Very classic funny quotations

In study, work and even life, we always have to contact or use quotations. Quotations are records or excerpts from speeches. So what quotations do you know? The following are very classic funny quotations I collected for reference only. Let's have a look.

1, problems that can be solved with money are not problems, but the problem is that I am poor.

The chicken's resistance is to make its meat unpalatable.

My greatest skill is to use cheap things and expensive effects. Such as cameras, microphones, and yourself.

4, listen to your words, hang the southeast branch.

I used to believe that I could turn my life into a joke, but now I just hope not to turn my life into a case.

You can't believe any news until it is officially denied.

7. "If your wife and your lover fell into the water at the same time, would you like to find a plump one or a petite one?" "I still can't find anyone who can't swim."

8, the population is heavy, it is planned to ban coke and drink syrup.

Don't you know that you didn't do anything except dream about what I was doing and I was busy?

10, don't use a honey trap on me, or I'll play along.

1 1. The fortune teller said that I would meet a woman who was important to my life when I was eighty. Her name is Meng Po.

12, I feel sad every time I see you eating pork. It's the same root What's the hurry?

13, I hate Qin Shihuang. He burned the book, but he didn't finish it.

14, "Uncle policeman, I lost my bag" "Don't worry, it's on me" "Then give it back to me!"

15, there is a man alive and he is dead. Some people are alive, and he should have died.

16, I am in a bad mood today I just want to say four sentences, including the first two, and that's all.

17, I saw a couple making out on the road. So I ran to the boy and said, Brother, today's sister is not as beautiful as yesterday. ...

18, fleshy, don't hit your legs or chest if you can!

19, time is like a ditch, squeeze it, there will always be!

I want to be a man and marry a good woman like me in my next life.

2 1, "What are you doing", "I'm looking in the mirror", "What are you doing with your eyes closed" and "I'm watching me sleep".

22. "What's your specialty?" "The boiled water I cooked is not bad."

23. "From childhood to adulthood, does anyone remember it, which made your heart sweet and sour?" "Yes, it is the uncle who sells candied haws at my door."

24. "Do you mind if my chest is small?" "No, I like the feeling of childhood." "What do you mean?" "I grew up playing.

25. When men and women flirt, the most distinctive Chinese character is born: bump.

26. I knew he was a bad guy, but I forgot to say it.

27, let the storm come more violently, anyway, I sell umbrellas!

28, you also let me kneel and rub the washboard, and I really can't stand the electric heating!

I want to condense my life into a joke.

30. If you can't tell your tutor clearly, confuse him!

3 1, you are not Huang Rong, you are just a locust, why do you want jing elder brother? You are shameless.

32, so shameless, so heartless, your weight should be very light, right

33. Women's clothes are called capital, and men's clothes are called perverts.

Life is like shit, once washed away, it will never come back.

35. It's better to be beautiful than to live beautifully!

36. The future is bright, but there is no road.

37. A Taoist who doesn't want to become a monk is not a good monk.

38. Not everyone can keep a low profile. The basis of keeping a low profile is to keep a high profile at all times.

39. Not afraid of the long road, afraid of short-sightedness, not afraid of slowness, afraid of standing constantly; If you are not afraid of poverty, you are afraid of laziness, your opponent, and you are afraid of shivering.

40. Turning girls into women is the most basic responsibility and obligation of men.

4 1, women don't care about decency, decency is because there is not enough temptation, men don't care about loyalty, and loyalty is because the chips of betrayal are too low.

42. You, you, you little leprechaun, poisoned me with your love poison, but you didn't give me the antidote! Little villain! Oh, I'm dying! Help me! The solution is simple: give me your love!

43. Love that does not feel pain is not true love, and marriage that does not feel happiness must be a sad marriage.

44. Teacher, just follow the old lady! ... after a long time ... teacher, please give me a break!

45. Male: Outside the Qingshan Building outside the mountain, love and marriage are free. Woman: Wanshui Qian Shan is just idle and in no hurry to make money.

46, friends fall in love for two months, the screen name changed to "blue". Only recently did I know that the literal translation of blue into Chinese is called "Bulu".

47. It's too late for you to fall in love now, so you should study wholeheartedly in college. It should have been solved in junior high school and high school.

48. Who will marry me in the future: I don't know who you are dating now. Don't waste your feelings on others. Let's get to know each other sometime.

49. Today I heard an eight-year-old girl sing, two tigers, two tigers, falling in love, falling in love. All men, all men, so perverted, so perverted.

50. Even if you are frustrated again, you should fall in love and talk about a world full of love!

5 1. The longest love I have ever talked about is narcissism. I love myself and have no rival in love.

52. I read an article in Weibo saying whether you would like to fall in love with yourself. I struggled for a long time and finally chose not to. For an instant, I stopped blaming the people who abandoned me.

53, the gentleman revenge, ten years is not late, the villain revenge, from morning till night.

