China ancient jokes

The grocer has a new daughter. One day, a friend came to fix up his little daughter and told her that she was only one year older than the girl.

The businessman and his wife discussed the marriage in private. He said: "My daughter has just turned one year old, and the boy is two years old, twice as big as her daughter. When his daughter gets married at the age of twenty, he will be forty. How can we have the heart to let our daughter marry such an old man? "

His wife smiled and said, "You are so stupid! Now that our daughter is one year old, won't she be as big as that boy next year? "

* Who feeds it?

A fifty-year-old man has a thirty-year-old son. This son is lazy and never does anything. His father provides him with food and clothing.

The old man was very worried about his son, so he took his son to tell his fortune. Both father and son believed the fortune teller's words: the father can live to be 80 years old and the son can live to be 62 years old.

My son was very worried when he learned of his father's and his birthday. The father comforted his son and said:

"Don't be sad! You are only thirty years old, and you still have 32 years of good life! "

The son replied, "I'm not worried about my life, but your life makes me sad."

My father was very moved and said with tears in his eyes, "You don't have to be too sad! I still have thirty years to live! "

The son said, "I don't care how long you live." I calculated carefully, you died two years before me, who will support me for two years? "

Never mind that it's missing.

Once, a ferry was crossing the river when its hull suddenly hit a rock. The river kept pouring into the cabin, and the passengers panicked. Only one gentleman sat quietly and laughed off all the fuss. "Don't worry! It's none of our business, "said the man. "Never mind, it missed! The boat is not ours. "

Superstitious geomantic omen

A person who is very superstitious about Feng Shui should consult Mr. Feng Shui in everything and predict bad luck and good luck.

One day, he was sitting under a wall, and the wall suddenly collapsed and pinned him down. He shouted for help, and the servants came to see him and said, "boss, please be patient!" We have to ask Mr. Feng Shui first to see if it is appropriate to break ground today. "

Borrow cattle

Someone wanted to borrow a cow from a rich man, so he sent a servant to the rich man and asked him to send a letter to borrow the cow. The rich man accompanied the guests and pretended to read the letter for fear that the guests would know that they could not read. He kept nodding while watching, then looked up and said to the bearer, "I see, I'll go by myself later."

Another bowl.

An old woman is very particular about taboos. On holidays, she is always lucky and never says "no".

On New Year's Day, as soon as grandma got up, her little granddaughter sent a bowl of sweet sticky porridge, and she drank it happily.

Granddaughter asked, "Grandma, would you like another bowl?"

The grandmother replied, "Good, good."

The little granddaughter immediately brought the second bowl of sticky porridge, and she drank it again.

The little granddaughter asked, "Another bowl?"

Grandma thought that she couldn't say "no" on New Year's Day, so she said, "Well, I'll drink three wrists." In this way, the grandmother drank six bowls at a time, and her stomach was like a big drum.

The little granddaughter who is not sensible is still asking: "Grandma, do you want another bowl?"

Grandma shook her hand involuntarily and said, "no, I don't want to drink." If I drink a little more, grandma will swell to death! " "

There is a scholar who has to catch up with the exam. He worried day and night, and his strange appearance puzzled his wife.

She said, "Look at your cowardice. Is it more difficult for men to write articles than for women to have children? "

The scholar sighed, "It is always easier for a woman to have a baby than to write an article!"

The woman asked again, "Why?"

The reader replied, "a woman can have a baby at any time, but my stomach is empty." How can I write an article? "

cursive script

There was a prime minister, Zhang, who liked cursive writing very much, but didn't work hard. Everyone laughed at his poor handwriting, but the Prime Minister didn't care.

One day, he inadvertently drafted a sentence and immediately wrote a book full of paper dragons and snakes. After writing, he asked my nephew to copy it again.

When my nephew started copying, he was tongue-tied and couldn't write. He had to take the manuscript and ask the Prime Minister, "Uncle, I don't know your handwriting. Please tell me what these words are? "

The prime minister looked at it repeatedly for a long time and didn't even know himself. He scolded his nephew and said, "Why didn't you ask me earlier? I have forgotten what I wrote until now! "

Change boots

Someone has a pair of thick-soled boots and a pair of thin-soled boots. One morning, he put a thick-soled boot and a thin-soled boot on his feet by mistake. When he was on a business trip, he walked on the road with one foot high and one foot low, feeling very uncomfortable. He said in surprise, "It's strange how my legs have become longer and shorter today?"

Someone reminded him on the road, "You are wearing the wrong boots."

