Send a few funny jokes! ~ collection

Xiaoming is walking in the street, and his feet feel pain. Looking down, he stepped on a lemon. .....

Q: Why is the penguin's belly white?

Answer: Because my hands are too short, I can only wash my stomach when I take a shower.

What animal stays up late every day? The answer is panda. My eyes are black. ..

When a polar bear is idle and bored, he pulls out his own hair, one, two, three. ....................................................................................................................................................

Two bananas went shopping in tandem. The banana in front felt very hot when walking, so she took off her clothes. Guess what? -I dropped the banana in the back.

A candy, walking in the North Pole, feels so cold.

-So it turned into rock sugar.

Q: What will happen if Kirin flies to the North Pole?

Ice cream. .

Four people are playing mahjong in the room. The police came, but they took five people. Why?

Because the man they hit is called Mahjong.

One day, Xiao Qiang asked his father, "Dad, am I a stupid child?"

Dad said, "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy?"

Q: Is jiaozi a boy or a girl?

A: Male. Because jiaozi has a foreskin.

Once upon a time there was a great soldier.

His eyes are always cold, his sword is cold, his hands are cold and his heart is even colder. ......

So in the end-he froze!

The matchstick suddenly felt itchy, so I reached out and scratched myself and burned myself to death …

I have a friend who likes Faye Wong very much, because others say he looks like Li.

I fuck your mother! (calcium oxide =CaO)

MM: "What are you doing in bed?"

I said, "I found two eggs. Some people say it's an elephant egg. I'm going to hatch them in bed and sell them to the circus! " "

MM put her hand into the bed with a grain of salt and groped around. Suddenly she cried out in ecstasy, "Oh, dear! It's true! And has begun to hatch, I have touched the elephant's nose ... "

Q: Two people went to the seaside to play, and suddenly a wave swept one away. The person being swept is Xiao Gang, so what's the name of the other person?

A: Call for help!

What is the most transparent sword? Invisibility (sword)

Why can't the plane fly so high and hit the stars?

Because the stars will twinkle. ...

The sperm said, "Oh! Shit! "

Pick your teeth after eating a Grenade. Suddenly, he felt a thorn in his teeth, so he pulled it out ... Three seconds later, the Grenade exploded. ....

[cage]

He made a bet with his friend,

I want to spend the night in a small mountain village with a legend of zombies.

A year ago,

Zombies suddenly broke out in this quiet mountain village.

It is said that a stranger who had an accident near the mountain village, because of resentment, harmed the living everywhere.

In half a year's time, a few residents in the small mountain village escaped cleanly.

This place has also become a famous ghost village.

He doesn't believe in ghosts and gods, let alone zombies.

But he also made some preparations,

A cage is made of thumb-thick steel bars, leaving only a gap of half an inch wide between the fences of the cage.

He sat in the middle of the cage,

Wearing a pair of infrared night vision goggles and holding a shotgun,

Even if zombies do come, they can't get past the cage, so they can only get shot.

His friends left one after another, and he drank some wine and felt a little sleepy.

The evil wind was terrible. He woke up.

Zombies are outside the cage,

First he smiled, and then he suddenly froze.

Then I made the last phone call in my life:

"Damn you, why didn't anyone tell me that this zombie was squashed before he died?"

1. A doctor said to his daughter, "Did you tell your boyfriend that I called him a loser?"

"I told him that he was not angry at all. He said that it is not the first time that you have been misdiagnosed. "

A sergeant is introducing the hard life and service of the army to a group of recruits.

He said seriously, "Soldiers in the army have to work 25 hours a day."

A recruit muttered, "but there are only 24 hours a day!" Sergeant. "

Sergeant rightfully explained:

"What does that have to do? Soldiers can get up an hour early every day! "

3. Art classes in primary schools

The teacher asked everyone to draw what they liked.

A child really doesn't know what to draw.

Just peek at the same table

I saw him scribbling on white paper with black crayons.

Paint one side first, then the other side.

The last two sides are painted black.

This classmate can't help asking

What are you drawing?

...

"laver"

At the dinner party, there are several tables with name tags, and everyone else can sit casually. Then I heard a woman say, "Go and sit in the front, where there is your memorial tablet." I suddenly collapsed. ...

5. Xiaoming was thrown from 13 floor ... why is there nothing ...

Because Xiaoming is a lunch box. ..

During the ten years of Anti-Japanese War, Xiaoming was hungry ... He made jiaozi with human flesh for breakfast ... At school ... He opened the lunch box and found that ... jiaozi was missing two ... He closed the door ... Then he opened it again and lost two ... In this way ... Finally, jiaozi disappeared ... Xiaoming was afraid ... Where is jiaozi? .....

