A joke to amuse his girlfriend.

A joke that makes your girlfriend happy. In normal life, we may always make your girlfriend angry inadvertently, but we need to try our best to make them happy. Here I will share some jokes that make my girlfriend happy when she is angry. Let's watch the jokes that make her happy.

Joke with your girlfriend 1

1. At the mobile phone party, a mobile phone said, "I'm from Nokia." The other said, "I'm from Samsung." Another well-dressed man said, "I'm from Apple." Then a cell phone in the corner said, "Don't argue, I'm fake, and whoever I love is mine!" " "

Second, I work in a hospital. One day, an earthquake happened. At this time, everyone went out. Only the old director of internal medicine calmly held the wall and took out two antihypertensive drugs ... he thought his blood pressure was very high.

Third, it snows. Ordinary youth: "Ah, it's snowing, so white!" " "Literary youth:" Snow is as clean as jade, purifying the soul and spirit! Young man: Cao, God's poop is white!

The frog took a bottle of Erguotou to the tortoise's house to pray for the secret of longevity. The tortoise blew on the spout. He said slowly, "It's actually quite simple. No matter what happens, stick your head in first. "

Sima Guang patted Wang Anshi on the shoulder: "Fu Jie, fight with me? You are still too young. " Wang Anshi calmly replied, "What's the big deal? Isn't it just smashing a water tank? I'm sure I will do the same. I just have one less chance than you. " There are two cold lights in Sima Guang's eyes: "Opportunities are created by ourselves. You only know that the old man smashed the jar, but you don't know how the child fell in? "

6. It is above 40 degrees Celsius every day, and I have to go out to run business. It is true that the barbecue business has developed rapidly, and now it has developed to every household.

A black man was bitten by lice. He blew out the candle and said, let you never see me again.

Eight, Zhang made a report, and the audience was buzzing, which quickly drowned out the director's voice. The director was very unhappy and was about to get angry when a young man stood up and shouted, "Everybody stop arguing!" " "The whole room suddenly quiet down. The director was very moved: after all, there is a bosom friend! The young man went on to say, "You made me wake up! "

I happened to chat with a MM today. I asked her what she looked like, and she said 168, long hair. I asked if I could be more specific. She said it was not specific? I said, sure, find a mop of 168 and turn it upside down. Isn't it just like you? ! Then she knocked me out. ...

X. When the American diplomatic delegation visited the Soviet Union, Soviet reception officials accompanied them to visit the great achievements of construction, and proudly said: By the next five-year plan, every Soviet family can have a private jet! The American asked in surprise: What do they need a plane for? Su Xiu officials said: Of course it works! For example, if you hear in Moscow that Leningrad has started to supply bread, you can fly to the queue immediately.

Eleven, mother snail said to the snail: You are not young, tomorrow I will take you to the village next door for a blind date. The snail said, I'm only 12 years old, and I haven't reached the legal age. Mom: When we get there, you will be enough.

Twelve, surfing the Internet at home One night, Wangwang suddenly jumped out of the window and said to me, "Dear, I am pregnant." Elder brother suddenly a surprised, the heart says he didn't rush what trouble? Just as he was stunned, the man said, "Go to the hospital for examination tomorrow." I want to know who you are. Do you want me to accompany you to check? Do you want to correct me? Just thinking, the man said, "I can only deliver the goods to you the day after tomorrow." Shit, I bought something at your house this afternoon.

Thirteen, on the way to learn the scriptures, the Tang Priest deeply felt sorry for his three disciples. One jumps up and down, the other is lazy, and the other always falls behind. They are all people of status and don't pay attention to quality. It is simply unorganized and undisciplined! So the Tang Priest gave special training to the three disciples. A month later, the Tang Priest said, "March quickly!"

Wandering in the street with friends, meeting foreign friends, say hello to him: "hello!" " "The friend also said," Ha Lao, cool dog! " "Sorry ... go to hell!