Hearing this, he hurried home to change his boots. However, when he got home, he thought about it and said, "Don't change it. There are also thick and thin at home. "

This word has grown so big overnight!

A scholar taught his son to know the word "one", and soon the boy remembered it.

The next day, when the man was cleaning the table, he drew a horizontal line on the table with a rag. He wanted to test whether his son knew the word "one", but the boy didn't know it at all.

Father said, "This is the word" one "that I taught you yesterday!"

The boy opened his eyes wide and said in surprise, "It's only one night, and the word' one' has grown so big!"

I told your son to catch cold, too

During the Song Dynasty (900- 1279), there was a Wei who loved his children very much. One day, he came home and saw his son kneeling in the snow without a coat. He asked why, knowing that it was his mother's grandson who was seriously negligent in corporal punishment. So he stripped off his back, tied himself up and knelt beside his son.

His mother heard about it and came to ask him why he did this to himself. Qiu replied:

"You freeze my son, and I will freeze your son!"

A man was so hungry that he went to a snack bar to buy a cake. He was dissatisfied after eating one piece of cake, and then he ate the second piece. After eating six cakes in a row, he was still not full. He didn't feel satisfied until he finished the seventh cake. However, at this moment, he suddenly regretted it: "Alas, if I had known this, it would have been enough for me to eat the seventh cake. Why should I eat those six cakes for nothing? " ? "

scissors

Once upon a time, a soldier was shot in the leg in a battle, and the pain was unbearable. The officer invited a surgeon to treat his arrow wound. The doctor looked at it and said, "This is not difficult!" He took out a pair of scissors, cut off the exposed shaft, and then asked for the operation fee and left.

The soldier said anxiously, "Who won't cut off the shaft?" I want you to pull out the arrow that went into the meat! "

The doctor shook his head and said, "I have finished the operation." Digging arrows out of meat is a matter of internal medicine. "

Send plaque

A man boasted that he could pass the imperial examination in high school and said, "I dream at night, and someone is playing drums."

Send me a plaque. "His friend said," I dreamed that someone gave you a plaque with four words written on it.

Word: damn it. "

anxious

Some people grew up in a rich family and spent money to buy a five-product official, but they didn't know the sufferings of the people. One winter, he went out to inspect. I saw a beggar standing shivering in the cold wind. He felt very strange and asked his entourage, "Why is this person always moving?" The waiter said, "It's cold and my clothes are thin. I'm shivering." The man was even more surprised and said, "Isn't it cold to shake?"

A rich man bought a barrel of wine and put a seal on the lid. His servant

He drilled a hole in the bottom of the barrel and stole wine every day. The rich man found the seal intact.

No, but it's amazing that the amount of alcohol is getting less and less every day. It was suggested that he go and have a look.

Going down to the bottom of the bucket to see if there is any flaw, the rich man replied, "Are you really a fool?"

There is less wine on the top and a lot of wine on the bottom. " ...

A man was invited to dinner. When the host pours wine, he only pours half a cup at a time. that person

He said to his master, "You have a saw at home. Please lend it to me." The master asked:

"What's the use of borrowing?" The guest pointed to the cup and said, "Since the top half of this cup can't be filled.

If you get the wine, you should cut it off. What's the use of keeping it? "

A joint venture producing wine.

Two friends are going to make wine jointly. A said to B, "You leave the rice and I'll leave the water." B said: "

Rice can be produced by me. After drinking it, how can I share the profits? "A said," I will never let you suffer.

After drinking, I just want water, and the rest is yours. "

solve the riddle

Wumen Zhang Youyu made the envoy curious. Every day, intruders put up puzzles and put them on the door: "Shoot Xu!" "

Enter. "Mystery cloud:" Old but not old, small but not small; "Don't be ashamed, okay." There is nothing in it; Wang Bai

Gu Xiaoyun said, "The squire is 80 years old when he meets King Wen; Gan Luo twelve as prime minister, small not small; closed

It is shameful to swallow alone; Open the door for everyone to eat, okay. "Zhang laughed.

Isn't it faster?

A man was ordered to deliver an urgent document, and his boss specially gave him a fast horse. But he's just talking to

Run behind the horse. Passers-by asked him, "Since it's so urgent, why not ride a horse?" He said:

"Isn't it faster to walk with six feet than with four feet?"

Willing to die

There was an emperor who loved playing the piano, but he played it so badly that the civil servants and queens in the Qing Dynasty could not stand it.

His piano sound. The emperor searched the whole court, but he couldn't find a bosom friend.