Found it on the lid of the lunch box. ...........

During his eight years in War of Resistance against Japanese Aggression ... Wang Xiaoming lived a carefree life ... Why?

Because Wang Xiaoming is a lunch box. ..................

Wang Xiaoming was thrown from 13 floor again ... Why is it okay?

Because Wang Xiaoming is Xiao Ming. .............

Wang Xiaoming was thrown from 13 floor again ... why?

Because there is no 14 floor. ..........

An adventurer took Xiaoming to the desert .. Why did he come back safely?

Because Xiaoming is a camel. .........

One last question. Later, the adventurer took Xiaoming to the desert .. Why didn't he go back this time?

Because Xiao Ming was thrown from 13 floor and died. ........

Interesting, isn't it?

6. An elderly couple is carefully dividing hamburgers and French fries into two parts in the Burger King. A bus driver sympathized with them and offered to buy a hamburger for the old lady alone. "Never mind, we share everything," said the old man.

A few minutes later, the truck driver found that the old lady had not eaten anything. "I really don't mind buying food for your wife," the driver insisted.

"He will eat." The old man promised that

The truck driver didn't believe it, so he asked the old lady, "Why don't you eat?"

"Because I'm waiting to use my false teeth." The old lady said.

Doctor: Did you take my advice and sleep with the window open?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: So your asthma has completely disappeared?

Patient: No, but my watch, TV, ipod and laptop are all gone.

8. A business executive visited a friend in China who was ill in hospital.

"Li Kaiyang Guan Qi," the patient said weakly.

The business director wants to help him, but he doesn't know what he means.

"Li Kaiyang Guan Qi," the patient said again before he died.

At the end of that year, the supervisor went to Shanghai for a business trip and finally understood that "Li Kaiyang Guan Qi" means "leaving the oxygen pipe".

9. The Indian asked the new chief if it was cold in winter. Since the new chief didn't learn how to judge the weather from his ancestors at all, he called the National Weather Service and asked his department to collect firewood.

"Will this winter be very bad?" Asked the chief,

"It looks like this." The meteorological bureau responded.

So the chief asked his people to collect more firewood. A week later, he called the weather bureau again.

"Are you sure it will be cold this winter?"

"I tell you, this year will be the coldest winter in history." The other party replied.

"How do you know?"

"Because the Indians are frantically collecting firewood."

One day, the devil took the princess away and she kept screaming.

Demon: [screaming at your throat] ... no one will come to save you ...]

Princess: [broken throat] ... broken throat ...]

No one: "Princess ... I'm coming to save you ..."

Devil: "Speak of the devil and he will come ..."

Cao Cao: "Devil .. Why did you call me ..."

Demon: "Wow ... seeing a ghost"

Ghost: "Shit! Was discovered .. "

Shit: "Ghost, can you see me ..."

Devil: "Oh, my God! 」

God: "Who called me? 」

Who: "Nobody called you ..."

Nobody said, "Where am I? Play dumb! 」

Garlic: "Who is pretending to be me? 」

Who: "It's me again? Are you looking for trouble? 」

Trouble: "which one is looking for me?" 」

Which one: "Looking for you? I didn't ... hey, there are so many people here. "

Many people: "I just arrived. Who are you? 」

Which one: "I'm not who."

Who: "He's not me."

Princess: "Is everyone here to save me? 」

Everyone said, "I'm not here to save you, I'm here to watch the fun."

Lively: "What do I have to see? 」

God: "It's none of my business. Let's go first. "

Devil: "You answer a question before you go. Why do so many people save the princess? " ? How can I play this demon king? 」

Go down: "You good devil won't do it, what shall I do?" 」

Princess: "If no one hits the devil, I can go."

No one: "If I play the devil, how can I let you go ..."

How come: "I won't let the princess go, I want to watch the excitement."

Lively: "What are you looking at me for? 」

What: "You want to fuck me? Rogue! 」

How dare you: "I didn't? 」

Me: "What does it have to do with me?" 」

Devil: "Shit! I'm going crazy ... "

Shit: "What am I doing? ...」

Madman: "What do you want me to do? 」

You want me to say, "I don't know anything! 」

I don't know anything: "I don't know! 」

I don't know: "I'm here! Is someone calling me? 」

Someone said, "I didn't call you! 」

I didn't say, "Who called him? 」

Who: "Wrong ... I didn't ..."

I didn't say, "I haven't wronged you ..."

You: "I dare you."

I dare you: "Who says I dare not! ? 」

Who: "please ... I didn't say anything."

I have nothing: "What do you want me to say? 」

I am nothing: "... you ... aren't you my long-lost brother?" ”」

My long-lost brother: "Kao ... my name is very long ... I will be called ..."

