2 jokes!

There are four of my jokes among the jokes about nature. I would be a fool if I didn't have them.

One of them: Once upon a time, a Shuang died. The family members cried bitterly and said: "It's so good, it's so good." Passers-by asked: "Why are you so happy?" The family members said, "It's so good." "It's so cool."

There are three people in the family, named Robber, Kitchen Knife, and Trouble.

One day, Trouble disappeared. The robber came to the police station with a kitchen knife and told the police. : "Hello, I am a robber. I bring a kitchen knife to look for trouble."

Heehee and Haha are a pair of good friends, very good friends.

One day, Haha died. Hehe was very sad. He walked to Haha's grave and said: "Haha, you are dead."

One day, an elephant was walking in the forest and accidentally touched an ant nest. It was covered with ants, so it shook the ants off, but there was still one on the elephant's neck. At this time, the ants on the ground shouted to the ants above: strangle it... strangle it. It...

Three mice are bragging. One said: "I eat rat poison as candy, and I feel uncomfortable if I don't eat it for a day." The other said: "I love walking down the street twice a day, otherwise I can't sleep well." The third mouse said: "Oh my God. It’s late, go home and hug the cat to sleep.”

The couple was fighting for a child, and the wife said confidently: “If the child comes out of my belly, of course it belongs to me!” The husband said: “That’s a joke! Eight ways. Can the money taken out of the cash machine belong to the one who inserts the card?

The Chinese zodiac signs are also very popular among Westerners Interesting topic, everyone wants to find out what animal they belong to. Unfortunately, "genus" and "belonging to" are often confused.

One day he said excitedly to the secretary girl: " You belong to the pig. ”

In Chinese, “female” or “male” is used to describe the gender of animals. This was too difficult for Hemingway, because in English, male can be used to describe both humans and animals. Or female.

One night Hemingway was walking with her pet dog on the street. When she saw me, she proudly introduced to me, "This is my female dog." ”

Hard hat

In addition to driving a car, Hemingway usually likes to ride a motorcycle, saying it is convenient. I said there are too many cars on the road, so be careful. He answered: It doesn’t matter, I I know how to wear a condom. What he originally meant was "helmet".

Quantifier

The quantifier in Chinese also gave Hemingway a big headache. It's "a good-looking man." When asked what he meant, he said: "A good-looking man means a thin, tall, and good-looking man. "He explained that "one" naturally means long and straight, and "hero" should of course be a good-looking man.

Another time he told me that he saw "a puppy" on the highway. I immediately corrected that it should be a puppy, but he retorted with a serious expression that it was definitely a puppy, because the puppy had been run over by the car, and the crushed puppy naturally turned into a puppy, so Just like a piece of paper or a photo.

In addition, Hemingway plausibly defended things like "a pair of trousers" because trousers have two legs, and two are a pair. That's right. I even argue with Chinese people, insisting that it should be "a set of butts", which sounds very funny.

All kinds of "juice"

Once, I tested Hemingway's idiom ability: "Wring out the ___ juice"

The result is:

"Wring out the ink", "Wring out the milk", " Wring out the juice", "Wring out the soup".

Ha! "You are really racking your brains and you haven't come up with 'racking your brains'

A mother said to a little girl: "If someone sexually harasses you, touch the top and say "no", and touch the bottom. Say "Stop!"

The next day, the little girl was sexually harassed and came back crying to her mother. After hearing what the little girl said, her mother said angrily: "Did you reject that person?"

The little girl looked at her mother with innocent eyes, nodded and said, "That person touched her up and down together, so I said "No~stop"!!"

Ge Liang He is a man who is proficient in eight kinds of skills, one of which is ventriloquism. But on this day, Zhuge Liang was discussing things with Liu Bei in the tent. Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart, but he was afraid that Liu Bei would hear him, so he was embarrassed. He had an idea and said: "My lord, in order to adjust the atmosphere, how about I imitate the woodpecker call and call it to you?" Liu Bei nodded.

Zhuge Liang imitated a woodpecker and called twice, taking the opportunity to fart. Then he asked: "How is it, my lord? Do I learn the same thing?" Liu Bei said: "You can learn it again. You farted so loudly just now that I didn't hear it."

