A complete collection of hilarious short messages

1, a couple quarreled, and the man said: I can't beat you! You have one mouth above and one mouth below! The woman said: I can't beat you more! You have a mouth above, a microphone below, and two stereos!

2. In spring, wisteria blooms and flies like Shuang Yan, and sesbania and alfalfa flourish. The fresh tea in the drizzle is particularly fragrant, and a mouthful of fragrant tea is like sunshine, and the willow flute blows away the frost from the heart. See the beautiful scenery on Black Day, don't miss love!

3. Feel tired, have a rest and relax; Bored, throw it away and go out for a walk; Feel bitter, forget it, buy a sugar lick; What should I do if I miss you? I have to go to the pigsty. Wow, I haven't seen you for days, and I'm getting fat again.

A village head raped a peddler and a witch. As soon as she entered the ground floor, the witch said, Come in and die. The village chief was busy quitting, and the witch said, you can't live if you go out. The village chief asked the witch what to do. The witch said, going in and out will keep you safe.

Today, a female student came to our police station and said that her wallet was stolen in the canteen. We asked him how he lost it and why he didn't put it away. She said that she took a seat in the canteen with her wallet and it was gone when she came back.

6. Women should always stay awake and protect themselves. Because men are desperate when they are impulsive, if there is any bad result in the end, it is women who really suffer.

7. The lame singer practiced until midnight, and the neighbors knocked on the wall to protest. The singer shouted angrily, it's one o'clock, and you're still hammering nails into the wall. Don't you think it's too bad?

8. That's it. I almost miss you. My eyes are blue at midnight. I forgot to give money when I bought something. I don't want to eat pork stewed vermicelli. 1+ 1=3 is not difficult. Zhao Benshan is regarded as Sun Nan, and I cry that RMB has turned into dollars!

9. If you dare to sing happiness with firmness, I dare to sing love with life and time. If you dare to write me into your story, I will dare to praise you in my heart, dear, and miss you.

10. What are the similarities and differences between women and bicycles? A: The same thing: they are all for people to ride! Difference: cycling is to refuel before riding, while I ride first and refuel!

1 1, the feeling of kissing you is green with a faint fragrance, the feeling of caressing you is smooth with gentle ups and downs, and the feeling of missing you is sweet with excitement. I really want to strip your clothes now. Raw persimmon.

12, tell you what is romance? Send her 99 roses when you know she doesn't like you. Tell you what waste is. Just know that she likes you and send her 99 roses.

13, I found that my wife has become witty recently. She sets two alarm clocks every morning. When the first alarm clock rang, she brought in underwear and stuffed it on my stomach. The second alarm clock rang, and she immediately put it on and got up, leaving me lying in a messy cold bed.

14, I like a girl and have never had the courage to contact her actively. Later, I finally got up the courage to invite her to dinner and confessed. I didn't expect to open my mouth and say: Do you want to sleep together?

15. A female colleague in the office is very diligent. She wipes the table and chairs with a rag every day. Yesterday afternoon, as soon as I got out of the toilet and sat in the chair, she patted me on the shoulder: "Brother, lift it up quickly and I'll wipe it for you!" " My face turned red: I, I, I have wiped it in the toilet.

16, a fly mother and son are eating. The son frowned and asked his mother, "mom, why do we stand on the stool every day?" The stool is so dirty! " Mother said, "Don't say such unsanitary things while eating!" " "

17, I haven't contacted my friends for more than a year, and I added QQ to say that I sell halal beef offal. Quality assurance, large quantity discount. I asked if there was a bullwhip. He said yes, I asked, is it awesome? He said yes, I said, then give me a wink!

18, the father told his son a story: Once upon a time there was a frog ... Son: Is there a science fiction story? Father: Once upon a time there was a frog in space ... Son: Is there a limit level? Father: shh ~ keep your voice down so that mom can't hear you. Once upon a time, there was a frog with no clothes on …

19, a buddy's undergraduate answer, in order to highlight its research importance, my first sentence: finite element method, out of date. A row of faces are professors studying finite element. So this guy was tortured all day!

20. When the son reached the age of entering the park, his mother finally sent him to the kindergarten where his friend was the director. At noon, my mother called a friend: didn't my son cry? The friend said: Your son didn't cry, he made the teacher cry!

2 1. The teacher talks about the characteristics and uses of man-made fibers in class. He asked the students, "What makes nylon stockings elastic?" "thighs!" The students answered loudly in unison.

