I've been in a bad mood lately, I hope you can make me laugh with some funny quotes.

1. I went to save money at noon. When I was queuing, a beautiful woman asked me from behind: "Save money?" "Why don't you two have to queue up?" I thought it made sense, so I gave her the money.

2. When I got on the bus in the afternoon, I took out my bus card and put it into the coin slot.

3. One day I found that my mobile phone was missing. I searched my bag and every corner of the house to no avail. So I fell to the ground depressed, took out my mobile phone from my pocket, and sent a group text message to everyone: I lost my mobile phone

4. My neighbor forgot to bring his key, so he climbed over from my balcony and found the key in the house. He turned it over again and opened the door to his room. What’s even more amazing is that I was on the balcony taking care of her from beginning to end and didn’t feel anything was wrong. Alas, our heads must have been squeezed through the same crack in the door.

5. I still remember when I confessed my love to a girl for the first time, I was so nervous, so I said, "Well, um, XX, let me be your girlfriend."

6. At dinner at work a few days ago, a young colleague ordered a large bottle of Sprite and poured it around for everyone. When it was his turn, the bottle was empty. So the colleague shook the Sprite bottle and said to the waiter: "Do you still have this?" The waiter ran over, took the bottle, inspected it carefully, and said sincerely: "No more."< /p>

7. I had dinner with two enthusiastic female colleagues (voluptuous) in the company, and they arranged for me to introduce potential partners.

I want to say: you two matchmakers are so enthusiastic

The result is: you two fat ladies...

8.Brother A few play World of Warcraft. The counselor went on rounds and was furious. He grabbed the mouse, dragged the desktop shortcut to World of Warcraft into the recycle bin, emptied it, and said: Let you play again!

9. Today my dad called my mom. On my mobile phone, my mother was busy at the time, so I answered the call.

Me: Hello

Dad: Oh, where is your dad?

Me: Ah?

Dad: What is your dad doing? What?

Me: Uh. . . On the phone

Dad: Oh, ask him to call me back after the call.

/p>

11. I fell in love with a pair of gloves, and the boss wanted 35 yuan. I said 30 yuan and I wanted it. I got a 50-yuan one, and he found me quickly. .

12. A question requires connecting the following four sentences with related words:

Sister Zhang Haidi. Paralyzed;

2. Sister Zhang Haidi studied tenaciously;

3. Sister Zhang Haidi learned many foreign languages;

4. Sister Zhang Haidi learned acupuncture.

The correct answer should be: "Although sister Zhang Haidi was paralyzed, she studied tenaciously and not only learned many foreign languages, but also learned acupuncture."

As a result, one child wrote: Although sister Zhang Haidi tenaciously learned acupuncture and many foreign languages, she is still paralyzed.

I found a more fierce child who wrote: Sister Zhang Haidi not only learned foreign languages, but also learned acupuncture. She studied so tenaciously that she was finally paralyzed!

13. Do it at noon After dinner, my mother gave me a pot of carrots: "Go and cut the carrots into diced meat!"

14. My surname is Zhu, and I manage the unit's computer room. Someone once called me on my mobile phone: "Chief Chicken, are you in the pig house?" He scolded the guy.

15. A leader led everyone to drink, raised his glass and said loudly: "Let's Let's die together!"

Everyone (...)

16. I remember one time when I went to buy a fruit called Elizabeth, I opened my mouth and said: Boss, how much does Shakespeare cost? The boss said on the spot I just stayed

17. Rice noodle shop

Someone: Boss, please give me two ounces of green onions instead of rice noodles.

Boss (...)

Someone (while looking for a seat, he turned back to add): Don’t put onions!

Boss (with tears streaming down his face): What on earth are you doing? Should I eat rice noodles or green onions?

18. Once I went to the market to buy vegetables and prepare for a dinner. A Korean friend bought lettuce for 2.4 yuan. He gave all the change he had to the vendor. He still lacked a dime, so he said to the hawker--

"I gave you all my hair, so there is no more hair."

The hawker was speechless for a long time, and then replied- -

"I don't want any more of your hair."

19. Once while eating and chatting in the cafeteria, I suddenly realized that I had dropped a piece of rice outside, and secretly felt that it was a waste of food. I was sorry to the farmer uncle, so he picked it up and ate it. But later I discovered that the meal didn’t seem to be mine...

