Collect jokes

Once I was eating in the Tsinghua cafeteria. Two girls were sitting across from each other. I heard one say to the other: "I'm not full yet. I want to eat more." The other said: You What do you want? I'll buy it. "The girl in front said: "It's that kind of fan-shaped sharp-angled cake. You can help me buy two more pieces." "I thought to myself: Tsinghua girls are indeed different. We usually just call that kind of cake triangular cake.

Analysis, such a woman dare not marry as a wife. After getting married, she will ask lg to eat: Hey, that one is not Regular polyhedron, come here!

(2)

I was queuing up to buy 8 pieces of watermelon, and I heard the master in front of me say to the operator ppmm, "How much do you want?" "Operator mm said: "Just 1/2 of that piece. The master thought for a moment, "Isn't it just half? What do you mean half." ”

(3)

The professor at Tsinghua University said even more awesomely that once I went to the school hospital to have my eyes checked, and I heard a teacher in front of me describing the symptoms to the doctor: "Er... Well

...that object and its elephant cannot overlap..." We stared at each other for a long time. The doctor and aunt suddenly had an epiphany: "You mean to say that there is weight in seeing things? Shadow, right? "

...I have admired it for a long time.

(4)

My parents are doctors, and the uncles and aunts around me are all doctors. Once, an aunt went to buy When eating vegetables, he said to the butcher, “Master, here’s a pig kidney. "The master was confused and ignored her.

A man came by and said, "I want this kidney." "So, the only pork kidney left on the meat stall was snatched away. Auntie was very depressed.

(5)

The first time I went to the cafeteria to eat dragon I had only seen other people eating it deliciously before. I didn’t know what it was called, so I told the chef: “Master, the diameter of that kind of noodles is relatively thin, probably no more than 2 mm. Then I added two halves. There are some hard-boiled eggs, and there are..." I was about to say "green leaf-shaped stuff" when the chef said: "Check in!" "But when I saw it was only $1.50, I felt that the Dragon Beard Noodles shouldn't be so cheap, so I repeated: "Master, what I want is that..."

"Okay, okay, Dragon Beard Noodles Well, I understand! ”

(6)

The following is the conversation between a certain friend and the doctor when we donated blood that year. It may be old, haha.

Doctor : Classmate, please bend your arm.

Classmate: What is the bending angle?

Doctor: ...

Doctor: Classmate, please hold your hand.

Classmate: What is the frequency?

(Seven)

When I was a senior in college, I explained to the people in the room that we have A kind of melon is described as follows: "About 10cm in diameter, shaped like a space body formed by a heart-shaped pattern rotating around its axis of symmetry. ”

As a result, I was despised all night and continued to be despised the next day.

(8)

I have always tried to avoid such mistakes, so I once pointed out Holding the watermelon, he said: "I want half of half...half of half..."

(I still thought about it for a while, fearing that if I said one less thing, I would have no money to pay)

The master waved his knife He said: “One-eighth, right? ”

I don’t know if the master was hit (the little girl in front of me actually dared to underestimate my mathematical literacy...)

Anyway, I was hit -_-!

(9)

There was once a joke: Almost everyone knows about the white-haired girl, but after being academicized, no one understands it.

It seems to be translated like this: On the psychological rebound and physiological reversal of Yang women after being subjected to sexual violence...

4. The teacher in the Chinese class said: ""Golden Vase. "Plum Plum" is a masterpiece in the history of Chinese literature, and only professors can borrow it from the library~" At this time, a classmate said disdainfully: "Who said that? I have it at home, and it's a VCD version!"

5. My 7-year-old niece insisted on taking a bath with me. While washing, she said, "Auntie, why are your breasts so small?" I sweated wildly: "Why are they so small?" The little niece pitifully said He glanced at me and comforted me: "It's okay, mine is very small~"

6. I went out to eat with my new girlfriend last night, and when I was halfway through the meal, I suddenly realized that I had forgotten my wallet. Because we had just met, I was embarrassed to ask for a loan, so I blushed and said hesitantly: "I..." Then something unexpected happened! She actually misunderstood and said shyly with a blushing face: "I love you too..."

