Pupils contribute jokes.

1. A dying man made a will to his wife: "When I die, I hope you can marry our neighbor Mr. Ed." The wife was puzzled, so she explained, "Two years ago, the cow that this bastard sold me couldn't milk at all. Now I want him to feel cheated!"

Dad told the fish that he was often hungry when he was a child. Fish and Fish had tears in their eyes: "Well, Dad, did you come to our house because you didn't have food?"

3. A train passed a mountainous area, and farmers came to watch along the way. A female guest on the bus had a holiday and went out of the window after changing the paper.

Flying head-on in a farmer's face, the farmer took it off and said, "Wow! ! ! The train is fast, and a piece of paper can make my nose bleed.

My three-year-old daughter often says to me, "Dad, don't you understand what you are planting?" I said, "Yes, you reap what you sow." The daughter said happily, "Then I grow jelly. I want a lot of jelly."

The two fathers and sons are violent and never let people down. One day, the father ordered his son to buy meat to entertain guests. When I came back, I met a man who refused to give way at the city gate. After standing for a long time, my father ran over: "Good son, you take the meat first, and I will stand next to you!" "

A joke may be just a phrase, a short story or a series of words, which makes the speaker and communicator feel funny or humorous. The difference between action jokes and oral jokes is that action jokes affect people's vision and make people feel funny.

6. One day, there were many people on a bus. When the conductor was buying a ticket, suddenly a person farted, and everyone on the bus felt uncomfortable breathing and scolded the uncivilized man.

At this moment, the conductor shouted, "Who didn't buy a ticket?"

A passenger replied, "The man who farted just now didn't buy a ticket!" " "

Then a man stood up and shouted, "Who said I didn't buy a ticket!" " "

7. Mom told Xiao Shuang to get up: "Get up quickly! The rooster has crowed several times! "

Xiao Shuang said, "What does a cock crow have to do with me? I am not a hen! "

Bush inspects nursing home

One day, Bush decided to go to a local nursing home in Washington.

The president went in from the lobby of the nursing home, and a little old man came face to face, who didn't seem to notice him.

Unhappy, Bush turned to catch up with the little old man and asked, "Do you know me?"

The little old man looked at Bush and said, "I don't know you. You can go to the nursing station and they will tell you who it is. "

1- Teacher: Xiao Xin, please use "dilemma" to make a sentence. Xiao Xin: I was in a dilemma during the exam. Teacher: Are you in a dilemma because you can't answer the question? Xiao Xin: No, left and right students have different answers, which puts me in a dilemma.

2- A college student was caught by the enemy. The enemy tied him to a telephone pole and asked him, where are you from? I'll electrocute you if you don't tell me! The college student replied to the enemy's words and was electrocuted. He said, I'm from TV University!

3- Sister: "Little sister, what are you doing?"

Sister: "I am writing to my good friend Dawa."

Sister: "Can you write before school?"

Sister: "It doesn't matter, because Dawa can't read."

4- A hunter went hunting in the jungle with his wife and mother-in-law, walked all day, and camped in the depths of the jungle that night. The next morning, my wife woke up and found her mother gone. She quickly woke the hunter and went out to find someone together. As a result, in the open space not far from the camp, they saw a shocking scene: the mother-in-law and a fierce lion were deadlocked face to face. "What shall we do?" The wife asked in panic. "No need!" Mr. Wang replied: "This lion has provoked the wrong person himself, let it find a way to solve it!" " "

5- Reporter Interview with Panda: What are your wishes in this life? Panda said: Two ideals. First, I have time to see Chinese medicine to cure my dark circles. Second, I just want to take a color photo.

6- When a swimming pool is built in one place, the staff will mobilize everyone to donate. The staff said to an old farmer, what are you going to donate to this swimming pool? The old farmer said, "I donate two buckets of water!" " "

7- Kitten: My mother is a master and my father is a doctor. Xiao Xin: What's the big deal! Kitten: Who are your parents? Xiao Xin: My father is a man and my mother is a woman.

A gecko got lost in front of the securities company. At this time, a big crocodile just crawled over and prepared to eat it in one bite. In desperation, the little gecko hugged the crocodile's leg and shouted, "Mom!" " The crocodile was shocked and then burst into tears: "Son, you just lost half a month in stock trading!" "

9- something seems to be wrong. I lost three wives in three months. "

"What's the matter?"

