Please tell me a few jokes, please

1. Once upon a time there was a man named Ah Shuang. He is dead. The day of the funeral. His family members cried: ‘It’s so cool... it’s so cool. ’ Passers-by were puzzled. Asked: "What do you enjoy?" ' The family cried bitterly: 'It feels so good... it feels so good!!' 2. One day, the turtle father, turtle mother and turtle son's family decided to go for an outing. They brought a Shandong pancake and two cans of sea chicken and set off. Went to Yangmingshan. After ten years of hard work, it’s finally here! They sat on the ground, took off their equipment and prepared to eat. As a result, I discovered that I didn’t bring a can opener! Turtle Son: "...Then I'll go back and get it." Turtle Dad: "Good boy! Hurry! Your parents will wait for you to come back and have dinner together. Go and come back quickly!" Turtle Son: "You must wait for me to come back! Don't break your promise. !” Then Turtle Son set out on his way home... Time flies, and time flies. In the blink of an eye, 20 years have passed, but Turtle Son has not yet appeared. Turtle mother: "Honey... do you want to start dinner? I'm so hungry..." Turtle dad: "No! We promised our son! Well... wait for him for another five years, and if he doesn't come, we won't care about him!" In a blink of an eye, it's five Years later, turtle son still has no trace. Turtle’s parents don’t care anymore! The two elders decided to start. He took out the big cake and was about to eat it... Suddenly, Turtle Son poked his head out from behind the tree... Turtle Son: "Damn! I knew you would eat it secretly! Did you trick me into going back to get the can opener? I've been waiting for twenty After five years, I finally got it! I hate people for lying to me! 3. Xiaoxin: Dad, why are there three gold in my name? Dad: You are short of gold, so you named it Xin. For example, some people are named Miao when they are short of water, and some people are named Sen when they are short of wood. Xiaoxin: Dad, what do you think Sister Guo Jingjing is missing in her life? 4. A couple of boyfriend and girlfriend are sitting in the park. While we were having sex on the bench, the woman suddenly wanted to fart. She said to the man, "I heard the cuckoo cuckoo, but you don't hear it." So, the woman happily listened to the cuckoo cuckoo sound. A loud fart occurred. Female: Didn’t it sound like a bird? Male: The fart was too loud. 5. The turtle was injured. Two hours passed and the turtle didn’t come back. Anxiously, he cursed: If you don't come back, I'll die! At this time, a snail's voice came from outside the door: Don't you stop saying that I won't go! 6. One day, an elephant was taking a bath and suddenly there was an ant. Come over and say to the elephant. Stand up. Ant! Sit down. The elephant asked the ant what he wanted to do. The ant replied: I lost my underwear. Let me see if you wore it. 7. The elephant accidentally stepped on the ant nest, and the ants came out in large numbers and climbed onto the elephant. The elephant shook himself and the ants fell off. There was an ant falling on the elephant's neck, and he shouted, "Strangle it to death." 8. One day in a computer class, a row of students' computers crashed, so a classmate stood up and said, "Teacher." , the computer crashed, and our row was all dead. At this time, many classmates said: "We are also dead." At this time the teacher asked: "Who else is not dead?" Only one classmate stood up: "I'm not dead yet!" The teacher said strangely: "The whole class is dead, why don't you die?" 9. Before a monkey eats peanuts, he has to put them into his butt and then take them out to eat. The administrator explained: Someone once fed him a peach, but the peach core couldn't be pulled out. The monkey was frightened. Now he must measure it carefully. eat.

