Who told the funniest joke in history!

These are all horror jokes, which may scare you into a cold sweat, but I hope you like them! Once upon a time, there was a man dressed in bloody clothes. He has a girlfriend. He loves her more than anyone in the world. But one day, his girlfriend left him mercilessly without even giving him a reason. Watching his girlfriend go shopping arm in arm, he was in great pain and lost his mind. Finally one day he killed his girlfriend. He will kill her later. But when I was dying, I felt the value of life. Since then, he has been haunted by nightmares every day. In the dream, his girlfriend was naked, with long hair fluttering, red tongue hanging down and fingers hooked to kill him. Nightmares tormented him like needles, and one day he found a Taoist priest and begged to get rid of him. The Taoist priest asked him to do three things: first, give his girlfriend a good burial. Second, burn the pajamas that his girlfriend wore before her death. Third, wash away the hidden bloody clothes. Everything must be finished before midnight, or you will be killed! He did everything carefully according to the orders of the Taoist priest, but he couldn't find the bloody coat. It's almost midnight. Beads of sweat dripped from his face and wet the carpet. He found the bloody clothes in the middle of the night, but no matter how he wiped them, he couldn't wash them off. At this time, there was a sudden strong wind, lightning and thunder. The window was shaken from side to side by the strong wind, and the sound of broken glass made people even more jumpy. Suddenly all the lights went out and the whole room was dark. In the lightning, I saw his girlfriend wearing bloody pajamas, with blood dripping from her eyes, pointing at him with a ferocious face and a harsh voice: "Do you know why the blood can't be washed away?" He was too scared to say a word. The girlfriend continued: "Because you are useless to Diao brand washing powder, idiot." 2. The night of meeting the ghost was already deep, and a taxi driver decided to take another passenger home, but there were not many people on the road. The driver drove aimlessly and found a white shadow shaking in front of him, waving to him. It's unnatural to suddenly have someone on a quiet night. This situation has to remind people of something that people don't want to think of, that is, ghosts! But in the end, the driver decided to give her a hand. The man got on the bus and said in a sad hoarse voice, "Please go to the crematorium." The driver trembled with excitement. Is she really ... he can't think down, and he dare not think down. He regrets it, but now he must send her to him as soon as possible. The woman's face is comely and pale, and she has nothing to say all the way, which makes people feel creepy. The driver really can't go on. When he was almost where she was going, he made an excuse and stammered, "Miss, I'm sorry. It's hard to turn back ahead. Go by yourself. It is already very close. " The woman nodded and asked, "How much is that?" The driver quickly said, "Forget it, forget it, you are a woman, it is not easy to come here so late, forget it!" " "How dare you?" "That's it!" The driver insisted. Women can't help it. "Well, thank you!" Say that finish, opened the door ... The driver turned to start the car, but didn't hear the sound of closing the door, so he turned his head ... How did that woman disappear so quickly? He looked and sat down, no! There is nothing in the front, back, left and right of the car! Did she just disappear? The driver's curiosity made him think about it. He got out of the car and came to the open door. "That woman walked so fast, or did she just ..." He was about to collapse, and just left here, a bloody hand patted him on the shoulder. He looked back, and the woman stood in front of him, her face covered with blood, and she spoke. "master! Please don't stop by the ditch next time ... "3. There are two people in a remote village, and there is a straight telephone pole on a narrow path. Strange to say, people often have accidents there. Soon a man and a woman were accidentally knocked down by a bicycle and died on the spot. One night, five-year-old Xiao Zhi and her mother passed by on their way home. Xiao Zhi suddenly said, "Mom, there are two people on the telephone pole." Mother took his hand and walked away quickly, saying, "Don't talk nonsense, children!" " "But it soon spread. One day, a reporter came to interview Xiao Zhi and asked him to take him to see the place where the car accident happened. Xiao Zhi generously led him, and the reporter asked, "Where is it?" Xiaozhi pointed to the above. The reporter looked up and saw a sign hanging on the telephone pole, which read: everyone is responsible for traffic safety! 4. The complaints of three ghosts One day they met God while shopping! They told God that they were miserable and hoped to send them to heaven! God said helplessly, there are too many residents in the sky now, and they are all full. But there's another place! You said, whoever dies the worst will go to heaven! So, the first ghost saved my life ... I was a cleaner before I died. Work is very hard! Busy from morning till night! One day, I was cleaning windows outside a building! It's the kind of dangerous work hanging outside at high altitude! On the 30th floor! Suddenly, my foot slipped and fell! I think it's over! I'm dying! But the survival instinct makes me scratch unconsciously! Luckily, I grabbed the railing of a balcony on 13 floor. I feel saved! So I want to climb up after I recover! Who knows, suddenly someone patted my hand and I fell down again! I think I'm really finished now! However, my life should not be decided, and a tent caught me below. I am glad that I must have accumulated virtue in my last life! I want to wait for my physical strength to recover before I go down. Who knows, a refrigerator fell from it and killed me! The second ghost said … I was a clerk before my death. Everything is fine. I have a beautiful wife. Great figure! But it's