Campus humor

A: Get up, get out of class is over!

The monitor rubbed his eyes: stand up!

At this time, only a dozen students stood up sleepily and said: Thank you, teacher!

Learning English

Once I was tutoring a junior high school child and found the following horrible words in his English textbook:

Dad died (bus)

My father is dead (yes)

My brother is dead (girls)

My sister is dead (Mis?)

......

Dead light (school)

Geography test

During the geography test, the teacher asked students to briefly describe the following places:

Arabia, Singapore, the Cape of Good Hope, Rome , Nagoya, Macau.

Xiao Ming wrote: Once upon a time, there was an old father-in-law, everyone called him Arab.

One day he went out to climb mountains, and when he climbed to Singapore

Suddenly Seeing a Roman with a Cape of Good Hope on its head rushing towards him, he was so frightened that he ran into Nagoya and quickly closed Macau.

University Food

A freshman bought a scone and was walking on the road when a large car suddenly drove towards him. In panic, the scone dropped and fell under the wheels. When the car passed by, the remorseful freshman was surprised to find that the scones were intact and embedded in the ground! In order not to waste, he decided to pick up the scones, but he failed to pick them up with his hands and spoons. When he was in trouble, he happened to A kind-hearted old student passed by. After understanding the situation, the old student immediately took out a fried dough stick from his schoolbag without saying a word, and saw a "bang", and the scones came out!

Euphemism

The professor was giving an ethics class. He told the students how to remind others of embarrassing things.

"For example, if you see grass clippings on a girl's butt, you should politely do so

Said: 'Girl, there are grass clippings on your shoulder'. The girl looked towards her shoulder, then down - she saw it.

At this time, a female student stood up with her hands raised. I got up and said, "Professor, the zipper of your tie is open!"

Girl

One night, I was walking on the third education platform, and saw a woman coming gracefully with long hair. Gone with the wind, I can't help but look at it sideways. After approaching for a moment, the woman suddenly stopped and looked at me. Yu secretly said, "Aren't I very handsome?" But when I saw Yi's eyes widened and the corners of her mouth twitching, I sighed, "Am I too ugly?" But he saw that Yi's eyes were getting wider and wider, and his mouth was opening wider and wider. I was so afraid that I secretly thought that I was a true gentleman in normal times and had never offended her, let alone not knowing her. I almost wanted to turn around and run away, but suddenly I heard Yi shouting "...ah...sneeze!!!". Yi rubbed her nose and drifted away. I was sweating profusely.

Twice

When I first entered the school, I took the student code test and everyone copied it. There were two of them:

: Those who cheated twice during college should be advised to do so. Drop out of school.

: Those who get married during college are advised to drop out.

I have bad eyesight, so when I handed out the paper, I found that it was copied as follows:

: Those who got married twice during college were advised to drop out.

African wild boar

The biology teacher was enthusiastically describing the appearance of the African wild boar on the stage.

Occasionally, when he glanced around the audience, he found that most of the students were laughing. Sleepy. So he was furious

and shouted: "You have to look at me! If you don't look at me, how do you know

what the African wild boar looks like?"

Joke from the middle school English teacher

When I was in high school, my English teacher D was very good at English, but unfortunately my Chinese was not good.

In class one day, Teacher D explained "independent structure" and gave a classic example:

"Our teacher comes into the classroom, book under arm."

Then translated into Chinese: " The teacher entered the classroom with a book under his crotch."

The class burst into laughter.

Grading

This is a joke told by the class teacher

Once upon a time, there was an old gentleman who graded students and only gave three grades

The most The best is called dog fart

The second best is called dog fart

The worst is called fart dog

The chicken crows in the middle of the night

When I was in junior high school, in English class One chapter is "The cock crows in the middle of the night."

When the teacher was teaching, Shundai talked about the roots of English words:

Landlord is composed of land, land, and lord, owner. - "Land"

+"Master" is "Landlord"

Then, the teacher asked everyone: What does motherland mean?

“Landlord!” Everyone replied in unison.