10. Xiao Ming: "Dad, am I a stupid boy?" Dad: "Silly boy, how can you be a stupid boy..." 11. Tell a story: "Once upon a time, there was a eunuch... …” Someone couldn’t bear to ask: “Where is it down there?” He continued to tell the story: “Down there? It’s gone…” 12. A man was just learning a foreign language and was walking on the street that day when he accidentally stepped on a foreigner’s foot. , the man hurriedly said: "I'm sorry." The foreigner also politely said: "I'm sorry too." When the man heard this, he hurriedly said: "I'm sorry three." When the foreigner heard this, he hurriedly said: "I'm sorry three." Stupid, he asked: "What are you sorry for?" The man said helplessly: "I'm sorry five." 13. A letter written by Tang Monk to Sun Wukong Dear Wukong: I wrote this letter very slowly. Because I know you can’t read quickly! We had rain twice this week, the first time it rained for 4 days and the second time it rained for 3 days! How are you doing in Huaguo Mountain? I have a very bad life in heaven. Since there is no gravity, my stool, urine, tears and nose can't fall. Do you think it's hard? The beef noodles we have here are delicious. When you come another day, we will go to the restaurant on West Street to eat hot pot together! Your eldest sister Guanyin is about to give birth, and because I don’t know whether it will be a boy or a girl, I don’t know yet whether you will be an uncle or an aunt! Have you received the clothes I sent you? When I was going to send it, I was afraid of being overweight, so I cut off the buttons and put them in my pocket! It’s getting late so I’m writing this here. If you have time to come to my place to play, remember not to drink too much water, otherwise it will be very uncomfortable if you can’t pee when you get here! P. S I wanted to send you money, but the envelope was already stuck! 14. A patient with indigestion complained to the doctor: I have been very abnormal recently. I have pooped out whatever I eat, cucumbers and watermelons. How can I get back to normal? The doctor is silent for a moment, then you can only eat shit. 15. · Someone went to Shanghai on a business trip and lost a dollar on the street. The police said, "We will help you find it." The man went back a month later. The street where he lost the money was dug up for road construction. He I can't help but sigh "Shanghai is real" 16. Classic joke: This ant. One day, an ant was basking in the sun. Suddenly he saw an elephant walking slowly. He stood up and straightened his front legs. The rabbit next to him asked what were you doing? The ant said: "Shh~~~~~~~ Keep your voice down and watch me kick him." 17. The earthworm family was very bored today, so the little earthworm cut himself into two pieces and went to play badminton. Mother Earthworm thought this method was good , he cut himself into four pieces to play mahjong. Dad Earthworm thought about it and cut himself into minced meat. The mother earthworm cried and said: "Why are you so stupid? If you cut it into pieces like this, you will die!" The father earthworm said weakly: "... suddenly I want to play football. 18. The tortoise and the hare race... the hare quickly ran to the front. ..The turtle saw a snail crawling very slowly.. He said to him: Come up, I will carry you..Then...the snail came up..After a while...the turtle saw another snail. The ant... said to him: "Come up too." So the ant also came up. After the ant came up, he saw the snail above and said "Hello" to him. Do you know what the snail said? The snail said. :Hold on tight, this turtle is so fast... 19. One day, there was a fire in the house, and the parents escaped. Only one son was left inside. The mother was very nervous and shouted outside the house: "My son..." ...You are doing hemp...You are on fire and you are still not coming out..." The son replied: "I am putting on my socks..." The mother said again, "What are you wearing after you are on fire? Socks..." After five minutes, the son still hadn't come out... The mother shouted nervously again, "Son, what on earth are you doing?" Come out quickly~ It’s all on fire, and you’re still in there..." The son said, "I’m taking off my socks... 23. A man went fishing by the river and first wore a leaf~ He didn’t wear it for a long time. When the fish took the bait, he changed it to a piece of bread. Again, no fish took the bait for a long time. He had no choice but to change it to earthworms. Again, no fish took the bait for a long time. He was so angry that he took out 100rmb, threw it into the water and cursed: "*—# What do you want to eat? Go buy it yourself! ! !

The Chinese teacher who was writing on the blackboard suddenly turned around and shouted: "That's enough! Stop it! It's so noisy!" The whole class was silent. The teacher said again: "Who is eating noodles so loudly in class?" 25. The patient said to the dentist: "You are really good at making money. You made 3 US dollars in just 3 seconds." The doctor replied: "If If you want, I can pull it out for you in slow motion. " 26. "Narcissism" means that I must be reincarnated as a woman in my next life and marry a man like me; "Despair" means ordering two dishes at a restaurant and eating. The first one: "Is there anything more delicious than this in the world?!" The second one said, "Damn! It really does!" "Speechless" means the judge asked: Why did you print counterfeit money? The criminal said: I don't know how to make real money. Yin 27. The Weaver Girl went down to the earth to take a bath and met the Cowherd, and performed a love story that shocked the world and made us cry. This incident tells us: there is no chance to take a bath at home, so you must take a bath outside... 28. Xiao Ming After going to the toilet, he returned to the classroom and said to the teacher: "There are a lot of ants in the toilet." The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant, so he tested Xiao Ming: "How do you say ant?" Xiao Ming looked confused... and said: "Ant... what?" "I didn't say..." 29. A man kept farting loudly at work. His colleagues couldn't help but said to him, "Can you just keep quiet?" Then they saw him sitting there shaking non-stop. The colleague asked strangely. What is he doing? He replied: "I am silent, now it has been set to vibrating!!!" 30. Female mosquito: "My child, what's wrong with you?" The little mosquito cried and said: "The little flies bullied me today. , said I was bloodthirsty and a vampire." Female mosquito: "Don't pay attention to it, their family is not a good thing, they all grew up eating shit. 31. I spent 80,000 to buy a Western Zhou clay pot, Yesterday I went to the "Treasure Appraisal" column for appraisal, and the expert said seriously: "How can this be from the Western Zhou Dynasty? This is from last week!" 32. Son: "Mom, I failed the math test today." Mother: "Why, what question." Son: "The teacher asked me 2*3=? I said =6." Mother: "That's right, and then "Son: "Then the teacher asked me 3*2=?" Mother: "Aren't these the same thing?" Son: "That's what I said too... 33. A prisoner was shot, and the bullet was "such and such "Produced by the county, the quality was poor. The first shot was not fired, and then the second shot was fired... and the third shot... At this time the prisoner cried: "Strangle me to death, it's too scary!" " 34. The father told his son a story: "The uncle asked Xiao Yang to chop wood. Unexpectedly, Xiao Yang chopped down the uncle's favorite peach tree. The uncle was very angry when he saw it but did not scold him. Do you know why?" The son replied: "Maybe it's because Xiaoyang still has an ax in his hand. So he didn't dare to scold him. 35. Dung Beetle and Mosquito fall in love when they first met. Dung Beetle: "What do you do?" Mosquito: "Nurse, injector." Dung Beetle He grabbed the mosquito's hand and cried bitterly: "It's fate, I am also a doctor, a traditional Chinese medicine, and a pill maker.