Cold jokes for customers

Cold jokes for customers

1. I really wanted to eat cut cakes, but I was afraid that the cut cake seller would extort a lot of money, so I gave 50 yuan to my son. I asked my son to buy it and told him: "No matter what the uncle selling cut cakes says, just say you only have 50 yuan." My son did so, so now I am on my way to the bank to collect the ransom.

2. Liu Bei separatized Jingzhou and refused to repay it. Sun Quan repeatedly sent people to demand debts. Liu Bei took the trouble and called Zhuge Liang: "Kong Ming, give him half of the cake!" It is said that Sun Quan even gave Sun Shangxiang as a gift

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3. At the Ferrari store, I opened my schoolbag and put it in front of the salesperson. Inside was a large slice of cake. I said to the sales lady: Go through the formalities. I want that red 458. She was so frightened that her face turned red, and she tremblingly broke off a small piece from it and gave it to me. I asked strangely what it meant, and she said: "All." . Full payment. . . 97% off. ?

4. Three visits to the thatched cottage Liu Bei visited the thatched cottage three times, and finally met Zhuge Kongming. Kongming wrote a great poem, which made Liu Bei feel like he was enlightened and had to praise him. Liu Bei cried and said: I wish I had met you earlier! It's just that my husband lives here in seclusion, how can he be so familiar with the situation of Cao Cao, Sun Quan, Liu Biao and others? Kong Ming laughed and said: I "quietly paid attention" to them.

5. The dormitory is generally like a morgue in the morning, and occasionally people get up to go to the toilet; in the afternoon, it is like a nursing home, most of them are lying in bed and unconscious, except for a few Those with hemiplegia can pick up their mobile phones and look at them; at night it is like a madhouse, crying, laughing and screaming; in the middle of the night it is like the Secret Service, with white and blue lights dazzling on the face and the keyboard buzzing.

6. On the road, I met two old men playing chess. Xiao Ma was watching the game. The board was very anxious. For ten minutes, the two old men kept thinking. After a long time, one of them raised his head and asked, who was it? Already? The other party replied: I don’t know either!

7. Liu Bei had no place to live, so he borrowed Jingzhou from Sun Quan and did not want to return it. Sun Quan sent Lu Su to ask for it, but Liu Bei came and cried, made trouble, and hanged himself. Lu Su had to go to Kong Ming: Liu Bei was an uncle of the emperor after all, so why did he become a thorn in the side.

8. A young man threw the can in his hand on the side of the road. A policeman came over and said: "It's so uncivilized. If all people were like you..." As soon as he finished speaking, he picked up the tatters. The old man replied: "Then I will get rich."

9. It is said that you should not comb your hair at night. Combing your hair at night can easily attract ghosts. If you don't believe it, try it tonight! When you gently scratch the ends of your hair with a comb, you see ghosts appear dots. You open your eyes and take a closer look, only to hear you exclaim: Ah, dandruff!

10. Birds flying across thousands of mountains are all writing summaries; look up at the bright moon and lower your heads to write summaries. Far away on the cold mountain, the stone path is sloping, and deep in the white clouds, I am writing a summary; if relatives and friends in Luoyang ask each other, they will say that I am writing a summary; when I am dying, I sit up in shock, and I have not written a summary today; every year, the flowers are similar, and every year, I am writing a summary. Write a summary; I am destined to come thousands of miles to meet you, but I have no chance to go home to write a summary; I have searched for him for thousands of times, but suddenly I look back, and that person is writing a summary. Funny jokes

1. The farmer wanted to kill the rooster but couldn't catch it, so he grabbed the hen and said to the rooster: If you don't come down, you will be a bachelor! Rooster: You think I'm stupid, I'll kill her She became a widow

2. My neighbor’s child’s name is Zhu Chuan. Every time his mother buys clothes for him, she will tell people that these are clothes for our Zhu Chuan.

3. Many years ago, a remote mountain village had just received electricity, and every household had light bulbs. An old lady didn't know how to turn off the light. She blew it like a kerosene lamp for a long time, but it still didn't go out. She said to herself: "This new thing is really good, it's also windproof.

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4. Give you a watermelon. When you are in a bad mood, you can cut it with a knife and peel it. At the same time, you can vent and shout: I kill the melon, I kill the melon, I'll kill you!

5. A shy boy finally got up the courage to ask his beloved girl: What kind of boy do you like? The girl said: The one you like. When the boy asked again, it was still the same, he I had to say sadly: Can’t you just have a flatter head?

