Are there any optimistic jokes?

Country A has developed a water-jet toilet. Once, the emissary of country B came to country A and used their toilet, which made him feel very comfortable. So country B also wants to develop a water-jet toilet and show off to the emissary of country A: We also have a water-jet toilet! But the angel of country A will come the next day, and it's too late to make a toilet. ...

The emissary of country A tried the toilet in country B, but I didn't expect it not only to spray water, but also to wipe my ass with a towel. To understand its structure, the messenger stood up and pressed the button again. I saw two hands stretched out in the toilet with sprinklers and towels. ...

Three Little Pigs

One day, the wolf wanted to eat three little pigs. Two of the three little pigs are at the door and one is on the roof. Pig 1 and pig 2 are at the door, and pig 3 is on the roof. Who is the name of pig 1, where is the name of pig 2, and what is the name of pig 3. ) So there was a wonderful dialogue.

Wolf: Who are you?

Pig 1: Right.

Wolf: What?

Pig 1: What's on the roof?

Wolf: I mean what's your name?

Pig 1: My name is "Who" and "What" is on the roof!

The wolf asked Pig 2 again: Who are you?

Pig 2: I'm not a "who", he is a "who". (pointing to pig 1)

Wolf: You know him?

Pig 2: Hmm!

Wolf: Who is he?

Pig 2: Yes.

Wolf: What?

Pig 2: What's on the roof!

Wolf: Where?

Pig 2: "Where" is me.

Wolf: Who?

Pig 2: Who is he? (pointing to the pig again 1)

Wolf: How should I know?

Pig 2: Who are you looking for?

Wolf: What?

Pig 2: He's on the roof?

Wolf: Where?

Pig 2: It's me.

Wolf: Who?

Pig 2: I'm not a "who", he is a "who".

Wolf: Good heavens!

Pig 1.2: "My God" is our father.

Wolf: What, your father is?

Pig 2: No!

The wolf couldn't stand it anymore and sighed: Why?

Pig 1.2.3: Do you know our grandfather?

Wolf: What?

Pig 1: No, our grandfather is "why".

Wolf: Why?

Pig 1: Yes!

Wolf: What's this?

Pig 1: There is no "why".

Wolf: Who?

Pig 1: Who am I?

Wolf: Who are you?

Pig 1: Yes, who am I?

Wolf: What?

Pig 1.2: He is on the roof. …………

Reasons for arrest

Someone shouted, "The President is an idiot! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! As a result, he was arrested, but the charge was not "insulting the president" but "revealing state secrets"!

original idea

Someone sent a message to a friend saying, "I want to send you a red envelope!" " "He was happy, but later he was unhappy. The next page of the original text message reads: "I sent a mosquito. "

antonym

One day, when the teacher came into the classroom, the students stood up and shouted, "Good morning, teacher!" " "

The teacher said angrily, "Good morning? What shall I do in the afternoon? Not good? "

So the students shouted together: "Good afternoon, teacher!" "

The teacher said angrily, "What about my evening?"

The students shouted together again: "Good evening, teacher!" "

The teacher nodded and said, "That's it. Now shout it again! " "

The students shouted: "Good morning, teacher, good afternoon and good evening!" "

The teacher said, "Sit down! Today we are going to review antonyms. Let's practice like this. When I say something, you say the antonym loudly. Start now. "

Teacher: "The weather is fine today."

Student: "The weather is terrible today."

Teacher: "There is sunshine everywhere."

Student: "There are clouds everywhere."

Teacher: "The road is crowded with people."

Student: "There is no one on the road."

Teacher: "Young."

Student: "Old."

Teacher: "Stand."

Student: "Lie down"

Teacher: "There is a young man standing on the road."

Student: "There is an old man lying on the road."

Teacher: "I found a dollar."

Student: "I lost a dollar."

Teacher: "I found a dollar and gave it to the teacher."

Student: "I stole a teacher and lost a dollar."

Teacher: "No, you can't say that!" " "

Student: "Correct, you should say so!" " "

Teacher: "Wrong."

Student: "Correct."

Teacher: "that won't do, it's illegal!" " "

Student: "This is ok, this is a legal act!" " "

Teacher: "I was wrong."

Student: "We are right."

Teacher: "Listen to the teacher, what the teacher said is right!" " "

Student: "Listen to us, everything the teacher said is wrong!" " "

Teacher: "You are so stupid."

Student: "We are very smart."

Teacher: "Stop!"

Student: "Go on!"

Teacher: "You stop now! Stop it! "

Student: "Go on now! Say it! "

Teacher: "You stupid pigs, I said stop!" " "

Student: "We are all geniuses, we say go on!" " "

Teacher: "You listen to the teacher!" " "

Student: "The teacher listens to us!" " "

Teacher: "all students have to listen to the teacher!" " "

Student: "The teacher should listen to the students!" " "

Teacher: "now you stop practicing!" " "

Student: "Now let's continue to practice!" "

Teacher: "Are you endless?"

