Who gives me some latest and funniest jokes?

1. Go to dinner with colleagues after work today. We ordered a plate of scrambled eggs with Chili peppers and found a hair in it. Then my colleague picked up his hair with chopsticks and shouted, boss ~ ~ You see this? When the boss saw it, he shouted, Come on! Change a pair of chopsticks for this lady.

2. I took my photo as a computer desktop on a whim … and then the computer was poisoned …

The temperature has dropped recently. I saw a Hercules on the highway, driving a convertible and wearing a motorcycle helmet.

4. Batch homework, see students do geometry problems without drawing, casual remarks: no picture, no truth ~

5. My girlfriend wants to check the phone bill, and sends a text message to 10086: How much is my phone bill left?

6. One day, I was defecating in the toilet (the toilet in the school dormitory, where I squatted). When I squatted for too long, my legs were a little numb, so I held my hand against the door to keep my balance. Then I felt another stool coming out, and I began to exert myself and unconsciously used my hand. Result. . . . . I x, the door lock was broken, so I came out. Can you think of what your classmates saw outside? ! A classmate of Guangpi shares suddenly rolled out of the toilet and was sprayed with PP, which was absolutely shocking! ! ! And people on the same floor basically know each other, I x! ! I can't hold my head in front of these classmates in my life. ...

7. The first time I went to eat Italian pizza, I didn't know what to eat, so I ordered a set meal in 8 yuan, 38 yuan, and a cheese.

After dinner, I found something missing. I thought there was a piece of cheese missing, so I shouted, "Waiter, why hasn't my cheese been served yet?" I ate it all. Should I let others eat it?

Waiter: Sir, your cheese has been poured on your pizza. ...

Me: Nothing, you go and get busy. ...

8. After going to physical education class in the morning, I was so hungry that I went to a restaurant to eat. There were too many people, too crowded and too messy, so I shouted to my aunt who was cooking, "Hurry up!" Aunt shouted to the cook inside, "Come into the house quickly! Beggars are impatient.

9. My brother went to a primary school to play basketball and heard a junior girl ask a junior boy, "Do you love me or not?" The boy said helplessly, "My mother gives me 3 yuan a day, of which 2.5 yuan is for you to buy snacks. Do you think I love you or not? " ..

10. My husband took me to work in the morning and left. Then I suddenly received his text message: "I just sent that bitch away, and I'll find you right away, dear."

1 1. In the morning, there was a MM wearing a mask sitting next to the bus, and it was a window seat. The flu is very fierce now, and I don't feel anything. Everyone knows that there are many people in winter, and the bus windows are closed, so the smell on the bus is naturally worse. Everyone is frowning. But that MM's expression naturally saw that she took out a straw from her pocket and put it on the corner of her mouth, opened the window a crack, and greedily sucked the air outside. . . . . This move is by no means ordinary people. =

12. Our math teacher always likes to tell jokes that nobody laughs at.

Our whole class discussed making fun of him, and when he said the first sentence in class, we all laughed in unison.

He came that day and silently said that his father had passed away.

I laughed at once, and everyone else was silent.

13. When I lived in high school, a classmate came home and asked him to bring me something, so he sent a short message: burn me some clothes and money.

14. I suddenly received a phone call that day: "Guess who I am? Guess there is a gift! "

I guessed all possible people, and they were wrong. Later, I got angry and asked, "Who are you? Don't say I'm dead! "

As a result, the man said, "I'm a courier, and you have a package ..."

I vomited blood at that time.

15. I am a nurse. One day I was working the night shift. In the middle of the night, I suddenly remembered that my vegetables were confiscated. I was afraid of being stolen, so I called my sister and asked her to collect it for me. By the way, I stole some others'. After the phone call, I went to give the patient oral medicine. I entered the room gently, patted the patient gently, and said gently, Grandpa, get up and steal food.

16. I took the bus today, and the driver at one stop asked, "The back door is closed!" No one answered, so he closed the back door and started. This is a girl's faint voice in the carriage: "Open the door!" The driver braked angrily, suddenly opened the back door and shouted, "Get off quickly!" "Everyone in the car looked at the back door, but no one got off for a long time. They looked at each other inexplicably.

At this time, the woman in the car TV sent another voice: "Open the door!" "

17. I farted on the bus.

Seeing people waving around, their faces are full of pain.

I also waved.

The lady next to her turned and said, stop pretending.

18. There are frequent scandals in Wuhan University. I don't know if this counts. Wuhan University has a Zhouyi class. The teacher came in with a compass and walked around the classroom. Then, he spit out a sentence: students, it is not appropriate to have class today. Let's finish school.

19. One day at 4 o'clock in the middle of the night, a friend called and said, "Well, I just saw a missed call from you on my mobile phone last year, so I called to ask you what you wanted."

