From the city before the police, those years when I was mixed with society (9)

I became a prison policeman after graduating from college and entering the national civil service in 2005. During my years of mixed society, the only thing that made me feel lucky was that I distinguished mixed society from mixed rivers and lakes, and I distinguished the compulsion of life from the bottom line and dignity of people. I was not only trying to adapt to the present, but also looking forward to poetry and distance.

After work, I didn't give up learning English before I joined the police, because I knew there were many foreign tourists in the Confucius Temple area, and it would be useful to learn English well.

Because I have been studying hard, when an English couple came to the supermarket to shop and wanted to buy blades, I had the opportunity to provide translation services for them, so that I could be treated differently in front of my colleagues in the supermarket. So that whenever foreign tourists came into the store to shop, no matter what country, color and language they were talking about, the customer service would use the walkie-talkie to inform me to go shopping and serve. Although most of the time, I can't hear their voices and they can't understand me, it doesn't affect my interest and motivation in learning.

Before I joined the police, in order to practice my writing, I went to the used computers market on Zhujiang Road, bought a laptop, bought a printer in Suning, and also bought an Introduction to Xinhua Bookstore by a freelance writer. So in the rented house of several square meters in the school yard, there is a place to plant hopes and dreams.

I always buy some newspapers when I have a rest every day. At first, I wrote current affairs reviews, then I wrote Yuhua Stone Supplement and Yangzi Evening News Literary Edition, and then I contributed readers and youth abstracts. Although at first, there was no reply to the manuscript, not even a reply email. But I don't think it matters. At least I think the editor must have read my article. Otherwise, how could he know it was useless?

When my first emotional memory "Visitors from Tianshan Mountains" was published in Youth Digest, I told myself that some things would never be possible if I didn't work hard and persisted in this effort.

Before I joined the police, I tried to force myself to read more books, just like the sentence that was often printed on the electronic big screen of the office building. "Reading a good book is like talking to a noble person." I think reading a good book is the best panacea for us to have a correct understanding of this society and constantly improve and improve ourselves when we are unable to walk the Wan Li Road. Because every word in those books is a panacea extracted by the author with decades or even hundreds of years of skill, every time we take one, we will increase a lot of internal force.

Looking back on the four years before I graduated from college and became a policeman, except for nine months of training in Shanghai, I actually only had 30 months to really mix with society. Although the time is not long, it seems that many things have happened. Even if it is arranged by the best director in the world, it seems impossible to arrange so many plots and so many stories perfectly on a hero, which happens naturally and without trace. Many contradictions, many irrelevant, many incredible, many prosaic, many helpless, many human things happened, but there was no violation.

When I posted these articles and memories of the past in my circle of friends, many students, in addition to encouraging me, quietly asked me in private letters, especially those who knew that I had left my beloved job due to illness, anxiously asked me how my body is now. I'm so old, I'm still busy remembering, aren't I …

I replied one by one, my body has recovered and everything is fine. At this age, I am busy remembering because I am afraid that I will forget a lot when I have to remember.

In these four years of mixed society, in addition to the people and things I mentioned earlier, there is actually one very important thing that seems to have to be said, and that is the attitude towards money. In recent years, for the sake of money and survival, I have tried to break through my bottom line many times. I have wandered on the edge of law and morality, and even stepped into the gray area again and again.

When I first started working in a supermarket, a month's salary was never enough for a month's expenses. Basically, it is 13 of the salary, 18 or so, and there is no money in my pocket. Pay water, electricity, rent, mobile phone bills, credit cards, etc. Fortunately, at that time, smartphones had not yet appeared. Fortunately, credit loans were not as pervasive as they are now. Otherwise, I may not be able to make ends meet, and I may have been heavily in debt.

Even so, at that time, in order to make ends meet every month, what was often done was to withdraw some money from this card and then return it to another card. I remember one time, the weather was really bad and the land was ineffective. I saw a blood donation car in the street. I even thought about it, but it was really bad, so I went to sell blood. At that time, I heard that selling 400ml of blood on the underground black market could earn at least a few hundred dollars, and I even consciously went to find out where the blood was sold. Fortunately, I didn't take that step in the end.

