Ask a few jokes. . . Not cold, but hot.

The funniest new joke. If you don't laugh, I'll laugh to death.

1. The deskmate changed the QQ name to "Before your father died" and added our class teacher. So the class teacher's QQ often prompts: Your father asked to add you as a friend before he died. Your father invited you to play in the parking space before he died. Your father gave you a QQ show before he died. Your father stole your food before he died. Your father reported you before he died. Your father forwarded your Weibo before he died. . . The fiercest: Your father left you a message before he died.

2. When someone was eating, he couldn't see a piece of beef in the beef Lamian Noodles, so he pointed to the bowl and asked the boss: Why is there no beef in the beef Lamian Noodles? The boss said flatly, don't take it too seriously. You still expect a wife who eats old woman's cake?

One day the hen flew on the roof, and the owner said angrily, "If you don't come down, I will kill all the cocks here, making your life worse than death." The hen smiled and said, "Finally, we can find the duck." . . . "

The cigarette falls in love with the finger, but the finger wants to give the cigarette to the lips. The cigarette kissed the lips, but gave the heart to the lungs. Lung thinks he has the sincerity of cigarettes but doesn't know how to hurt himself! Is it the betrayal of fingers that makes the smoke sad, or the greed of lips that makes the lungs sad? . .

One day I had a physical examination, and there was a question about guessing the name of a bird by looking at its legs. A student really couldn't understand it, so he tore up the paper in a rage and was ready to leave the examination room. The invigilator was very angry and asked him, "What class are you in? What's your name? " A student lifted his trouser legs and said, "Guess. . . "

6. On the bus, I heard a boy about 8-9 years old say to the little girl next to him, "Who says you can't predict the future? At least I can know my child's surname in the future, but you are different. I don't know what your child's surname is! " Without thinking, the little girl replied loudly, "Hum, that's right! However, my child must be my child, not your child! ~"。 The whole car was killed collectively. ...

7. I hope my teacher will give me as many points as I want, and I will live for as many years. . . If you are not nice to me, I will come to your house in the middle of the night to sing "uneasy".

Only the rich can call it a house. Do you call it a house? You call it my humble abode; Only the rich can call it melancholy. Do you call it melancholy? You call it depression; Only the rich can call it energy saving. Do you think this is energy saving? You call it stingy; Only the rich can call it fullness. Do you call it plump? You call it a clown; Only the rich can call it a trip. Do you call it a trip? You call it wandering; Only rich people can be called single. Do you think that's single? You call it a bachelor. . .

9. A farmer plans to kill chickens the next day. When feeding the chicken at night, he said, eat quickly, this is your last meal! The next day, I saw the chicken lying down, leaving a suicide note: I have taken rat poison, you don't want to eat me. I'm not fucking easy to mess with ~

10. A couple went to double suicide together, but their money was only enough to buy a bottle of pesticide, and the amount of this bottle of pesticide was only enough for one person to die, but in the end both of them died. Why? Answer: They bought this bottle of pesticide, opened the bottle cap, and the bottle cap said: Another bottle.

11.In 2005, someone bought his mistress a house to live in. He gave her 5000 yuan every month, and the house cost about 400 thousand. This year, I separated from Xiaosan, sold my house, and got 1.2 million. I spent more than six years as a mistress for nothing, and finally earned 400 thousand. Thanks to the party! Thank the government! Thanks for the high housing price! It turns out that keeping mistresses is also an investment. Later, when his wife found out, she criticized him wildly: Why do you only have one?

12. The president of Peking University told the boys about students' love: "Peking University is a place to train elites. Statistics show that successful people are older than their spouses on average 12 years old, and elites are older than their spouses 17 years old. If they win the Nobel Prize, they may be 54 years older than their spouses. Your future wife is still in primary school or kindergarten, or she hasn't been born yet. Now they spend time and money to raise them. The male students unanimously replied: "We are trying to please the future mother-in-law! "

13. Although the oil price has gone up again, the house price is still firm. Although nuclear radiation hangs over the sky and earthquakes continue, Shuanghui contains lean meat and poisonous rice from time to time. Although the demand for degrees is in short supply, beds are hard to find, and children often have accidents on campus. Although the mistress is rampant and the boss does not raise wages, we must all live strong because the cemetery has also risen.

