20 words of humorous stories of the Three Kingdoms

It is said that once Zhuge Liang, Liu Bei, Sun Quan, and Cao Cao were on a plane together, and suddenly encountered an emergency and needed to parachute to escape. It was then that I discovered that there were only three parachute bags on board. Everyone was nervous for a while. At this time, Zhuge Liang shook his feather fan and cleared his throat and said, "Let's do this. The mountain man will ask a few questions. Those who can answer them will parachute. Those who can't answer will have to jump by themselves." Others Agreed. Zhuge Liang shook his feather fan again and asked Liu Bei: "How many suns are there in the sky?" Liu Bei thought briefly and replied: "One." So he took an umbrella and went down. Zhuge Liang asked Sun Quan again: "How many moons are there in the sky?" Sun Quan replied: "One." He also took an umbrella and went down. Finally it was Cao Cao's turn. Zhuge Liang asked: "How many stars are there in the sky?" Cao Cao was startled and confused. Unable to answer, I had to jump off myself. Unexpectedly, he jumped into the woods and saved his life. After a while, four people were on the same plane and encountered an emergency situation. The four of them discussed it and decided that we should stick to the old method. Zhuge Liang raised his feather fan again and asked Liu Bei: "What was the battle in which King Wu of Zhou defeated King Zhou?" Liu Bei thought briefly and replied: "The Battle of Muye." Zhuge Liang nodded, so Liu Bei took an umbrella and went down. Zhuge Liang asked Sun Quan again: "How many people died in that battle?" Sun Quan thought for a while and said, "About thirty or forty thousand." Zhuge nodded, and Sun Quan took an umbrella and went down. Cao Cao couldn't help but snickered and thought: "Zhuge Liang, Zhuge Liang, I know everything about ancient times and the present, especially military affairs, but you are in trouble this time." Zhuge Liang asked: "What are the names of the soldiers?" Cao Cao almost fainted when he heard this. In the past, I had no choice but to jump in. Unexpectedly, I jumped into the sea again and saved my life. Some time later, the four of us were on a plane together, and the plane encountered another emergency. Cao Cao thought, Zhuge Laoer is going to tease me again, so I can just jump off myself to avoid being insulted. So he jumped down and was descending at high speed in the air. He could only hear Zhuge Liang shouting to him from above: "Brother Meng De, there are four parachutes on the plane today!"

When Liu Bei visited the thatched cottage and settled in Xinye, he knew that the reason why he wasted half his life was that although Guan Yu was around, Zhang Fei and other powerful generals have no advisers who can plan and strategize, so they use etiquette and virtuous corporals to seek good help. On the recommendation of Sima Hui and Xu Shu, Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei came to Longzhong, Xiangyang, to visit Zhuge Liang. When they first arrived at the thatched cottage, Liang had already gone out, and the three of them met Liang's friend Cui Zhouping on their way back; a few days later, Liu, Guan, and Zhang braved the wind and snow to visit the thatched cottage. On the way, I met Liang's good friends Shi Guangyuan and Meng Gongwei. When he arrived at the thatched cottage, he saw Liang's younger brother Zhuge Jun. Only then did he know that Liang had gone on a trip and was preparing to leave a note expressing his admiration. When returning, he met Liang's father-in-law, Huang Chengyan, by the small bridge at the foot of Longzhong Mountain. After a while, Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei visited the thatched cottage three times, and they happened to find Liang at home, but he had not woken up from his nap. Liu Bei asked Guan and Zhang to wait outside the door. He walked in slowly and stood at the foot of the stairs with his hands folded. They did not meet each other until they woke up. [Sangu Hall: Built in the 58th year of Emperor Kangxi of the Qing Dynasty (1719 AD), it is the memorial hall of Liu Bei's "Three Visits to the Thatched Cottage" and Zhuge Liang's "Longzhong Dui". ] Longzhong vs. After the Battle of Guandu, Liu Bei fled to Jingzhou and defected to Liu Biao. Liu Biao assigned him some troops and stationed him in Xinye (now Xinye County, Henan). Liu Bei was an ambitious man, but he was always unhappy because his ambitions were not realized. He wanted to find a good assistant. He found out that there was a famous person named Sima Hui in Xiangyang, so he went to visit him. Sima Hui said: "There are Wolong and Fengchu (pronounced chú) in this area. If you can invite one of them, you can bring peace to the world." Sima Hui told Liu Bei: Wolong's name is Zhuge Liang, whose courtesy name is Kongming; Fengchu's name is His name was Pang Tong and his courtesy name was Shiyuan. Xu Shu was also a local celebrity. He heard that Liu Bei was recruiting talents, so he came to join him specially. Liu Bei was very happy and kept Xu Shu as a counselor. Xu Shu said: "I have an old friend Zhuge Kongming, people call him Wolong. General, would you like to meet him?" Liu Bei listened to Xu Shu's introduction and said, "Since you are so familiar with him, please take the trouble to go there." , invite him here!" Xu Shu shook his head and said, "This is not possible. The general must invite him in person to show your sincerity." Liu Bei heard Sima Hui and Xu Shu speak highly of Zhuge Liang. Knowing that Zhuge Liang must be a great talent, he took Guan Yu and Zhang Fei to Longzhong to find Zhuge Liang. After visiting the thatched cottage three times, Zhuge Liang was finally moved by Liu Bei's sincerity and received Liu Bei in his thatched cottage. Zhuge Liang saw Liu Bei's humility in asking for advice, so he discussed his ideas with Liu Bei heart-to-heart.