Sometimes we can't bear to look back on the past, but looking back on these past events is by no means telling ourselves that we should enjoy our present life to make up for the pain we have experienced, nor is it to feel sorry for ourselves in the mirror and lament that life is too short. In fact, from the beginning, I just wanted to write a review of my past, fearing that many fragments would be blurred with the passage of time, and I also wanted my children to see what kind of life path their parents had taken in the future.

When the story of mixed society was written in the third article, some colleagues told me that they took the article home to their children, hoping that they could see the hardships of life and society. But I think, in fact, everyone's living environment greatly affects what kind of state, identity and angle they will jump into this society. Society is also hierarchical. Maybe some people only work and live at their own level all their lives, and maybe some people will wander at different social levels all their lives.

On my WeChat, a comrade-in-arms in Zhenjiang left me a message saying why there were so many wonderful stories in those years when you were mixed with society, while nothing seemed to happen in those years when she was mixed with society. I replied that, in fact, with the passage of time, for us ordinary people, the things left over by the years are not much different, but some people like to chew frequently, which tastes good, some are bitter and some are sweet.

Although many people say that such experience is a rare and precious asset in life, I want to say that such wealth is precious. For me, if there is an afterlife, I don't expect to experience it again. I'm trying to avoid it for my children. Because, many stories that happen to us are far from being acceptable to us, and our happiness is stronger than others.

Because of writing this memory, many friends who have lost contact for a long time have contacted again. Since wechat, I really feel that the world is too small. The distance between friends cannot be measured by length, but by time. Some things can't be expressed in seconds, but in minutes and seconds.

Backstage messages include my former supermarket promotion elder sister, my former emotional girlfriend, my classmates who have lived together for many years, and comrades-in-arms from prisons all over the country. Their messages are almost the same every day, but is there anything else? Anything else? When can you write about me?

I have the impulse to write twenty or thirty articles about mixed society, but I think the stay of life, especially for a certain period of time, should not be too long. If being a policeman is a social experience, it is undoubtedly painful at that time. Even though it seems to be a huge fortune now, even many people regret to tell me that I wish I had such an experience. But only those who live in it and walk along the way know how many times we have experienced grief more painful than dying.

Of course, along the way, pain is not the main theme. I often carve out the light of hope for myself in difficulties, and then work hard towards hope. When I just graduated, I told myself that I didn't want to force myself to work, and one's postgraduate entrance examination was my goal. After losing the postgraduate entrance examination, I told myself that learning is important and survival is the last word, so I turned my attention to the workplace again. When I was frustrated in finding a job, I told myself that I could survive in this city even if I worked. When SARS changed my major choice in life, I told myself to live healthily. More important to this family than anything else. When the work in the supermarket is not smooth, I tell myself that I should learn how to get along with others in difficulties and how to make myself work happily. When I was admitted to the civil service, I learned how to be calm. Maybe you will think that I am always making myself a Q, but I want to say that in the face of life, occasional games are also an open-minded performance.

In the 25 years before joining the police, I recorded a lot of bits and pieces with my heart. In addition to the four years after graduating from college and before joining the police, the story "Youth Without Regret" in college for four years, the memoir "Look, this home" I wrote to my classmates in high school for three years, and "My Childhood" before junior high school, these * * * woven my life picture before joining the police.

Every part of the picture scroll is not dispensable, nor is it a subsidiary supporting role. I think this is also part of the main theme of my life. Without them, I won't always strive for the wonderful life and the value and significance of my work.

Before the police, I looked like a tramp, depressed, homeless, penniless, starving, and a mother with milk. However, in fact, I am not negative, not sinking, not giving up on myself, nor losing my bottom line and principles. Therefore, I don't think I am better after becoming a policeman than before. The difference is that my life has changed greatly with the change of job nature and post before and after I joined the police. Some of this change can be perceived by oneself, but more can't be perceived by the police. This is not something that one person can decide and influence. The whole society operates in this way. Sometimes, I don't like some changes, but more often, I try my best to find value and meaning in them, and cherish the happiness that this identity change brought me before.