22. When the Spring Festival travel rush rush hour train is crowded, a gentleman will stick * * out of the window when he stops. The inspector at the bottom of the car found it and shouted: the fat man with the cigar pulled his head back.

23. A customer pointed to the dish he just bought and sighed: Alas, why are there only a few pieces of this meat? Another customer took it and said, if the meat can't slide down, can it still be called fried meat slices?

You already know that the B2 bomber is a high-tech weapon. Maybe you don't know-you are more high-tech! Because, you are the younger brother of B2-punk (B3)!

25, husband and wife quarrel, wife: I should have listened to my mother not to marry you! Dave: You mean your mother stopped you from marrying me? The wife nodded. Dave slapped the table hard: I really misjudged her all these years!

26. Your phone bill balance is insufficient. Please recharge according to the instructions: burn a 100 yuan bill to ashes, open the back cover of the mobile phone, pour the ashes in and cover it again. Thank you for your cooperation!

27. At work, the director told him to be an apprentice with the master, and you can do whatever he wants. Later, when the master went to the toilet, he stood by and accompanied him. Then the master said, why don't you understand? The young man said confidently: The leader wants me to follow you!

28. The child stole the parrot kept in the brothel. As soon as he entered the door, the parrot called, Move! Seeing his mother, he shouted: The boss has changed, too! Seeing his sister, he shouted, Miss has changed! Seeing his father, he shouted, I'm still an old customer!

29. Just now, a female customer asked me to buy some bags of menstrual towels for her, and she entered Watsons with an embarrassed face. The salesgirl's sister asked, What can I do for her? I said: give me three packs of menstrual towels, which are pleasing to the eye and elegant. By the way, they should be even size, 400 mA. Suddenly, my little sister smiled, and she was even? When you buy clothes, mom? Is it a charging treasure? Theo!

30. Today, I saw the updated status of my friend who just got married for more than a year: "It feels so fast to change from a two-person world to a family of three." I thought she was pregnant, so I called to congratulate her decisively. I didn't expect people to say, "Congratulations, my family of three is a third party ..."

3 1. Now some mothers-in-law recognize money. Every day they only have money in their eyes and always give their son-in-law a 4 million car. Can love be measured by money? Is your daughter worth 4 million? The marriage you bought will not be happy! For such a crazy local tyrant's mother-in-law, I seriously ask you: "Do you still have a daughter at home?"

32. I vaguely remember/kloc-bathing at home when he was 0/5 years old. When I saw JJ was a little dirty, I rubbed it with my hand. I felt quite comfortable, rubbed it a few times and went on the road of no return.

33. After working overtime for several days in a row, an employee doesn't want to go to work tomorrow and wants to ask for leave on the grounds of catching a cold. The boss asked: What are you doing on vacation? The worker quickly said, I may catch a cold tomorrow!

34. "Dad, Dad, I won't play with Niu Niu and others in the future." "Why?" "Niu Niu's father is a dragon, and we call her Long Zai. Tiger's father is a tiger. We call him Little Tiger, and then … "Rabbit's father is ashamed.

35. Yellow has been the exclusive color of the royal family since the Tang Dynasty. Only the emperor and the children of the nearest clan can use it. Ordinary people can't use it, even if they are disrespectful to Huang, they will be beheaded. Even today, six points will be deducted for disrespect to Huang.

36. A novice fisherman wore a leaf first, but no fish took the bait for a long time, nor did he take the bait for bread, nor did he take the bait for earthworm. This man angrily took out 100 yuan and threw it into the water, and bought whatever he wanted!

I have a request: invite me to dinner, I hope you can satisfy me. Otherwise, I'll write your mobile phone number on the wall and add two words in front of it: apply for a certificate.

38. A woman always calls her grandson "diploma". Someone asked her why she was called "diploma". The woman said, "I sent my daughter to college, but she brought this little guy back after graduation!" " !

39. The child is very simple ... In junior high school, a boy wanted to copy a girl's homework. He was afraid that others would disagree, so he went through her schoolbag after she left the classroom. As a result, he turned out a sanitary napkin He was surprised and said, "Wow! What a big band-aid! "

Baby, I have ten animals at home recently: four swimming fish, three cats who love to stay up late, two dogs who love to chew bones and a pig who is reading materials, right? What are you laughing at? Don't go back to sleep!

4 1, a girl quarreled with a male classmate at the school gate. She pointed at the other person's nose and shouted, Go find your 89-year-old lady!