I was speechless at once.

20. After graduating from a high school, my classmate went to the highway intersection as a toll collector. One day, a Japanese man came to his window and asked for directions. Japanese fluent English made him unable to understand a word, but a strong sense of patriotism told him not to lose face in front of the Japanese, so he just smiled and nodded, "Yes, yes, yes ~!" "Then the Japanese rode his bike on the highway!

2 1. My wife and I went to the reclining Buddha Temple to play. My wife couldn't walk on the road, so I carried her.

An old woman saw it and said seriously, you see, you are also a scholar. My wife is ill, so it's no use going to the hospital earlier.

22. My house is rented to a Japanese guest. One day, a guest called me and said in fluent Chinese, "Sang, the natural gas at home is running out. Can you help me add it?" Since guests seldom bother me, I especially hope that I won't be inconvenienced by the house, so I asked, "Sang, are you dead now?" @ # ......% @ #, I felt something was wrong when the words came out. Fortunately, I am Japanese and don't understand the essence of Chinese. I actually replied, "I'm not dead yet. I think I'll die in three days!" "

23. After military training in senior high school, the first day of class is Chinese class.

I didn't rest at the same table, so I slept in class.

The teacher saw, "Students who are sleeping,

Please answer this question. "

My deskmate woke up with a tingle. "I won't ..."

Teacher: "concentrate on the class and stop sleeping."

Sit down! Then student 53 comes to answer this question. "

The deskmate stood up again: "Teacher, I won't ..."

The teacher fainted. "Sit down, and then the students will answer!"

The deskmate stood up and said, "Teacher, I really can't!" "

"Sit down! The representative of the Chinese class answered me! "

The deskmate stood up again: "Teacher, I am the representative of Chinese class ..."

24. When I got out of the carport and got the car, I saw no one around, so I bravely put a P, which caused a loud noise from the burglar alarm of the electric motorcycle next door.

25. By bus, I sit in the front row by the window.

Half an hour later, I put my head out of the window.

There's another buddy in the back row, his head sticking out of the window.

I shouted to him, "Hold your head up."

That buddy doesn't seem to be a fuel-efficient lamp either. He squinted and said, "Go ahead, it's none of your business."

I chickened out, and that guy chickened out. I turned to him and said very politely, "Please don't stick your head out of the window again."

I put my head out of the window for the second time.

I guess that guy has special self-esteem. He thinks you can reach out and I can reach out, so he sticks his head out of the window again.

I can't hold it any longer. Oh, that boy's face is covered with dust.

The buddy screamed, and my friend next to me, with a big waist and a round waist, said to the buddy, "What do you mean, you were greeted?"

26. I bought an ipod touch, and a friend told me that the screen is hard, no film is needed, and the buttons are fine. . Then I scratched it with my key. grass

27. Once, after the bell rang, a boy rushed into the classroom and rushed to the last row. The teacher said: some students are late and come in through the back door. Don't influence others! After the boy sat down, he took a bite of the steamed stuffed bun. He found a beautiful MM beside him and kept staring at her. He thought that MM didn't eat breakfast either, so he gave her the steamed stuffed bun politely. The teacher spoke again, and this time his face turned pale: some students forgot when they were late, and they still had breakfast in class. Don't give the steamed stuffed bun to the teacher!

28. My parents said that I stayed in a hotel with them when I was young. When I got up in the morning, they found me skillfully brushing my teeth with a toothbrush. The problem was that the washbasin in the hotel was higher than mine, so they asked me how to fill it. I took them into the toilet and pointed to the toilet. ...

29. I once rented A Jin Tianyi in Manba, and when I saw the second page, I burst into tears. I don't know who drew a circle on a character with a blue ballpoint pen and wrote, this is the murderer. ...

30. I couldn't find my mobile phone at my friend's house that day, so I borrowed my friend's girlfriend's mobile phone and dialed it to hear where it was. Enter my number, press the dial key, and my name saved by her will be displayed on the screen: NB3 (then I feel gratified, fortunately, I am the third runner-up ...)

3 1. I had a group meeting at school today and suddenly sneezed unexpectedly. I looked up and found my nose on the back of the girl in front. The woman didn't notice, so she secretly wanted to help her wipe it off. Just put your hand up, the girl next to you found it and shouted, "How can you wipe someone's nose?" ! ? "

32. When I was in college, my classmates had dinner and drank one cup after another, and then my stomach reacted. . .

I threw up when I rushed to the toilet and didn't stand firm. . . . Rustling mouth to go back and sit down, nothing happened. After a while, my friend got up and said he wanted to go to the toilet. I kindly advised, "Don't go, someone just threw up. It's disgusting."