The professor said...

One day a professor suddenly stopped teaching,

he said to everyone seriously:

If you sit down If the students chatting in the middle can be as quiet as the students sitting in the back playing cards,

then the students sleeping in the front will not be disturbed.

Department of Philosophy

A certain gentleman graduated from the Department of Philosophy of Fuzhou University. After graduation, he could not find a job and remained unemployed at home. One day, a college classmate introduced him to work at Muzha Zoo, and he happily went. It turns out that a tiger in the zoo was temporarily ill and sent to the hospital, so he was asked to wear a tiger skin for a while. He thought no one would know it was him anyway, so he agreed. After putting on the tiger skin and entering the animal cage, he walked around pretending to be a tiger. Not long after, the animal cage opened, and another tiger came in. He was so frightened that he kept retreating to the corner; and that The tiger kept approaching him...

...When he finally retreated to the point of no return, the tiger spoke...

"Don't be afraid, brother! I am from the Department of Philosophy, National Taiwan University!"

Down to earth

This is a true story that happened in a senior's dormitory:

Fa Ge has a new girlfriend and he brags about it to everyone he meets. How beautiful is his girlfriend's appearance... One day

Fa Ge was sitting alone at his desk looking at his girlfriend's photos and was filled with admiration and said, "It really looks like a fairy descending to earth...

"His roommate was curious for a moment and couldn't help but want to borrow a photo to see the fairy descending to earth, preparing to be "surprised"

; but after reading it, he only had one question: "When you, the fairy, descended to earth...... Did you hit the ground face first?"

What is it called?

It is said that there was a shy little boy who fell in love with a beautiful and elegant woman. He was shy

I secretly observed her life every day, and finally found a cycle--she would eat noodles at a certain noodle shop on a certain day every week

He felt that the time was ripe, so one day he waited for her at the noodle shop. When she entered the shop and sat down, he took a deep breath

, mustered up his courage, and strode towards He asked her name.

He said: Miss, what is your name?

The lady opened her big eyes and said to him: My name is Beef Noodles.

p>

Animals

Teacher: What are you wearing on your feet?

Student: Leather shoes

Teacher: Where does that leather come from? ?

Student: It comes from cows

Teacher: So, what is the animal that provides you with leather shoes to wear and meat for you to eat?

Student : It’s my dad.

Succinct and concise words

My middle school classmate is famous for his concise and concise words. One day there was a group meeting in the class, which was unbearably long.

Finally, everyone was asked for their opinion. When he was asked, he replied: "I want to urinate.". ?

Fossils

Geology students were doing field practice, and a student happened to find a large fossil. Lecturer A said

It was a tree fossil, Lecturer B insisted it was a dinosaur leg bone. Both sides argued endlessly. The students

didn’t know who was right, but they knew that both lecturers were going to grade their internship reports

so a smart classmate wrote on the report and found out The dinosaur's wooden legs.

Couplets

The Chinese teacher explained the couplets on the stage, giving an example: "A certain newspaper once publicly solicited "Nantong

zhou north, Tongzhou, south, north, Tongzhou, Tongnan, north." As a result, there were a lot of submissions, and one sentence was very good, which was "Pawn shops in the east and things in pawn shops in the west pawn things in pawn shops." At this time, a naughty student suddenly

Shouting: "Boys and girls, boys and girls, boys and girls."

Poly detector

Dad had a lie detector. He asked Dehua: "How was your math score today?" ?"

Dehua replied: "A" the lie detector rang!

Dehua added: "B" the machine also rang!

Dehua changed his answer: "C" and the machine rang again!

Dad shouted angrily: "I've always gotten A's before!"

At this time, the lie detector The machine overturned!

Bird Exam

It is said that the final exam of a certain subject in the Department of Zoology of a certain school (as for which subject it is, is no longer the focus.

In No questions asked). The old professor was carrying a birdcage covered with black cloth, with only two bird legs exposed. The exam question was: write down the species of the bird based on the observed bird legs.