6. A woman took counterfeit money to buy breakfast. The vendor was annoyed: Sister, it’s okay if you give counterfeit money, at least it has a stamp. , this banknote of yours is actually a painting! To say the least, it doesn’t matter if it’s a painting. It doesn’t matter if you draw one that costs 5 or 10 yuan, or you can draw one that costs 7 yuan.

7. Have you eaten? You should have eaten at this point. If you haven’t eaten, don’t read it yet

8. A farmer was walking on the field ridge carrying two loads of manure. Someone walked up and asked. ：Uncle, how much does this sauce cost per catty? The farmer didn't say anything. The man put his hand into his mouth and tasted it. He thought: If you don't tell me how much it costs per catty, I won't tell you how bad your sauce is.

9. Wolf pups have been vegetarian since birth. The wolf parents and wolf mothers racked their brains to train the wolf pups to hunt. Finally, the wolf parents and wolf mothers were pleased that their machete son chased the rabbit wildly. The wolf pup caught the rabbit. With a fierce look on his face, he said fiercely: Boy! Hand over the carrot!

10. The letters and numbers started fighting, and the numbers sent 1 and 3 to form the letter B and penetrated into the enemy. After a while, 1 and 3 were bruised and swollen. When they came back, everyone asked them how they could do this. 1 and 3 cried and answered: Except for the boss A, which is in capital letters, the others are all in lowercase letters.

11. Someone was riding a bicycle on the street and passed by. I kept walking all the way. When the traffic police saw me, I exclaimed: Good palm! Someone waved happily and replied: Good job, comrades!

12. When I feel angry, I will pick up the phone and dial a foreign number without adding 0, I will soon hear someone say to me: .

13. It’s not the urge to pee, nor the dream, but poverty.

14. Not having to do anything every day is also a kind of pain. God, for the sake of my piety, let me bear this pain alone!!

15. On the first night when Hua Mulan joined the army for her father, she wrote to the village leader Widow Sun, saying: It’s a big loss if you don’t come!

16. I always thought the air was free until I bought a bag later Potato chips.

17. I heard that you can check the room booking records online. I immediately panicked. How embarrassing it would be if someone found out that I had never booked a room!

18. After careful investigation by the police, the criminals finally surfaced. The director made a quick decision: Fish them out quickly!

19. A couple, a man: "Since we got together, we go out for barbecue every night. I have a beer belly." All eaten. "Female: "I didn't expect that the crystallization of our love would be reflected in you first. "

20. I had a few arguments with my wife today. I said to her: Do you believe that I hit your husband? After saying that, I slapped myself. She looked at me and said that I dared, and then Snap. I was slapped again... Jie Nima didn't play according to the routine! Short jokes

1. My class teacher's surname is Hou. During class that day, Teacher Hou made a joke Shit, we all couldn't hold back our laughter. At this time, Teacher Hou's phone rang, and the ringtone was shocking, "Brother Monkey, Brother Monkey, you are amazing..." Hey, the homework for the day has doubled!

2. I went to a pizza shop to buy pizza! The waiter asked me if I wanted to cut it into 8 pieces or 12 pieces? I thought about it and said: 12 pieces is too much to finish! , Seeing that the pervert was about to succeed, I suddenly took out a bottle of concentrated sulfuric acid and threw it on the girl's face to save her.

4. Patients with fever should eat it while it is hot.

5. A man's brain likes a woman's heart, but his eyes like a woman's appearance.

6. There used to be a man who was very bad and bullied the poor everywhere. Finally one day, he did something. In his dream, his ancestors told him that on which day something would happen to him. Then he became afraid and wrote it down on his calendar. On that day, he planned not to go anywhere but to sleep in bed.

After holding it in for a day, finally, at 23:59 that night, he couldn't hold it in any longer and pooped on his pants. He rubbed the poop in his pants. Damn it, I really pooped!

7. Eat appropriately to have the strength to lose weight.

8. The government thinks about how to reasonably collect taxes, the boss thinks about how to reasonably avoid taxes, and I think about how to reasonably sleep more!

9. When a man meets a woman, there will only be an anniversary, not an Independence Day.

10. Knowledge is like underwear, invisible but important.

11. Love is like a ghost, many people believe it but few people see it.

12. My child kept kicking the quilt when he was sleeping. Fortunately, I broke his legs, otherwise he would have caught a cold.