8. At the beginning of the military training for freshmen, a boy was punched very hard. The instructor said: "Look Look at how good he is in boxing. Let’s learn from him!” At this time, the student yelled: “Shit! Why is this booger so sticky?”

11. Let’s talk about 2008! Japan raided Shanghai and caught China off guard! After the Japanese troops landed, they captured 10,000 people in the People's Square, and then shouted with a loudspeaker: "Tell you who is the party member and let you go!" At this time, everyone pointed at a real estate developer and shouted: "That's him!"

15. The philosophy teacher is a young girl. After the first class, she asked everyone to write down their feelings. A friend left a motto: A woman engaging in philosophy is like adding water to wine, and at the same time destroys the Two originally beautiful things... (I love Nankai)

21. I bought eggs for breakfast, but they were too small. I was dissatisfied and cursed casually: Shameless!

The waiter heard this and was dissatisfied: Who are you scolding?

Me: Hen! This bitch actually had sex with a quail and gave birth to you, a yezhong!

22. Me: Are you the legendary Princess Iron Fan?

Female: Master, why did you say this?

Me: Because...because...because I think your appearance can only be matched by the Bull Demon King!

Female: -_-!!

29. A high school classmate invited me to attend his wedding, because I would have to go home if I went, so I replied: "I have been involved in worldly affairs recently. I’m too busy! I’m really sorry that I can’t participate. Well, I will definitely participate next time!”

33. I have planted some sweet potato leaves at home, and they have become quite lush after a few weeks. I just watered the water tonight, and my mother went to water it again. I stepped forward to stop it, but I heard my mother keep chanting: "I will eat you tomorrow, feed you better today..."

38. Classmate: "How much does 2 (air conditioner) cost?"

Operator: "4799."

Classmate: "What about 1.5?"

Operator: "2500."

Classmate: "Oh, what about Chunlan?"

The operator held back for a long time and said: "I'm sorry, we are a Haier exclusive. ! ”

41. In the train carriage, a little girl pulled a trolley case over my feet. She looked back at me. Of course, I was ready to hear "I'm sorry", but the little girl said cautiously: "I hate it! I'm killing someone~"

43. Night, a few people in the dormitory When discussing job hunting, we found that all good workplaces require spoken English, but everyone is not good at speaking English, so in order to improve their speaking skills, everyone agreed that from now on, all night chats will be in English. As a result, no one spoke that night... (Tian Da Qi truth)

45. A student teased a stuttering child: "If you imitate the duck's call, I will buy you a bag of melon seeds to eat!"

Stuttering child: "Even if you buy me ten bags of melons... melons... melons... melon seeds, I won't teach you how to croak like ducks!!!"

46. Chinese language exercises for senior high school students Couplet: A piece of red cloud welcomes the rising sun, ____________________.

One brother is the cruelest: a red cloud welcomes the rising sun, and the three representatives warm the world! (The political teacher was so moved that he cried on the spot...)

60. I was very poor at math in elementary school. I remember one day when the math teacher assigned me homework, one of the questions was 3 raised to the power of 2. I thought it was 3. ×2? So I wrote 6 with one stroke of my pen. The result is as you can imagine. When the homework was handed out the next day, the teacher marked it with a red cross and asked me to correct it. But I really couldn’t figure out what was wrong, so when I corrected it, I wrote the answer 6 again, and the teacher mercilessly gave me another A red cross. After going back and forth like this for three or four times, the teacher finally couldn't stand it anymore and called me to the office and explained to me repeatedly: "The power of a number is how many times the number is multiplied by itself. For example, 3 to the power of 2 is 3× 3. The third power of 3 is 3×3×3.” I remember it hard! Later in the final exam, there was a fill-in-the-blank question like this: 1 to the hundredth power is equal to (). I thought about what my teacher usually taught me, and I thought, is this too cruel? But it didn’t bother me. I took out a piece of straw paper and multiplied it over and over again... When I finally got to the 83rd time, the math teacher came over. He stood behind me and saw me multiplying by 1 seriously. With 1, seeing that he was done, he quickly walked up to the podium and said: "Students, there is a mistake in one of the questions. Please correct it now. For the fill-in-the-blank question of 1 to the power of 100, please change it to 1 to the power of 1000. Fang. "I was shocked and fainted immediately...

