Collect jokes and make yourself laugh

I remember one day not long after graduation, my girlfriend sent me a text message: "Let's break up!" Before I had time to feel sad, my girlfriend sent another text: "I'm sorry, I sent it to the wrong one." Now I feel completely sad...

A mental patient screamed: I am the president, you all have to listen to me. The attending doctor asked him: Who said that? Patient: God said so. Hearing this, a patient next to him suddenly jumped up: I never said that!

The fish said: "I open my eyes all the time so that I won't leave you." The water said: "I flow tirelessly all day long just to surround you and hold you tightly." Guo said: "It's almost fucking ripe and there's so much nonsense."

There is another even stronger dream talk. Late one night, I suddenly woke up and heard someone gibbering - Brother Yide , Help me mount my horse (Romance of the Three Kingdoms) Five minutes later - Good head, I wonder who will chop it off? (Romance of the Sui and Tang Dynasties) Five minutes later - Xiao Li's Flying Knife is indeed well-deserved! (Xiao Li Fei Dao) Five minutes later-different dimension space! (If I remember correctly, it should be Saint Seiya) Five minutes later - hum, hey, hahahaha (according to my guess, it may be Yagami's three-part smile...) I really want to know what he was dreaming about

A classmate of a friend wanted to hang out with a girl during evening self-study, so he went up and asked, "Classmate, what time is it now?" The girl looked at her watch: "Eight-thirty." The guy said with a surprised look on his face: "Ah~~ My watch is also half past eight. Do you think we are destined for each other?!"

The ant and the elephant got married, but the elephant died within a few days. The ant was very sad. While crying, he scolded: "My dear, why are you walking ahead of me? I don't have to do anything else in my life, so I'll just bury you.

Golf His hand accidentally hit the ball on an ant hill. He swung the ball hard and missed, killing many ants. His second swing missed again and killed more ants. "Quick, come with me! cried an ant to its panicked comrades, "as long as we can climb that ball, we will be safe." "

What are you looking at

Female: "What are you looking at? "

Male: "Your eyes. ”

Female: “It seems like more than once.” ”

Male: “Do you know why?” "

Female: (smiling coquettishly)...

Male: "Because you have me in your eyes! "

God loves you

Moonlight night, in the park.

Girl: "There is no woman more unfortunate than me, and no one loves me." ”

Young man: “But there is someone who loves you very much.” ”

Girl: “Ah, who is it?” "At the same time, he held the young man's hand tightly.

The young man: "God! "

Slow response

On a bench in the park, a pair of lovers were cuddling.

The man asked: "Can I kiss you?" "

The woman did not answer.

The man asked again: "Can you let me kiss you?" ”

The woman still didn’t answer.

The man became angry: “Hey, are you deaf?” "

The woman shouted: "Are you dead? "

Reason for liking

The mother was talking to her son about his girlfriend. The mother asked: "Why does she like you?

Why does she like you? "

"That's simple," the son said modestly, "she thinks I'm handsome, capable, smart, and funny..."

"That Why do you like her? ”

“I just like that she thinks I’m handsome, capable, smart, and funny. "

Restore

A: "After being introduced by someone, I went on blind dates ten times in a row, and finally met someone

who I was destined for. ”

B: “Destined?” How to say? ”

A: “He was the person I went on a blind date with for the first time.” ”

Go home and get your pajamas

One day, a young man went to his girlfriend’s house to play. When he was leaving, it started to rain heavily

The girlfriend persuaded him to stay. She spent the night and then went to prepare the bedclothes.

When she was ready and walked out, her boyfriend was gone. More than an hour later, the young man who was soaked like a drowned rat came back. His girlfriend asked in surprise: "Where have you been?"

The young man replied out of breath: "I...I went home to get my pajamas."

This is a date

A shy young man told his mother that he was going on a date with a girl.

Half an hour later, he came back.

The mother asked: "How was the discussion?"

"It went very well."

"Have you met her?"