13. 18 I am not a prince, so why do girls always think they should be a princess when they meet me.

14. Be able to sensitively recognize the footsteps of parents coming home, and turn off the TV, computer or mobile phone within 20 seconds, immediately spread out the homework and do homework, and can’t stop...Essential childhood skills, tell I'm not alone!

15. In front of the Chinese team, the Thai team wearing yellow jerseys suddenly looked like the Brazilian team.

16. What are you unhappy about? Say it to make everyone happy.

17. I am a little narrow-minded, but not lacking; I have a good temper, but not without it!

18. Only when your pants lose their belts do you understand what dependence is.

19. Women like bad-looking men, not bad-looking men.

20. I just bought a cup yesterday and the sound didn’t sound right when I knocked it. So I gave it to my brother and asked: Is it plastic or glass? The brother brought it to the wall and banged it. Then he took the fragment and said: It's glass! I am Genghis Khan! I just bought a new cup yesterday!

21. When I was in junior high school, there was a strange male classmate who sat at the same table with a girl. He was playing Wenquxing under the desk in class, and the girl also leaned on the desk to watch him play. As a result, the class teacher saw him at the back door. . After class, I called them to the office and asked, "What are you two doing?" That strange person actually said: The zipper of my pants is broken, I am repairing the zipper. I don't know what she is looking at...

22. Men who go to bars are looking for excitement, while women are mostly stimulated.

23. After the dean ate Mapo tofu, he was stabbed more than twenty times by Mapo on the spot.

24. Time is for wandering, the body is for loving, life is for forgetting, and the soul is for singing.

25. Those who use your input method to input QSL "Apocalypse" are definitely game enthusiasts; will the student party type "in the dormitory"; which tsundere and cute girl can type "so angry"; Type "Go to sleep", are you a goddess! !!If you are "extremely poor", all the losers will understand. What did you type? ! Dare you say it?

26. Xiao Ming’s hungry stomach growled in the middle of the night, so he gave birth to a nest of pigeons.

27. I was shopping today and a child suddenly spit on me on the side of the road! But as a college student, the quality is still very high. I gave him 5 yuan. Then he said to him: Son, if you vomit on me, I will give you 5 yuan. If you vomit on someone else later, they will give it to you! I left calmly, I just hoped that this child would not be beaten to death!

28. Late at night, I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep at night, so I sent a text message to a sister I was sleeping with: I am depressed, please chat with me for a while. After a while, the sister wrote back: Okay, what do you want to talk about? The topic is up to you. I thought about it and replied happily: Then let’s talk about some serious topics, such as your weight. After a period of silence, the sister texted back: Isn’t this too heavy? Then let’s talk about something superficial, such as your IQ!

29. I can tolerate fake figures, fake faces, fake breasts, and fake buttocks! But I just don’t tolerate money!

30. Don’t blame the dog for following you if you look like a bun.

31. Only women and heroes have trouble, only wives and jobs are hard to find.

32. The salted fish turns over and is still the salted fish.

33. My naughty boy is very naughty. I listened to my mother scolding him in the house today: Don’t talk when I say one, two, three! one! two! The naughty kid immediately answered: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, ninety...

34. If we stay together for a long time, we will break up, if we stay apart for a long time, we will get together; if we drink, we will go crazy, and if we drink, we will drink.

35. Xiao Li: Lao Ma, do you wash your feet often? Old Ma: Well, Xiao Li: How often do you wash it? Lao Ma: I pay great attention to hygiene and wash my feet every day. Xiao Li: Oh, then should you wash the front feet or the back feet first? Lao Ma: Damn!

36. I was chatting with my cousin. I wanted to ask her what she was doing, but I asked her, what are you doing now? As a result, my cousin said no, she only charged me half of the money because I was my cousin. I said I didn't expect that you actually did this, I'm sorry for your parents. I feel so sad that I won’t say anything anymore. Is my cousin that kind of person? I give a full vote...

37. Marriage means wearing a cotton coat for freedom. It is inconvenient to move around, but it will be very warm.

38. After confirming the murderer, the police never let go of the suspect's mouth.

39. The driver sent the leader to attend a cultural evening party. When the leader entered the venue, the driver was stopped by the security guard. The driver said: The leader and I are in the same system. The security guard said: Chickens and eggs are also in the same system. Chickens and eggs are also in the same system. X has gone in, can the egg go in?