He ordered a condemned man to be released from prison. The emperor promised: "as long as you say my piano."

Well done, I can save you from death. "Unexpectedly, the emperor just played the piano halfway when the condemned man cried," Chase!

Next, please stop playing, I want to die! "

Pick up the straw rope

Someone committed theft and was locked up by the government and sold to the public. Someone asked him, "What did you do?"

How big is the crime? "He sighed:" A person is unlucky and walks against the board. Yesterday, I was not careful.

However, when I saw a straw rope in the street, I thought it would be useful in the future, so I picked it up. "

The questioner asked, "Is it so heavy to pick up a straw rope?" I only heard the prisoner continue to say, "I don't know.

At the end of the straw rope, there is still a cow tied!

Yandou family property

A rich businessman is very stingy. He put salted beans in a bottle and used chopsticks every time he ate.

Take some pills for dinner. He was having dinner that day. Suddenly, someone told him, "Your son is eating.

Big fish and big meat are eaten in the store! Hearing this, the rich businessman scolded, "Who am I working so hard to save money for?"?

? Then pour out a handful of salt beans from the bottle, put them all in your mouth, and chew and say, "I lost, too."

Losing your family! "

Like father, like son.

There is a kind of person who is arrogant and never lets others. One day, he was walking in the street and crossing the street.

Nobody made way for him. Of course he wouldn't let me, so they stood face to face.

Look at that. After a long time, the man's father came to him and asked him anxiously, "Why are you here?"

Stand, your family is waiting for you to buy food and go back to cook! ""I can't go, this man won't give it to me.

Excuse me. ""then you go to buy rice, and I'll stand here and show you who will make way for who in the end! "

Bald personality

A scholar met a monk. The scholar thought of the monk's ugliness and asked him, "Teacher!

Fu, how do bald donkeys write bald words? "The monk said," it's just a kind word from the scholar, with a slight ass.

Turn around. "

Celebrate a holiday

This is Passover. A newly married couple don't understand complicated holiday etiquette, so

The husband asked his wife to peek at the neighbor's blacksmith's house. The wife approached the window and looked.

The blacksmith is hitting his wife with a coal shovel! When his wife came home, her husband asked her what she saw.

Yao, she always refused to say. Finally, the husband got angry and picked up a coal shovel to hit her. She cried.

He smiled and said, "Since you know all about it, why did you send me?"

Mosquito seed

A monk wants to use blood to fast mosquitoes. When there are many mosquitoes, monks find it unbearable, so

Flap with your hand. People nearby asked, "Why do you want to feed mosquitoes?"

? The monk said, "They ate and ate, so they should fight."

Everyone knows that Ji Xiaolan is a quick thinker. .....

one day ...

When he wanted to find the emperor, ...

Be stopped by eunuch ...

Eunuch: I heard that Mr. Ji is a gifted scholar. ....

Can you write poetry? ......

Or I won't let you pass. ...

Ji Xiaolan can't think about it. ....

I wrote two poems. ...

Sanguang Tiandi ren

Four seasons, summer, autumn and winter.

Eunuch said ....

Aren't there four seasons in a year?

What about spring?

Mr. Ji looked at the eunuch coldly. ....

Say: Do you still have spring?

Stingy

A couple of landlords are notoriously stingy. One day, a man went to town and walked to the toilet, but later he thought, this

Good fertilizer can't be cheap to others. So I've been holding it. Later, I couldn't hold it any longer, so I went to the toilet.

But nothing came out except a few farts. So I'm proud. Back to my hometown, back to the old people.

Grandma told her own experience. Who knows that my wife flew into a rage: You are a black sheep, how can you live like this? Save it.

If only these farts could blow out the lights!

Indecent verse

Once upon a time, there was a scholar named "Xipo" who often praised Su Shi. During the drought, the satrap set up an incense table to beg for rain and ordered him to write poems.

A song commemorating this grand occasion.

The scholar wrote a poem saying, "The prefect prays for rain, and all the people are grateful for virtue. Last night I pushed the window to see the moon. "

The satrap was furious and sent Yunyang.

His uncle gave it to him. Farewell, the scholar saw that his uncle was blind, so he presented a poem: "See Yunyang, and see my uncle as if he were my mother." Bury people together

Tears, three lines. "

To match, officials like his poems, take his wife as the topic and ask him to recite them. The scholar said, "Ring Ding Dong, madam, come out of the back hall.