Student: "We finish what we started!" "

Teacher: "Then stop! Stupid pig! "

Student: "Then we should continue! Genius! "

..... Then the teacher walked out of the classroom angrily with a book in his arms.

misunderstand

One day, a blind man and a lame man rode out on business. The blind ride a horse, and the lame watch the road. At this time, a deep ditch suddenly appeared on the road. The lame man exclaimed, "ditch, ditch, ditch!" " "As a result, the blind man thought he was singing, so he sang back:" Oh, oh, oh, oh! ""As a result, the blind and the lame fell into the ditch together!

The consequences of not understanding

A prostate doctor met an airplane pilot and had to make gestures because of different languages.

The doctor made a gesture of "1".

The driver made a gesture of "5".

The doctor made a "small" gesture.

The driver made a big gesture.

The doctor made a gesture of "putting down".

The driver made a gesture of "going up".

The doctor came home and said, "There's something wrong with that man! I said that men's prostate is small and drooping. He said that men have five big upward prostates! ! ! "

The driver came home and said, "There is something wrong with that man! I said there are five planes in our airport. The airport is very big, and the plane flies upwards. He said there was only one plane at their airport. The airport is small, the plane flies down! ! ! "

American children ask China children: "How do you say thank you and you're welcome in Chinese?"

"Thank you, you're welcome."

"You talk nonsense! How can someone say "teacher teacher" but not "cow excrement teacher"? ! "

The boss said to his subordinates, "Report (money) in advance."

"I want to be a turtle." "But it turned into kelp."

"Who should I imitate?" "It's all bad."

"I want to drink some water." "Don't drink too fast."

"I want to fly quickly." "But the stewardess is embarrassed."

"Today is really unlucky." "You really suck."

"You are quite right." "You are very good."

I'm looking at how many prostitutes accompany their clients in the bed of a brothel.

I want to be indecent and then get angry ...

One day, the devil caught the princess.

Devil: "Just scream ... no one will come to save you ..."

Princess: "Broken throat ... broken throat ..."

No one: "Princess ... I'm coming to save you ..."

Devil: "Say that Cao Cao will be here ..."

Cao *: "Devil .. Why did you call me ..."

Demon: "Wow ... seeing a ghost"

Ghost: "Shit! Was discovered .. "

Shit: "Ghost, can you see me ..."

Devil: "Oh, my God! 」

God: "Who called me? 」

Who: "Nobody called you ..."

Nobody said, "Where am I? Play dumb! 」

Garlic: "Who is pretending to be me? 」

Who: "It's me again? Are you looking for trouble? 」

Trouble: "which one is looking for me?" 」

Which one: "Looking for you? I didn't ... hey, there are so many people here. "

Many people: "I just arrived … who are you?" ? 」

Which one: "I'm not who."

Who: "He's not me."

Princess: "Is everyone here to save me? 」

Everyone said, "I'm not here to save you, I'm here to watch the fun."

Lively: "What do I have to see? 」

God: "It's none of my business. Let's go first. "

Devil: "You answer a question before you go. Why do so many people save the princess? " ? How can I play this demon king? 」

Go down: "You good devil won't do it, what shall I do?" 」

Princess: "If no one hits the devil, I can go."

No one: "If I play the devil, how can I let you go ..."

How come: "I won't let the princess go, I want to watch the excitement."

Lively: "What are you looking at me for? 」

What: "You want to fuck me? Rogue! 」

How dare you: "I didn't? 」

Me: "What does it have to do with me?" 」

Devil: "Shit! I'm going crazy ... "

Shit: "What am I doing? ...」

Madman: "What do you want me to do? 」

You want me to say, "I don't know anything! 」

I don't know anything: "I don't know! 」

I don't know: "I'm here! Is someone calling me? 」

Someone said, "I didn't call you! 」

I didn't say, "Who called him? 」

Who: "Wrong ... I didn't ..."

I didn't say, "I haven't wronged you ..."

You: "I dare you."

I dare you: "Who says I dare not! ? 」

Who: "please ... I didn't say anything."

I have nothing: "What do you want me to say? 」

I am nothing: "... you ... aren't you my long-lost brother?" ”」

My long-lost brother: "Kao ... my name is very long ... I will be called ..."

Who: "... I want to leave this troublesome place. "

True or false: "So this is my place ..."

I am nothing &; No: "Don't make any noise. We are talking ... "

Don't argue with Allah: "I'm not talking ..."