40. Women are made of water, men are made of mud, Li Junji and Li Yuchun are both made of cement. Collection of Bad Jokes

A: "Why are you so tall? You must be over 1.7 meters tall. Are your parents both this tall?" B: "No, my parents are both only 1.6 meters tall." "More points" A: "Oh~ The gene has mutated~" B suddenly became anxious and shouted, "Where is the mutation! My uncle is only 1.8 meters tall!"

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Dad and son are sleeping , I heard the newlywed couple next door making a lot of noise. Due to poor sound insulation, the son asked: "Dad, what is this sound?" The father calmly replied: "This is Japanese, you will understand it when you grow up!"

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On the street today I accidentally stepped on a middle-aged woman's shoes, and she immediately shouted: "You are so blind, do you know how expensive my shoes are? Look at how poor you are, I can't even afford to sell you!" I said She was so frightened that she immediately knelt down and begged: "Rich woman, rich woman, let's be friends.

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Ever since I was little, I have had an old enemy called someone else’s kid. This kid never plays games or chats on QQ. , I know how to study every day, I am good-looking and obedient, I am ranked first in my grade, I have a rich boyfriend, I have been admitted to graduate school and civil servants, I earn 7,000 a month, I can cook, do housework, and speak eight foreign languages , only 400 for living expenses a month is too much to study abroad.

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In this lonely world, besides 10086 will take the initiative to send me messages, besides 10086 will answer my call immediately, besides 10086 will care about me. How much phone bill is there? Except for 10086, which will send blessings every season. Except for 10086, which will turn on my phone 24 hours a day. In this world of a person, except for 10086, who will think of me and who will care about me!

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In order to prove that spiders' hearing is in their feet, experts conducted an experiment. First, they put a spider on the experimental table, and then yelled at the spider, which scared the spider away!!! Then the spider was put on the experimental table again. I caught it, cut off all the spider's legs, and yelled at the spider. Sure enough, the spider stopped moving!!! So the experts published a paper, proving that the spider's hearing is in its feet.

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Shenzhen Development Bank launched a female-themed credit card with the slogan "I want to develop deeply with you." Someone with good intentions added: "It won't work if it's ever bigger"

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The first cold joke in human history: In ancient times, two monkeys were walking on the road. As we walked, one said: "Hey, why are we walking standing still?" After a while, the other turned around and said: "...Aren't we monkeys? How can we talk?"

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Me In my senior year, I was watching porn movies alone in the dormitory one day. My roommate pushed open the door and entered. I quickly minimized the video and pretended to be playing a game. He glanced at me and said quietly, four years later, we brothers still haven't been able to treat each other with sincerity.

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A couple, after working hard for several years, bought a villa with sea view. Because of the huge pressure to repay the mortgage, I still have to leave early and come back late every day. However, what his nanny does most every day is to hold the family dog ??on the balcony to bask in the sun, watch the sea, and drink coffee...

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A netizen’s signature: How many points did the teacher give me? I wish him as long as he lives. As a result, someone in the class added some words before and after the horizontal line where the teacher filled in the score on the exam paper, turning it into "Teacher, I wish you live to be _____ years old"

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Received a text message: "Today Starting from 15:31, my wife will start sleeping with other people’s husbands, and I have to wait happily to wash and change clothes and take a shower. There is no way he brought a gun." After looking at it in confusion, I realized. Believe it or not, let me tell you, there is such a good news when giving birth to a child!

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A netizen: I have been a virgin for 21 years, and finally the night before yesterday... it became 22 years...

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"Honey, you are the cutest person I have ever seen!~" "Muma!~Husband, I just like you who have never seen the world..."

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Teacher : "Nobita, the teacher will give you 90 yuan, and you can borrow another 10 yuan from Fat Tiger. How much money will you have in total?"

Nobita: "0 yuan."

< p> Teacher: "You don't understand mathematics at all!"

Nobita: "You don't understand Fat Tiger at all!!!"

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At a snack bar

It’s very hot in summer

It’s almost 40 degrees Celsius

A woman said: “Boss, give me a bottle of drink”

The boss said: “Yes. Don't you want to be cold?"

The woman said angrily: "Don't you know that women feel uncomfortable for a few days?!"

The boss said impatiently: "Who I know, you didn't put a sanitary napkin on your face.

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I saw a slogan in a public toilet: "If you can't urinate, it means you are short, if you can't urinate, it means you are weak."...I suddenly felt like a huge pear