20. Xiaoqiang gave a speech at the rally, and the people below were all ears!

Xiaoqiang said: "There are two kinds of people I hate the most. !One is racist, the other is black, and the third is illiterate!"

The people below suddenly started sweating. . .

21. After swimming yesterday, I opened the trunk, threw the key in, and then closed the trunk...

22. I went to a good friend's house and while we were chatting, her father came back. , she opened her mouth and called "aunt". In embarrassment, her mother appeared again, opened her mouth and called "uncle"... and then infinitely doubted her own IQ

23. Once I went to buy hot dry noodles, and there was a couple in front of me. While buying, the boss asked them if they wanted to put coriander. The man said no, and the woman said why not.

I was thinking about "coriander, why do men want coriander and women don't want coriander..."

I was lost in thought when the boss asked me, what should I eat? I didn't know what to eat. I answered loudly without hesitation: "Cilantro!!!"

24. When I was in high school, I got up very early to go to school. My mother made breakfast for me and I put it in my school bag and took it to school to eat, usually steamed buns and steamed buns. My mother made porridge during the day when there was no school. I didn’t know which muscle was cramping, so I picked up the porridge and threw it into my schoolbag...

25. One day, there were so many people buying roast duck, so , she said without thinking: "When it's time to get off work, there are so many people buying roast ducks, and I see roast ducks queuing up in front of the window."

26. Make a phone call Find someone named Zhou Chunmei for finance.

I picked up the phone and was excited: I am Zhou Chunmei. . . =_=|||

Zhou Chunmei: You are Zhou Chunmei, then who am I. . .

27. One time when I was having breakfast at school, a classmate in front of me swiped his card, but the machine didn’t respond. Even if he swiped again, it still didn’t work. I was very depressed and said that the machine was broken. I asked me to try and swiped the card. The machine really didn’t respond! He tried another one, but it was still the same, and he was very angry! After receiving the card and just about to put it in his bag, he found that the card in his hand was a bank card. I laughed wildly! He pointed at me and laughed even harder. It turned out that I got the ID card!

28. When I was in college, one year when school started, the fifth person in the dormitory called the dormitory at the train station to see if anyone was there, and the fourth person in the dormitory called to pick him up.

“Hey, Fourth, I’m Fifth, is there anyone in the dormitory?”

Fourth took a nap and said in a daze: “Ah, Fifth, you made the wrong call. This is Jiaogan (the school next door)

"Ah, sorry, the number was wrong"

After a while, Lao Wu looked at the number dialed on his mobile phone and felt that it was correct. Call back

"You idiot, are you fooling me? Is there anyone in the dormitory?"

"No"

"Oh, then I will stay tonight I’m at a friend’s house”

“Okay, see you tomorrow”

29. In the morning, there is a plastic bag on the left hand full of snacks, and a plastic bag on the right is filled with garbage. Open the trash can in the morning.” "Bang" threw the bag away. Then he carried another Shi Shiran to the company. When he was hungry at noon and wanted to eat snacks, he opened the cabinet and found a bag of garbage inside.

30. Take the subway and enter the gate. , I was swiping at the gate with my mobile phone, and I kept telling the people behind me that the swipe was not working.

I was 20 years ago. My mother confidently rode a 28-inch Phoenix men's bicycle to send my one-year-old sister to kindergarten. When she arrived at the kindergarten, she swung her legs like a mantis and felt like she had bumped into something.

She didn't care and pushed the cart forward. A few steps behind her, someone shouted, "Comrade, this comrade..." My mother turned around and saw that my one-year-old little sister remained sitting still and was stunned. He fell to the ground. For more than twenty years after that, my sister refused to sit on my mother's bicycle, which I hated for more than twenty years...

32. I like to eat all the melon seeds. Eat it. Guessing, after eating them all, he dumped the melon seeds on the plate into the trash can and looked at the other plate of melon seed shells in a daze.

33. When the monitor was on standby, I went to shake the mouse, but it was still on standby. After shaking it for a long time, I found that I was shaking my mobile phone...

34. Going shopping by bike, to the store Went into the store with the car unlocked. After shopping, I came out, locked my car, and rode away. . .

35. When I was a child, I liked to bite the tip of the pen. One day when I bit it, I felt something was wrong. It was very salty, and then I found that I had sucked a mouthful of ink.

36. Once after peeling an apple, a long I was very proud that the batch was not broken. I threw the apple into the trash can and put the skin into my mouth!

