Who provides some jokes?

Ai passed a temple. I saw a pedestrian crossing a ditch in front of the temple, so he put the temple

The idol moved and stepped on it. Then another man came, and when he saw that his idol was destroyed, he lamented.

Constantly, then pick up the idol, wipe it clean with clothes, take it back to the throne, and kowtow.

Leave.

After a while, Ai Zi heard the kid in the temple say, "Your Majesty is a god, so you should curse those insults."

Your people, punish them. "

God said, "If you want to give disaster, give it to those who come later."

The child said, "Why? It was not the man who insulted the king before, but later he was respectful to the king.

Really? "

God said, "How can you bring disaster to the man who didn't believe in God before?"

Ai Zi said after listening: "It turns out that ghosts and gods are also afraid of powerful people!"

Eat meat wisely.

Next to Ai Zi's house, people from Qi lived. One said, "I am just like the minister of Qi.

Everyone is a human being. Why are people smart and I'm not? "

The other said, "They usually eat meat every day, so they are smart." We usually eat coarse grains every day.

Rice, that's not smart. "Some people don't believe this, just bet, buy meat for them.

A few days later, both of them said that they were really smart. One said, "I learned a lot after eating meat."

For example, why do people's feet move forward in a room? Just because I'm afraid of being trampled by people behind me. "

The other said, "I understand a lot of things, too." I think it is reasonable and false for people to have a low nose.

If it goes up, won't it be flooded when it rains? "

Ai Zi lamented him and said, "I think they used to understand, but now they are stupid enough to eat meat."

Speak evil words.

Ai Zi has a high fever and sleepwalks in the underworld. He is asking questions when he sees Wang.

A ghost carried a man and said, "This man has done all the evil in the world."

The prince ordered: "cook with 50 billion Jin of firewood."

The tauren ghost came up to escort. The man asked the tauren privately, "Since you are in charge of the prison, why?"

Are you wearing such shabby leopard pants? "

The tauren ghost said, "There is no leopard skin in the dark, only someone can get it by burning it in the dead."

The man immediately said, "My uncle's family specializes in hunting, and there are many such skins. If you are willing to pity, reduce them. "

With less firewood, I can go back alive and decide that you burn 10 leopard skin. "

The tauren ghost was overjoyed and promised to subtract the word "hundreds of millions". When cooking, it's just a formality.

When the man was about to return, the tauren ghost told him, "Don't forget the leopard skin!" "

The man turned to the tauren ghost and said, "I have a poem for you: the tauren prison mainly knows the news and power."

In the absence of the king, it is more reasonable to reduce official firewood, but it is also necessary to bend the law and leopard skin. "tauren ghost great anger, let him go.

Fork into the boiling water pot and add more wood to cook.

Ai Zi woke up and said to his disciples, "You must believe that the mouth is the door to disaster!" "

Ambitious ambition

There are two poor scholars who are talking about their ambitions.

One said, "I have never been rich in my life. I just want to eat and sleep. " will

Come on, if one day I succeed, I will sleep when I am full and eat when I am full. "

The other said, "I'm not like you. I'm sure I'll eat when I'm full. I don't have time to go.

Sleep! "

Three old people blow each other.

Three old men met and were asked about their age.

An old man blew a cow and said, "It's hard to remember how old I am, only when I was young."

I once had a friendship with Pangu (the god who created the world in myths and legends). "

Not to be outdone, another old man said, "Whenever the sea turns into a field, I write down a plan."

Code, now my chips are full of 10 room. "

Finally, an old man twisted his beard and said slowly, "I eat peaches and peaches every year."

The core was thrown at the foot of Kunlun Mountain, and now it has been piled as high as Kunlun Mountain! "

Door gods, stop fighting.

Fu Tao (in the old New Year's Day, the name of God was written on a mahogany board to exorcise evil spirits) looked at Ai Ren on his back (in the old Dragon Boat Festival).