42. Ten secrets necessary for Spring Festival travel rush to get home: 1, small bench; 2. quilt; 3, snakeskin bag; 4, large-volume cottage mobile phone; 5, anti-theft underwear; 6, diapers are not wet; 7. Neck pillow; 8. Pole; 9. Newspapers and magazines; 10, emergency medicine. What moved you?

43. Greetings, my friend: send you sunshine, evaporate your pain, send you drizzle, and wash away your filth. Send you a meteor, take away your nightmare, send you rosy clouds and attract bright flowers for you. Are you happy?

44. A thief was caught. The judge said, You have stolen many times. Why don't you turn over a new leaf? The thief said: I have transfused blood twice, and later found out that the person who gave me blood transfusion turned out to be a habitual thief.

45. I said, people like you who have no money or time should not watch the World Cup, otherwise everything will be empty. What is nothingness? A month later, the money was lost. Staying up late, my body is gone. Ask for leave, the job is gone. Watch the ball, the woman is gone.

46. A peasant woman was counting tall buildings when a liar came up: How many floors did you count? Okay, every floor, 5 yuan. Peasant women:15th floor. After paying the money, the bystander said: idiot. Peasant woman: He is stupid. Actually, I counted eighteen floors!

47. The bus is really boring. Someone accosted me and looked for something. Oh, where have I seen it? Uh-huh, uh-huh, it's really unfortunate that we met. Those who owe their mouths are still asking. Where is it? That time your wife locked your door and accused you of disturbing the people. I took you back to the detention center!

48. A young lady who just got her driver's license stalled at the intersection. I still can't start when I see the green light turn red and the red light turn green again. The traffic police couldn't help asking: What? No color you like?

49. The teacher said in class: I don't believe what I have learned will be forgotten. As the saying goes, "when you frown, your mind will come to you." Then the teacher wrote on the blackboard: frown one. When I wrote wrinkles, I couldn't remember how to write them. I said to myself: How to write this wrinkle? Xiao Ming said below: teacher, I will think of it when I frown.

50. A couple was walking in the street, talking about sexual harassment. Suddenly, the man reached out and touched the woman. M: Is this sexual harassment? Woman: Please! It's outside now! Man: Do you have to put your hand in?

5 1. I've been worried about you recently. I wish you hard work. I wish you charm and hard work; Do things with courage, make a fortune and make profits; Love is beautiful and life is really smooth. Work hard towards happiness and wish you a happy mood!

Son: I heard that men in some African countries don't know their wives until they get married. Is it true?/You don't say. Father: Not only in Africa, but all over the world.

I can only describe your beauty as a vegetable. Face is melon seeds. The waist is willow leaves. Eyebrows are willow leaves. Eyes are longan. The mouth is cherry. Hands are lotus roots.

54. A group of professors were invited to board the plane. When they sat down, they were told that the plane was designed by their students. As a result, many professors got off the plane, and only one professor sat there motionless. Someone asked him why he didn't dare to go down quickly. He said, "Don't worry, this plane can't fly at all."

55. At that moment, I saw my thumb move, and a short message flew to your mobile phone 10,000 times faster than Xiao Li's flying knife and appeared in front of you. You immediately turn cloudy and sunny, smile!

56. A man is lovelorn. A friend comforted him and said, "It doesn't matter. You will soon forget her and find a better girl. " "No, I can't forget her soon!" The man shouted, "I bought her a lot of things by installment."

57. It is said that a toad jumped out of Taihu Lake today and was run over by a car. I've been worried. I'll text you right away. If you are still alive, please reply to me!

58. When I was in primary school, there was a text called? Waterfall? In the middle, the author turned a mountain and saw a waterfall hanging in it. When one of my female classmates was reading aloud, she was also reading aloud: I was shocked when I climbed over this mountain, and there was a rag hanging on the mountain. The whole class was stunned.

59. Whether you miss me or not, my heart is with you and I will never leave you. Whether you follow me or not, my belief is firm. Come to me, or let me come to you. Pay the bill, I like it in my heart.

Newton was hit by an apple and Newton's law came into being. So you wanted to sit under a tree, and there was a law about you, and it was finally smashed. From then on, there was a little fool. Who called you under the durian tree?

6 1, the first train deep in the mountains. People came to see it, and some people said, be good! How fast the train runs! A man shouted: you don't understand! It is lying down now, if it stands up and runs faster!