71. After working hard for more than half a month, a Japanese finally rowed from the Japanese island to the Diaoyu Islands. When he shed tears and took out his mobile phone with trembling hands to apply for the Guinness World Records, when he turned on the mobile phone, it showed: China Mobile does not welcome you!

81. I took a taxi with my friend to meet an online friend. When we were almost there, my friend pointed at an extremely ugly girl not far away and said to the driver: "Have you seen that woman?"

“You saw it, stop there?”

“No, hit her to death!!!”

85. The professor asked his female doctors with concern : "Is the recent subsidy enough? Go buy some beautiful clothes so that you can wear them when you go out to play. Also, have you two found your boyfriend? You will all come for the doctoral re-examination in two days. Are you interested? Anyone who just nods to me will kill them!"

86. Send a text message to your classmates: There is something I have always wanted to find an opportunity to ask you solemnly. Can you promise to tell me the truth? ?

He replied (very seriously): Tell me, what is it?

Me: Do you regret teasing Chang'e in heaven?

He:￥#·……#￥￥#!

99. A student is pre-selecting courses for the next semester online. The new course selection system displays the following content: "Hello, classmate, please enter your student ID and press # to end. To withdraw from school, please press 5. To suspend school, please Press 6, please press 7 to resume school." Driven by strong curiosity, he pressed "5", and then he saw the system reply: "Drop out successfully!" His face suddenly changed with fear! At this time, a hope appeared in his mind. Wasn't there just "Please press 7 to resume school"? So he pressed "7" and saw the system reply: "Sorry, non-students of this school are not allowed to use this system!"

Professor

"I brought a frog today. "The zoology professor said to the students, "We just caught it from the pond. In this class, we are going to dissect the frog." He took out a cardboard box and looked at it carefully. open. Inside the box was a ham sandwich.

"Strange," the professor was very surprised, "I clearly remembered having lunch.

Lying talk

One night, a boy's dormitory had a sleeping talk that lasted until three o'clock in the morning. Suddenly he wanted to discuss an issue: "Meeting a

beautiful girl , What should I say first?" A certain gentleman woke up from his dream and said: "Stop talking, let's sleep!"

Cheating

" Polonius was fired for cheating Except."

"What happened?"

"During the physical hygiene exam, he counted his ribs and was found out."

Tsinghua Teacher

A young teacher from Tsinghua University loved mahjong. Once, he played all night. He had a class at 7:40 the next morning.

He played mahjong at 7:30. The student on duty did not wipe the blackboard that day.

His senior student shouted: "Which one is the banker?" The student on duty did not dare to answer, so he had to wipe it himself, but

p>

The blackboard eraser couldn't be found, so he yelled again: "Where did you put the whiteboard?"...

This is a Chinese class, and we are talking about new words. , the teacher picked up the chalk and wrote "China" on the blackboard.

Then he said: "Students, please look at the whiteboard. There is a red Chinese on it."

Taste

The Chinese teacher found Zhang San sleeping in class and was very angry, so he woke up Zhang San and asked: Why did you sleep in class?

However, Zhang San refused to admit sleeping.

Zhang San: I didn’t sleep.

Teacher: Then why do you close your eyes?

Zhang San: Teacher, I am reading the text silently.

The teacher didn’t believe it and said: Then why are you nodding your head?

Zhang San: Teacher, you gave a good lecture.

The teacher still didn’t believe it and said: Then why are you drooling?

Zhang San: Teacher, your class is very interesting.

Do a good deed a day

The teacher asked the two students: "Have you done a good deed a day today?"

The two students answered in unison: " Yes!"

The teacher asked: "What did you do?"

Student: "We helped an old lady cross the road."

Teacher: "Well, that's great, but why do we need two people to help an old lady cross the road?"

Student: "Because the old lady didn't want to cross the road."