33. Get on the bus in the afternoon, take out the bus card and bump into the slot.

When I was in middle school, I didn't do my homework well once and did it again. The next morning, I went to buy breakfast, and then I gave it to my deskmate and asked him to hand it in for me. The most classic place appeared, and he wrote it after redoing it, but he didn't do it. Then he handed it in. Next, there is a play,,,,,,.

Walking behind a crowded street, there was a sudden whistle. Before I could react, a Buick commercial vehicle hit my shoulder. I didn't get angry, just gently took out the key and drew a beautiful arc from beginning to end during its progress.

36. It's cheap to buy socks at a stall. I wanted to buy 30 pairs, but only the same black style was left. The sock seller told me that one color was good, and no one could tell if one was missing ... I thought it was right, so I bought 30 pairs ... I changed them every two days ... and it was almost two months later, and my deskmate couldn't stand it.

Me: ....

37. Talk in a dream together in high school.

"Love the princess, love the princess, don't leave me."

I was stunned. ...

soon

"I am not reconciled, I am not reconciled."

I just had a breakdown. ...

Tell me something about my wife.

The day before yesterday, my wife found a financial software online, so I gave her the computer. I watched. My wife skillfully opens www.google.com, enters "Baidu" in the search bar, and then opens Baidu in the search results to continue looking for what she wants-+

Now, I always tell my wife what I am looking for. Go to Google Baidu ...

39. Tell me about a classmate's parents.

His parents just started dating. One day when I was shopping, my mother took a fancy to a down jacket, but when she saw the price, she took my father away.

His father said, if we can't afford it, can't we try? His father forced his mother into the dressing room.

His mother changed, and when his father saw it, he took his mother and ran away, saying, run! While the clerk is away!

His mother is wearing that down jacket, and the label is floating outside. She was dragged out by her father and happened to pass a post. Her mother cried with a pillar in her arms. His father turned around and said seriously, run! Are you waiting to be caught?

His mother cried even more. Then his father smiled: Hahahaha ... I paid for the clothes when you went in.

40. classmate a had a car accident, his foot was broken and he was hospitalized.

Several of our classmates who had a good time went to see him.

I met his parents as soon as I entered the inpatient department.

I hurried to ask about A's illness.

As a result, when I opened my mouth, I became

"Aunt, uncle, how dead ~ ~. . . "

His parents turned blue. .

4 1. The funniest thing in high school.

There will be no money then. We often chip in to buy cigarettes. My buddy and I bought a box of cigarettes that day.

I was just about to go to the bathroom to smoke, but I ended up in class. That's the class teacher's class. Forget it. Let's go to class first.

In class, I saw that guy secretly wrote a note, then rubbed a big ball and threw it at me.

As soon as the class teacher saw it, the class teacher directly came down and took it away, stood on the podium and began to read.

Khan ing, if I knew what it said, I would rather swallow it than give it to her.

The head teacher opened his mouth and said, "Yak (my nickname, if my classmates are on it, you can recognize me)", and the whole class burst into laughter. ...

"Get ZJ two cigarettes first." The whole class continued to laugh ... except ZJ.

"Give two to the boss (a classmate's nickname, not the real boss)" The whole class continued to laugh ... except ZJ and the boss.

"I'll share the rest." The whole class laughed and their stomachs ached. ...

The most classic appeared.

"If you want a box, you will lose one, and if you don't want a box, you will have one more." The whole class laughed directly. ...

I'm completely speechless ... sorry, RZ.

42. My roommate played a trick on me and hid my wallet in a small box. The problem with MD is that the small box is a gift I want to give to a female netizen in Guangzhou. I am so awesome that I found my wallet missing after two days of mailing. I am in Wuhan, and my ID card, bank card and girlfriend photos are all in the hands of female netizens in Guangzhou.

When I was in high school, I always got together to smoke after class.

I happened to have something to tell you that day, so I started smoking slowly.

Everyone else has finished smoking, and I have half left. When I saw that the class was about to start, I took two sips.

Suddenly the head teacher came in. I threw the cigarette on the ground and stepped on it with my foot.

But the two cigarettes just inhaled have to hold their breath.

The class teacher read it and asked me, do you smoke?

I shook my head.

Class teacher: Tell me.

Keep shaking your head

The head teacher is angry: you talk to me.

Me: I ... don't ... smoke ... (as smoke comes out of my nose and mouth)

The class teacher couldn't hold back his laughter. ...

44. I spent 50 yuan on the Internet to buy a hand-made face soap. Two days is useless. When I wanted to use it again at night, I found that it was half thin and there were soap bubbles on it, which made me vomit blood.

My dad also said that your soap is really easy to use, and it is slippery after taking a shower.

45. When I returned to the dormitory at noon, I saw a coke in the cup and drank it all at once. I was depressed after drinking it. It turns out that the buddy in the dormitory ate jiaozi and bought a bag of vinegar. There was nowhere to pour, so he put it in my cup. . .

