A joke

Three ghosts

The three ghosts came to God and said in unison: "I died unjustly and should go to heaven!" God: "I only let the most unjust one If you go to heaven alone, let me tell you how you died."

A: "I am a cleaner. One day, I was sweeping the floor on the roof of an old, low-rise building without a security net. I accidentally fell down. I grabbed a sewer pipe, but some bastard pushed it down. Because the building was short, a refrigerator fell down and killed me."

B: "I went to someone else's wife's house to have an affair, but her husband came home and I hid in the refrigerator. As a result, the refrigerator seemed to have fallen from the window without a security net. Because it was protected by the refrigerator, I didn't die. As soon as I came out, someone fell down and killed me."

C: "When I came home, I saw my wife with another man from the window. I got so angry that I knocked down the sewer pipes, threw away the refrigerator, and had a big fight with my wife. As a result, I accidentally fell out of the window, hit my head on someone’s head, and died.”

God: "You all died unjustly. Let's all go to heaven."

The Secret of the Toilet

Country A developed a spray toilet. Once, the envoy from country B arrived in country A and used their toilet and found it very comfortable. So country B also wanted to develop a spray toilet and show off to the envoy from country A: We also have a spray toilet! But the envoy from country A was coming the next day, and it was too late to make a toilet...

The envoy from country A tried the toilet from country B. Unexpectedly, it not only sprayed water, but also had a towel to wipe the butt. In order to understand its structure, the messenger stood up and pressed the button again. I saw two hands, one holding a water sprayer and the other holding a towel, sticking out of the toilet...

Reason for arrest

Someone yelled: "The president is an idiot! ! ! ! ” He was arrested, but the charge was not “insulting the president”!

Intention

Someone sent a text message to a friend saying: "I want to send you a red envelope!" He was very happy, but later he became unhappy. It turned out that the next page of the text message read: "I have sent a mosquito."

Antonyms

One day, the teacher walked into the classroom, and the students stood up and shouted: " Good morning, teacher!"

The teacher said angrily: "What about my afternoon?"

Then the students shouted again: "Good afternoon, teacher!"

The teacher said angrily: "What about me in the evening?"

The students shouted together: "Good afternoon, teacher!"

The teacher nodded and said: "That's it, let's shout it again!"

The students shouted in unison: "Teacher, good morning, good afternoon, and good evening!"

The teacher said: "Sit down! Today we are going to review antonyms. Let's practice like this. I will say one thing and you will say the antonyms out loud. Start now."

Teacher: "The weather is very good today."

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Student: "The weather is very bad today."

Teacher: "The sun is shining everywhere."

Student: "It is cloudy everywhere."

Teacher: "The road is crowded with people."

Student: "There is no one on the road."

Teacher: "Young."

Student: "Old "

Teacher: "Stand down."

Student: "Lie down."

Teacher: "There is a young man standing on the road."

Student: "There was a young man lying down on the road."

Teacher: "I picked up a dollar."

Student: "I lost a dollar. ”

Teacher: “I picked up a dollar and gave it to the teacher.”

Student: “I lost a dollar and stole it from the teacher.”

Teacher: "Wrong, you can't say that!"

Student: "That's right, you should say it like this!"

Teacher: "Wrong."

Student: " correct.

”

Teacher: “This is not okay, this is illegal!” ”

Student: “That’s okay, it’s legal!” "

Teacher: "I said it was wrong. ”

Student: “We said it is correct. "

Teacher: "Listen to the teacher, what the teacher says is correct! "

Student: "Listen to us, everything the teacher said is wrong! "

Teacher: "You are stupid. ”

Student: “We are smart. "

Teacher: "Stop! ”

Student: “Continue!” ”

Teacher: “Stop now!” Stop talking! ”

Student: “Let’s continue now! More to say! ”

Teacher: “You stupid pigs, I say stop!” ”

Student: “We are all geniuses, we say continue!” ”

Teacher: “You listen to the teacher!” ”

Student: “Teacher, listen to us! ”

Teacher: “Students must listen to the teacher!” ”

Student: “Teachers must listen to their students!” ”

Teacher: “Stop practicing now! ”

Student: “Now let’s continue practicing!