The rescuer of moxa sticks cursed, "How stupid are you to live on me?"

Ai Ren bowed down and replied, "You are half buried (from New Year's Day to the fifth day of May, it is near."

Half a year, so you have lived more than half), do you still have the face to compete with me for the next position? "

Fu Tao was furious and argued with Ai Ren. The doorman advised, "We all depend on it now.

Living in someone else's portal, there is no time for leisure! "

Treat a disease with folk prescription

In the Song Dynasty, there was a doctor named Liu who treated people with folk remedies.

On one occasion, Su Dongpo went to visit him. As soon as he sat down, a patient came. The patient said he was on a big ship.

The wind makes you sick. Liu pian said conveniently, "Go back and find an old rudder handle, bake it with fire and match it."

Grind Cinnabaris, Poria, and * * and take it with boiling water. "Patients don't understand its meaning, consult a doctor. A country in the Zhou dynasty

The folk prescription proudly said, "This is the beauty. The tiller of the old ship is where the leader catches it, and it will last for a long time.

After a long time, the sweat on my hands seeped into the wood; Shaogong is best at fighting the wind and waves, so he can control the water and shock.

Wind disease. "

Su Dongpo smiled to himself. After the patient left, he deliberately asked Liu folk prescription and said, "I have one at home."

Patient, night sweats, three quilts are all wet, what medicine should be used for treatment? "

Without thinking, Liu folk prescription said, "We just need to find some old banana fans for many years and bake them before grinding them."

Finally, drink it and keep the medicine until it is cured! "

Su Dongpo said with a smile, "Since you say so, burn the pen and ink to ashes and let an illiterate drink it."

If he continues, he will write an article at once; Let a coward lick Fan Kuai's shield and he will stand up.

Bravely carve up, call an ugly man to smell the earrings worn by Shi, and immediately become handsome.

Is it? "

Liu was surprised when he heard this folk prescription. "Unexpectedly, Dongpo Gong is also a famous doctor!" "

Where does the sound come from?

A asked B, "When wood hits a bronze bell, it will make a sound. Is this sound made of wood hair or copper hair? "

What about yours? "

B said, "Of course it's made of copper. If you hit a low wall, you won't make a sound. "

A said, "Not necessarily. If you bump the accumulated copper coins, you won't make a sound. "

B refused to accept it and said, "The clock is empty, but the copper coins are real. Accurately speaking, the sound comes from nothing. "

These include. "

A retorted, "Can a clock made of wood or mud make a sound?"

The two men quarreled inappropriately until their throats were hoarse and they could not make a sound.

Treat minor illnesses.

When someone has a slight cold and cough, he is very nervous and rushes to seek medical treatment. The doctor diagnosed this as a strange disease and gave it to.

Taking drugs that attack the kidneys and stomach, he was forbidden to eat delicious food. After a month, my body died of illness.

It's really full of diseases, just like people who suffer from the law. The man quickly sought advice from another doctor. doctor

I was diagnosed with internal fever and gave me cold medicine. As a result, I vomited and diarrhea, and I couldn't even eat. He's scared,

I quickly switched to hot medicine and ate stalactites, black rafters and the like, and carbuncle and scabies broke out all over my body.

And almost all diseases follow.

Cunning mouse

Susie sat and rested at night, and a mouse was biting something. As soon as he slapped the bed board, the bite stopped, but it was different.

It will bite again. Perilla asked the boy to take a photo with a candle and found that the bite mark came from an empty pocket.

It turned out that the mouse was locked in its pocket and could not escape.

When I opened my pocket, I found only a dead mouse. The boy was surprised and said, "I just bit Dong."

Lucy, how could she die suddenly? Not a ghost, right? "Say that finish just flipped through his pocket and put it in.

When it was poured out, the mouse ran away as soon as it landed.

Perilla sighed and said, "A cunning man can often save his life!" "

The puffer fish flourishes.