54. There will be no pie in the sky, only a trap.

55. If I die, my first sentence is: I don't have to be afraid of ghosts at last.

56. I have done two things wrong in my life, one is to live and the other is to live.

57. We are just passers-by, playing group games here. Whether you lose or I win, we will play games together in the end!

Don't pose in front of me, I'm afraid I can't help but want to drop my camera.

59. Break up with you because you don't deserve to hold hands!

60. One day, San Xiao cried because San Xiao appeared!

6 1, if life deceives me, then I will also deceive life.

62. I am proud of my flat chest. I save cloth for the country.

63. A man has gold under his knee. I cut off my whole leg and didn't even find a copper coin!

64. People can't lower their noble heads, except when picking up money.

When I was a child, I thought I could save the world when I grew up. When I grow up, I find that the whole world can't save me.

If my friends can sell for five dollars each, I can make a small fortune.

67. I only trust two people in the world, one is me and the other is not you.

We can avoid everyone, but we can't avoid a fly. What makes us unhappy in life is often trivial things.

69. Wearing Hengyuanxiang's sweater, carrying a gift box of melatonin, holding three refined calcium gluconate and Taiji chicken juice syrup is a performance art that many people go to.

70. When you grow up, marry Tang Yan and be your husband. You can play and play, but you won't eat him.

7 1, don't look at what you shouldn't see, don't say what you shouldn't say, don't listen to what you shouldn't listen to, and don't think about what you should do.

72. Don't talk to me about feelings. Talking about feelings hurts money.

73. Love sometimes feels like being drunk. The mind is clear, but the behavior is out of control.

74. If you don't say forever, who can promise the future? All we can grasp is the local feelings at that time. But life is made up of countless now, and every moment is forever.

75. Study hard for China! A pack of China cigarettes is a lot of money!

76. In a harmonious campus, cyclists may be doctors, and Mercedes-Benz drivers may be logistics personnel.

77. Sometimes explanations are unnecessary. Enemies don't believe your explanation, and friends don't need your explanation.

78. I met a junior high school female classmate in the restaurant. She didn't remember me, so I reminded her, "Do you remember the boy who was punished for kissing you in the Woods in junior high school?" Her little face turned red, and she said excitedly, "Are you that person at that time?" I smiled in shame. "Yes, I turned me in!"

79. I angered my wife again. It is no use apologizing. She turned around the house angrily: "Hum! I'm going to buy expensive ones! " As soon as I heard it, it turned around! Spend money to eliminate disasters! Immediately said: "Good! I will accompany you to buy it. " Then we went to the commodity market and bought a washboard. ...

80, advertising is to tell others that his money can still be spent like this.

8 1. Most of us who are alive have only done three things in our lives: deceiving ourselves, deceiving others and being bullied.

82. A man and a woman are making out. The man worked hard, but the woman didn't respond. The man asked angrily, "can't you respond a little?" Can't even call the bed! "The woman immediately shouted," Sleep! ! Bed! ! "

83. The dialogue between the fortune teller and the lady: "Your life is not good." "Why?" "Because you have a bad omen." "Then can I take off my bra?" "No, as soon as you take off the bad omen, there are two big waves in life.

84. I am in Jianghu, but there are no legends about me in Jianghu.

85, a diploma, two languages (proficient in English), three rooms and one living room, four seasons famous brand, good facial features, generous, with a monthly salary of 7 thousand, exquisite, nine (alcohol) non-smoking, very honest.

86. We have a little difference: she wants me to turn dung into gold, and I want her to treat gold as dung!

87. There is a kind of person who only does two things: you succeed, he envies you, you fail, and he laughs at you.

88, not afraid of God-like buddies, but afraid of dog-like friends.

89. God gave us worldly desires, but we turned them into pornography and violence.

90, to buy water, the boss said two pieces, I said the bottle said the suggested retail price 1.5 yuan? The boss said, "I don't accept his suggestion!" " "

9 1, I think we should be friendly to strangers, such as financial insurance, English training, study abroad services, sex hotels, blind date agencies, sales of infertility products, and questionnaires. I always answer the phone with my ex-boyfriend's name and address patiently and kindly.

92. Heroes don't ask for a way out, hooligans don't look at their age!

93. It takes thousands of years to change from a monkey to a human, and only one bottle of wine is needed to change from a human to a monkey.

94. There are flowers in spring, moons in autumn, cool breeze in summer and snow in winter. If there is no trouble, it is a good time on earth.

Nobody can predict the future, so there are always people who regret it.

96. Men conquer women by conquering the world! Women conquer the world by conquering men!

97. The unfairness of this world lies in: God said, "I want light!" " "So there was this day. The beauty said, "I want a diamond ring!" " "So she got a diamond ring. The rich man said, "I want a woman!" " "So he has a woman. I said, "I want to take a shower! ""I can't believe the water has been cut off.

No one has stepped on my head since I turned into shit.

99. Boss, have a bowl, with tears streaming down your face.

100, the rich are afraid that others will know that he has money, while the poor are afraid that others will know that he has no money.