A certain student worked hard to prepare for the exam for several weeks, but in the end he failed to test anything, and he got like this

It’s not like he took a bad exam... If he gets angry, he just slaps the table , I handed in a blank paper in advance (without writing my name and student number)

!! The old professor was very angry and asked the student to leave his name...

The student only left his trousers He pulled it up, exposed his hairy legs, and said to the old professor: "Guess who I am?"!!

Check the calculation

An invigilator was staring at a student in confusion. When throwing dice, the strange thing is...

The student threw the same question several times...

I asked the student why?

The student replied helplessly: Is it so difficult that I don’t need to check the calculation?

Professor

“I brought a frog today,” the zoology professor said to the students. /p>

Caught in the pond. In this lesson we are going to dissect a frog."

He took out a cardboard box and opened it carefully. Inside the box was a ham sandwich.

"Strange," the professor was very surprised, "I clearly remembered to have lunch."

Ridiculously clever

There was a graduate from the Agricultural College When I returned to my hometown, I saw an old gardener transplanting fruit trees. Then he said: "Your transplanting method is very unscientific. If you do it this way, you can harvest 7 apples from this tree, which will surprise me

."

The old gardener looked at him and said slowly, "Not only you, I am also surprised.

Because this is a peach tree”

Roll call

A newly graduated normal teacher went to a primary school to teach first-grade students

Her first The thing is to ask students to write their names in the homework book

After that, she took back the homework book and called the names one by one and sent them back, and at the same time got to know the students

But there was one, she I called ten times but no one came to collect it...

"Yellow belly! Yellow belly!...What happened? Where did the person go!!"... .............

In the end, after all the copies were distributed, there was still one copy left, so "those who haven't got it yet raise their hands!!"

At this time, a small girl raised her hand, and the teacher asked: "What is your name?"

"....Huang Yuepo, teacher... ."

The exam is over

Wang You's final exam results were not satisfactory. So he sent a telegram to his brother, asking his father to be mentally prepared.

Soon, my brother Call back: "Father is ready, now please be mentally prepared."

Bedtime talk

One night, a boy's dormitory had a sleeping talk that lasted until three in the morning, and suddenly I thought Discuss a question: "When you meet a

beautiful girl, what should you say first?" A certain gentleman woke up from his dream and said: "Stop talking, let's sleep!"

Cheating

" Polonius was fired for cheating. ”

”What’s going on? "

"During the physical hygiene examination, he counted his ribs and was discovered. ”

Composition

When I was a child, my deskmate was poor at Chinese and it was very difficult to write. Once the teacher asked us to write a composition called lt;lt;Looking at the Clouds;gt;

He is in pain, how should he write to pass?

The first sentence: The weather is very good today, the sun is shining on the earth, and there are no clouds in the sky.

No words.

Thinking...

The professor is kind and humorous. There is a tall and strong physical education student in the class. When the professor's voice comes every time, the physical education student starts to sleep until the physical education student wakes up on time after class. One day, the physical education student arrives and the professor is kind. He said to him

"JACK, please don't be late in the future. This will affect your normal sleep."

Regulations

One day of math class, like As before, the students were listening carefully and taking notes.

The teacher suddenly said in a serious tone: "This is a rule!" "Then the teacher said in a questioning and rhetorical tone: "

What are the regulations? "Everyone was at a loss, their eyes widened. The teacher said in an intriguing tone:

"The tortoise's butt is the bastard's butt! "There was silence.

After a while, the teacher suddenly realized: "I'm sorry, I said it wrong, I said it wrong." There was an uproar.

Tsinghua teacher

A young man from Tsinghua University The teacher loved mahjong. Once, he played all night long. He had a class at 7:40 the next morning. He got off the mahjong table at 7:30 and rushed to the fourth teacher for class. It happened to be on that day The student on duty did not erase the blackboard.

He shouted: "Which one is the banker?" The student on duty did not dare to answer, so he had to wipe it by himself, but the blackboard eraser could not be found, so he He shouted again: "Where is the whiteboard?"...