Teacher: "Are you done?" ”

Student: “We have a beginning and an end!” ”

Teacher: “Then stop!” idiot! ”

Student: “Then we should continue!” genius! "

....Then the teacher walked out of the classroom angrily holding the book in his arms

Incorrect understanding

One day the blind man and the lame man went out on bicycles to do errands, the blind man Riding, the cripple looked at the road, and suddenly a deep ditch appeared on the road. The lame man screamed: "Ditch, ditch, ditch!" "The blind man thought he was singing, and sang back: "Oh, oh, oh! "As a result, the blind man and the lame man fell into the ditch together!

The consequences of not understanding

A prostatologist met an airplane pilot. Because the language was different, he had to make gestures.

The doctor made a "1" gesture.

The driver made a "5" gesture.

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The driver gestured "big"

The doctor gestured "down"

The driver gestured "up"

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The doctor went home and said: "There is something wrong with that man! I say men have a small, droopy prostate. He said men have five large, upward-facing prostates! ! ! "

The driver went home and said: "There is something wrong with that person! I said that our airport has five planes. The airport is very big and the planes fly upward. He said there was only one plane at their airport, the airport was small and the plane flew downwards! ! ! "

The boss said to his subordinates: "Report (money) in advance.

"

One day the devil caught the princess

The devil: "You can scream until your throat is broken...no one will come to save you..."

< p>Princess: "Broken throat...broken throat..."

No one: "Princess...I'm here to save you..."

Devil King: "Say Cao* Cao* will be here..."

Cao*: "Devil...what did you ask me to do..."

Devil: "Wow...I saw a ghost"

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Ghost: "Damn! I've been found..."

Damn: "Ghost, you can see me..."

Devil: "Oh ,My God!"

God: "Who called me?"

Who: "No one called you..."

No one: " Where am I? I'm just pretending!"

Garlic: "Who is pretending to be me?"

Who: "Are you talking about me again? Are you looking for trouble?"

Trouble: "Which one is looking for me?"

Which one: "Looking for you? I'm not... Hey, there are so many people here."

Many people: "Me I just arrived...who are you?"

Which one: "I am not who."

Who: "He is not me."

Princess: "Are you all here to save me?"

Everyone: "I'm not here to save you, I'm here to watch the excitement."

Excitement: "I am. What's good to see?"

God: "It's none of my business, let's go first."

Devil: "You answer one question before leaving. Why are so many people saving the princess? ?How can I continue to play the role of the devil?"

Go on: "If you don't want to be the devil, why do you play me?"

Princess: "If no one plays the devil, I will You can leave."

No one: "If I played the devil, how could I let you go..."

How could it be: "I won't let the princess go, I want Watch the excitement."

Excitement: "What are you watching me do?"

What: "You actually want to "fuck" me? Rogue!"

You actually want to do it? : "How can I?"

Me: "What does it have to do with me?"

The Demon King: "Damn! I'm going crazy..."

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Fuck: "Why are you calling me!..."

Crazy: "What do you want me to do?"

You want me: "I don't have anything." I know!"

I didn't know anything: "I didn't know!"

I didn't know: "I'm here! Is someone calling me?"

Someone: "I didn't call you!"

I didn't: "Who called him?"

Someone: "It's unfair... I didn't. .."

I didn't: "I didn't accuse you wrongly..."

You: "I forgive you and you don't dare."

I forgive you. : "Who said I don't dare!?"

Who: "Please...I didn't say anything"

I didn't say anything: "What do you want me to say? ?"

I have nothing: "...you...aren't you my long-lost brother?"

My long-lost brother: "... ...Even with such a long name...I will be called..."

Who: "...I want to leave this place of right and wrong as soon as possible"

Right and wrong: "So this is my territory..."

I don't have anything: "Don't make noise, Allah is talking..."

Don't Noise Ala: "I'm not talking..."

I'm not: "I'm not talking!..."

I'm not saying anything: "-_- "...Let's go... let's go outside and chat..."

Go: "I'm sorry...(cowardly)"

I have nothing: "It's none of your business...flash..." (The two brothers walked out angrily)

It's none of your business: "Ugh...why did you drive me away..."

p>

Why: "I didn't want to drive you away

Let's go...be good...don't cry"

I didn't: "Oh...it's none of my business again"

It's none of my business: "What? Someone is there? Call me?"