He said: "Now Cao Cao has defeated Yuan Shao and has a million troops, and he has held the emperor hostage to issue orders. This means we cannot compete with him just by force. Sun Quan has occupied Jiangdong for three generations. The terrain of Jiangdong is dangerous, and now the people To join him, there are still a group of talented people working for him. It seems that we can only unite with him and not take his ideas." Then Zhuge Liang analyzed Jingzhou and Yizhou (today's Sichuan, Yunnan, Shaanxi, Gansu, and Hubei). , part of Guizhou), he believed that Jingzhou was an important military location, but Liu Biao could not defend this place. Yizhou has fertile and vast land and has always been called the "Land of Abundance". However, the owner Liu Zhang was also a cowardly and incompetent man, and everyone was dissatisfied with him. Finally, he said: "The general is a descendant of the royal family and is famous all over the world. If you can occupy Jingzhou and Yizhou, unite with Sun Quan externally, and rectify internal affairs internally, once you have the opportunity, you can march from Jingzhou and Yizhou. , attack Cao Cao. By then, who would not welcome the general? If we can do this, the achievements will be achieved, and the Han Dynasty can be restored." After hearing Zhuge Liang's incisive and thorough analysis, Liu Bei suddenly became enlightened. He felt that Zhuge Liang's talent was rare, so he sincerely asked Zhuge Liang to come out and help him complete the great cause of reviving the Han Dynasty. Zhuge Liang then came out to assist Liu Bei. Later, people called this incident "Three Visits to the Thatched Cottage" and Zhuge Liang's conversation as "Longzhong Dui". (One said it was Xiangyang Longzhong, another said it was Nanyang. It’s hard to say?)

?

Warm wine and kill Hua Xiong. Cao Cao recruited troops and bought horses, and joined Yuan Shao, Gongsun Zan and other seventeen soldiers. , attack Dong Zhuo. Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei followed Gongsun Zan. Dong Zhuo's general Hua Xiong defeated Sun Jian, the vanguard of the Eighteenth Army, and killed two other generals in front of the battle line. He was very proud. The eighteen princes were all panicked and helpless. Yuan Shao said: "It's a pity that my generals Yan Liang and Wen Chou are not here. Otherwise, we would not be afraid of Hua Xiong." As soon as he finished speaking, Guan Yu shouted loudly: "Young general is willing to kill Hua Xiong." Yuan Shao thought that Guan Yu was just a horse archer, so he said angrily, "We have hundreds of generals from the 18th Route, but we want to send a horse archer to fight. Wouldn't that make Hua Xiong laugh?" Guan Yu said loudly. If you can't kill Hua Xiong, please chop off my head." Cao Cao appreciated this very much. So he poured a glass of hot wine and handed it to Guan Yu, saying, "General, drink this glass of wine before going to kill the enemy. Guan Yu took the wine glass, put it on the table and said, "Wait until I kill Hua Xiong and then come back to drink." After that, he got on his horse with his sword in hand. ? Guan Yu was very skilled in martial arts and cut off Hua Xiong's head in a short while. When he returned to the military camp, Cao Cao quickly picked up the wine glass on the table and handed it to him. At this time, the wine in the glass was not cold yet... Zhou Yu was very jealous of Zhuge Liang's talents. One day when Zhou Yu was discussing military affairs, he asked Zhuge Liang to rush to make 100,000 arrows. Zhuge Liang promised to build it in three days and issued a military order. Zhuge Liang later asked Lu Su to help him borrow ships, sergeants and straw handles. On the third day, Zhuge Liang asked Lu Su to go with him to get the arrows. On this day, the sky was filled with heavy fog and it was difficult to see anyone on the other side. Before daybreak, Zhuge Liang ordered the ship to be sailed and had the sergeants beating drums and shouting. Cao Cao just asked the crossbowmen to shoot arrows at the incoming ship. Both sides of the boat were filled with arrows. Zhuge Liang ordered the army to return, but by this time it was too late for Cao Cao to pursue him. 100,000 arrows were "borrowed". When Zhou Yu learned about borrowing arrows, he sighed: I am really not as good as him!