I see

During the annual school trip, the boys and girls in junior high school always play separately because of their different interests. Girls walked around in swimsuits, showing themselves off and enjoying the sun. The boy rolled up his pants and caught

small fish in the water.

A teacher in charge of these children lamented: "I don't remember girls being so

mature when I was in junior high school."

"Of course. Yes, it’s just that you were busy catching small fish!” Another teacher said calmly.

During class, a classmate was reading comics.

The teacher found out and asked: What are you doing?

"I'm looking for something."

"Looking for what?"

"Looking for, looking for..."

My neighbor The classmate replied: Make excuses.

History teacher: Why did you leave early?

Bali: I have an important date.

History teacher: Which is more important, history or girlfriend?

Bali: If I'm late again, she will become history! ! !

History teacher: @##$^

Surface tension

Two biochemists were sitting in front of the laboratory drinking coffee, and a beautiful woman came from Walked outside.

The more mature and cautious biochemist saw the look of dementia on his colleague's face,

and said: She is just like us, more than 75% is water.

The colleague still looked stupid and said: Yes, but look at their surface tension!

Team coach

This is what my professor told us. He used to teach in the United States. Some of the team’s students had never gone to school, but they had never gone to university.

After graduation, you can enter the professional basketball team and play in the NBA. After retirement, you often return to your alma mater to coach the team.

There is a student (let’s call him Jordan) who is about to graduate, but he can’t pass calculus, so he can’t graduate and play NB

A! So he asked his coach, who was also the coach of the school team, to help intercede.

Coach: "Professor, please let Jordan pass. The NBA has been waiting for him for a long time!"

Professor: "Okay! Since the coaches have come to help and beg for mercy, let's Give you one last chance"

"What is one plus one?"

Jordan immediately answered without thinking: "Two"

Coach: "Professor, Please give him another chance!"

Remember to brush your teeth! !

In a biological experiment one day, I observed my own saliva cells, looked at them with a microscope and recorded them... While everyone was observing and studying happily, there was a scream... Ah~ It turned out to be the message from the beautiful teaching assistant... The professor thought something happened

so he ran over to take a look at her microscope. He told her: next time you finish your work, remember to brush your teeth

and rinse your mouth! !

.Sex.Education.

One day. Xiao Ming returned home after class very sadly.

My mother asked Xiao Ming: What happened?

Xiao Ming replied: Everyone in Xiaohua in the class knows where he comes from. But I don’t even know

My mother thought that it would be a good time to tell Xiao Ming about things between men and women, and to provide correct sex education

My mother began to tell Xiao Ming: Boys fall in love with each other. girl. Then they got married... and also mentioned how the sperm met the egg

My mother told Xiao Ming everything she knew.

When the mother completes the teaching to her satisfaction.

Xiao Ming is still confused. Look at mom. With a few tears dripping from the corners of his eyes, he said:

Xiaohua said he was from Yilan. But my mother gave me a lot of advice and I still don’t know where I came from.

In class, a teacher was introducing Japanese surname habits to students.

She said: "If there is a Japanese name with the word 'Taro' in it, then he He must be the eldest son. If there is the word 'Jiro' in his name, then he must be the second son... Now, who can name a Japanese with such a name?"

A student stood up and answered loudly: Yamamoto Isoroku

The teacher was giving a lecture above, when a little boy raised his hand and said: "Teacher, I want shit."

The teacher listened to the instruction and said to the student: "You can use another more civilized way to say it."

The student thought for a while and said: "Teacher, I want to vomit in my butt."

A student asked the teacher how to write the word "dung". The teacher forgot for a while and had to say:

"It's right next to your mouth, why can't it come out?"

p>

My younger brother, who is in the fourth grade of elementary school, is really fat and everyone often makes fun of him.

One day, the teacher asked a class of their classmates to start writing down "things they do to help the family every day" in the contact book.

The younger brother couldn't think of anything, so in the end he had to let his mother do it for him. fill in. She wrote in her contact book: "I help the family with meals every day."

The teacher's comment was: "I can see that you work hard!"