"Of course she did," he chuckled, "but if

I didn't hide behind the tree, she would have seen me too."

Hint

An old maid said to her new boyfriend: "Last night, I dreamed

that you proposed to me."

"How did you express it? ?”

“I accept your proposal”

Bet

A young man walked up behind a girl and covered her eyes with his hands.

Jing said: "If you can't guess who I am, then just let me kiss you. Quickly

Say three names!"

"Louis X Six? ...Isn’t it? Victor Hugo?… Napoleon? Then you win! ”

Look again

A young man went to visit his girlfriend at her home. My girlfriend's parents deliberately stayed away, leaving them alone in the living room to talk about love. When they were kissing, the young man found his girlfriend's little sister standing at the door and watching curiously.

"Little sister, you go to bed, I will give you a silver dollar." The young man

said.

The little sister did not ask for money and ran away without saying a word. After a while,

She came back and said: "I have a silver dollar, let me look at it for a while."

The ideal lover

A girl chats with her girlfriend. She said: "It would be great if the advantages of my two lovers could be combined into one - Xiao Zhao is rich, handsome, and witty; and Xiao Li wants to marry me. Wife."

Clever maneuver

In the corner of the park, a young man wanted to kiss his girlfriend.

Unexpectedly, the woman pushed him away and said, "No, I can't do this

before I get married!"

"Then, I I’ll leave you my phone number and please let me know after you get married.” The friend said: "If you insist on not telling your age, I will have to tell others that I have been friends with you forever."

Blow a kiss

The angry father scolded his daughter: "Clara, why did you blow a kiss to that strange young man in public? You are so shameless!"

"Why? ? He blew me a kiss first. If he didn’t throw it back, would you let me keep it? ”

I don’t know.

The girl asked her boyfriend, who was nearly fifty years old: "Honey, how old are you?

You seem to be quite young."

Boyfriend: "I I’m not sure, just tell me how old you are.”

Girl: “Then when were you born?”

Boyfriend: “When you were born, Hun. Damn it, who knows what year it was?"

Lower standards

Female: "You have good conditions in all aspects, why couldn't you make friends before? Girl

Friend?"

Male: "Because I had too high expectations before"

Female: "Then I am honored to be you. girlfriend.

”

Male: “No, now I have lowered my sights.” ”

Marriage

The father and son had a quarrel over their son’s marriage.

At this time, the son’s mother came in to break up the fight. The son pulled his mother over,

Said: "Mom, I have never interfered with your marriage, but why does dad

always interfere with my marriage? ! "

Hot-blooded young man

After donating blood, a man asked: "Is my blood warm

? "

The nurse nodded yes. The man said again: "Can you issue me a certificate?

"

The nurse looked at him doubtfully. The man explained: "My girlfriend often scolds

I am a cold-blooded animal. I want to prove to her that I'm not! "

Level skipping

"Xiao Chen, tell me, has there been any progress in your relationship with Lily

? "

"Not at all. Whenever I tell her that I love her, she quickly diverts the conversation to talk about marriage. "

Follow your mother's teachings

Daughter: "My mother often told me that no matter what you ask of me before getting married

I should answer a The word 'no'. ”

Male (thought for a moment): “Do you mind if I hold your hand?” "

Female: "No. ”

Male: “Don’t you object to me kissing you?” "

Female: "No. ”

Male: “Then, you won’t refuse us to go to bed together, right?” "

Female: "No. ”

Male: “Ah! Long live your mother! "

Virgin Heart

Daughter: "Mom, on the road I walked, there were always a few men staring at me blankly

. ”

Mother: “Then, why not choose another way?” "

Daughter: "If we change the road, there will be no one! "

Half the battle

A: "Hey! How was your date with your girlfriend yesterday? ”

B: “It can be said that half of the success is achieved.” ”

A: “How do you say this?” ”

B: “I went, but she didn’t go. "

Coming in over the wall

The father said to his daughter's suitor: "Didn't I tell you not to enter my house again? "

"Sorry, I came in over the wall this time, hee hee! "

Beautiful wishes

Jack, a bachelor over forty years old, is describing his good wishes to his friends

Wishes: "...I will come back as soon as I get off work. A young, beautiful, gentle and virtuous wife stood in front of me, with delicious food and wine on the table... Do you think this is possible? ”

“Yes. "

"When will it be available? ”

“When you go to the wrong door. ”

An experiment in courtship

On the street, a man with oily hair and powdery face kept staring at a beautiful

girl.