Someone: "Who wants to call you..."

Someone: "I really have to leave...T.T"

< p>Leave: "I'm really embarrassed...*V.V*" ("Who "fell to the ground")

None of your business: "...Aren't you my cousin?" < /p>

None of my business: "...Cousin...Long time no see..."

Long time: "I'm not here..."

Devil King: "Are you done?"

Ended: "He doesn't have me"

You guys: "I don't have him"

Me: "Who said that?"

Who: "What do you want me to do?"

You: "You actually want to fuck me?"

You: "I don't know how to fuck him"

Me: "Who said I can't do it?"

Who: "It's unfair! I didn't say..."

Say: "What do you want me to do?"

You two: "You two are so shameless!"

You two: "I want it! I want it!"

Face: "Who wants me?"

Who: "I don't want it"

Devil: "Hurry up, I'm going to chase you away"

People: "Kick me out? Looking for K"

K: "Who is looking for me?"

Who: "aaaaaaa! Don't mention my name, I will kill him if you mention it again !"

He: "Don't kill me"

Me: "Who wants to kill me?"

Who: "Finally let me catch one, Kill me..."

One: "Don't arrest me"

Me: "I've had enough. If anyone mentions my name again, I will never let you go. !"

Who: "Look at my Eighteen Dragon-Subduing Palms!"

Me: "Look at my Nine-Yin White Bone Claws!"

Subdued Dragon Eighteen Palms: "What's good about me?"

Nine Yin White Bone Claw: "What's good about me?"

What's good about me: "Brother, I finally found it You!"

What's cool: "Brother, let's go out and chat."

Devil King: "Damn...this is a marriage recognition meeting..."

p>

In the end, the devil suffered from schizophrenia

I was bored and surfed the Internet, and my money was about to be laid off.

I went online, fell in love online, and my naive mind was deceived.

I fell in love online, I became invested, and my relationship went to a dead end.

I got involved, met in person, and no more phone calls than before.

We met, regretted it, and the girl turned into a devil.

I regret it, I am unlucky, and my emotional investment has been wasted.

If you don’t take a shower during spring sleep, you will smell smelly feet everywhere. The big bear came at night and was defeated by athlete's foot.

With the moonlight in front of your bed, eating shit is the healthiest thing. After X-ray, my butt was covered with sores.

I pull at people when I see them, when cars break down, I don’t look handsome, and I kick anyone I don’t like!

The 20 latest slips of the tongue that make you laugh out loud

1. Senior sister from college, majoring in educational psychology. She was late... walked into the classroom. She glanced sideways at the blackboard. The old professor was angry , and asked the senior sister to answer the question on the blackboard. The senior sister hesitated for a long time and said: "[Sexy and sexual theory], this is too difficult to talk about." The whole class jumped on their feet.

(Note. Professor's original question: [On rationality and sensibility])

2. I heard from my classmates,

Once a girl in their dormitory went to buy sanitary napkins,

said to the boss: Pack sanitary napkins.

The boss actually asked: Do you want fresh food or spicy food?

Then the classmate was stunned for a moment and said: Let’s have three fresh dishes, I’m afraid I won’t be able to stand the spicy food. . .

3. I have a classmate who has been reviewing for the computer level 3 test. One day while playing football, another classmate dribbled the ball to the bottom line. He just heard him shout: Enter! Enter! (Crossing)

4. When I was in college, I heard a girl ordering: Master, stir-fry a plate of hot and sour potato shreds, without the potatoes!

5. When I was in college, a teacher gave a lecture and talked about a new type of material. He said: "The sexual function of this material is incomparable to old materials... Oh, no, performance and function... ”

6. One day when I was eating at a rice noodle shop, I was very slow and very hungry.

Finally I couldn’t hold it in any longer, and I slapped the table and roared. I originally wanted to say that if I didn’t get the rice noodles, I would throw the table away. Lifted!

The result was: "Boss!!!! If you don’t serve rice noodles, I will eat the table!!!!"

The whole store was silent for 3 seconds and then burst into laughter under the table... It’s embarrassing ...

7. My parents were quarreling, and my dad said angrily: "I'll get you out of here!"

8. I once went to buy mutton skewers

I stretched out 4 fingers and said to the boss, "Here are three mutton skewers."