The puffer fish is so angry. Once, a puffer fish was playing under the bridge and accidentally hit the pier.

Almost hit his head flat. So, I glared at the dock and cursed it for being short-sighted and hitting its head. Other fish

Persuaded in succession, the puffer fish not only refused to listen, but played a prestige. It bulged its belly and stung its fin.

Standing pointy, motionless on the water, pretending to be dead. At this time, an osprey flew quickly.

Swim over and swallow it.

Squid miscalculation

Squid fish are good at releasing black water as a cover to avoid attacks from other fish. Gradually, it had to

I often deliberately go to the seaside to play with seabirds. One day, a seagull flew low along the coast.

While eating, I suddenly saw a mass of black water not far from the shore. After careful observation, I found that the black water moved from time to time, so I decided

This is a swimming fish. When squid was proud to play with seabirds, seagulls swooped down.

Took the squid in one bite.

Learn to swim on the shore

There is a northerner who is very brave. He got off the horse immediately, and he was quite kung fu. He is not afraid of anything, but he is not afraid of anything.

I can swim. Whenever I see people diving in the water as dexterous as swimming fish, I always envy them.

If so, please ask someone for advice. He was told how to swim, such as paddling and breathing, and he felt it after listening.

It was so simple that I ran to the river and jumped into the water. Who knows, suddenly there was no roof, so I remembered.

The essentials of life have been forgotten before they are used, leaving only a hurry. And then "goo goo"

Call "a few mouthfuls of water, and you will soon be out of breath.

Father is stupid, son is stupid.

There was a rich man in the state of Qi, and his son was very stupid. One day, Ai Zi said to him, "Your son is not familiar with the world.

How to inherit family fortune in the future? "

The rich man was very unhappy and said, "My son is very clever!" " "

Ai Zi said, "Then where did you ask him to eat rice? If the answer is right, count me in.

That's wrong. "

The rich man asked his son to ask questions. The son smiled and said, "Don't I know this yet?" Every time it comes from

I found it in the bag. "

The rich man turned pale and said, "You are so stupid. Didn't you take the rice from the field? "

Ai Zi said, "Ha ha! Will the fields grow by themselves? It seems that it is not a father like you, but

You can't have such a son! "

Aizi Fang Qiu

Ai Zi serves Xuan Wang. One day, when he appeared before the king, he was very worried. Wang Xuan was surprised and asked Ai.

Why? Ai Zi replied, "My child suddenly fell ill and wanted to tell your king, but he was homesick."

Small, so embarrassed to speak, although people are in court now, but my heart is still thinking about the children. "

Xuanwang said, "Why didn't you say so earlier? I have a good medicine, which can really be said to have cured the disease. " So send

Bring it in for Aiko. Ai Zi thanked her and asked her son to take it. Two or three hours later, his son died.

Yes

Rosty Yi, Aiko was very sad when she went to court. King Xuan asked Ai Zi again, and then he looked sad. He said:

"You were sad to lose your son, so I decided to give you a golden burial."

Ai Zi said, "The death of a child is not enough to get the king's reward, but I have something to ask you." announce

When the king asked what it was, the dwarf replied, "Just find the good prescription that the king prescribed for the children the day before yesterday."

.

Boasting artist

Gong Sunlong is so boastful. I once met King Wen of Zhao and boasted that I had caught several turtles.

King Wen said, "I have never seen a turtle in the South China Sea. I just want to tell it with everything we did in Zhao. "

Listen to this. I have been to Zhenyang, where there are two children, one is called a car. One is Zuo Bo. one

The second time, they played on the Bohai Sea. After a while, a group of big Pengfei came and caught them in the car.

Dapeng grabbed it as soon as he reached out, and the deepest part of the Bohai Sea just passed the calf in the car. It's nothing.

When you put things in Dapeng, you take Zuo Bo's towel to install Dapeng. Zuo Boda was furious and took a photo with the car.