15. A few years ago, it was rumored that Wang, the minister of examination department, would take over as invigilator. Mr. Wang joked that only the year of the monkey is possible (when the monkey is emperor, there will be a year of the monkey, but it is impossible for the monkey. So he won't have a chance. However, in recent days, the concern of the upper class shows great signs of appointing Mr. Wang as a supervisor. Is there really no Year of the Monkey? I'm going to check Mr. Li's zodiac sign … or did a newspaper deliberately …

Newton visited the Zen master because of mechanical problems. The Zen master spread a blanket under the inclined plane, put the ball on the inclined plane and let it fly. The ball rolled for a short distance and then stopped. The Zen master replaced the blanket with a smooth wooden surface, and the ball rolled for a long distance before stopping. Newton suddenly realized: you mean that force is the reason to change the state of motion of an object, and as long as it is not stressed, it can keep moving? The Zen master said, I mean, as far away from here as possible!

17. "When I was in college, my classmates went to Sichuan restaurant together and asked for a pig's head when ordering. After talking for a long time, the waitress couldn't understand. A classmate smiled and pointed to his head and said to the waitress, "Here! Pig head meat! " "Miss": "Oh … I see!" "From then on, this gentleman had the nickname" pig's head meat ". "

In the morning, a buddy went to the front of the stairs and stopped on the first step. After a long time, he suddenly woke up and shouted, "Isn't this an escalator?" ! "

Nineteen, a TV program said that a white radish was planted and turned into a carrot in autumn. Experts from all over the country discussed collectively. Water, fertilizer, land type, air, weather and even planting methods were investigated. Episodes 1, 2 and 3. The final conclusion is that my buddy planted the wrong seeds.

Twenty, a man was walking on a dusty road, and a coachman caught up with him with a four-wheeled car. He said to the driver, "Boss, can you be kind?" Take my coat to town. The driver said, "OK, but how can you get your coat again?" "He said," it's easy. I'll stay in my coat. "

Wei Xiaobao, Yang Guo, Guo Jing and Ling Huchong compare their wives together. Yang Guo said: My wife is willing to jump off a cliff for me. Guo Jing said: My wife is willing to break up with my father for me. Ling Huchong said: My wife is willing to be imprisoned in Shaolin Temple for me. Wei Xiaobao smiled and said nothing. They looked back. Shuang'er once asked Huang Rong, Xiaolong Girl and Ren Yingying for their phone numbers and QQ numbers.

Twenty-two. After reading the news that a man in Xiamen was paralyzed after eating twelve moon cakes all night, my girlfriend asked me flatly, "Why does this man keep eating cakes?" I also ate 12 months! ! ! "

Twenty-three, ordinary youth: "The girl we chased together in those years" Style literary youth: "The girl we went together in those years" Other youth: "The girl we downloaded together in those years" ~

Twenty-four, some petite girls, I beg you to stop saying that you are fat! Less than 100 kg, each with thin arms and thin legs, mini kept saying: ah! How fat! Want to lose weight! As a result, my calf stretched out and Nima was as thin as an arm! I dare ask, do you want to be as thin as a cushion? There is a line in front and a line on the side, which is too thin to see! ! You're not afraid of moving, are you?

25. A small snail had just climbed over a bridge when it suddenly collapsed with a bang. The little snail sweated and sighed, "Mom, I can't run fast, and my life is gone."

Excuse me, miss, can you take your chest away from my hand?

Only those lazy people will complain and suffer for not getting up every morning. Really motivated people will call for leave immediately.

28. In the restaurant, a man pointed to a tofu more than two meters long in the dish and shouted, "What ears are you! I ordered home-cooked tofu! " When the chef heard this, he wondered, "Isn't it long enough?"

Twenty-nine, moths go out to travel, and they are going to find a place to rest at night. However, I found an Internet cafe in front of me, so I decided to stay. Who knows that I was tied up by a spider as soon as I entered the door. Facing the spider's butcher knife, moths not only sigh; Damn it, black shop!

Thirty, really good men don't play games, DOTA or WOW. But when he is playing the game, as long as you send a message, make a phone call and send a QQ, he will directly quit the game for you. A netizen spoke out: this kind of person is commonly known as "a teammate like a pig." Never cooperate with him!

A friend said to the moon: You are my other half. Yue said to Peng: I didn't promise to marry you. You should remember that we are just friends at present.

Thirty-two, the apple is sick, and the orange goes to see it. When I arrived at Apple's house, I saw Apple lying on the bed with thick gauze wrapped around her shoulders. The orange asked, how could it hurt so badly? Apple's mother said angrily, it's not her fault. I miss the iphone so much that I think it's really an apple. This is a dream!