This is a Chinese class. When talking about new words, the teacher picked up the chalk and wrote a word on the blackboard. "China",

Then he said: "Students, please look at the whiteboard. There is a red center on it. "

It takes a boar

A student in a rural primary school was late. He explained to the teacher: "I am sending a pig for breeding this morning. ”

The teacher asked: “Can’t your father do this?” ”

“No, it must be a boar.”

”

Taste

The Chinese teacher found Zhang San sleeping in class and was very angry, so he woke up Zhang San and asked: Why did you sleep in class?

But, Zhang San San refused to admit sleeping.

Zhang San: I didn’t sleep.

Teacher: Why did you close your eyes?

Zhang San: Teacher, I’m here. Read the text silently.

The teacher didn’t believe it, so why did you just keep nodding?

Zhang San: Teacher, your lecture was very good.

The teacher still didn’t believe it. , said: Then why are you drooling?

Zhang San: Teacher, your lectures are very interesting.

Do one good thing every day

Teacher asked two questions. A student asked: "Did you do one good deed a day today?"

The two students answered in unison: "Yes!"

The teacher asked: "What did you do?" ”

Student: “Let’s help an old lady cross the road.”

Teacher: “Well, that’s great, but why do we need two people to help an old lady cross the road?” ?”

Student: “Because the old lady didn’t want to cross the street.”

Conclusion

The professor was annoyed by the series of questions from the students in class. I have no choice but to say: A fool can ask more questions than ten smart people can answer. No wonder so many of us fail when we take exams.

Everyone has their own explanation

A student asked the teacher for advice: "What is the difference between hitting someone and being hit?" History teacher: The person who hits is the aggressor, and the person being hit is the victim. English teacher: Hitting someone is active, being hit is passive. Physics teacher: Hitting someone is exerting force, being hit is resistance. Dean of Students: Each student will receive a major offense.

"Where are my shoes?" the absent-minded professor murmured at the end of get out of class.

"It's on your feet," one student said.

"Oh, isn't it? Fortunately you saw it, otherwise I would have gone home barefoot."

One night, the absent-minded professor came home very late. . When he reached the door, he suddenly remembered that he had forgotten his key.

He knocked on the door for a long time before his wife got up and opened the door. Because it was dark, she did not recognize him, so she explained:

"I'm sorry, sir, the professor is not at home." The professor was as absent-minded as usual, and he replied: "That's good,

I’ll come back tomorrow.”

The absent-minded professor fell ill and had to be admitted to the hospital. When the doctor came to the door of his ward, the nurse said:

"Professor, the doctor is here." The poor professor snorted and said: "Tell him I can't see him now. I'm sick

It’s amazing.”

The eyes are in the front

Teacher: “During thunder, lightning and thunder sound at the same time. Why do we see the lightning first and then hear it? Thunder?"

Student: "Because the eyes are in front of the ears."

That's it.

During the school's annual trip, the boys and girls in the junior high school... We have different interests and always play separately. Girls walked around in swimsuits, showing themselves off and enjoying the sun. The boy rolled up his pants and caught

small fish in the water.

A teacher in charge of these children lamented: "I don't remember girls being so

mature when I was in junior high school."

"Of course. Yes, it’s just that you were busy catching small fish!” Another teacher said calmly.

What is the Battle of Chibi?

Student: "Teacher, what is the Battle of Chibi?"

Teacher: "Bare arms means shirtless, so the Battle of Chibi naturally means shirtless fighting.

”

A certain monitor fell asleep in class and asked his classmates to call him after class. The classmates pranked him.

A: Get up, get out of class is over!

The monitor rubbed his eyes: stand up!

At this time, only a dozen students stood up sleepily and said: Thank you, teacher!

Graduation Ceremony

At the graduation ceremony, the principal announced that A classmate came to the stage to receive the award, but after shouting several times, the student slowly walked onto the stage. Later, the teacher asked the student, "What's wrong? Are you sick?" ? Or

Didn’t you hear clearly just now?” The student replied: “No, I’m afraid that other students didn’t hear clearly.”