The boss was confused, "How many?"

I stretched out 3 fingers and said, " 4"...

9. Our general manager's surname is Zhou. Once he called me while I was driving. When I was nervous, I opened my mouth and said: "Premier Zhou..."

10. Once I helped my boss book a hotel and wanted to ask if they had any services such as free Internet access, but I couldn’t think of a good way to say it, so I asked the other person: “Excuse me, do you have any special services here?”

The other party: "What? We are a regular hotel with special services!"

-__-!!!!

11. Queuing in the cafeteria, I heard someone next to me The boy said: "Master, let me have a bowl of 'bullet cauliflower' soup!" (seaweed and egg drop soup) Haha, I laughed so much that I sprayed soup.

12. When I was cooking at noon, my mother gave me a pot of carrots: "Go, cut the carrots into diced meat!"

13. Yesterday, a colleague asked me. How to write the festival section? I answered: Add a festive stanza under the prefix "草" and remove the prefix "草"! Everyone burst into laughter! I didn’t react for a while~~~~~~~!

14. The physics teacher talked about waves: "This is a thick spring. I push it from both ends. Look, it Has it become dense (constipated)? ”

15. Boss, do you have a toilet paper card?

16. Some of our colleagues are on a business trip, and the dealer invites them to dinner. If you need to urinate during the meal, the dealer said there is a restroom opposite. If you go there, if you tell the door, we are eating across the street and it will be free. In order to save two cents, our colleague walked straight away and confidently said to the toilet man: "I'm here to eat!"

17. I work in the logistics department. During the Chinese New Year, the customer called I came here to check when the pre-holiday goods would arrive. Because the past few days during the holiday were so confusing, I couldn’t figure out the contents of the order, so I asked casually: What are you?

18. I have a friend who has just watched "The Legend of the Condor Heroes" and is very interested in the "dog-beating stick method" and often makes jokes with others.

One day, he did it again as usual. He kicked someone and shouted: "Kick the dog!" Everyone laughed wildly, and he felt embarrassed, so he kicked him again and shouted: "Kick the dog!"

19. I am in high school I went out to work during the holidays

I wanted to find a job as a waiter in a restaurant

Because I was still a child and it was my first time to work, so I was very nervous

< p>I originally wanted to ask the manager if he needed any part-time workers, but I thought it would be more subtle to ask if he needed any manpower.

The result was: "Manager, do you need any helpers here?"

I almost found a hole to crawl in

0. Once I went to the market to buy vegetables and prepare for a dinner. A Korean friend bought lettuce for 2.4 yuan. He gave all the change he had to the vendor. , he still lacked a dime, so he said to the hawker--

"I gave you all my hair, so there is no more hair."

The hawker was silent for a long time, and then answered --

"I don't want your hair anymore."

Jokes from "Fifteen"

1. Due to the pressure of life, the cat made fun of the fox Tuberose hair salon seating. One day, the mouse came to the hair salon and asked for a night stay, but the cat refused to comply.

The mouse said angrily: "I was chased to death in the beginning, but now I am sent to my doorstep, and I am still pretending to be serious"

2. The doctor asked the patient how he broke the bone. The patient said, "I felt there was sand in my shoes, so I shook my shoes by holding on to the telephone pole." Damn, a bastard passed by there and thought I was electrocuted, so he picked up a wooden stick and gave me two sticks!

3. In the biology class, the teacher asked: How can we correctly distinguish the hands and feet of an octopus? Student answer: Let it smell the fart. The one who will cover the nose is the hand, and the others are the feet. The whole class fell down.

4. One person keeps farting loudly at work, and his colleagues can’t help but say: Can you not make any noise? Then I saw him sitting there shaking. A colleague asked him what he was doing, and he replied: I have set it to vibration now!

5. Someone was riding a bicycle and heard a passerby yelling: go, go, go... I thought, damn, I can also sing: Olai Olai... Before he finished speaking, a Planted in a ditch. A passer-by cursed: Damn it! I told you Gou Gou Gou, but you still ride? !Deserved to fall to death!

6. Carp and Turtle went to get their marriage certificate. The clerk asked the turtle his age, and the turtle said: 100. The clerk said regretfully: I'm sorry, but according to your family's rules, you are still underage and are not allowed to get married.

