New year's day jokes are very funny.

Two patients in a mental hospital especially like reading books. One day, the manager threw them a phone book. After reading it:

Patient A: This book is fluent in language, but there are too many characters.

Patient B: This book is well organized and likes to use figures to illustrate problems.

pen

In the 1980s, people had a pocket on their shirts, and some learned people liked to put their pens in this pocket.

Once, an illiterate person put a pen in it. They say he is a writer.

He was so proud that he inserted another pen. Hey, people speculate that he is a doctor.

He was so proud that he inserted three more pens. As a result, people say, "Hey, this guy must be a pen repairer."

Apples and ass

In Gaoping City, Shanxi Province, there is a southern woman selling apples. A man came to buy apples. He is a Gaoping native with a strong accent. He asked, "How much is a catty of your apples?" When the woman heard that' Apple' was' ass', she scolded: "Rogue!" The man heard "rogue" as "sixty cents" and said, "It's so cheap, only sixty cents a catty." The young lady scolded again: "shameless!" The man listened to' shameless' as' no money' again, and he was overjoyed. "No money, I took it all."

I dyed the wool and cut my hair short when I came home.

A farmer wants to buy a horse. The seller came up to him and said, "I have the best horse for you: five years old, as strong as an ox, and can run 20 kilometers at a time." "Run twenty kilometers in one breath? No, this horse is not suitable for me. " "Why?" "It's only fifteen kilometers from my home to the market, and I have to walk five kilometers back every time!"

spoil

Mary: "Mom, I want to cook my own eggs today, but how do I cook them?"

Mom: "Take an egg and put it in boiling water. It will be cooked in 3 minutes. "

Mary came to the kitchen with eggs.

15 minutes later, my mother said, "What took you so long? I have already told you that three minutes is enough. "

Mary: "There are five eggs here, so I cooked them for 15 minutes."

New policeman

Policeman: If there is an extremely excited crowd, what can you do to disperse them?

New policeman: Give them some money.

Officer: (angry) Where were you before you entered the police station?

Policeman: In the toilet, officer!

Officer: That's not what I meant. I asked you what you did before you entered the police station.

New policeman: Get down on the stool, officer!

to buy a ticket

"It's your fifth time to buy the same ticket"-the conductor said to a man.

A man: "yes, that's because there is always an idiot who comes out of nowhere at the gate of the station." He always wants to see my ticket and tear it up after reading it. "

swiss franc

Cong Cong asked his mother who was putting on makeup, "What is a Swiss franc?"

Mom said impatiently, "It's a Swiss hair salon."

Congcong asked again, "Then why does TV say that one dollar is equal to how many francs?"

Mom: "You are so stupid! That is to say, how much does a perm cost? "

Who is the dumbest?

A Dai: A Dai, why do we wait here at 10 for the 1 1: 30 train?

Dumb: Silly! In that case, others can't arrive in Taipei until five o'clock, so we can arrive at half past three.

Dumb: Yes! Then we can buy more tickets and get there early.

Dumb: So I say you are more stupid than me. I thought of it a long time ago! Look, there are ten tickets here, and each of us has five tickets, so we can arrive in Taipei at 9: 30!

crocodile

A Polish man was envious when he saw his friend wearing a pair of crocodile shoes. When asked, it was very expensive, so I decided to hunt a crocodile myself. He found a swamp, jumped into the water and struggled with a crocodile for a long time. Finally, he dragged the crocodile ashore, but sighed, "It's a waste of so much time, and this crocodile has no shoes."

A man's son fell into the river. He didn't jump into the river to save him at once, but ran all the way across the country. Asked why, he said, "I heard that Vietnamese are good at swimming. Isn't it better to ask the Vietnamese to save them than me? "

Be related to ...

Before the exam, three good friends of my class met.

Xiao Bin: "I don't have to worry about the exam today, because I watched a TV series" Good luck tomorrow "last night."

Xiaohua: "I don't have to worry either, because I drank a few mouthfuls of' smart spring' water this morning."

Hearing this, Kobayashi's face suddenly turned white: "Oh, no, I ate a lot of fool melon seeds on my way to school just now. It's over!"

From low to high

A stupid lady happened to be chatting with a warden at a party.

"oh! I can't believe you're the warden. You are too persistent. I see you were an ordinary prisoner at first, and then you came up step by step? "

Fools buy horses.

A rich man wants to buy a horse. He asked his friend how to tell the age of a horse.

His friend said to him, "You can see it from the horse's teeth." One day, someone brought him a good horse with 32 teeth.

"Matthew, who has thirty-two teeth, is old." He said. The result is that there is no deal. Later, someone brought him an old horse. He opened the horse's mouth and examined it carefully. When he saw that there were only four teeth, he said, "This is a good horse. It's only four years old. Although it is thin, if it is fed, it will grow very strong. "

Absolute horror rental experience

I once rented a house for some reason. The rent of this house is incredible, but after I moved in, I found that people around me always looked at me with strange eyes and pointed at me behind my back.

I was surprised that one day I finally caught the old man at the door and insisted that he tell me the truth. He said to me: Before I moved in, there lived a couple here. They have been very good, but one day they quarreled all night for some unknown reason, and they never saw that woman again. And that person disappeared after redecorating the room.

Neighbors have noticed that this man always paints the wall in the middle of the night, so they all think that this girl was killed by this man, and then the body was built into the wall. After listening to this story, my back chills.

