Humorous stories suitable for speeches.

On the first day of school, the teacher asked Xiao Ming, "Xiao Ming, 1+ 1=?" Xiao Ming said, "I don't know." The teacher said, "Then go home and ask your family." Xiao Ming went to ask his mother, who was quarrelling with others. Xiao Ming asked, "Mom 1+ 1=?" Mom said, "Asshole!" Xiao Ming knows 1+ 1= asshole; Xiaoming went to ask his father again. Dad is drinking beer. Xiao Ming asked, "Dad 1+ 1=?" Dad said, "Cool!" Xiao Ming knows 1+ 1= cool; Xiaoming went to ask grandpa again. Grandpa is watching TV. Xiao Ming asked, "Grandpa 1+ 1=?" Grandpa said, "gangster!" "Xiao Ming knows 1+ 1= gang boss; Xiaoming asked his sister who was singing the national anthem: people who don't want to be slaves! Xiao Ming knows 1+ 1= people who don't want to be slaves; Xiaoming went to ask his sister who was singing children's songs: rabbit, open the door! Xiao Ming knows 1+ 1= bunny opens the door. The next day, the teacher asked, "Xiaoming 1+ 1=?" Xiao Ming said, "Asshole." "Pa" teacher slapped Xiao Ming, and Xiao Ming said, "Cool." The teacher said inexplicably, "Who taught you?" Xiao Ming said, "The boss of these people. The teacher was startled and asked, "Xiao Ming, what are you doing?" "Xiao Ming sings: people who don't want to be slaves. The teacher shut Xiao Ming out of the door. Xiao Ming knocked at the door and sang, Bunny, please open the door. The teacher fainted. Sharks and fish have been tested. A fiercest shark and a group of tropical fish are put in the same pool, and then separated by tempered glass. At first, sharks kept hitting the invisible glass every day, but in vain. It can never cross the other side. The experimenter puts some crucian carp in the pool every day, so the shark is not short of prey, but it still wants to try the delicious taste on the other side. Every day, it keeps hitting the glass. It tried every corner and tried its best every time, but it was always scarred. It broke and bled several times for several days. Whenever the glass breaks, the experimenter immediately adds thicker glass. [[url] //efunster[/url] humorist ]2006qwe Later, sharks stopped hitting the glass and ignored the colorful tropical fish, as if they were just moving the murals on the wall. It began to wait for the crucian carp that appeared every day, and then hunted by its agile instinct, as if to return to the sea, but all this was just an illusion, and it was tested. The experimenter took the glass, but the shark didn't respond. It still swims in a fixed area every day. Not only did it turn a blind eye to tropical fish, but even when crucian carp fled there, it immediately gave up chasing and said nothing. The experiment was over, and the experimenter laughed at it as the most cowardly fish in the sea. But people who have been lovelorn know why, and they are afraid of pain. Miracle in a remote town in France, it is said that there is a particularly effective spring, which often produces miracles and can cure various diseases. One day, a veteran who was on crutches and lost a leg limped across the street in the town. The villagers nearby kissed back sympathetically and said, "Poor guy, is he going to pray to God for another leg?" This sentence was heard by the retired soldiers. He turned to them and said, "I don't want to ask God for a new leg, but I want to ask him to help me and let me know how to live without one." "imagine: learn to be grateful for the loss and accept the fact of loss. Regardless of the gains and losses of life, always make your life full of brightness and brilliance, stop crying for the past and work hard for a high live life. An old man is fishing by the river. A child walked by to watch him go fishing. The old man was very skilled and soon caught a basket full of fish. The old man thinks the child is cute and wants to give him the whole basket of fish. The child shook his head. The old man asked in surprise, "Why not? "The child replied," I want the fishing rod in your hand. "The old man asked," What do you want with a fishing rod? "The child said," This basket of fish was finished in a short time. If I had a fishing rod, I could fish by myself and eat it all my life. "I think you will say: What a clever boy. Wrong. If he only wants a fishing rod, he can't eat any fish. Because he doesn't know the fishing skills, it's useless to have a fishing rod, because the fishing rod is not important, and in fishing skills, too many people think that if they have a fishing rod on the road, they will no longer be afraid of the wind and rain on the road and will inevitably fall on the muddy ground. It's like a child looking at the old man and thinking that as long as there is a fishing rod, there will be endless fish, just like a clerk looking at the boss and thinking that as long as he sits in the office, money will roll in. Parrot A person went to buy a parrot and saw a parrot's doorplate saying: This parrot can speak two languages, and the price is 200 yuan. In front of another parrot, it was written: This parrot can speak four languages, and the price is 400 yuan. Which one should I buy? Both are shiny, very flexible and lovely. The man turned and couldn't make up his mind. Suddenly I found a parrot with a tooth missing. Its coat color is dim and messy, and its price is 800 yuan. The man quickly called the boss: Can this parrot speak eight languages? The shopkeeper said, no, this person is very strange: then why is it so old, so ugly and so incompetent that it will be worth this number? The shopkeeper replied: because the other two parrots call this parrot boss. This story tells us that a real leader is not necessarily strong in his own ability. As long as he knows how to trust, how to delegate and how to cherish, he can unite forces stronger than himself and thus enhance his value. On the contrary, many very capable people are too perfectionist and hands-on, and no one can match them. In the end, I can only be the