46. Teachers like to devote themselves to this topic. One day, the teacher said, "My base radius is 20cm, and my height is 50cm, so I …" Someone replied, "I'm a fool …"

47. I am quite forgetful. I forgot to turn off the gas after taking a shower last night. ...

Then my mother helped me clean up the mess and said, so you must never commit a crime, because you will definitely leave behind criminal evidence. ...

48. I lost a key while looking for my pocket. I didn't find it at that time, but I went back to find it later!

There was a couple on the roadside, and the man suddenly said excitedly, Whose is it? Whose is it?

I thought it was the key. Say it quickly, mine, mine! this is mine

Only later did I know that the woman was pregnant. . . . Pity my face. . . It hurt for a few days

49. I am a real person next door to Senior Two. ..

A person sleeps in class ... and is found by the teacher.

He was angry. He asked A to solve the problem in front of the blackboard. .....

If you can't write, prepare to humiliate A in public.

In fact, Teacher A began to sour him before he went to the blackboard. ..

It's a shame to dare to sleep in class with such poor grades.

Is your head at home ... do you sleep all day? ...

I didn't expect that he could write ... and solve it beautifully. ...

The teacher is a little embarrassed ... so we have to put him back in his seat and leave him alone. ....

I didn't expect him to choke the teacher. ....

I'm going to sleep first.

Ask me if there will be any in the future.

50. In other words, my girlfriend works as a summer job and sells mobile phones in a mobile phone plaza.

One day at noon, at lunch time, there was almost no one in the shop. An uncle came to the counter next to my girlfriend to look at the mobile phone. It's just that the mm at that counter hasn't eaten yet, and she looks dizzy. He didn't get up and put his head on the counter with his arm, because mm's chest (crab) is bigger. Uncle looked at it and suddenly found that he could see mm's chest (crab) ditch. Buy a mobile phone when you have seen enough. ...

Without saying anything, Uncle bought a mobile phone and ran away. ...

5 1. According to a friend, a relative of one of his colleagues came to Xiamen, and the relative gave him a Xiamen E cartoon and got on the bus. This man showed it to the driver, looking for a place. The driver stopped him and said, "Look at the card", so he picked up the e-cartoon and read it aloud. The driver said, "Here.

52. Go to the supermarket?

I saw a cashier carefully counting a pile of coins.

A child ran over and sang: A flock of ducks passed by the bridge in front of the door. Count it, 24678. . . .

Then the cashier was very depressed and poured the half-counted coins back and counted them again. ...

53. Dating my girlfriend, I saw someone in front who looked like my girlfriend, so I went up and patted her ass.

She slapped me as soon as she turned her head.

Then someone patted me on the shoulder. ...

My girlfriend slapped me as soon as I turned my head.

54. The Dragon Boat Festival is coming. The company distributed a box of milk and a bag of good Thai fragrant rice. A female colleague in the company asked me to help him move home after work. Downstairs, his colleague told me, "No one answered the phone. Please wait for me downstairs. I'll go up and have a look. If my husband were here, I would ask him to come down and move it. If he is not here, I have to ask you to help me carry it up. " We are all friends, and I nodded without saying anything.

After a while, the female colleague stood on her balcony and shouted, "Come up!" " "

I didn't hear or respond at first. I heard my female colleague shout, "Hello! My husband is not at home, hurry up! "

When this statement came out, it shocked the neighbors. They all just came home from work, and there are people at home. Everyone ran to the balcony to watch. I'm not in public, I'm not in the next place, and I'm not leaving, nnd. There are still many people in that neighborhood who know me. I want to remind her not to shout, "What are you talking about?" . Who knows that the female colleague not only didn't respond, but also thought I didn't hear you clearly. She put her hand over her mouth and made a trumpet. Word by word, she shouted louder, "Did you hear that? My husband is not at home, please wait quickly! "

55. In primary school, one of my male classmates picked up a piece of paper while walking and opened it. That's a piece of paper with a curse on it. It says that if you don't copy the contents of this paper to others 50 times tomorrow, you will die ugly, and so on. Scared by my classmates, I quickly copied 50 copies overnight when I got home. The next day, I sent it to others. At first, I sent several copies, but later everyone knew what it was, and said nothing about the paper he handed me. So the morning passed, and he still accumulated dozens of copies in his hand.

In the first music class in the afternoon, the teacher happened to call his name and let him sing. Only the little boy stood up with tearful eyes and said simply, "People are dying ... how can they be in the mood to sing?" .

The students traveled and climbed to the top of the mountain. A girl stood on the top of the mountain very excitedly and shouted: motherland, my mother! Then a boy who secretly loves this girl shouted excitedly: motherland, my mother-in-law!