The girl suddenly stopped, turned around and asked him: "Why are you always staring at me? ”

“You are so beautiful, I love you! "He said bluntly.

"I am not beautiful. My sister is in the back, she is so beautiful. "

The man immediately turned around and left, but what he met was an old woman.

"You lied to me! "The man turned around and scolded the girl.

The girl smiled contemptuously: "You lied to me first. "

Getting shorter

On the dance floor, a girl danced with a strange man.

The girl asked: "You are really a magical person. Characters, dance with you

I feel like dances are getting shorter and shorter. "

The man replied: "What's strange about this, the band conductor is

my fiancée.

"

Future Husband

After watching a movie

a woman with slutty behavior said: "I wonder if my future husband will Is he as brave as the male protagonist in this film? "

A gentleman next to him continued: "Miss, I believe your husband must be a hero, because when he decides to marry you, he needs to have superhuman courage

p>

Qi. "

News

The doctor had just finished examining a female patient and confirmed that she was pregnant.

He said: "Madam, I have good news. Tell you. ”

“It’s Miss, not Mrs. "The young woman corrected.

"Oh, miss," the doctor said quickly, "I have bad news for you.

"

The conditions are sufficient

Jones did not dare to propose to his girlfriend in person, so he had to do a

remote test on the phone.

" Li Da, I got an inheritance of five million yuan, a villa, a car, and a yacht. Do you agree to marry me? "

"Of course I promise you, who are you? ”

How to express

Young man: “I love you from the bottom of my heart, I love you more than I can express in words

. ”

Girl: “It’s easy!” It can be expressed as a gift! "

The older the better

A famous actor said to his close friend: "I am almost sixty-five

and I have fifty Thousands of dollars in savings. Now I'm in love with a young

woman. If I tell her that I am only fifty years old, will the possibility of marrying her be greater? "

"I think," the friend replied, "if you told her that you were

eighty years old, then the possibility would be much greater! ”

Just this once

Xiao Chen is passionately in love, but his income is meager and it is difficult to meet his girlfriend

’s material needs.

This day is my girlfriend’s 20th birthday, and it seems that I have to give her some gifts anyway

He raised some money and bought her a gold ring

Meaning, another part of the greeting card reads:

"Dear Zhenzhen, I wish you a happy birthday, and I wish you a happy birthday from today onwards

before we get married. Happy holidays to you! ”

A: “Which egg is the most expensive?” ”

B: “Eggs. ”

A: “No, the face is the most expensive.” I already gave my girlfriend 100,000 yuan, but her mother said that given her daughter’s face, another 100,000 yuan wouldn’t be much. ”

It’s hard to make her smile

A: “My lover is really hard to make her smile.” ”

B: “You are a famous ‘comedian’ in the folk art troupe. I don’t

believe what you say. ”

A: “What I said is all the truth.” "

B: "Then she has been in love with you for so long and she has never laughed once? ”

A: “I laughed once.” ”

B: “Who made her laugh?” ”

A: “My five-digit savings discount! "

Money is marriage

A young man dejectedly took the divorce letter written by his girlfriend to him and asked his girlfriend: "Didn't you say Is it a 'marriage in the past life' that the two of us are in love? Why did you change your mind so quickly? "

My girlfriend said coldly: "Who changed his mind? I have said over and over again that 'money is marriage', but now you don't have the money to buy this or that, so of course there is no chance of marriage! "

Lover's Dream

A pair of lovers went shopping and walked to the door of a gold and silver jewelry store.