33. Mu said to Zhu: Who is standing beside you? I don't know.

Thirty-four, a children's shoe remembers the English words as follows: gose (dog died), mouth (cat died), knees (you died), was (I died), bus (father died), yes (grandfather died), girs (brother died), miss (sister died), and school (death ray). ! ! Awesome!

Thirty-five, the monkey teacher teaches other small animals in class. Suddenly, the student pig farted, and suddenly, the whole class was boiling. The monkey teacher went mad with anger. Without thinking, he dragged toad out of the classroom and gave him a good corporal punishment. Just when Toad tried to defend himself, the monkey teacher shouted loudly, "Look at your belly bulging like that, I know you have a lot of fart!" " "

Jokes that amuse girlfriends II. First, you are calm because you are not afraid of death. I am calmer than you, because I am not afraid of death.

Second, boss, a bowl of tomato and egg noodles, not noodles.

Third, the Spring Festival this year. . Students working in Shanghai will return to Hefei for the holidays. But as we all know, it is hard to get a ticket for a holiday, and he can't buy one either. So he signed up for a two-day tour of Chaohu-Fangte. Later, he went home … and went to Fontaine to play a roller coaster! Dear friends, the 11 th holiday can be handled according to this!

Four, there is a kind of quiet, called the old class. ...

Five, I ... lack sleep, money, love and brains ... The only reason I don't lack is that I don't lack meat ~ ~!

6. Today, my buddy sent me a short message: "I missed my stop to see the beautiful woman on the bus." I replied, "How beautiful?" He said, "I have been to four stops ..."

7. I don't like to tidy my room. They all call me a messy room hero.

Eight, if money is the capital you love me, then please hit me with money.

In the dead of night, I often ask myself, when I decided to come to the earth, was it right or wrong? ...

Ten, one day at noon, Lao Liu happened to meet Lao Zhang on the road, hurriedly say hello, and conveniently took out a dime from his pocket and gave it to Lao Zhang. Lao Liu said, "Lao Zhang, I lent you a dime the day before yesterday, and I won't pay it back until today." Lao Zhang said: "Forget it, a dime, what else!" "Give it back to me, give it back to me!" Lao Liu just stuffed a dime into Lao Zhang's hand. Lao Zhang had to accept it and said, "If you really want to pay it back, I'm welcome. I will close this account when I go back later! " "

Eleven, hanging mosquito nets in it? Sleep, Doby mosquito, make it anxious.

When I have money, I will take the person I hate the most to the best mental hospital!

Thirteen, look at the time is not to get up, but to see how long you can sleep. ...

Fourteen, when school starts, the teacher will tell you that "school is your home". When you sleep in class, the teacher says, "You think school is your home". When cleaning, the teacher will tell you that "school is your home". When you don't wear school uniform, the teacher said, "Do you think school is your home?" !

Fifteen, there is a kind of base, boasting the scar and forgetting the pain. ...

I have been trying to copy every exam for more than ten years. For what? Is it for yourself? It's not just to improve the class average, for the sake of the teacher's face, for the grade director's evaluation of the first place, for the principal to go to the education bureau meeting with face, and every time he copies, he is scared to sweat. Did I mention complaining? I'm so selfless. What else do you want from me?

Seventeen, what is a class teacher, is to destroy your friendship and then destroy your love, don't let go of your family!

Eighteen, don't play hard now, I'll play with you later.

Yesterday, I took part in the pigeon racing in the city, but I went alone. ...

Twenty, it is better to be ruthless than to tear your heart out.

Due to the recent frequent earthquakes, the road to love has been broken. Please make a detour.

School life is average. I am just a little tired and want to sleep, but my classmates and teachers are very funny and often laugh. There is always a hunch that my former classmates will be in a better mood after the eleventh holiday.

Twenty-three, an upright man, do your homework! Business women don't know how to hate their country and do their homework all day! I looked up and found it was moonlight. I bowed my head and did my homework! If relatives and friends in Luoyang ask each other, just say I'm doing my homework! Young people don't work hard, but the boss does his homework! Sitting up in critical condition, I didn't do my homework today! Be a good person alive and do your homework when you die! No one has died since ancient times, so continue to do your homework in the afterlife! Looking for him in the crowd, suddenly looking back, the man was doing his homework!