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Joke

English: joke

① Words or things that make people laugh: He is very good at telling jokes; when he first came to Shanghai, he made a lot of jokes.

② Laugh; ridicule: Don’t laugh at others.

③Style name. The story is short in length, simple yet ingenious in plot, often unexpected, and achieves the artistic effect of laughter. Most of them reveal the perverse phenomena in life, which are ironic and entertaining. There are different levels of interest. "Laughing Forest" written by Handan Chun in the Wei Dynasty of the Three Kingdoms is the earliest joke book today. The "Collection of Jokes from Past Dynasties" compiled by modern people has a relatively detailed collection of jokes from past dynasties.

Jokes are a very hot topic. What exactly are jokes? There is no clear and consistent explanation. Jokes come from life and are learned. Jokes are a form of language that has been artistically processed. Artistic language. Joke is an artistic method, which is used to create literary and artistic works that use laughter as an artistic method.

"Laughing Forest" is the first collection of jokes in ancient China.

1. A dying man made a will to his wife: "After I die, I hope you can marry our neighbor Mr. Ed." The wife was puzzled, so he explained : "Two years ago, the cow that this bastard sold me couldn't produce milk at all. Now I want to let him taste the feeling of being cheated!"

2. Dad told Yuyu that he often went hungry when he was a child. thing. After hearing this, Yuyu had tears in his eyes: "Uh, Dad, did you come to our house because you had no food?"

3. A train was opened in a mountainous area, and farmers along the way came to watch. The last female guest had her period and she still went out of the window after changing the paper

It flew in the face of a farmer. The farmer took it off and said: "Wow! The train is so fast, even a piece of paper can be blown away." My nose is bleeding

4. My three-year-old daughter often says to me, “Dad, do you get what you sow? "I said, "Yes, you will get melons if you sow melons, and you will get beans if you sow beans." My daughter happily said, "Then I will plant jelly. I want a lot of jelly."

5. The two fathers and sons have violent tempers. No one was allowed. One day, the father ordered his son to buy meat to entertain guests. When he came back, he stood facing each other at the city gate for a long time. The father came and said, "Good son, you go back first with the meat, and I will stand opposite you!" ”

A joke may be just a phrase, or it may be a short story or a series of words that amuse the speaker and the communicator, or create a sense of humor. An action-oriented joke and spoken language The difference between action-type jokes is that action-type jokes use actions to affect people's vision and make them feel funny.

6. One day, there were many people on a bus and they were buying tickets from the conductor. While buying tickets, a man suddenly farted. Everyone in the car felt uncomfortable breathing and cursed this uncivilized man.

At this time, the conductor shouted: "Who didn't buy a ticket?"

A passenger replied: "The person who just farted didn't buy a ticket!"

At this time, a person stood up and shouted: "Who said I didn't buy a ticket!"

7. Mom asked Xiao Shuang to get up: "Get up quickly! The rooster has crowd several times!"

Shuang said: "What does the rooster's crow have to do with me? I'm not a hen!"

A few examples:

1 Bush inspected a nursing home

One day Bush decided to visit a local nursing home in Washington.

The president entered from the lobby of the nursing home, and a little old man walked towards him. It seemed that the man had not noticed him.

Bush was not very happy, so he turned around and caught up with the little old man and asked, "Do you know me?"

The little old man looked at Bush and said, "If I don't know you, you can go to the nursing station." Over there, they will tell you who it is."

2 Lawyers and Pickpockets

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a pickpocket?

Answer: Once you die, pickpockets will no longer stare at you

3The difference between chance and opportunity

Teacher: ~~~, chance and opportunity What's the difference? ~~~~

Student: ~~~~~In the composition, opportunity is written to score higher than chance~~~~~

4 Your family is really poor

Your family is too poor. I happened to stomp out a cigarette when I entered your house, and your dad shouted: "Hey, who turned off the heater?"

5

Idiot, this is not for him of.

An old couple was walking on the road when a pigeon happened to fly by and a puddle of pigeon droppings fell on the old lady’s head.

The old lady said: "Quick, get some toilet paper."

"Why? He is at least half a kilometer away from us now."

6 Childbirth

A little boy has to complete the homework left by the teacher and write a composition about "childbirth".

He asked his mother: "How was I born?"