Who: "... I want to leave this troublesome place. "

True or false: "So this is my place ..."

I am nothing &; No: "Stop arguing, we are talking ..."

Don't bother us: "I won't talk ..."

I didn't: "I didn't speak! ...」

I have nothing to say: "-_-\ \ \" ... Let's go out and talk ... "

Go: "I'm sorry ... (wriggle)"

I have nothing: "It's none of your business ... Go away ..." (Two brothers go out angrily)

It's none of your business: "Whoops ... why did you kick me out ..."

Why: "I don't want to kick you out ... listen ... don't cry."

I didn't say, "Oh ... What does it have to do with me?"

None of my business: "What? Did anyone call me? 」

Someone said, "Who wants to call you ..."

Who: "I really have to go ... T.T." "

Go: "I'm really embarrassed ... *V.V*"

None of your business: "... aren't you my cousin?" ”」

It's none of my business: "... cousins of the same age (or cousins) ... long time no see ..."

For a long time: "I'm not here ..."

Devil: "Are you finished? 」

Endless: "He doesn't have me."

You: "I don't have him."

I just said, "Who said that? 」

Who: "What do you want me to do? 」

Do you want to fuck me? 」

You: "I won't fuck him."

I said, "Who said I wouldn't? 」

Who: "Wrong! I didn't say. "

He said, "What should I do? 」

? "You two are shameless! 」

You two: "I want it! I want it! 」

Face: "Who wants me? 」

Who: "I don't want it."

Devil: "Hurry up, or I'll kick people out."

Man: "Kick me out? Looking for k "

K: "Who wants to see me? 」

Who: "aaaaaaa! Don't mention my name, mention me again! 」

He said, "Don't trust me."

Me: "Who wants me? 」

Who: "I finally caught one and killed it ..."

One: "Don't arrest me."

Me: "I've had enough, too. If anyone mentions my name again, I will never let you go! 」

Who said, "Look at my eighteen dragon palms! 」

Me: "Look at my nine yin bones and claws! 」

Eighteen palms of dragon descending: "What am I to see? 」

Jiuyin Bones Claw: "What am I to see? 」

What's there to see: "Brother, I finally found you! 」

What's there to see? "Brother, let's talk outside."

Devil: "Shit ... this is an engagement meeting ..."

It is said that the lich king has suffered from schizophrenia since then.

Do you think this is the end of the joke? In fact, this shows that people are lazy, and this has an ending! Now I'll tell you the ending, don't be moved to tears!

Ending:

It is said that after the devil's schizophrenia was cured, he caught the princess again.

This time, the lich king decided to cut to the chase, to make a long story short, in order to avoid others running out to spoil the game again, and cut to the chase directly. .....

Devil: "Stop struggling! Listen to me and marry me! 」

Princess: "All right! 」

So "I" happily took the princess's hand and walked into the wedding hall, accepting all the blessings, leaving only the demon king with his mouth open like a hippo and his body stupefied. ......

Scene 1]

Teacher: To be honest, do you smoke?

Boy a: no.

Teacher: No? Well, French fries, please.

A naturally stretched out two fingers and took it. ...

Teacher: No? ! Call your parents ...

[Scene 2]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy b: no.

Teacher: No? Well, French fries, please.

B took the French fries carefully with her palm, because she heard about A.

Teacher: Aren't you going to dip in some ketchup?

B accidentally dipped too much, so he immediately flicked it with his finger. ...

Teacher: The posture of playing ash is very skillful. Call your parents ...

[Scene 3]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy c: no.

Teacher: no, ok, I'll have French fries.

Because of the first two examples, C carefully finished the French fries with sweat.

Teacher: Aren't you going to take a root home for your classmates?

C picked up the French fries and put them in his ear. ...

Teacher: No? Call your parents ...

[Scene 4]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy d: no.

Teacher: Good. Have a French fries.

Eating French fries in fear.

Teacher: Aren't you going to take a root home for your classmates?

D carefully put the chips in his upper pocket again.

The teacher suddenly shouted: The headmaster is coming!

D quickly took French fries out of his pocket and threw them on the ground, stepping on them with his feet. ...

Teacher: No? ! Call your parents ...

[Scene 5]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy e: no,

Teacher: Good. Have a French fries.

E just took French fries, and the teacher said, won't you invite me to eat?

E hurriedly handed me the French fries with both hands and then took out a lighter. ...

Teacher: No? ! Call your parents

[Scene 6]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy f: no.

Teacher: Eat French fries.

After the boy F finished eating, the teacher asked: What brand do you like to eat?

Boy F proudly said: Of course: Greater China!

Teacher: Call my parents!

[Scene 7]

Teacher: Eat French fries.

Boy n: no, thanks.

The teacher fainted.