The first episode of Bus Fun Facts.

A high school classmate told me that one time he and his classmate were riding a bus together. Because his classmate was fat and unkempt, he

Not long after his classmate got on the bus, he had a little sister. He said in a very childish and cute voice: Auntie. This seat allows you to sit down.

His classmate thought it was strange why this little girl wanted to give her seat, so he curiously asked: Why did you give

the seat to the older sister? Unexpectedly, the little sister replied confidently and confidently: The teacher said that if you see a pregnant woman, you should give up your seat! ! …The whole car was in silence!

Bus Fun Facts Episode 2

A classmate took the bus to school one day. The bus was overcrowded and it was raining heavily outside. Suddenly, he arrived at a certain stop.

Someone is getting off the bus. It turned out to be a young lady in a long skirt. She was squatting slightly to get an umbrella. ah! When the station arrived, the car was also parked waiting for her to get off! So she stood up in a hurry (which is equivalent to pulling up), but she didn't expect that the hem of her skirt was too long when she squatted down

, and she was stepped on by the people next to her and didn't notice... As a result, she stood up like that (pulled up), and the hook of her skirt snapped... and the hook broke. What's even worse is that... the pull... also... fell down... and the skirt fell down at a free speed.

All that remains is... Little pants! At this time, the bus driver... stayed there, and the whole bus was silent. No one dares to make a sound in the silence! !

It took about a few seconds until the lady pulled up and ran out at an extremely fast speed... Discover…. On a certain bus

there was a loud laugh...it took a long time to stop! It turns out that it was because everyone was so frightened at the time that they didn’t even dare to laugh. They were afraid that the girl would cry, so they held it in! After she jumped out of the car, she held it in. Not…live…. Thousands of voices resound! !

What is courage...

During the mid-term exam in the philosophy department of a university, they taught an application question about what courage is. A student wrote "This is it" on the exam paper

and handed it in. ． ． The result was an A...

The last class

In the last class, the teacher asked: Does anyone want to express an opinion? Ah Fu will post something….

Afu: The teacher teaches very well.

The teacher nodded happily and asked: Do you think it is worth recommending to your classmates...

Ah Fu: It is very worth it...

The teacher smiled with satisfaction and asked: What is your reason?

Ah Fu said slowly: trapped. Harmful. he….

I saw the teacher's face suddenly change...

College student

A college student went to work on his uncle's farm during the summer vacation. One day, his uncle asked him to milk cows. , and gave him a pedal,

and asked him if he could squeeze... The college student said: I am a college student, there is nothing I can’t do. 1 hour passed. 2 hours

hours…3 hours…. After a long time, he finally came back. The uncle asked: Why did it take so long? The college student replied: Milking a cow is easy, but getting the cow to sit on the pedal is more troublesome.

College Proverbs

Beijing University’s famous brand is the food of the Minyuan;

Beijing Foreign Language School’s girl is Tsinghua University’s Han;

The Renmin University’s hooligans are full of street station.

Tsinghua University produces fools, Peking University produces lunatics, Renmin University produces liars, and Normal University produces bastards

It is said that Americans are poor in mathematics, but I have experienced it firsthand after I came here. A friend of mine is a student in the mathematics department. He teaches precalculus (our school is a very good school in the United States for science and engineering). In the exam papers he corrected, , made a lot of jokes:

1. when n=infinity, sinx/n=6. Can you imagine why? Someone

cancel the n in sinx with the n in the denominator and get six! ! !

2. An example was given in class: when n=infinity, lim (n/8)

=infinity (8 across), and then there was a question like this in the exam: when n=

infinity, lim (n/5) =? The answer for several people was to turn 5 sideways! !

Tsinghua’s Masters

Tsinghua deserves to be the home of academic science and technology. The masters of the cafeteria have been influenced by their eyes and ears, and they need to be admired with admiration!

It is said that one day a certain southerner was queuing up to buy Xiaolong Baozi.

He said to the chef: Here are four Baozi. (This is a public number of four, ten or ten.)