The woman said: "Honey, I did it last night I dreamed that you bought me a gold necklace.

"

The man was stunned for a moment and said: "What a coincidence, I had the same dream last night.

In the dream, I had put the gold necklace around your neck. On. "

Believe me

Female: "Dear! Believe me, I love you. ”

Male: “I believe you, you love me when you haven’t met anyone richer than me

. "

Reasons for getting married

A: "Is the young doctor you want to marry rich? ”

B: “Do you believe that I married him for health reasons

! "

Use hardness to fight hardness

A: "Hey, the chorus actress you introduced to me seems to be a very hard-hearted person. people. ”

B: “Hard-hearted?” Ah, diamonds can touch her heart. "

Imagine

Male: "Margot, imagine if I were the Greek shipping king,

would you love me? ”

Female: “No, but I will marry you.” "

What does it mean

Male: "Dear, last night I dreamed of proposing to you. What do you think this

means? ”

Female: “This means you have saved enough money.” "

Change yourself into a dog

Female: "Only a dog can love you for someone like you. ”

Male: “Tell you, I just inherited an inheritance of 10 million yuan.” "

Female: "Woof! Woof woof! "

Feelings

Girl: "Since we met, do you feel..."

Young man: "I feel that my monthly salary is not enough." ”

Create a

A: “What are the conditions for you to find a partner?” ”

B: “My conditions are not high. The man must have a handsome face like an actor

, a strong body like an athlete, a knowledgeable person like a researcher, and a well-decorated home

Like a garden, with a million dollars in bank balance; besides, she is considerate to me like a waiter

"

A: "Oh - your conditions are not high! I asked my neighbor to help you

. ”

B: “What does your neighbor do?” ”

A: “He is a writer. Let him help you create one in your novel. "

Gui

Female: "Getting love is so precious. ”

Male: “It’s so expensive to get love.” ”

Playing football

A football fan enthusiastically boasted to his girlfriend: “To play football

, we must treat it as if we are a lover. The effort of winding. It would be great if a pair of feet could stick to a football like tacky candy. ”

Girlfriend: “Then, just kick him away.” That's really amazing. "

Who are you congratulating

A: "Have you heard about the engagement between me and Miss Wang? ”

B: “I heard about it. If it's true, I'll congratulate you; if it's false, I'll congratulate Miss Wang. "

Thinking of each other

A couple had a "cold war", which was very unpleasant. The husband was soft-hearted. When having dinner

, he saw that his wife was angry and refused to eat. So he quickly served a bowl of rice to his wife

and joked lightly: "Only after you eat this bowl of rice will you have the strength to quarrel with me!" The wife immediately replied: "After eating this bowl of rice, we can no longer quarrel." "

I want to come back

A newlywed couple had a quarrel. In the end, the wife couldn't bear it anymore

Crying and saying: "I'm done with you." ! I'm going to pack my things and go back to my parents' house. ”

“Very well, my dear.

"The husband took out the money and said, "Here, here are the travel expenses."

She took the money, counted it, and then said: "This little money is not enough, I will come back

p>

What about the travel expenses? "

Let's go together

Mr. Paul returned home from get off work and found his wife packing

her luggage.

He asked: " What are you going to do? "

The wife shouted loudly: "I can't stay any longer. We are quarreling all year round. I want to leave this home! "

Paul stood there in confusion, watching his wife walking out

with the suitcase. Suddenly, he ran into the bedroom, grabbed a suitcase from the shelf, and shouted:

“Wait a minute, I can’t stay in this house anymore, I’ll go with you! "

Reason

Two men were chatting while eating in a restaurant.