Three-inch golden lotus, horizontal. "

The official's anger made him laugh at himself. The scholar sighed, "The ancients were named Dongpo, but I am now named Xipo. When the two are compared, they are much worse. "

Chapeng

A scholar went to a tea shed to drink tea. A nun in the shed didn't know a word of the scriptures, so she went to consult a scholar:

"Excuse me, Guo-zi-jian diploma, how to pronounce this word? 」

When the scholar heard someone calling him a Guo-zi-jian diploma, he deliberately flaunted his talent and said, "This monk, you should know about sorrow and decline, Guo-zi-jian diploma.

It's the same as a scholar and a scholar, but it's different in the stomach. 」

As soon as the nun heard that he called himself a monk, she said disapprovingly, "You know, Qi and Zhai, nuns and monks are the same as cassocks.

The crotch is different. 」

A little girl serving tea in a tea shed couldn't help laughing. Both of them turned back and said, "Sister-in-law, what are you laughing at?"

What? 」

An unmarried little girl heard them call her sister-in-law. She was very angry and said, "It's good to know, girl and sister-in-law.

The whole body is the same, but the circle is different. 」

Note: 1. In ancient times, Guo Jianzi was bought with money. Scholars had to take exams, but the hats were the same. 2。 I thought maybe before

Draw a circle on "good" to identify the pronunciation. The original text is not marked. Please pay attention.

Get an undeserved/undeserved reward

The prince of an emperor in the Jin Dynasty held a soup-cake banquet. A senior official stood up and said, "Congratulations to your majesty's harem heir. We are ashamed."

Get something for nothing "

The emperor said seriously, "What are you talking about? Can this make Qing and others meritorious? "

priestling

There was a young monk who ran into the yard with a long bamboo pole in the middle of the night, waving and banging at the night sky, making a scene.

Finally, the old monk was disturbed. The old monk asked, "What on earth are you doing without sleeping in the middle of the night?" Little monk.

Trembling with fear and courage, he replied, "Master, I want the stars in the sky, but no matter how hard I wave them."

Play, always can't play ... "When the old monk heard this, he suddenly flew into a rage and swore," You are so stupid.

Eggs, not even knowing such a simple question, are really stupid and unforgivable. How can you fight in a place like that? ...

You won't climb the roof. 」

Husband and wife quarrel

Once upon a time, a man took his son to a friend's house. When I arrived at my friend's house, my friend's son was so enthusiastic, "Hey,

Uncle uncle ~ "said, and led them into the yard. Dad saw a cow tied to the yard, and it was very strong, so he said:

Your cow is really strong. The friend's son replied, "Little beast, why bother?" Dad asked again, "You?"

Where's Dad? "Answer:" Go up the mountain to play chess with the old monk, and spend the night in the temple tonight. I looked up and saw a good picture.

Ask "What is this painting"? A: Ancient Paintings of the Tang Dynasty.

When dad went back, he taught his son, "Look at other people's children. They can talk more. " The son is not convinced. "Hey, me too. ..

Next time someone comes, don't panic, just listen in the back. "

Two days later, my friend came back. A friend asked his son, "Where's your father?" "Little beast, why bother?" "What about you?

Where's mom? Play chess with the old monk on the mountain and spend the night in the temple tonight. "ah? ! "。 Dad can't take it anymore.

Stop, jump out and smack is a slap. "What is this?" The son touched his cheek, "an old saying in the Tang Dynasty".

One day, a semi-illiterate farmer came to town in the scorching sun. I'm thirsty. I want to sell water.

Suddenly, I saw a plaque hanging in front of a shop, which read: Clear water pool. It should be a bathhouse, but he only knows the middle.

One word: water. It is a recognized place to sell water. Let the waiter carry the water. Manned ao however he, let a person put together.

Use pea bath water. What does this man care about the taste? He took a few sips and then swallowed it. After thanking him, he left, but put

The cattail leaf fan was thrown on the counter. The shopkeeper saw it and ran to give it to him. The farmer said gratefully, "Boss.

Yes, you'd better sell your tea quickly, it's a little spoiled. "

Good static electricity

There is a quiet man who lives among copper blacksmiths. He felt sad and miserable day and night and often said, "If these two families move away,

On the day I live, I want to make some contribution to the East. One day, two craftsmen suddenly came together and said, "I'm moving away soon, so I promised to be the East. I'm special."

Come and knock on the collar ",ask the date and say" only tomorrow ". He was overjoyed, so he filled up the money and asked, "You are two families. "

Move to where? "The second craftsman said," I moved to his house and he moved to mine. "