Classic joke: You came at the right time. I just forgot my paper.

1, the food cooked by my wife is terrible, but I like it very much. One day I couldn't stand it anymore and asked, "Why do you like cooking so much?" The wife said, "People say that if you want someone, you have to get that person's stomach." I said, "Then why do you cook so badly?" Hearing this, my wife angrily struck the table: "I'd rather destroy what I can't get!" " "

Men and women go out for an outing by bike. After they climbed a big slope with difficulty, her boyfriend panted, "This, this slope is really steep, it's really difficult to climb, and I'm exhausted!" " My girlfriend echoed, "Yes, if I hadn't stepped on the brakes tightly, we would have slipped down." "

3. Husband: "I can't sleep." Wife: "I can't sleep either." Husband: "One sheep, two sheep, three sheep …" Wife: "One mink coat, two mink coats, three mink coats …"

The master came to install the air conditioner today. I repeatedly reminded him to be careful and safety first. He said, "You were quite cautious when you were young. Don't worry, if something goes wrong, you will never get into trouble! " As soon as I finished speaking, I slipped down from the balcony and sat on the cactus I had raised for five years. At that moment, all the voice-activated lights on the fifteenth floor were on.

5. On the day of getting the marriage certificate, it was the photo session. The couple in front took photos first, first for the man and then for the woman. It was our turn, so I said to my wife, you go first. The wife said, you go first! The photographer said silently, you two should take a photo together. The couple in front are divorced. ...

6. I put a stuffy fart in the elevator. I shouted "something is burnt", so an elevator man sucked my fart clean.

7. Why aren't you married? B: Nobody wants it! Are you asking too much? No, I never care about people's looks and ages! So what do you think of me? Sure, can you answer me a question first? Just one question? All right! B: Have a car, a house, a deposit, a city hukou, a diploma, a company and overseas relatives ...? A: Don't ask, I don't want it either!

8. At the Haagen-Dazs ice cream shop, the waiter brought a glass of lemonade and asked, "What would you like to eat, sir?" I took a sip of water, opened the menu, looked up and asked her, "Is there a Daoxiao Noodles?" She looked surprised at first, and then said rudely, "This is not a noodle restaurant in Shanxi!" " "I smiled and said," sorry, I went to the wrong store. "After that, I came out and didn't feel as thirsty as before.

9. I have a playboy, a male colleague and a child. My figure is still super good. When I took off my coat at work today, I looked at his drooling back and suddenly made a mistake. I asked a stupid question, "XX, you have given birth to a baby, how can you still be in such good shape and how can you recover?" Then my colleague said with a black line on his face, "The baby was born to my wife. . "Decisively avoid, just listen to laughter from behind.

10. In court, husband and wife fought for the custody of their children and attacked each other: "You are playing with money except drinking. Can children learn well from you? " "You don't just dance or rub hemp ..." The judge tried to get the child's opinion, and the child naively said, "Let them cut the hammer, and whoever wins will stay with me!"

1 1. I knew a female classmate in college who asked me to fetch water every day. Later, I found out that he had a male friend. I asked her why you have a male friend and asked me to fetch water for you. She said it was to give her male friend a rest! I dragged her to the dormitory without saying anything after listening to it. Bang … Bang … Bang. Then she cried and asked me why I did this to her. I said I wanted to give your boyfriend a rest. Did I do the right thing?

12, the end of the year, there have been many robberies in the corridor recently, pay attention to safety! Especially for girls, people in society are relatively indifferent now. If you want to meet the bad guys in the corridor in the middle of the night, don't shout "help!" Robbery! " Maybe no one will come out to help you. You shouted, "Fire! Fuoco! The whole building can come out ... remember! Remember!

13, the waiter just told me that the old couple at the next table are old customers. Since the small restaurant just opened many years ago, the couple have often come over and packed one or two dishes to take away every time. It has never stopped for decades. I was very moved to hear that. I didn't expect an old couple to love each other for decades and still can't cook.

14, some people say that they hope that everyone's body will automatically become a book after death, and the content of the book is the life of the deceased. In this way, some people have become masterpieces, some people have become banned books, some people have become recipes, some people have become maps, some people have become photoshop manuals, and some people have become check-in registers of small hotels ... The whole world is a huge library, and we are reading others, being ourselves and waiting to be read. What book do you think you will be?

15, at the dinner party, my friend brought his fiancee, a beautiful girl, thinking of saying something complimentary, and a sentence popped up in his mind: You look like a whole face! As a result, the girl was very modest and kept saying, "I am so ugly, how can I have a facelift!" " ""even if it's over, it's still this ghost! "... my brain began to smoke again. I followed her train of thought and said that the whole thing was like this.

Boyfriend: Martin's wife died. Girlfriend: Oh, how did you die? Boyfriend: Martin went out for a drink, but his wife wouldn't let him. Martin was so angry that he shot her. Girlfriend: God, this is really horrible. Boyfriend: Well, now I'm going out for a drink, too. Do you have anything to say? Girlfriend: Yes, dear, I have a gun now. Do you have anything to say?