best researcher and sales representative, but I can't be an excellent leader. Once upon a time, people from a small country came to China to pay tribute to three identical gold people. The golden wall was brilliant and the emperor was very happy. However, the people of this small country are not kind, and at the same time, a question arises: who is the most valuable of these three gold people? The emperor thought of many ways to ask the jeweler to check, weigh and watch the work, all of which were exactly the same. What shall we do? The messenger is still waiting for a return. A vast country, you don't even understand this little thing? Finally, an old minister who abdicated said that he had an idea. The emperor invited the emissary to the main hall, and the old minister confidently took three straws and inserted them into the ear of the first gold man. The straw came out of the other ear. The straw of the second gold man fell out directly from his mouth, and the straw of the third gold man fell into his stomach without any noise. The old minister said: the third gold man is the most valuable! The messenger was silent and the answer was correct. This story tells us that the most valuable person is not necessarily the most talkative person. God gave us two ears and one mouth, which was supposed to make us listen more and talk less. Being good at listening is the most basic quality of a mature person. Resignation A said to B, "I want to leave this company. I hate this company! " B suggested: "I raise my hands in favor of your revenge!" " ! This broken company must give it some color to see see. But now is not the best time for you to leave. "Q: Why? B said, "If you leave now, the company will not lose much. You should take advantage of the opportunity in the company, try your best to attract some customers for yourself, become a unique figure in the company, and then suddenly leave the company with these customers, and the company will suffer heavy losses and be very passive. " A thinks what B said is very reasonable. So he worked hard and got what he wanted. After more than half a year's efforts, he has many loyal customers. When we meet again, B asks A: It's time to jump, so hurry up! A smiled indifferently: the boss talked to me for a long time and was going to promote me to be the assistant to the general manager. I have no plans to leave for the time being. In fact, this is also the original intention of B. A person's job is always just for his resume. Only by paying more than you get, and letting the boss really see that your ability is greater than your position, will you be given more opportunities and create more profits for him. Choose three people to be put in prison for three years, and the warden gives each of them a request. Americans love to smoke cigars and asked for three boxes of cigars. The French are the most romantic and want to be accompanied by beautiful women. The Jew said he wanted a telephone to communicate with the outside world. Three years later, the first person who rushed out was an American, with a cigar in his mouth and shouting, "Give me a fire, give me a fire!" " "It turned out that he forgot to make a fire. Then the French came. I saw him holding a child in his hand, a beautiful woman holding a child in her hand and a third one in her belly. Finally, the Jews came out. He held the warden's hand tightly and said, "I have been in contact with the outside world every day for three years." My business has not stopped, but has increased by 200%. To express my gratitude, I want to send you an old Schleswig! "This story tells us that what kind of choice determines what kind of life. Today's life is determined by our choices three years ago, and today's choices will determine our life three years later. We should choose to get in touch with the latest information and understand the latest trends, so as to create our own future better. About mental illness: A nurse who treated mental illness wanted to know whether the mental illness was cured or not, so she took a flashlight and said, "When I turned on this flashlight, the light suddenly reached the sky. You can climb up with this light. "The psychopath said," You think I'm stupid. "The nurse thought he was better. The psychopath said," If I climb halfway, you will turn off the light, so I won't fall. "Ji Xiaolan was a scholar and writer in the Qing Dynasty. Once, he went home to visit relatives during the Spring Festival, and a family of three brothers in the village asked him to write Spring Festival couplets. He wrote a pair of Spring Festival couplets that are "earth-shattering, one of the best in the world" and criticized "acting first". This is a terrible mistake. He was accused of cheating the monarch into committing a crime. When Emperor Qianlong learned that, he immediately called Ji Xiaolan back to Beijing to ask, and Ji Xiaolan replied: "I wrote the Spring Festival couplets; There is nothing wrong. Isn't this boss selling firecrackers an earth-shattering portal? The second child is in charge of the fair fight. Isn't it one of the best families to call it' fight two fights ...' all day? The third is to sell roast chicken, isn't it the first? " The speaking Qianlong also smiled. The geography teacher asked the students, where does this river go? A student suddenly stood up and sang: The river flows eastward. The teacher ignored him and then said, how many stars are there in the sky? That classmate sang again: the stars in the sky can participate in Beidou. The teacher is short of breath: get out! Student: Just leave. The teacher said helplessly, are you sick? Student: You have everything I have! Teacher: try again ... student: shout when you see an uneven road! Teacher: Do you believe I hit you? Student: Do it when you should ... Teacher's anger: I told you to quit school! Student: Rush into Kyushu! Hehe, I wish my brothers and sisters who are wandering outside in advance.