Yes, for a long time. The mother in the car saw it and dragged it back. Zuo Bo lifted Taihang Mountain and threw it over.

In the car, the result was thrown into the mother's eyes. The mother in the car only felt that it was dark at the moment, as if

A grain of dust blew in, and I wiped it with my hand and bounced it to the northwest, so Daxing Mountain was interrupted and popped up.

Haven't you seen that stone, Hengshan now?

After listening to this, Gong Sunlong suddenly became discouraged and had to bow for a long time. His disciples saw it and said, "Hey, first.

Life is always boasting to others. How can you be confused by boasting? "

Difficult and tricky

Distinguish Tian Ba Shan. On one occasion, Tian Ba's disciple Bird Liu had an old woman in Lu Yu. She made a ceremony and asked:

"You are not a disciple of bully? You must be as eloquent as Tian Ba. The old lady has a question for you.

Teaching. "

Slippery said, "Go."

The old woman said, "The horse hair is short and the ponytail is long and downward. What is the reason? " ? ,,

The bird smiled and said, "You don't know such a simple thing? If the horse's mane inclines upward, it will shorten against the trend.

The ponytail grows when it hangs down. "

The old woman added, "But people's hair is also upright, which goes against the trend. Why is it president? " ? moustache

Beard drooping, it is the trend. Why is it short? "

The birds are too cunning to answer at the moment.

The frog is angry.

Once upon a time, the Dragon King met a frog at the seaside. The dragon king asked the frog, "What happens when you are angry?"

The frog said, "When I like it, I will keep cooing in the cool breeze and bright moon night;" When you are angry.

First the eyes swell, then the stomach swells, and finally the stomach swells and deflates.

Of "

A tail is afraid of punishment.

Ai Zi drifts across the ocean and stays on an island overnight. I heard crying underwater, so

Listen carefully.

The voice said, "Yesterday, the Dragon King ordered all aquatic animals with tails to be beheaded. I am a turtle.

Ah, so I cry for fear of being beheaded, and you toads have no tail. Why do you cry along? …

The other replied, "I'm lucky to have no tail today, but I'm afraid I'll be investigated as a tadpole again."

The tail thing! "

Same age next year

Ai Zi left Handan City and saw two old ladies giving way to each other on the road. One of them asked:

"How old are you?"

Another answer: "70 years old."

The questioner said, "I am 69 years old and will be as old as you next year …"

The prime minister moved the clock.

There was an old minister in the state of Qi, who had been an official for several dynasties and was knowledgeable, from official to prime minister. All state affairs must be handled by

He decided.

One day, the King of Qi ordered to move the capital. There is a treasure clock weighing 5000 Jin, and it is estimated that it needs 500 people to move it.

Move it. At that time, Qi was understaffed and the person in charge was at a loss. The Prime Minister said, "Hey, it's a piece of cake, there is."

Why is it so difficult? Since this clock needs 500 people to move, you can cut it into 500 small pieces and give one away.

Just move out within 500 days. "

The supervisor suddenly spoke and agreed happily.

Indulge in blind struggle

There is a man from England who likes to argue blindly with others despite his poor knowledge.

One day, I asked Aizi, "There are bells hanging under the car and around the camel's neck. Why? "

What? "

Ai Zi said, "Carts and camels are very big things. They walk at night. If they don't hang bells, it will be too narrow. "

Lu Yu, it's too late to escape. The bell can remind the other party to prepare early. "

The Yingqiu people asked again, "Is the clock hanging on the tower telling people to get ready to give way? …"

Ai Zi laughed at his ignorance and replied, "Birds like to nest high. Bird droppings are dirty, and bells are hung on the bell tower.

As soon as the wind blows and the bell rings, the blackbird is scared away. "

Yingqiu people want a room: "The eagle harrier also hangs a bell on its tail." How can birds catch the tails of eagles and harriers?