37. When I was making scrambled eggs and tomatoes, I knocked the hard-boiled egg against the edge of the bowl. It was not rotten for a long time, and I even told my wife that the eggs were bad.

38. The last time I got a cold injection, the nurse asked me to take off my pants, but I almost took them off~

39. I fainted once in the company and wanted to go to the bathroom, but I left without knowing it. When I got to the pure water machine, I looked at half a bucket of water and didn't even react. I unzipped my crotch with a "Zi" sound... Suddenly I suddenly reacted, and I made a "Zi" sound again. I zipped it up and returned to my seat as if nothing happened. Fortunately, there was no one around. Thinking about it later, I guess I was too busy with work at that time. . .

40. During a picnic, he took out the last cigarette in the cigarette case and lit it, threw the zippo directly into the fire, put the cigarette case back into the bag, and continued to grill the meat, until a bunch of sparks exploded and burned him 2 His clothes were ruined and 2 bowls of dumplings were destroyed

41. Use your mobile phone as a lighter to light cigarettes and use your mobile phone as a TV remote control.

42. The phone rang while I was cooking. After answering the call, I put the phone in the vegetable pot. It ended up in the pot with the vegetables. Then I stared at the phone in the pot for a long time before hurriedly taking it out. .Fortunately, what was fried was lettuce..If it had been mapo tofu...it would have been over...

43. When I was in college, I went home with my roommate. After entering the door, we changed clothes together and suddenly saw a Just Xiaoqiang, she went up to the house, and then came to scare me with Xiaoqiang's body. I was very afraid of insects, so I opened the door and ran out when I was nervous. She continued to chase me excitedly. . . We reached the elevator entrance, and then "awoke" and realized that I was only wearing underwear, she. . . . . Wearing only shorts. . . . Fortunately there was no one in the corridor. . . .

44. Once I went to the bathroom to wash my hands before eating. When I saw the mirror, my brain suddenly short-circuited. I skillfully took a cup of toothbrush, squeezed the facial cleanser onto the toothbrush, hummed a tune and brushed my teeth. I wonder why the toothpaste tastes wrong today.

45. On the first day of work, someone called the manager (female). I gave the phone to the manager and said, Mom, someone is looking for you. Answer the phone.

46. Once in a computer class, while sending a message to my boyfriend, I bravely shouted loudly to the teacher: "Honey! My computer is not connected!" The noisy classroom fell silent instantly. After 5 seconds, everyone burst into laughter. The teacher is an old man in his 50s.

47. My sister had a mobile phone and a PHS phone. One day she got a new mobile phone sim card. A colleague asked her what the new number was. She said she had forgotten it, so she used the phone with the new sim card. Dial your PHS. While dialing, she continued chatting with her colleagues. After the PHS phone rang, she picked it up and asked: "Hello?...Hello?...You talk, if you don't talk I'll hang up!"

All colleagues present petrochemical.

After that, she hung up and said, "You're crazy. You called me and didn't say anything."

48. One day, a classmate was walking around Zhongguancun. A vendor approached him and asked, "Do you want a hard drive? It's cheap." The classmate took it over to look at it and said, "How hard is it?"

49. I remember when I was still in the fifth grade of elementary school, the class teacher asked the first classmate in a group: "What ethnic group are you?" The classmate said: "Yi" and then asked the second classmate: "What about you?" Answer: "Ethnicity 2"

50. Customer A: Boss, is the iced soy milk hot?...

51. A friend went shopping for home appliances and saw a household scale on the ground. He was fat. When I saw the scale, I wanted to try it, so I immediately stepped on it, and it turned out that it was an induction cooker.

52. After getting on the bus, I used the bus IC card for the first time. I took the initiative to show my card to the driver and walked straight to my seat. Unexpectedly, the driver said: "Read the card." I looked at the IC card and read carefully: "Hefei City Bus IC Card~~", and the driver said: "There. "Reading while reading", I walked to the place pointed by the driver and read with all my strength: "Hefei City Bus IC Card..."

53. The fourth guy in the dormitory got out of bed and looked for slippers for a long time, but there were none, so he asked Everyone: Why are my slippers gone?

54. While queuing up in the cafeteria, I heard a boy next to me say: "Master, let me have a bowl of 'Bullet Cauliflower' soup!" (Seaweed and Egg Drop Soup) Haha , I laughed so hard