just a little dishonest. I have a slight heart attack. One day I forgot to bring my medicine to work, so I went home to get it. As soon as I entered the door, I saw my wife's hair disheveled and disheveled. There must be something fishy in this. So I looked everywhere in the house, kitchen and toilet, but I couldn't find it. When I got to the balcony, I found two hands on the railing, and I thought, Where are you going? So he patted his hand. I think, 13 floor! See if I can fall to my death! As a result, I didn't die when I looked at it! Caught by the tent! I was in a hurry, so I searched all over the house and went into the kitchen. I found that the refrigerator was big enough and threw it away. Finally smashed him to death! I'm so happy! Laughing a lot. Who knows, laughing so hard, laughing so hard! The third ghost said ... I'm a punk, but I didn't do anything wrong! One day I went to a female friend's house to hang out! Just finished, her husband suddenly came back! I have to find a place to hide. So I searched the kitchen and toilet, and finally found that their refrigerator was quite big, so I hid in it! I don't understand how her husband knew I was in the refrigerator and threw it from the 13 floor! I just fell to my death in my refrigerator! 5. When he met a ghost in the toilet, Chu Yang wanted to visit the countryside. When chatting with relatives, relatives told him that there were ghosts in the toilet here. However, if you don't accept something from ghosts, ghosts won't hurt you. May be the cause of acclimatization, at night, Chu Yangxiang's stomach hurts like hell. No way out, Chu Yang had to bite the bullet and go to the toilet on tenterhooks. When Chu Yanggang squatted down, he heard the ghost's voice: "Do you want red toilet paper or white toilet paper? Knowing that ghosts are unacceptable, Chu Yang replied, "I always use newspapers. "It seems that ChuYangXiang got dysentery. After a while, Chu Yangxiang ran to the toilet again, but this time, he was no longer afraid. Seeing Chu Yang backward, the ghost held out his hand and said, "Youth Daily or Beijing Evening News?" "I always use sports newspapers. "In the evening, Chu Yang went to the toilet for the third time." Youth Sports or Football Weekly? "The ghost asked ... I ... I just want to pee. "6. Nightmare once called, but the number was not pressed as it is now. It dials by inserting a finger into a perforated disk. Once upon a time ... Xiaoming's phone number was 444-4444, and strange calls often came in ... One night 12, the phone rang and Xiaoming picked up the receiver. The other end of the phone said in a sad voice, "Is this 444-4444? "Can you call 1 19 for me? I am so miserable! ..... "Xiao Ming:" Go find someone else to help you, not me! " Man: "I can only call 444-4444, but I can't call others." Xiaoming was scared to death. Just hang up the phone and call 444-4444, okay? Is it a ghost? After a while, the phone rang again. Xiao Ming didn't dare to answer, but the phone kept ringing ... Xiao Ming had to pick it up. Man: "Excuse me, is this 444-4444? Can you call 1 19 for me? I am so miserable! ..... my finger is stuck in the phone dial hole! " 7. Damn, two men walked home after Halloween masquerade ... When they passed a cemetery, they wanted to cross it on impulse. When they were halfway through, they were frightened by the sound of drumming. The sound came from somewhere in the dark. They were so scared that they trembled all over, and then they found an old man digging a tombstone with a chisel. One of them said, "My God. Sir, we thought you were a ghost. What are you doing here so late? " The old man scolded, "* * *, they spelled my name wrong." On a dark night, a jack-o'-lantern was driving along the road and passing through a cemetery. The breeze blew, and the surrounding sounds rustled, making people feel creepy and numb. Just then, he suddenly found a little red light flashing in the distance. His first thought was "jack-o'-lantern". So he carefully picked up a stone and threw it at the lamp. I saw flames swaying behind another grave. What is even more frightening is that he picked up a stone and threw it at the fire, only to see the light fly to another grave. At this point, he is close to collapse. So he picked up another stone and threw it at the lamp. At this moment, I heard a voice from behind the grave: "Shit, who is it? "Shit is not fun. A bag of cigarettes chopped me three times. " 9. The doll has a taxi driver who works in a taxi company. One night, he was driving through a very desolate place, surrounded by darkness; Suddenly I saw a building in front of me, with dim lights on. He was wondering when such a building was built here when he saw a young lady beckoning him to drive home. After the young lady got on the bus, he closed the door and started driving. After a while, he wondered why the young lady didn't speak. As a result, he looked back in the mirror and saw that it was not a lady but a doll sitting there. Scared to death, he grabbed the doll and threw it out of the window. After returning home, he was seriously ill for three months ... After recovery, he returned to work in a taxi company. As a result, his colleague said to him, "You are really boring. A beautiful lady came to complain that she wanted to take your car last time. As a result, she just threw the doll in, and you closed the door and drove away. " 10. I loved apples before I died. It is said that in the dark night, on the longest ... the most terrible road ... a taxi driver drove there ... a woman waved to get on the bus by the roadside ... OK ... It was quiet all the way ... until the woman spoke ... She said, "Apples are for you ... It's delicious ..." The driver said, "Delicious!" The woman replied, "I liked apples before my death ..." Wow ...&; * $ # @ ... Hearing this, the driver suddenly braked in fear and turned pale ... I saw the woman slowly turn her head forward, ... and said to the driver ... Do you want to know what she said? ..... "... but what about me? I don't like it after giving birth! ……