I didn't: "I didn't speak! ...」

I am nothing: "-_-"... go ... let's talk outside ... "

Go: "I'm sorry ... (wriggle)"

I have nothing: "It's none of your business ... Go away ..." (Two brothers go out angrily)

It's none of your business: "Whoops ... why did you kick me out ..."

Why: "I don't want to kick you out ... listen ... don't cry."

I didn't say, "Oh ... What does it have to do with me?"

None of my business: "What? Did anyone call me? 」

Someone said, "Who wants to call you ..."

Who: "I really have to go ... T.T." "

Go: "I'm really embarrassed ... *V.V*" ("Who" collapsed)

None of your business: "... aren't you my cousin?" ”」

It's none of my business: "... cousins of the same age (or cousins) ... long time no see ..."

For a long time: "I'm not here ..."

Devil: "Are you finished? 」

Endless: "He doesn't have me."

You: "I don't have him."

I just said, "Who said that? 」

Who: "What do you want me to do? 」

Do you want to fuck me? 」

You: "I won't fuck him."

I said, "Who said I wouldn't? 」

Who: "Wrong! I didn't say ... "

He said, "What should I do? 」

? "You two are shameless! 」

You two: "I want it! I want it! 」

Face: "Who wants me? 」

Who: "I don't want it."

Devil: "Hurry up, or I'll kick people out."

Man: "Kick me out? Looking for k "

K: "Who wants to see me? 」

Who: "aaaaaaa! Don't mention my name, mention me again! 」

He said, "Don't trust me."

Me: "Who wants me? 」

Who: "I finally caught one. Kill it. "

One: "Don't arrest me."

Me: "I've had enough, too. Whoever mentions my name again will never let you go! 」

Who said, "Look at my eighteen dragon palms! 」

Me: "Look at my nine yin bones and claws! 」

Eighteen palms of dragon descending: "What am I to see? 」

Jiuyin Bones Claw: "What am I to see? 」

What's there to see: "Brother, I finally found you! 」

What's there to see? "Brother, let's talk outside."

Devil: "Shit ... this is an engagement meeting ..."

Finally, the devil suffered from schizophrenia.

Boring, surfing the internet, money will be laid off.

Online, online dating, naive mind cheated.

Online dating, devotion, and feelings are dying.

I'm in. I met you. I didn't call before.

Meet, regret, the girl turned into a devil.

Regret, bad luck, emotional investment in vain.

If you don't take a shower in spring sleep, your feet stink everywhere. Bear came at night and lost to Hong Kong Foot.

So at the foot of my bed, eating shit is the healthiest. X-rayed, my ass is covered with sores.

I see people pulling me, my car is broken, I am not handsome, and I will kick anyone who doesn't like it!

1, the old man confessed to his wife before he died: I once had an affair, please forgive me! Wife: What a big deal! You can close your eyes! Which of our children looks like you?

The eagle chased the rabbit, but fell down and died because of the rabbit's words. Do you know what the rabbit said? It shouted to the eagle, "You're not wearing a bra!" Hearing this, the eagle quickly covered his chest, and as a result, ...

3. An electrician walked into the operating room and said to a dying patient wearing an oxygen mask: Hello! Listen, take a deep breath, I need a power outage for five minutes!

4. A factory organizes visits to museums and bathing activities. Director's instructions: lesbians take a bath in the morning and gay men visit. In the afternoon, gay men take a bath and lesbians visit. Be disciplined and don't take pictures!

The mother took her daughter who had just returned from her honeymoon and was deeply myopic to the emergency department of ophthalmology, and said angrily: The man who came back with her is not the one who accompanied her on her honeymoon before!

6. The hunter saw a bird in the sky, fired three shots and missed, but the bird still fell. It turned out that the bird patted its chest and said, scared to death, scared to death!

7. I am the only bachelor in our village. Other men have sterilized their babies. Doctor, you castrated me, too. If a woman is pregnant, I'm afraid I can't take this responsibility.

8.mistress: Are you pregnant? Maid: Yes! Aren't you pregnant, too? The hostess retorted angrily, but I'm pregnant with my husband! The maid agreed happily: Me too!

9. A white man went to the black area to make a campaign speech. In order to win the support of black voters, he blurted out: "Although my skin is white, my heart is as black as yours."

10, a little mouse on the cliff waved its short front paws and jumped down again and again, learning to fly. The mother bat next to her watched her fall and was worried. If her father didn't tell her, it wouldn't be ours!

1 1. An old friend lost his car. When he put the new car downstairs, he locked three locks and put a piece of paper: let you steal it! The next day, the car was not lost, and two locks and a piece of paper were added, which read: Let you ride!

12, a young artist boarded the Great Wall of Wan Li for the first time. He was full of poetry and planned to write a poem, chanting, "The Great Wall, the Great Wall ... is so fucking long!"