24. W: I'm worried. Can you listen to me? Say it. W: I had a good time during the National Day holiday. After eight days of revelry, my clothes are full of the essence of sunshine and sweat. This is a real feminine fragrance. Suddenly, I feel that I can reach the realm of unity of people and clothes in a few days, which is very good for peach blossoms. Man: Speak human words. W: I don't want to wash clothes. ...

25, my god, you let summer and winter share a room, right? Give birth to this damn weather

Twenty-six, sometimes patronize the refrigerator at night, just want to know ... the real food, dare to face the thick thighs, dare to challenge the bulging abdomen. 20 12 November and Mid-Autumn Festival are linked together. Will there be a ten-day holiday in a row? No, God gave it to us before the end of the world.

Twenty-seven, every time the teacher thinks he is awesome. After teaching for more than ten years, he never thought that we had been students for more than ten years and had never seen any teachers. The teacher is weak

Twenty-eight The woman who used to cook uncooked rice is yours. It doesn't matter if you cook raw rice into popcorn now.

Twenty-nine, if fate grabs your throat, you scratch fate's armpit.

Chinese can at least increase your literary knowledge, English can make you communicate with ghosts, history can keep you from betraying, geography can keep you from getting lost, politics can let you know how to safeguard your rights, but what else can mathematics do except ruin your life? You can buy functional food. When you see a row of telephone numbers, you should think about whether there is a general formula between them.

Thirty-one, the figure is actually quite good, fat but not greasy.

32. I didn't know until school started: the farthest distance in the world is from Monday to Friday.

Thirty-three, a man is so funny, saying that his hand turned over the grave robbery, and then he lost control and couldn't stop, and then the eleventh holiday was gone … gone … after watching the grave robbery, the holiday was gone …

Thirty-four, look at the middle of the nose, look at the face with neat bangs, look at the temperament with oblique bangs, and look at the five senses without bangs ... I am suitable for masks! ! !

Thirty-five years old, very sad, very depressed, and there is only the last day of the eleventh holiday. You wake up naturally after a sleep, you eat and drink, you are stuck on the highway, and your heart is broken. You have to say goodbye to the longest holiday in history, 20 12.

36. There are no ifs in life, only consequences and results.

Thirty-seven, I couldn't help sneezing when I took the bus in the morning. I heard a woman in the back seat say, honey, I heard that influenza A is very serious recently, so I'm afraid of Austria. Then the man said, "What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of a stream even if you are not afraid of people? " ?

Thirty-eight, goose, cut the curve with a knife, pluck the hair and add water, ignite and cover the pot.

People in the upper class like to do dirty, low-level and boring things.

Forty, dad says handsome men lie, and mom says unattractive men lie. Your father is a good example.

Forty-one, as long as you have classes in your heart, you won't skip classes anywhere.

Forty-two, counting the college entrance examination, we spent 12 years of our youth, with at least 400,000 to 500,000 tuition fees. We supported Chen Guang Factory, True Color Factory, Machine Reading Card Factory, numerous paper mills, numerous printing houses, Hanlin Bookstore, Xinhua Bookstore, urban transportation industry, restaurants around the school, as well as all teachers' salaries and bonuses, the principal's car, gas money and gymnasium. College entrance examination is a national pillar private enterprise. This is our credit!

When you ask the male toad what is the most beautiful, his answer must be the female toad. There is no doubt about his appreciation level, but his environment is different.

Female customer: Does this suit look good on me? Shop assistant: Everything looks good on you! Female customer: Does this necklace look good on me? Shop assistant: Any necklace looks good on your neck. Female customer: Do you think my husband looks good? Shop assistant: madam, any gentleman standing next to you will look good!

Forty-five, eleven: blocking, a line of egrets in the sky, Lao Tzu squeezed in the middle; Excuse me, where is the restaurant? It's blocked at the toll booth. She also hid half of her face behind her guitar so that we couldn't see it, and forgot to bring instant noodles in the car; Since God has given talents, let them be used! Do not move for five hours. Cold rain into the night, watching the sunrise on the highway; Apes on both sides of the strait don't cry, and they don't live in cars at home. Roar when the road is rough and walk the dog on the highway; The mountains and rivers in Wan Li are all red, and every bear is glad to go out.

46, 600 in the morning, you lie in bed, close your eyes for 5 minutes, open your eyes, it is 745. In the afternoon 130, you sit in the classroom, close your eyes for 5 minutes, but after you open your eyes, it is 13 1.