Back to my residence, I checked everywhere, and finally sat on the bed, staring at a suspicious water stain on the opposite wall. The more I look at it, the more I feel like a person's shape. Her posture seems to be struggling to get out. My hair stands on end, so I will fall asleep soon.

In the middle of the night, I had a dream that two lovers were having a big fight. The man strangled the woman with a rope and buried her body in the wall. I saw the woman struggling in the wall with blood in her eyes, shouting: let me out, let me out! ! ! ! I woke up with a fright. I can't stand it any longer. I picked up a screwdriver to dig the wall.

Finally, I dug a small hole, and then I saw an eye looking at me. ...

Oh, my God, so it's true. ...

suddenly ...

Eyes turned into mouth, and then began to speak.

"Next door, what are you doing digging our wall? ! "

Strong man: When the TV station catches you crossing the street, you must answer calmly.

On my way back to the company, I was stopped by a group of guys with cameras. One of the handsome guys who didn't take anything said he was from the news channel and wanted to interview me.

After the interview started

A handsome guy inside asked me, "Did you just jump over the guardrail in the middle of the road?"

I said yes, that's right

He asked me if I knew it was wrong. Guess what? Why did you violate the traffic rules?

I said that in order to save time, time is money and life, and wasting my time is equivalent to killing my life with my money. This is what Mr. Lu Xun said.

My wife listened to me for a long time before she remembered to ask, don't you know it's dangerous to do that?

I said get used to it. Where is the absolute safe place in this world? The earth is spinning and life is moving. Anyone who is not careful can finish playing, sleeping can kill people alive, and eating can choke people alive. After understanding this, what is the danger of crossing the guardrail?

He was surprised at my answer, but just stood stupidly, not knowing what to ask me again.

So I offered my hand to shake hands with him and said in a friendly way, "Are you an intern? Nothing, then I'll go first. "

Go out barefoot.

Tom came to ask Jim for the bill, and Jim hid at home and didn't dare to show up. He saw Jim's shoes by the door and knew that people must be at home, so he knocked on the door.

But there was no movement in the room, so he shouted, "Jim, I know you are hiding at home. Are your shoes still by the door?"

A voice came from inside: "No, I can go out barefoot."

Dear Wukong, a letter from the Tang Priest, I have lived in heaven for quite some time. I don't know how you are doing in Huaguoshan. I write this letter slowly, because I know you can't read quickly. We have moved, but the address has not changed, because we brought our house number with us when we moved. It rained twice this week. It rained for three days for the first time and four days for the second time. Yesterday, we went to buy pizza. The clerk asked: Do you want to cut it into 8 pieces or 12 pieces? Your diligent mistress said: Cut it into 8 pieces, I'm afraid it's not enough. The pizza in that store is not bad. Let's go to a restaurant on the street for steak sometime. And your aunt Guanyin said that the coat you wanted me to send was overweight when it was mailed, so we cut the buttons and put them in the pocket of that coat. Your sister Chang 'e gave birth this morning. Because I don't know if it's a man or a woman, I don't know if you want to be an aunt or an uncle. Nothing has happened recently. I will write to you again. Finally, I forgot to tell you: I wanted to send you money, but the envelope was sealed.

We used to do this.

Hitler came to a mental hospital for examination. He asked a patient, "Do you know?"

Who am I? "The patient shook his head. So Hitler announced loudly: "I am Adolf Hitt. "

Le, your leader. My strength can be compared with God! "

The patients smiled and looked at him sympathetically. One of them patted Hitler on the shoulder.

He said, "Yes, yes, we were just like you when we started to get sick!" " "

Divers

A jewelry store was stolen. When the police arrived at the scene, they found a drunk lying there. In order to find out the whereabouts of the jewels, the police found a bucket of cold water, pushed the drunk's head into the water and asked, "Did you see those jewels?"

The drunk opened his misty eyes and said, "Sorry, I really can't find it. You'd better change a diver! " "

I threw up, too

A miser went to a bar to drink, took out the money prepared in advance and ordered a glass of beer.

Halfway through the drink, he felt anxious and wanted to go to the bathroom. But I'm afraid others will drink.

So he borrowed a pen and paper from the waiter. The paper says: I spit in the cup.

Then he left safely.

After a while, he came back and found the wine still there. He is very happy.

However, he found a few more words on the note: I threw up, too!

Mayor hunting

At the banquet, a nobleman invited the mayor to his mansion. The next day, the mayor unexpectedly led his servant.

The aristocrat turned out to be a fake story with little sincerity. I have no choice but to send someone to prepare a shotgun and let Mr. Mayor go out hunting.

Half an hour later, the mayor came back.

"Shooting is really interesting. Can you give me some more dogs? "

ticket

The conductor woke up a passenger sleeping by the window: "Your ticket, sir?"

"Tickets? What ticket? I don't have a ticket! "

"No ticket? Then where are you going? "

"I don't want to go anywhere!"

"Then why did you get on this train?"

"When I passed this train, you were shouting at me:' Please get on the bus and sit down quickly!' I had to walk into the carriage. "

Who is an idiot?

Two employees of a government department were red-faced and didn't notice that the minister was nearby.

A said, you big idiot!

B said: I have never seen such a stupid pig like you in my life!

At this time, the minister replied, gentlemen, please pay attention. You forgot I was here.

It's hard to get

The defendant promised to his defense lawyer: "If you have the ability to let me go to prison for only half a year, then you will get an extra reward of $65,438 +0 ooo."

As a result, the defendant finally got his wish, and the lawyer said while collecting money: "This is really a chore. Originally, the judge wanted to be acquitted. "