August, 2005 10, I started the final preparations before joining the police, and went to prison to start a one-month internship. After one month's internship, I will go to Zhenjiang Police College for a three-month pre-job training.

But just when I started my internship with the vision and dream of being a policeman, my grandfather died.

This is the death of my first immediate family member in 25 years. When I heard the news in prison, I was completely confused. I don't even know how I should face my relatives, grandmother, parents and sister. Because, I don't even have a chance to contribute to my sick grandfather.

I still regret that if I have the financial ability today, if I can resolutely take grandpa to the hospital in the city when he is seriously ill, if I can take on more responsibilities, I think grandpa will live as healthy as grandma, and see his great-grandson and grandson, then our family will have four generations living under one roof in a complete sense, and there will be another kind of happiness.

However, later, I also forgave my parents and myself. Things are impermanent, and none of us can cope with any difficulties and emergencies at a certain moment, because many things are unpredictable. But once we have some ability to deal with our own problems, we must never give in and shirk, otherwise we will really regret it for life. So grandma is ill, and I will take her to the provincial hospital for examination, hospitalization and operation as soon as possible. Although there is an unwritten and tacit convention in rural areas, it is everyone's default convention. That is, once the old man is sick, if it is a minor illness, he will spend money to see it. If he is seriously ill, he should stop spending money.

At first, I didn't understand my parents' actions, and I wasn't so eager to arrange treatment for my sick grandmother. Later, I gradually understood that, after all, they are also native rural people and grew up in such a rural wind. Everyone does what they see and hear. No one will accuse you, laugh at you or even look down on you. After all, for people in their seventies, the risk of surgery is sometimes even greater than the risk of the disease itself. And such high-risk surgery and treatment costs are astronomical for them.

Grandma spent nearly100000 on surgery to treat lung and gallbladder diseases. Every time I put money on the mat, I insist on the operation. After three major operations, grandma cured several old diseases for many years. I sometimes tell my grandmother jokingly that I gave her life after she was 80 years old, and her life will be mine from now on. If I don't say I can go to heaven, she must stay with us in the world. And grandma will smile and say, OK, OK, I'll live as long as you want me to, as long as you don't think I'm in the way.

In a blink of an eye, grandma is 90 years old. Ten years ago, she spent 100,000 yuan on three operations, which brought her a healthy life for ten years. I think it's worth it. If there are old people at home, there will be treasure. Many times, the old man seems to have withdrawn from the stage of life, but without the old man, the family will be scattered, and many brothers and sisters will only have one more layer of blood-related friends. On holidays, there is no reason not to get together. You have your busy, I have my busy. Many brothers and sisters only get together when they go to the grave on Qingming Day.

When I really walked into the police camp, it was like a dream. This is not because at that time I thought the career of prison people's police was sacred and lofty, but because at that time I realized that the life I have been looking for can be realized here. Because, at that moment, I remembered the experience of secretly signing up for the army and preparing to take the senior high school entrance examination when I graduated from junior high school. If it weren't for my lack of age, maybe my life had already changed, and I thought of the military school-Nanjing Institute of Politics, where I entered the college entrance examination in advance. My major is military news and military history. If I hadn't misunderstood the requirements of naked eye vision for military inspection and reexamination, I would have done laser treatment in advance. I should have become a soldier in a new era in a certain war zone by now. I also remembered that in my junior year, the army went to local colleges to recruit college students, but I tore my right hind foot in the process of playing basketball, and I passed by the military camp life again.

When I stood at the gate of the prison this time, when I put on the uniform of the people's police, although I was facing a police camp instead of a military camp, it meant the same thing to me, that is, I became a person with discipline, responsibility and political mission.

It seems that at that moment, an individual like me was connected with this society and this country. It seems that at that moment, I realized that everything I did was not only for my better life, for the happiness of my family, but also for the peace and tranquility of this society and the prosperity of this country.

When I stood at the door of the slowly opening iron gate in the prison, I was actually thinking about what kind of feelings I should use to embrace this long-overdue life in order to go all the way without changing my original intention.