A: "I have to eat here because my wife doesn't want to do it

Rice. ”

B: “You are so lucky. The reason why I eat here is because my wife must cook herself. "

***Same Hobby

A: "Yesterday my wife discovered that I was hiding private money. ”

B: “Did you have a quarrel?” ”

A: “No. She said that after five years of marriage, she finally discovered our unique sexual hobby. ”

Amazing words

One day, the husband was concentrating on reading at home, while his wife was watching TV. At this time, a message appeared on the TV screen. To a lover, the man said to the woman: "My dear, I have always regarded you as a part of myself. "

The wife was very moved after hearing this. So she said to her husband, who was concentrating on reading

his book: "Hey! What about you, when did you ever regard me as a part of your body? "

The husband hates his wife turning on the TV to interfere with his reading, so he ignores it.

"Hey! I'm asking you! Which part of your body am I?

! "The wife asked again and again.

The husband replied impatiently: "It's the appendix! ”

A friend was selling popsicles in the park during a work-study program, and he was too embarrassed to shout. Suddenly someone shouted: Sell popsicles, sell popsicles. The friend was very happy when he heard this. Then he shouted: Me too, me too.

A gentleman was contacting the bicycle, and a group of people came in front of him. He panicked and shouted: Stop, stop. The pedestrians were stunned and hurriedly stopped. But Mr. His riding skills were too poor and he still hit a pedestrian. The pedestrian got up and got angry: You still told me to stop. Are you aiming?

In the hospital, a family was blessed with a baby boy, and the baby started talking right after he was born. , the child said: "Grandpa. "Grandpa died with a cry. The child said again: "Grandma. "Grandma died with a cry. The child said again: "Dad. "His father screamed and saw that he was not dead. At this time, the child's old uncle screamed and died.

The little girl always showed off her new toys to the little boy. The little boy had nothing to do. , I had to take off my pants and say: You will never have this! The girl also took off her pants and said: My mother said that as long as you have this, you can have as many of those things as you want.

You haven’t waited for the color you like! What?

Stop! The man stopped. In the end, he still bumped into him. The man said, you asked me to stand still so that you can hit me.

A college student was The enemy caught him and tied him to a telephone pole. Then he asked him: Where are you from? If you don't tell me, I will electrocute you! From TV University!

I went to Shenzhen to sketch in college.

I was walking on the street with my classmates. Suddenly a male classmate walked to the side of the road and patted someone on the shoulder. Asked: "Brother, please",

Is his mind blocked by the door, but he asked the bank's cashier!

The banker probably didn't listen! clear.

Looking back,

nervously pointed the gun at him: "What are you going to do! What are you going to do!",

When my classmate saw the gun pointed at him,

he was so frightened that he cried and said, "Brother, I don't mean anything else, I just want to ask what time it is." . . . .

Burst in sweat. . . . . . .

Once, I needed to contact a classmate because I had something to do, but his number was not saved in my phone, so I sent a text message to another classmate who was very familiar with him, "Do you have XXX's phone number?"

Then I waited patiently for a reply. Five minutes later, I finally received a reply. I couldn’t wait to open the text message, and it read, “Yes” in two big characters.

In desperation, I could only send another text message to this big brother, "So, please tell me?" After waiting for another five minutes, I received a reply, and I couldn't wait to open it again. There are two other words written clearly, "Okay"!

Confession

The wife blamed her husband: "Last night, you were drunk again when you came home!"

"Who said I was drunk? This is Who is talking nonsense?"

"You admitted it yourself at the time"

"No, can what a person says count when he is drunk?"

In front of the wishing fountain

The couple walked through the wishing fountain in the shopping mall. The wife quickly threw in

a coin and silently made a wish. The husband then threw down a coin and silently made a wish.

The lady asked him what he wished for? The husband said: "I hope I can afford

what you just wished for when you made a wish."

Basic conditions for divorce

Mary walked in The law firm said: "I want to know if I

meet the basic conditions for divorce."

Lawyer: "Are you married?"

Mary: "Of course we are married."

Lawyer: "You have met the basic conditions for divorce."

This is the agreement

The wife suggested: "In the future We respect each other, how about I get rid of my bad habit of swearing, and you don't hit others easily?"