7. A couple came to a wishing well. The husband bent down, made a wish and threw a coin into the well. The wife also wanted to make a wish, but when she bent over she accidentally fell into the well. The husband was shocked, then smiled and said to himself: "It's so damn clever!"

8. A couple was fishing by the river. The lady was always noisy, and after a while the fish took the bait, and the lady said: This fish is really pitiful. The husband said: Yes, as long as you shut up, won't it be fine?

9. The science teacher asked: "Why is the body cold after death?" No one answered. The teacher asked again: "Doesn't anyone know?" At this time, someone from the back of the classroom said: "That's because the mind is naturally cool when you are calm."

10. The spider loved the ant deeply, but when he expressed his love, he was attacked Rejected, the spider yelled: "Why? Why is all this happening?" The ant said timidly: "My mother said that those who stay on the Internet all day long are not good people!"

11. Xiaoguang is a A diligent student, he used his winter vacation to work part-time to earn tuition. During the day, he helped a butcher cut meat, and at night he worked as an intern at the hospital. One night, an old woman had an emergency and needed surgery. Xiaoguang pushed her into the operating room. The old woman shouted in panic: "Oh my God! You are the pig killer, where are you going to push me!

12. The men's and women's toilets in the school are connected. A girl forgot to bring toilet paper when she went to the toilet. , when I was embarrassed, toilet paper came from the men's room next door, and the girl turned pale and asked loudly, "Who?" ". The boy next door replied in a low and powerful voice: "Lei Feng. "

13. A person felt like vomiting when he first got on the plane. The stewardess took an empty bag, and when it was almost full, she went to get another bag and told "don't vomit". When I came back, I saw it all over the place. I asked why, He replied: "I saw it was almost full, so I took another sip, and everyone around me vomited..."

14. When a woman is 8 years old, you have to make up stories to coax her to sleep. When she is 18, you have to make up stories. Use stories to trick her into sleeping with you. At 28, she will sleep with you without telling you. At 38, she will make up stories to trick you into sleeping with her. At 48, you have to make up stories not to sleep with her.

15. Tiger Reading. After arriving in the Three Kingdoms, I went to catch wild boars. I saw no pigs in the pig nest. I touched my beard and said: Empty City Trick! I turned around and saw a dead pig on the animal trap. I was shocked: Bitter Meat Trick! Suddenly I saw you again. I was overjoyed: Oh, there is also a beauty trap. ?!

Top Ten Classic Jokes

When the nurse saw the patient drinking in the ward, she walked over and whispered: "Be careful! The patient smiled and said, “Baby. ”

2. A sister-in-law saw a man who was about to get off the bus drop a pack of cigarettes on the pedal, so she quickly said to the man: Comrade, you dropped your cigarette. ! The man was furious: You just got castrated!

3. A man was constipated when he suddenly saw someone rushing in. "Brother, I envy you for being so fast." "What are you jealous of? I didn't take off my pants."

4. A company is recruiting, and the English name of the next girl to be interviewed is "spring".

The secretary wanted to take the opportunity to show off her English proficiency and shouted: "Hi! That one named 'Chun', it's your turn!"

5. On the bus, the pregnant woman standing next to her The strange man sitting there said: Don’t you know I’m pregnant? The man looked very nervous and said: But the child is not mine!

6. Civilians: Are there military prostitutes in the army? Army: Yes, how can we do it without military discipline? People: Really! Do you have to pay? Military: How much money do you need? Our military disciplines are all handed down from above.

7. Female secretary: "Boss, your wife called, and she said she wanted to kiss you on the phone." Boss: "You collect it for me first, and come over and give it to me later."

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8. Mrs. Wang is pregnant with quadruplets and shows off to her neighbors everywhere, saying that it is not easy to conceive quadruplets, and it takes an average of 60,000 times for one to occur. Mrs. Li was surprised: Do you still have time to do housework?

9. The child is thinking about issues related to "heredity and environment". The mother interjected: "This question is very simple. Everyone knows that if a child is like his father, it is genetic; if he is like his neighbors, it is environment."

10. Junichiro Koizumi visited the farm, and reporters took a photo A picture of him in a pigsty with pigs. In the newspaper the next day, there was a postscript next to it: The third person from the left is Comrade Junichiro Koizumi.