Master: How many?

This man: si?

Master: How many are there?

The man was anxious and said, "ten, of course"

The master replied: "I see!" Then he quickly made ten buns for him, and added: "I said no

It's so laborious!"

Everyone was stunned...

p>

The teacher asked Fenfen: What are you eating there?

Chewing gum! Fenfen replied.

Spit it out immediately! The teacher scolded.

No, Fenfen said: My friend Kaikai just lent it to me! !

A group of primary school students visited the museum. After looking around, Xiao Weiming felt very tired and sat on a chair. The teacher

was surprised to see it from behind the museum's docent, but luckily the docent hadn't seen it yet. The teacher angrily whispered to Wei

Ming: Get up! Are you crazy? That's Napoleon's chair! Ah, teacher, my feet are so sore!

If he comes, I will get up immediately and give up my seat to him! Wei Ming said.

As soon as Xiao Ming got home today, he said to his parents: "Today the teacher asked a question at school that only I can answer."

Parents Yu Yourong asked nervously : "What's the problem?" "The teacher asked: Who didn't turn in the homework?"

The teacher asked the students: How to explain that 'sharing pain with others will reduce the pain by half'?

Xiao Lun replied: If my father beats me, I will beat my brother immediately!

Professor: xxx, please shake the guy next to you awake. This is class, not sleeping time

Student: Professor, please shake him up. Yes You made him fall asleep

Late

A student was late for school

The teacher asked: Why are you late?

Student replied: I’m done eating!

The teacher said: You didn’t even eat the plate!

Interpretation

A university professor said to his students: "In ancient times, 'Lu' means kissing, mouth to mouth, very vivid;" one of them

The student asked: "If 'LV' means kissing, then how does 'Pin' Yu explain that three people kissed together?"

The professor was about to get angry. , another classmate stood up and said: "I think the word 'pin' is easy to explain, but what about 'qi'yu? What's the point of four people

and a dog?" The whole class burst into laughter, and the professor threw it Go away with the book.

Ru Zi Ke Teachable

Teacher: "What is your name and why are you making trouble?"

Student: "My name is Wang Xiaodai.

"

Teacher: "You have to be polite when speaking to the teacher, and you must use the title "Sir", do you understand? ”

Student: “Yes, my name is Mr. Wang Xiaodai.” ”

During a chemistry exam in a certain school

A secretly asked B

What is the chemical formula of water?

H2O

Result

A wrote on the test paper

hijklmno

Insert it there

One day during the circuit experiment, the trainee teacher Asked: "Some capacitor pins are of different lengths, and some are not. What's the difference?" Student A replied: "Plug it into the bread board." 』

Teacher Xi Shi: 『! @#$^amp;*（）』

Self-comfort

Hearing:

The assignment may not be handed in

If it is handed in, it may not be written by myself

If it is written, it may not be good

If it is written, it may not be taken in the exam

If you take the exam, you may not be able to pass it

If you pass it, you may not be able to graduate

After you graduate, you may not be able to find a job

If you find a job, you may not find a wife

If you marry a wife, you may not have children

If you give birth to a child, it may not be your own

Oh my god! Why are you handing in your homework!

Then I won’t hand you in your homework.

A well-known botany professor in China. His teaching assistant was studying new varieties of plants. Suddenly the teaching assistant asked the professor: What should the professor do if he encounters an unknown plant in a field class? The professor replied: In order to avoid classmates?

Ask questions, so I usually walk at the front, and then trample all the unknown plants to death.

Campus Jokes (1)

Instructor: Why. Do you skip classes quickly and frequently?

Dumb: There is no way, you are very talented.

Instructor: But you don’t have to climb the wall anymore

Dumb: Really?

Instructor: No, you are expelled, you can go through the gate!

Campus Jokes (2)

In the campus, the honesty movement is greatly promoted.

Student A: How to reward students if they find money?

Student B: If you find money, reward it once. : What about the pornographic film?

Yisheng: Will the instructor believe that you picked it up?

Just leave it to me.