A man’s thoughts

Miller, a top student majoring in agriculture at a certain university, returned to his hometown during the summer vacation. A neighbor’s wife wanted to raise chickens to get rich, so she came to ask him for advice. According to the wife, Miller

The chicken coop, chicken food and other data provided told her that it would be more suitable to raise about 30 hens and one or two roosters. At the end of the summer vacation, Miller wanted to go see how his "imagination" was implemented. But he was stunned in front of the chicken coop.

In addition to 30 hens, there are also 30 big roosters. "Mother, if you want to raise 30 hens, one or two roosters are enough. If there are too many roosters, they won't be able to lay eggs, and it will be a waste of food." "You mean, let one or two roosters suffice?" >

One rooster occupies so many hens?" said the neighbor's wife with a blushing face. "Yes." "This is just what you men think, I won't do it!"

Graduation Ceremony

At the graduation ceremony, the principal announced that the top student in the grade would come to the stage to receive the award. , but after shouting several times in a row, the student slowly walked onto the stage. Later, the teacher asked the student: "What's wrong? Are you sick? Or did you not hear clearly?" The student replied: "No, I was afraid that other students did not hear clearly."

What is courage...

During the semester exam of the philosophy department of a university, they taught an application question about what courage is. A student wrote "This is it" on the exam paper

and handed it in. ． ． The result was an A...

Relativity

One day when Xiao Ming ran into the classroom, he stood up again, and then left the classroom again, which happened to... The teacher turned around

When he saw Xiao Ming’s back...the teacher started to curse... Said... People nowadays are less and less aware of the benefits of reading...

...The teacher continued... Well…he doesn’t take my class…. I pawned him... The teacher asked the monitor: What was the name of the student just now? The monitor said…. He is from the next class... I just went to the wrong classroom...

Joke in the dormitory

I have a classmate who never buys toilet paper himself. Whenever he needs it, he goes to others to get it. Once I saw him taking toilet paper from me. I said to him angrily: Why do you keep taking my toilet paper? Don’t you know how to buy it yourself? Hey

hey Yile, said: Don’t be so stingy! Isn’t it just some toilet paper? I’ll just give it back to you after I use it!

2gt; One day, Liu Hongtao met a foreign guest and approached him and said: I am HongTao Liu. The foreign guest said: I am still the Seven of Diamonds

3gt; Master has a rule , when his family and helpers give birth to children, they must be named by him, and they should be named according to what he is doing.

His own people should be considered noble, and his helpers should be considered low.

One morning, his wife gave birth to a son and asked him to name it. He was relieving himself, so she named him "Butt";

In the afternoon, his own wife also gave birth to a son. He had a son and he was shaving his head, so he named him "Head". Later, "butt" died, and his "head" was 7 years old. When the helper saw "head", he couldn't help crying when he thought of his son! That day was Lao Cai's birthday. Lao Cai asked why he was crying.

The helper replied: "I remembered that if I still had my butt, it would be as big as the master's head."

4. Passenger: Miss, why does your plane smell so bad? ?

Stewardess: Sir, because our plane is passing through the ozone layer...

5. On the plane, the flight attendant is collecting the meal trays, and most passengers hand them over for the flight attendants to collect. .

A passenger by the window was indifferent, and the passenger could not reach it, so he said to him: "Can you please pass the plate?"

The passenger said arrogantly: "Are you a waiter, or am I a waiter?"

The flight attendant replied: "I am a waiter, but I am not a gibbon!"

6. Passenger: Miss, take my luggage Put it up!

Flight attendant: Sir, I'm sorry, I can't lift it by myself. Can we come together?

Passenger: Aren’t you an angel?! Can’t an angel be put in there?!

Flight attendant: Sir, you are God and you can’t be put in there. Can I, an angel, be put in there?!

7. The flight attendant was serving meals and came to a passenger and asked: "Sir, we have chicken rice and fish rice. Which one do you want?"

The passenger replied: " "Pork ribs!"

The flight attendant repeated it, and the passenger still replied: "Pork ribs!"

At this time, the flight attendant asked: "We have chicken ribs and fish ribs, which one do you want?" ?"