Did you go up to nest? "

Ai Zi laughed and said, "You are unbelievable! This harrier went out to catch birds. It

The rope tied to the feather will be entangled in the branches; If it flaps its wings, the bell will jingle.

When it rings, people can follow the sound to find it. How can you say that you are building a nest to prevent birds?

And then what? "

Yingqiu still asked, "I have seen undertaker Wanlang, ringing a bell in his hand and singing in his mouth. It's hard. "

Is Tao afraid of tripping over branches, too "

Ai Zi was a little annoyed and said, "That Wan Lang gave way to the dead for this dead man's life."

I like to argue with others, so ringing the bell makes him happy! "

Distinguish clearly

Qi Xuanwang asked Ai Zi, "I heard that there was an animal called beast in ancient times. Are you familiar with it? " "

Ai Zi replied, "When Yao was emperor, there was a beast named Xu who was raised in the imperial court. possible

Distinguish the good from the bad, find the evil official, knock him down with a horn, and then eat his stomach. "

Ai Zi paused and sighed with emotion: "If there are such beasts in the imperial court today, I"

I don't think it needs to find other food! "

Half of the fare.

Once upon a time, a man walked to Pengmen and was exhausted before he arrived in Lvliang. It's in the bag

With 50 pence left, I came to the dock and wanted to rent a boat. The boatman is greedy. I heard that he only has 50p.

He said to the guests, "From here to Pengmen, the fare for all empty-handed guests is 100. Since you are still young,

We still have strength. Let's make friends. So, you give me a fiber on the shore and wait until the shed door, and I will

Only charge you half the fare. "

The dragon king chose his husband.

One night, the Dragon King of the East China Sea gave Huiji a dream to find a gentle son-in-law. beloved son

Said, "It's better to choose the aquarium." The dragon king called it.

Ai Zi said, "Find a fish-fish is greedy for fish food and easy to be caught. Moreover, there are no fish. "

Hands and feet; Find a turtle-it has hands and feet, but it looks bad; Find a crab-although it looks good.

Tang, all hands and feet, is cute and overbearing. I think the most suitable is shrimp. "

The dragon king frowned and said, "Is the status of shrimp too low?"

Ai Zi replied, "You can't say that. Shrimp has at least three advantages: first, it has no stomach; No bleeding after two cuts; three

You can put dirt on your head. "

Peng Zu's wife.

Once, Ai Zi went out and saw a white-haired old woman crying on the roadside. Ziyi asked:

"Why are you crying so sad?"

The old woman replied, "My husband is dead."

Ai Zi asked again, "Who is the husband?"

"Peng Zu."

"Peng Zushou died, 800 years old, not short. Why are you so sad? "

The old woman said, "It's not short to die at the age of 800, but there are still people in the world who live to be 900.

How can I feel at ease! "

The actor's interesting suggestion.

In the Five Dynasties, the late Tang Emperor Zhuang Zong Li Cunxu once went hunting in zhongmou county. On the way, the cavalry trampled on it.

The fields of ordinary people. The magistrate of Zhongmu stopped the horse's head and said to Zhuang Zong, "Your Majesty, food is the most important thing for the people.

God, all their blood and sweat are on this farm, don't trample on it at will! "

Zhuang Zong thundered, "Get out!" Say, whip the horse and go.

The accompanying actor Jing Xinmo caught up with the county magistrate, took him to Zhuang Zong and said to the county magistrate, "Who are you?"

A county magistrate, don't you know that our son of heaven likes hunting? Why indulge the people to grow crops for supply?

Tax, why not let the people starve, empty this place and hunt for us?

What a sin! "Say that finish, request Zhuang Zong county magistrate sentenced to death.

Zhuang Zong smiled and ordered the magistrate to be released. An actor who echoed Jing Xinmo deliberately asked Zhuang.

