. You can plant the land now, and next year's day depends on the autumn harvest. "

The seat belt stewardess announced to the passengers, "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts. The plane will take off soon. " After the plane took off, the voice of the stewardess came from the loudspeaker. "Please fasten your seat belt. Sorry, we forgot to board the plane for breakfast today. "

Tom: "John, how is your little brother?" John: "He is injured and lying in bed."

Tom: "That's too bad. How did this happen? "

John: "We played a game to see who could lean farther out of the window, and he won."

Seeing her daughter standing in front of the mirror with her eyes closed, the mother asked her daughter, "What's wrong with you?" "I want to see how I sleep."

Don't be afraid. One day, the police found a little girl wandering alone in the street. She doesn't know her name or where she lives. The police began to rummage through her pockets helplessly, hoping to find some clues. The little girl didn't resist, but said softly, "Don't be afraid, I don't have a gun."

Customer (angrily): "Did you bring coffee or tea? Why is there a smell of gasoline? "

Attendant (respectfully): "If it smells of gasoline, it is coffee, because our tea here smells of kerosene."

Ask for leave "Do you believe in life after death?" The boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, boss." The new employee replied.

"In this case, things will be easy." The boss continued, "Yesterday you asked for leave to attend your grandmother's funeral. After you left, your grandmother came here to see you. "

It is suggested that a friend of the painter come to see him. The painter said, "I'm going to paint the walls of this room and then draw some pictures on it." A friend advised the painter, "You'd better draw on the wall first, and then paint it!" " "

The eloquent salesman of God's Car promoted the children's encyclopedia to Mrs. Bohr, saying that this set of books could answer any questions raised by the children. At this moment, it happened that Mrs. Bohr's youngest son Henry came. The salesman patted little Henry on the head and said, "Son, just ask me a question and let me tell your mother how I can find the answer you want from the book." Little Henry: "What brand of car does God take?"

thin pancake

"You have a rare infectious disease," the doctor said to the patient.

"We want to isolate you. You can only eat pancakes. "

"Can pancakes cure my illness?"

"No, because only pancakes can be stuffed under the door."

Such an advertisement A dairy merchant posted such an advertisement: "If you drink a glass of milk every day for 1200 months in a row, you will certainly live to 1000 years old!"

It is an honor for a newly promoted colonel to inspect the troops he will take over at the front. When he came to a somewhat shy soldier in the queue, he stopped and said, "Young man, hold your head up, even in front of big people. Let's shake hands. You can write to your family and tell them that you shook hands with the colonel. They'll be proud of it, young man. What does your father do? " The soldier said, "Sir, my father is a general."

Discourage Judge: Did you try to stop the defendant before he hit you?

Plaintiff: Yes. I used all kinds of the most vicious and ugly language to dissuade him, but he still used it

The fist gave me a beating.

Beggar and Miser A beggar came to the door of a miser's house to beg.

Beggar: "Please give me a small piece of fat, cheese or cream."

Miser: "No!"

Beggar: "Bread crumbs will do."

Miser: "No."

Beggar: "Then give me some water to drink!" " "

Miser: "We don't even have water."

The beggar was angry: "Then why are you still sitting at home?" ? Come and beg with me! "

Threatening the postman to send a birthday card to the lighthouse keeper for boating was very unhappy.

"If you mumble again," said the tower keeper, "I will subscribe to the daily newspaper".

Similarly, a customer chose a pigskin coat and said, "I like this fur coat, but are you afraid of water?"

The salesman explained, "Of course not! Have you ever seen a pig with an umbrella? "

There is a gentleman riding a horse. He wore spurs on one foot, but he didn't wear the other. Someone asked him why his other foot didn't wear spurs, and he replied, "If I want the horse to go this way, it won't dare to go that way."

After his son came home, he happily told everyone: "In class today, the teacher said that a child who ate hippo milk gained more than 20 kilograms a month." Dad shouted loudly, "nonsense, there is such a thing." Whose child is it? " The son replied seriously, "It's a hippo's child."

After the operation, "I had an operation," a man said to his friend, "but the doctor left a sponge in my stomach." "Isn't that hard?" "No, I just feel thirsty all the time."

When soldier Dick returned to the camp below with a bottle of wine, he happened to meet the strict company commander. He had to lie and say, "I bought this bottle of wine with the colonel." Half is the colonel's. "The company commander scolded:" Give me the other half! " Dick said slowly, "There is no road to failure. Half of me is down there. "