The husband agreed: "Okay, if you do it again, If you dare to scold me, I will beat you to death!"

The wife shouted angrily: "You dare!"

Don't go forward

A: "Brother, why don't you go home right after get off work and hang around here

?"

B: "Brother, I don't know. Make an agreement with your lover who will come home first after get off work."

A: "Oh! Then don't go ahead - I saw your lover is there.

There’s so much going on!”

According to

Judge: “Why do you want to divorce her?”

Man: “Because she is everywhere. They all want to stand on top of me."

Judge: "What's the basis for this?"

Man: "Didn't you see the high heels on her feet? p>

Leather shoes?”

Up and down

A: “Didn’t your family hire a maid? Why are you still

Do you wash clothes here?"

B: "I am already married to her"

Same mentality

Husband: "Why do you have to dye and paint your nails every day? Eyebrows, what kind of mentality is this? ”

Wife: “It’s the same mentality as you shaving every day.”

The listener has a heart.

A newlywed couple sat quietly on the beach watching the sunrise. Tai

Tai grabbed a handful of sand casually and said to her husband casually: "It's strange. No matter how tight I hold it, it always slips out from between my fingers. In the end, there was only

a little bit left.

"

The husband said: "Honey, at this wonderful moment, don't mention my meager salary! ”

Pull the curtains

The naked wife: “Close the curtains!” Look at me like this.

How embarrassing it would be if the person in the opposite room saw me! "

Husband: "Don't worry, if that person sees you like this, he will

pull the curtains in his house. "

No need to ask

A couple were at odds and were noisy all day long. The old father-in-law had no choice but to call his son-in-law to question. Speaking of Finally, the old father-in-law asked his son-in-law: "Do you think it is necessary to call my daughter here and confront her face to face? "

The son-in-law shook his head and replied: "There is no need to add any more details. If you

want to know her answer, it is very simple. Just put the word 'yes' in my answer

's' should be changed to 'no', and 'no' should be changed to 'yes'. ”

Son-in-law giving gifts

Wife: “Tomorrow is my mother’s birthday. What are you going to give her?” ”

Husband: “Give me some good cigarettes!” ”

Wife: “Are you crazy?” It has been more than five years since my father passed away. My mother doesn't smoke at all. Why did you give her cigarettes? ”

Husband: “Because every time I go to her place, she only treats me to tea.” ”

Dilemma

A: “Recently, I got a one-level salary increase and I don’t know what to do.” If

if I don’t tell my wife, she will definitely say that I can’t raise my salary because I am a fool! ”

B: “Then just tell her.” ”

A: “No, I’m not a fool!” "

Angry

A: "Why is your wife so angry? ”

B: “Ah! At first she was angry with the child, then she was angry because I

was not angry with the child, and now she is so angry because I was angry because

she and the child were angry. "

Notes

Husbands are used to writing notes to their wives to remind her what she should do. The notes always end with: "husband".

One night, the couple had an argument and went to bed angrily.

The next morning, the wife saw a note beside the dining table, which ended with:

"A distant relative"

Adapt to circumstances

A woman scolded her husband in a restaurant, and finally she screamed: "In the end." Of all the shameful people in the world, you are the most despicable one

! "At this time, everyone in the restaurant looked at them in surprise. After his husband noticed it, he immediately raised his voice and said, "That's so good, my dear!

What else did you tell him? "

Each one has his own skill

A: "On weekdays, my wife practices piano and my daughter practices violin. My family

is quite artistic, right? ”

B: “Then what do you practice?” ”

A: “Practice patience. ”

Self-defeating

A woman suddenly broke into a lawyer’s office and firmly demanded

a divorce from her husband.

Lawyer: “Why do you want to divorce your husband? ”

Woman: “My husband is unfaithful to me. ”

Lawyer: “Is there any basis for it?” ”

Woman: “I don’t think he is the father of my child.” ”