62. Lottery tickets with animal designs on them are winners. After someone opened one, he shouted: I am a donkey! A person next to him repeatedly chanted and said angrily, what are you yelling at? All animals have prizes!

63. The house can be smaller, the furniture can be older and the electrical appliances can be less, but as long as you are around, there will be more love and intimacy, and happiness and happiness will be full. Your home is a five-star hotel.

64. In the physiology class, the teacher hung up the male structure chart, and the female students all hung their heads. The teacher said: Students, don't be afraid! It's really not that big.

65. In summer, the temperature rises, the enthusiasm is high, and the heart is agitated; Busy work, efficiency plummeted. Without the company of the summer expenses, I changed my mind several times. You are indispensable for cooling down, lovely summer expenses.

66. I got up late, bought a cup of porridge and got on the bus. Then a sister came up and sat behind me. I took a sip of porridge, she took a sip of snot, and then she took another sip of porridge. Sister, can I have breakfast without dubbing? ...

67, I want to hold you in the palm of my hand, afraid of breaking; I want to hold you in my mouth, afraid of melting; Then there are only two choices, holding you in my arms or keeping you in my heart. One of our own, can I give you a suggestion first?

68. Without you, I would be lost. Without you, my heart will be cold and I will fantasize in my dreams. When I am depressed, I will jump on you. When I turn around, I will look at you. When you wake up, you will be crazy and fold well after getting up. Dear quilt, I slept soundly because of you!

69. There is a saying that I have been afraid to confess. I know I'm poor, but I've always had a crush on you. Now that I am finally rich, I can proudly say: Boss, I bought that pig head!

70. The girl has a new love, and the boy and the girl quarrel: Girl: What do you know? They are returnees who have just returned from America. Boy: What's the big deal? I am also a returnee. I came back from Shanghai yesterday!

7 1, New Year's Day, go home for the New Year. At dinner, my brother complained that the living expenses were too little and too hard. My mother gave him a cold look and said, you are right to look at this colorful world.

72, all Dont Ask For Help, certainly not a person. Since there is grass near the nest, why do rabbits run all over the mountain? 3, shortcomings are also divided, let's share them. Avoid aging by staying awake during the day, and prolong life by staying awake at night. 5. In the world, it is a blessing to care more about one person; In the vast sea of people, knowing more is a kind of pride.

73. My wife scolded my son for failing the exam, so I comforted him and encouraged him to study hard when he grew up and surpass his father in all aspects. My son assured me angrily: I can't say anything else. Finding a wife must be better than you. ...

74. A young man went to the master to name his son. Youth: Master, I must give my son an English name and a Chinese name. My name is Lu. Master: Its name is Lu Youqi, and its English name is Wi-Fi.

75. national football joke: the national football team welcomes you. My family lives in Xie Yalong, and I wrote every legend. It doesn't matter if you don't know football, your career comes first. Strangers and acquaintances are guests. Please don't alienate. Thank you, Chairman Xie. He is very enthusiastic and will accompany you on the stage.

76. Female patient: Doctor, you told me to stick out my tongue, why didn't you look? Doctor: I don't want to see your tongue. I told you to stick it out. I just want you to keep quiet while I write the prescription.

77. One day when you were walking in the street, someone stopped you and said you were ugly. You denied it and got a beating: hypocrisy! I was stopped the next day and called you ugly. You admit being beaten: you are not modest! On the third day, I was stopped again, afraid to respond. I was beaten even worse: ugly is so shameful!

78. When an official took office, he greeted his subordinates and said, "I am the son of a farmer." Then he asked his secretary, "What about you?" The secretary is the second generation of officials, and flatters: "I am the grandson of a farmer." The leader was very satisfied and asked a college student who had just been assigned to him, "What about you?" The college student naively replied, "I am a farmer."

79. Beautiful women are in droves, money runs with you, the boss takes care of you, everything can be settled by taking a detour, everyone smiles at you, and the days are bubbling with beauty. Wake up, I told you to stop taking a nap and daydreaming.

80. A cat went crazy for a mouse and finally got married. After marriage, the cat took care of the mouse in every way, and the mouse soon became fat. The mouse was very moved: "Why are you so kind to me?" The cat smiled and said, "You'll know when you get fat."

8 1, I said I don't want it, but you insisted and said you should be careful, and you will be fine. Now, look at the red liquid on the ground! But you are just glad: it's a good thing you didn't hurt the child. Hum, how could five watermelons not hit that child?