My mother said a little uncomfortably: "My dear, our ancestors brought you to us."

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"Oh, so how were you and dad born?"

"Well, our ancestors gave birth to us."

"Okay, what about grandparents? "They were born?"

"Well, my dear, it was the ancestors who gave birth to them."

The little boy seemed to understand.

A few days later, the little boy handed in his composition. The teacher looked at it and couldn't understand the first sentence. "This essay is difficult to write, because no one in the three generations of our family was born naturally."

Self-assessment of 7 college students' graduation

Hurry, too hasty, time is really running away He was running faster than a rabbit. The scene of him wearing a green military uniform exposed to the sun in his freshman year was still vivid in his mind. In the blink of an eye, he was in his senior year. Looking back on the road I have traveled in the past four years, I feel that I have gained a lot. These four years have not been in vain. I now summarize it as follows.

Politically, I actively move closer to the party organization. I have reported my thoughts many times in written or oral form to Li Xiaohua, the only party member and league secretary in the class. Although she had always maliciously thought that I had evil intentions and was pursuing her, so she refused to go out on a date with me alone, and she didn't even read the written report I gave her, and just threw it in the wind. From the conscience of heaven and earth, speaking from the bottom of my heart, I do have a good impression of Li Xiaohua, but I will never mix my great personal beliefs with my children's personal relationship. Although my pursuit has been hit again and again, it has never shaken my belief in joining the Communist Party.

I am an honest and humble person. When the road is rough, draw your sword to help. When I was at home, I saw a big rooster always bullying the little hen. He tried to climb on the little hen's back several times and pecked the little hen's shallow, bright red comb with his beak. This is not Is the strong bullying the weak? I was so angry that I picked up a hoe and smashed the rooster until it fractured.

Another time at school, when I was checking information on the Internet and returning to the dormitory at 3 o'clock in the night, I heard the painful sound of a girl grunting in the bushes not far from the dormitory. I ran over without thinking and found a boy riding on his back. How can this be unreasonable when it comes to girls? Is there any law for taking our girls out and beating them in the middle of the night? At that time, I beat the man unconscious and rescued the charming, disheveled little girl. Although I paid more than 4,000 yuan in medical expenses afterwards, I always thought it was worth it, and I am often touched by my heroic spirit. There were also issues such as flies eaten in the school cafeteria and the school's arbitrary charging of teaching material fees that were exposed on TV and in newspapers. I reported them all. Although no one came to commend me, I feel that I must be an upright person.

I treat people warmly. The last time Li Xiaohua's father came to school, I got the news in advance and took him to school from the train station. When I saw that her father had no place to live, I took the initiative to free up my own bed. Although Li Xiaohua did not accept my kindness, my creed of treating others with enthusiasm has not changed. I firmly believe that as long as everyone gives a little love, , this world will become a beautiful world. I enjoy helping others. In order to help students with financial difficulties, I gave up my opportunity to clean the classroom and dormitory, and paid for it to a poor student in the class. This is much better than just donating money to him, that is, taking care of everything. The face of this extremely poor student has cultivated in him the concept of self-reliance.

I love the Chinese major I am studying and strive to cultivate my profound literary skills. In the past four years, I have watched more than 12,000 discs on the computer in the Internet cafe day and night, and have a comprehensive understanding of the world's film and television art. I am also familiar with the works of famous modern writers such as Jin Yong, Gu Long, Wen Ruian, Liang Yusheng, etc., to the point of memorizing them fluently. In order to improve my observation skills, I bought a telescope and secretly observed the living conditions of the girls in the building opposite. These accumulations of mine have greatly improved my literary accomplishment and writing level. I have published more than 300 literary works such as poems, essays, novels, and jingles on my desks, toilet panels, and dormitory walls.

In order to comprehensively improve my own quality to meet the needs of society, I taught myself mahjong, poker, billiards, dancing, drinking and other certain skills required by modern society, to the point of proficiency. I have also tasted the benefits of these skills and can basically support myself. Last New Year's Day, I didn't go home. In just two days, I earned back a year's tuition and three months of living expenses through mahjong. I love music, and my singing voice is extremely shocking. My classmates can often hear my high-pitched and loud singing voice in the bathroom, bathhouse, and corridors late at night, and the whole building is sleepless for me.