14. The boss said to his wife: Eat! Sleep! Say to your lover: have a meal and sleep. Say to mistress: eat and sleep. Say to the beauty: eat, sleep and sleep. Say to Xiaomi: Eat and sleep. Say to the staff: what to eat! Sleep what! All overtime!

15. Police: Have you been drinking? Ren Lei: No! Policeman: Why does it smell of alcohol? Ren Lei: I had a beer. Policeman: Beer is also wine! Ren Lei: Excuse me, is a snail a cow? Policeman: No. Ren Lei: Is soy sauce oil? Policeman: No. Ren Lei: Is that girl a mother? Ren Lei: Is beer wine? Policeman: No. Ren Lei: It's over!

16. You can buy a Porsche key from the Internet, then go out to pick up girls and put it on the table. I don't know how awesome it is ... Q: What should girls do if they want to take the bus after they get it? Answer: Just say you can't drive when drinking, and take a taxi back.

17. When the Chinese teacher turned around, there was nothing but the Yellow Crane Tower. The math teacher looked back and saw the symmetry axis of quadratic function. When the English teacher turned around, I was sorry to add three grams of oil. ? As soon as the chemistry teacher turned around, carbon dioxide turned into gasoline. As soon as the physics teacher turned around, he levered up the earth. As soon as the biology teacher turned around, the IVF swam in the water. As soon as the PE teacher turned around, Jordan switched to playing table tennis. When all the teachers turn around, the people of the world will not be free!

18. Just after driving, a man suddenly appeared in the middle of the road. Although I stepped on the brake in time, I hit the man. I think it's a big deal. I got off the bus and apologized quickly, ready to take her to the hospital. I just opened the car door, and before I got off, she ran away, faster than me. I quickly shouted: "My father's name is not Li Gang!" She ran and shouted, "I'm afraid you are Yao Jiaxin!" " !

19. Ma Jiajue is dead! Yao Jiaxin, sentenced to death! The promotion of professional titles and wages is a dead end. Historical experience tells us that only overtime is the safest. Yao Jiaxin was sentenced to death in the first instance. After watching the news, the boss said to his employees earnestly, "Look, this is what happens when you want a raise." The employee said, "Then I will change my name to Lin Daiyu (zero treatment)" and the boss said, "Hehe, sensible".

20. The teacher asked the students: Who has lived without shit since ancient times? You take the next sentence. Student A: Who defecates without paper? The teacher was very angry and told the students to stand up. At this time, the teacher saw that it was snowing outside the window. Unfortunately, it didn't rain when it snowed, but it turned into rain when it reached the ground. How troublesome it is to turn into rain. Why didn't it rain at first? The student said: Teachers don't eat shit when they eat, but when they eat it, it becomes shit. How troublesome it is to turn into shit. Why didn't you eat shit in the first place The teacher fainted on the spot!

2 1. The teacher explained to the children that "milk" means "small". For example, a suckling pig is a piglet and a squab is a little pigeon. Xiao Ming, please make a sentence with the word milk. Xiaoming: My family is very poor, and I can only live in a 40-square-meter "breast". Teacher dizzy: this won't work. Change it. Xiao Ming: I jump over a cleavage at home every day when I go to school.

1. Every time I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

I like your personality, but I don't like your gender.

3. The sea is made in heaven, and the bitter sea is man-made. You must learn to swim.

I bought an exquisite watch, but the time is still so boring.

When the night presses the day on the bed again, the sun is born again.

6. People who like flattery eventually ride horses.

7, stay up late, because there is no courage to end this day; Stay in bed because you don't have the courage to start a new day. Share it with a smile and reprint it into space! Good things are shared by everyone.