17, having dinner with a friend one day, she took her three-year-old child. When the waiter served, I casually asked, "Is it spicy?" I saw a friend quickly pick up a dish and put it in the child's mouth, and then the child cried with a "wow". She told me calmly, "It's very spicy. Stop eating. "

18, one day, a young man went to his girlfriend's house to play, and it rained cats and dogs when he left. His girlfriend advised him to stay for the night, and then she went to prepare the bedding. By the time she was ready to come out, her boyfriend had disappeared. After more than an hour, the young man who was soaked like a drowned rat came back. His girlfriend asked in surprise, "Where have you been?" The young man panted and replied, "I ... I went home to get my pajamas."

19, once on a bus, a beautiful woman got on the bus, took out a bus card and swiped it, only to hear the reader reply: Didi ... senior citizen card ...! The whole car froze and looked at her together. Her face was covered with black lines and she said, "Tianshan Mountain is old. What are you looking at?" An uncle got up and said, "Come, aunt, sit here ..."

20. A buddy is good at playing. He played mahjong until 12 last night. This product won more than 700 yuan! After the fight, I went to ktv to find some princesses to sing with me! The cargo was full of alcohol and said to others, "I will give you 30 thousand if you let me kiss you!" " "The naive little girl closed her eyes, then was kissed by her buddy, and then was stuffed with a mahjong, 30,000 ~ ~

2 1, a gangster broke into Lao Wang's house with a knife. The gangster shouted, "give me all the money, or I'll kill you!" " "Lao Wang said helplessly," I'm sorry, I've been unemployed for half a year, and I have no money for you. "The gangster was furious:" You lazy bastard, I just lost my job for three days and came out to rob on the fourth day! " "

22. In the evening, my husband went to the bar to be chic. My wife is upset at home, it's almost two in the morning, and my husband hasn't come back yet! My wife sent a text message: "Come back and hand in your homework!" "(I won't explain what you mean by handing in your homework. But there was still no response for a long time, and my wife couldn't help calling and found that the phone was turned off! My wife is so angry! At this moment, suddenly a strange number sent a message: I got your homework!

23. I chased a girlfriend in college and confessed several times, but there was no result. Later, the girl texted me to go to the park on weekends, and I was so excited that I couldn't sleep well at night. Invited to the Yellow River Park on weekends. After walking for a while, the girl said, "I've always wanted to say something to you ..." I was so excited that I said, "Go ahead, I'm listening." Then she told me, "I have seen the Yellow River, too. Did you give up this time? " ! ! "

24. When eating in the restaurant at noon, the guests complained to the boss that the height was too noisy, which affected the dining environment. I felt very sorry at that time, so I beat the child. On the way home, I kept thinking, "Whose child is that? . . Play hard! "

I don't know what I ate, but I always fart today. So I bought some stinky tofu on my way to work. But it still can't cover up the stink of fart. As soon as I entered the office, my colleagues next to me asked me where the smell came from. I quickly explained that I met a seller of stinky tofu on the road and thought it was delicious, so I bought some and brought them here. The manager also came over and asked, how did this smell come and go? Bring it here. I'll try it.

26. My husband has just returned from a business trip for a month. The wife happily cooked several dishes for her husband. Wife: These are your favorite dishes, cucumber scrambled eggs, cucumber salad and cucumber fried meat. Husband: Why are all cucumbers? Wife: I won't need them when you come back!

A child fell into the water and a man jumped into the river to save the child. Everyone was moved by this man's spirit and gave a thumbs up. Later, the child's family came, and in order to thank him for saving his life, he was prepared to invite the man to dinner. Man: No, you really scared me just now. This child looks like my son!

28. The salesman went to the bathroom to post an advertisement for treating constipation. There is someone in the bathroom, and the people inside have waited for more than ten minutes without coming out. The salesman thought that this person must be constipated, so he stuffed a bunch of advertisements inside and waited for the people inside to come out. Q: Is that the advertisement you just gave me? Shop assistant: Yes, my medicine will take effect as soon as I finish it. The man said excitedly, you came at the right time. I just forgot my paper.

29. I was smoking when the security guard came over and said that smoking is not allowed here. I had to put out my cigarette, the security guard said, and parking is not allowed here. Please move it. I said impatiently, if you care, don't move. What can you do to me? The security guard kicked my bike in a rage and said, if you don't move, I: if you don't move, you pay. Security guard: I won't pay for what you can do to me. Me: It's up to you. It's not mine anyway.

30. When my husband found out that his wife was having an affair, he said angrily: Have you forgotten our original vows of eternal love? The wife cried and explained to her husband: I love you, but it hurts me to watch you make money for this family day and night! I broke up with him. The husband was moved to hold his wife and said, then look for a rich man!