13, a 4-year-old boy kissed a 3-year-old girl, and the girl seriously asked, "Will you be responsible for me if you kiss me?" "The boy patted the girl on the shoulder." Don't worry, we're not one or two years old. "

14, a boy's dormitory will last until 3 am, and suddenly I want to discuss a question "What should I say first when I meet a beautiful girl"? A gentleman woke up from a dream and said, Stop talking and let's go to bed!

15, robber: tell me the password of the safe! Don't say kill you! Salesgirl: I won't tell you if you kill me! You ruined me, and I won't tell! The robber looked her up and down and said, you must be beautiful!

16, the art school stipulates that boys are not allowed to fall in love with female models. Xiao Qiang not only talked, but also got the model pregnant. Was known by the school. A few days later, the school announced that Xiao Qiang had been expelled for destroying props.

17, the mother bird burst into tears, and the male bird said angrily: How many times have I told you that this ring was worn by the Bird Research Station, not a wedding ring! I'm not married!

18, a man and his wife are often ambiguous, but they don't see it. A colleague sent a pair of couplets. Part I: As long as life goes by, part II: Even if the head is a little green, part II: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

19, restaurant, female: Are you going to marry me or not? The man was silent. W: Don't think that nobody wants me. If I get angry, I'll find someone to marry here right away! The waiter came over: Miss, you scared away all the guests in our shop.

20. Dude, do you know why I was scolded that day? Seeing the underlined words on the clothes on the pretty girl's chest, I couldn't help reaching out and clicking.

2 1, a woman got on the bus in a one-step skirt, but the skirt was too tight to lift her legs, and she still couldn't untie the two buttons of the skirt. Later, when I saw a man staring at her, I called the hooligan! Man: You are a rogue. You untied us all so quickly!

22. During the airborne exercise, the officer asked: How many recruits are there this year? The little soldier said: Look at your ass when you fall! The officer said, why? The little soldier said, there are footprints on the recruits' ass!

23, guards to comfort the condemned prisoners: Don't be afraid, the water is very strong and fast, and there is no pain. Then there was a scream from the execution ground. Death row inmates are trembling: What's that noise? Guard: The power is out. They switched to candles.

24. Remember? When you went to the TV station to sing a song, four referees and three fell down. Fortunately, a referee came on stage and shook hands with you excitedly and said, talent! It costs money for others to sing, and your singing is fatal!

25. Two dwarfs lived in a hotel, and one of them went to bed early. Listen to the dwarf next door shouting all night: "one, two, three, hey, one, two, three, hey!" " The next day, he boasted, "You are really something. You have been exercising all night. " Answer: "damn, I didn't jump into bed all night!" "

M: I like you very much ... I really like you ... May I kiss you? .. female: shameless ... male: then I will kiss you. ....

27. Several people watched the sunrise, and one pointed to the treetops and said, I saw it. Others also said they saw it. At this time, someone came out from behind the tree with trousers: I saw it when I saw it. What are you yelling about? !

Generally speaking, boys are not allowed to go to the girls' building and must leave before 8 pm. Otherwise, at 8 o'clock, Aunt Lou will shout loudly: Girls, Fujian.

29. The old lady on the bus is afraid that she will stop the bus every time she goes to the station. She has been stabbing the driver with an umbrella. "Is this the exhibition center?" "No, it's ribs!"

30. A village woman went to the market to sell peanuts. When the marketing coordinator charged, she started to run, but she was still caught by the coordinator. The coordinator said, "I wanted to hug you (tax you) yesterday, but I have to hug you (tax you) today."

3 1. I was chatting with a group of female colleagues this afternoon, and suddenly someone said I was not a man. I was angry, I said, you said I wasn't, I showed it to you, and the girls all laughed. One of them is the best, saying, you pay, you pay ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So ... I took out my ID card.

32. Father and son go to the bathhouse to take a bath. The water on the ground is slippery. My son accidentally slipped and grabbed his father's life device before he fell! Father scolded: it's a good thing you came with me. If you come with your mother to see where you are, you will be killed!

Snakes, ants, spiders and centipedes play mahjong at home. After eight laps, the cigarette was finished. Let's discuss who to buy cigarettes for. The snake said, I have no feet. I'm not going. Let the ants go. The ant said: A spider has eight feet, more than mine. Let the spider go. The spider said: I can't beat the centipede with more feet. Release the centipede. The centipede was helpless, thinking: No way, who let me have more feet? So the centipede went out to buy cigarettes ... for more than an hour, the centipede didn't come back. Two hours later, the centipede didn't come back to buy cigarettes. So everyone let the spider go out and have a look. As soon as the spider went out, he saw the centipede sitting at the door. The spider was very angry and asked, why don't you go? Everyone is waiting. The centipede was also anxious and said, nonsense! You have to wait for me to put on my shoes! !