?

One summer, Cao Cao led his troops to attack Zhang Xiu. The weather was extremely hot, the sun was as hot as fire, and there was no cloud in the sky. The troops were walking along the winding mountain road. Walking up the mountain, the dense trees and rocks heated by the sun on both sides are breathtaking. By noon, the soldiers' clothes were soaked through, their marching speed also slowed down, and several weak soldiers actually fainted on the roadside. Cao Cao saw that the marching speed was getting slower and slower, and he was worried that he would miss the opportunity to fight, and he was very anxious. However, now tens of thousands of people cannot even drink water, so how can they speed up? He immediately called the guide and asked him quietly: "Is there any water source near here?" The guide shook his head and said: "The spring is on the other side of the valley. It is still a long way to go around." Cao Cao thought for a moment and said, "No. , there is no time." He looked at the woods in front of him, thought for a while, and said to the guide: "Don't say anything, I will think of a way." He knew that it would be useless to order the troops to speed up at this moment.

After thinking about it, he came up with a solution. He clamped the horse's belly and rushed to the front of the team. He pointed forward with his riding crop and said: "Soldiers, I know there is a large plum forest ahead. The plums there are big and delicious. Let's hurry up." Hurry up and go around this hill to Merlin!" Upon hearing this, the soldiers felt as if they had already eaten the food, and their spirits increased and they couldn't help but speed up their pace.

?Cao Cao and Liu Bei were drinking and discussing heroes. During the dinner, Cao Cao said, "Today, the only heroes in the world are the emperor and Cao Er." Liu Bei was frightened. The chopsticks fell to the ground. Cao Cao asked why he dropped his chopsticks, and Liu Bei replied: There was a loud thunder in the sky just now, and he was startled. After Liu Bei finished speaking, he suddenly farted loudly while bending to pick up his chopsticks, which was very embarrassing. When he was in embarrassment, he heard Zhao Yun behind him say calmly: "Don't be surprised, everyone. There is thunder in the sky, and the farts come from the clouds!" As soon as Zhao Yun finished speaking, Guan Yu on the side took a step forward and said, "Don't be surprised, everyone, the farts come from the rain (rain)." ) Just after Guan Yu said this, Zhang Fei shouted loudly: "The fart just came from me!" Everyone burst out laughing. Only Cao Cao did not laugh. He felt deeply about this matter. After sending Liu Bei and others away, Cao Cao said to his subordinates: "Liu Bei's subordinates, when they saw that their master had made a mistake, they all rushed to take responsibility and make up for it. They are really loyal. If it is your turn, can you do it? ?" Everyone was angry and felt deeply aggrieved. Dian Wei shouted, "Isn't it just a piece of shit?" Xu Chu also said, "How can this be as difficult as me going into battle naked?" "A few days later, Cao Cao invited Liu Bei to drink again. During the dinner, Cao Cao wanted to fart on purpose to see how his subordinates would react, but he couldn't. After holding it in for a long time, I finally managed to make a little fart. Cao Cao's men had been waiting for a long time. When they heard a slight "goo" sound, Xu Chu quickly said: "The fart was made by Chu (pig)!" When Cao Cao heard this, his eyes widened with anger. Others thought that Cao Cao disliked him. The reaction was slow, so he rushed to grab it on himself. Dian Wei said: "The fart came from Dian (Dian)!" "No!" Xu Huang retorted loudly: "The fart came from Dian (dian)!" Cao Cao was already red-faced and about to get angry, but he heard the advice of counselor Guo Tujian. She yelled: "It's all wrong, it's all wrong, farts come from pictures!"