Why did Zong release the county magistrate? Zhuang Zong said, "Meditation is satirizing me. His opinion is right, I know. "

No! "

Defeat the emperor with wisdom

One day, Li Cunxu, a late Tang emperor who loved literature and art, watched actors rehearse in his palace. Suddenly,

He shouted, "Li Tianxia, Li Tianxia, where are you?

At this time, the actor slapped him in the face, and the emperor was at a loss. Civilian and military officials and actors

The children were frightened to disgrace and rushed to ask Jingxinmo.

Quietly replied: "There is only one person who manages this world. Why call someone else? "

Two people can rule the world. "

The emperor turned anger into joy and rewarded it.

Help!

On one occasion, I went to see Zhuang Zong in silence, and the evil dog immediately surrounded him. He leaned against the edge of the post.

Shouted: "Your Majesty, don't connive at children biting!" Because Zhuang Zong is a Bedi minority,

Talking about dogs is taboo, so I laughed at Zhuang Zong silently in this way. "

Zhuang Zong was furious and drew his bow and arrow to shoot. Silently shouted: "Your Majesty, don't kill me! minister

Son and your majesty are one, and it is unlucky to kill courtiers! "

Zhuang Zong asked in surprise, "Why?"

He replied, "Didn't your Majesty change his country name to Tongguang when he founded the country? All the people in the world put their dignity.

It's called Tongguang Emperor. This' tong' is also the' copper' of copper and iron; This piece of copper is polished.

You kill Jingxinmo, and this' copper' (copper) is gone! ,,

Zhuang Zong put down his bow and arrow with a smile.

An interesting discussion about the price of boots.

Prime Ministers Feng Dao and Ning He both worked in Zhongshu Province. One day, Ning He asked Feng Dao, "Your boots.

It is new, isn't it? how much is it? "

Feng Dao raised his left foot to show Ning He his boots and said, "Nine hundred."

He was in a hurry and immediately stared at the official and said, "How do I need my boots?" " So I have a responsibility.

Scold for a long time.

At this time, Feng Dao unhurriedly raised his right foot and said to Ning He, "And this one is also worth 900 Li."

So I burst into laughter.

Steal for reward.

Qian Sigong grew up in a rich family, but he was very frugal. He has a coral pen, which is especially used at ordinary times.

Cherish, often on several cases. Some children wanted money, so they stole pens and hid them.

Qian Sigong lost his pen and was very unhappy. He posted a notice at home, willing to pay100000 yuan to redeem the pen.

Frame. Two days later, the apprentice who stole the pen pretended to have found it and gave it to Qian Sigong, so

Got 10000 yuan. Later, a disciple asked for money and took the pen container away. A year later, for example,

This kind of thing will happen several times, but Qian Sigong never understood the mystery.

Fat cow skinny monkey

When Yan Shu became the left-behind in Nanjing, there were two respected assistants in the government office, namely Bird and Wang Dian.

Bird is so fat that Wang Dian calls him a cow. Wang Qi is so thin that Bird calls him a monkey. Two people often meet.

Make fun of each other. Once, they chatted again.

Wang Qi said: "Bird hit the wall in a figure of eight."

Bird retorted: "Wang Dian cried three times on the full moon." Everyone laughed.

Sun is lucky.

Sun is only famous for his prose. He once wrote two poems about Mount Li, and there are two sentences in the second poem:

"Qin Huang's tomb became Chen Shengqi, and the Ming Palace Museum came to Lushan."

At that time, it happened that Jade Qing Zhao Ying Palace was built in Song Zhenzong, and a man who hated Sun Wei wanted to slander him.

So I recorded two poems and gave them to the emperor.

When Song Zhenzong read his first poem, he saw a line in the poem Zhu Yinli Mountain: "Sun Yi.

There's nothing to boast about! "I forgot to look, so about Chen Sheng and Anlu.

The words of the mountain were finally not seen by the true Sect. Sun is just lucky, and the villain is also in vain.