82. Life is like a hamburger: the top bread is covered with sesame seeds, like an innocent childhood; The middle layer is sandwiched with ham, lettuce, eggs and cheese, which looks like gorgeous youth and full middle age; There is only a layer of white bread below, which can be called old age!

83. It is windy at noon today. When I went out for lunch with my colleagues, I saw a beautiful woman in a skirt. A gust of wind blew away the beautiful woman's skirt. Everyone suddenly looked at each other. The beauty shouted: What are you looking at? Can't you see I'm wearing a safe? There was a faint voice in the distance: it seemed that there were only briefs.

84, send you a bowl of Meng Po soup, I hope you forget the sorrow; Another bowl of Mengpo soup, may the warmth fill your heart; Another bowl of Meng Po Tang, may you enjoy happiness; And a bowl of Meng Po soup. Hum, I can't believe you don't wet the bed!

85. I watched the premiere of Iron Man III with great interest, and there was a huge fan sitting next to me. There is a scene where Robert Jr. knocks down the enemy and asks loudly, do you know what power this is? The wonderful flower next to it automatically enters the play with 3D eyes, clutching her chest and answering: This power is iron! This power is steel! More than iron ... I want to kill him!

86. Eat at the table at noon and then go to bed. When I woke up, there was a sesame seed on the table. I put it in my mouth. Colleagues were stunned when they saw it and said something about the nature of eating goods.

87. The supermarket was crowded with people, and suddenly the broadcast sounded: "Which parent lost a 4-year-old boy in a yellow plaid shirt and blue jeans, please go to the service desk to claim it immediately." I saw a tired woman next to her immediately said to the man next to her, "Go and buy some food, and someone will look after the children for us."

88. No matter whether it is bitter or sweet, let a smile accompany you! No matter how close you are, let the blessings overflow! No matter the seas run dry and the rocks crumble, let true love last forever! Dear, generation after generation, the heart that loves you will never change!

89. Looking at your thin body day by day, I feel so uncomfortable that I can't eat and sleep. I beg you, don't lose weight again. If you keep losing weight like this, people will think I'm … I'm feeding you lean meat!

90. You always say I'm worthless, and I can't make two sentences with one stick. I can't sleep, complaining that the moon is too bright makes you unhappy, but I also have fun. Come on, put on the ring-48k pure iron. ...

9 1, another encounter, your watery eyes looked at you emotionally, and I tried to avoid your sight in a panic, but you ran after me. I understand your feelings, so I ran and shouted: Whose dog is not tied?

92. An old man went to a disco to find a young lady. The manager asked her which one she wanted. He replied: more beautiful, playing and singing all the time, and working all night. So the manager shouted: beauty, don't look at the phone, pick up the guests!

93. The only difference between women and activists is that activists can negotiate.

94. Walking on the road, I met a beautiful woman coming face to face. Suddenly, her foot slipped and she was about to fall on me. Fortunately, Lao Tzu was smart, made a gorgeous turn, and the mud on the beauty's face fortunately didn't hit me. How can I find someone?

95, idle is a bit boring, send text messages to tease you; The mobile phone beeps, don't forget me; Smile more, be sincere, and all your troubles will be gone; Text messages convey politeness, remember to smile often.

96. Fireflies were detained for hooliganism. Fireflies are not satisfied: Who discharged them? Who streaked? Who has an exhibitionist? I'm not allowed to order the toilet when it's dark?

97. Professor Emerson was invited to give a speech at the Celestial Sports Camp. When the bus arrived in front of the camp, he saw a sign hanging on the door, "Please do as the Romans do, so as not to be embarrassed". So he stopped the car and took off his shirt. Unexpectedly, when he entered the camp, he found that the campers lined up to welcome him as a sign of respect, and everyone was neatly dressed.

98. For you, I once secretly shed tears. I often ask myself if it's worth it. I can't tell myself whether it's right or wrong to fall in love with you. I remember the last night I cried, and I said to myself with a kitchen knife: Damn onions are not cut!

99. Tell an anecdote about a friend and accompany her on a blind date. After sitting there for a few minutes, both sides were uncomfortable. I told a middle joke. The man didn't laugh, but my friend did. Then the man asked my friend, do you wear lipstick? The friend said no, the man said, that's good, otherwise the mouth is too big, and how much lipstick is wasted a year.

100, the police officer who executed the death penalty walked into the cell and shook his raincoat to announce the order to the prisoner. The prisoner said in surprise, it's raining so hard to go to the execution ground! Officer: What do you have to complain about? I have to come back in the rain!