"The first lady died after eating poisonous straw mushroom."

"What about the second wife?"

"I also ate poisonous straw mushrooms and died."

"What about the three?"

"She refused to eat the poisonous straw mushroom and died because of a broken skull."

10-at least you.

One day a pig said to another pig, "If all the pigs in the world are dead, then play a song." The pig said angrily, "At least there is you!" " "

1 1 rabbit

The little white rabbit skipped to the bakery and asked, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

Boss: "Oh, sorry, not that much."

"well. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay.

The next day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns?"

Boss: "Sorry, there is still no"

"well. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay again.

On the third day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns?"

The boss said happily, "Yes, yes, we have a hundred buns today! ! "

The little white rabbit took out the money: "Great, I'll buy two!" " "

12. The judge asked the defendant: Are you sure you are not lying?

Defendant: What do you mean?

What the judge can't understand is: You told me that you only had one brother, why did your sister say that she had two brothers?

13. A gentleman said to the mechanic: Help me check the tires.

The mechanic checked for a long time and said, you have four tires.

14. The airport tower asked a plane about to land: Please answer and tell us your altitude and position.

The pilot of the second pilot replied: My height is 5 feet 10 inch, and my position is in the right driver's seat.

Patient: I have a splitting headache.

The doctor didn't know what he was thinking at that time, and said something that he didn't even understand: try sticking it with glue.

16. Customer: "Buy a catty of meatballs."

Shop assistant: "Please pay eight Liang food stamps."

Customer: Why do you have to pay food stamps to buy meatballs?

Salesman: "There are eight or two buns left in a catty of meatballs."

17. A young man didn't want to join the army and pretended to have bad eyes during the physical examination.

Doctor: Where does this road lead?

Young man: what e?

Doctor: This one on the chart!

Young man: That chart?

Doctor: This one on the wall.

Young man: Which wall?

The doctor thinks that the young man's eyesight is very poor.

In the evening, the young man is watching a movie in the cinema. In the dark, he saw the doctor who examined his eyesight today come in. he

Sitting next to this young man. So the young man quickly said, madam, there are so many people in this car.

Ah!

18. Supreme directive

A friend went to Shaoshan to visit Chairman Mao Memorial Hall and asked about the fare. The concierge replied:

"Five dollars!"

"So expensive! ! "

"Look at the statue of the chairman."

I saw the chairman's left hand behind his back, his right hand with five fingers apart, waving (chairman's unique movements, such as waving a hat)

The child is rocking back and forth.

"Cheap ..."

……

"You are struggling enough. Well, let's go to the back."

? "Come back"?

The porter walked up and down behind the statue of the chairman.

"See for yourself, shall we?"

"yes."

The thumb of the chairman's left hand is bent.

19. Sea burial

In the promotion of funeral customs, a TV station interviewed the wife of the deceased on the spot: "Are you going to adopt sea burial?"

The woman shook her head again and again and said, "No, he can't swim."

More than 20 thieves

A young man from other places went to a city in northeast China on business; Ask a local how many hotels there are to stay in.

Northeasters replied: there are many thieves, and there are many thieves! Scare the young man back again and again and get out of here.

2 1. Buy a tape

A man went to a video bookstore to buy tapes. The salesman asked him if he wanted light music. He said, it doesn't matter. I came by bus.

Yes

22. Police and criminals

A policeman escorted a prisoner to prison, and suddenly his hat was blown off by the wind.

"Can I help you with your hat?" Please ask the prisoner.

"Do you think I'm that stupid?" The policeman said, "You stand here and I'll get it." ...

23. Concise and appropriate

Coach: There are two things that will stop you from becoming a good football player.

Player: What is it?

Coach: Your left foot and right foot.

curse

A beautiful woman married an ugly man. When a woman is pregnant, she watches her husband complain.

Say: If my child looks like you, you really should be cursed.

Her husband replied that if my children are not like me, you should be cursed.

25. madam

Father: You are so old, it's time to find a wife.

Son: Yes, but there are too many people. Whose wife am I looking for?

26. Watch orangutans

Xiaohua's father is Xiaoming, the twin brother of the city zoo. On this day, I took two babies to drive orangutans. Xiaoming and Xiaohua wanted to see them.

Carefully ask dad to take them to feed the orangutans.

Xiaoming: Wow, so many orangutans.

Xiaohua: That's the biggest and that's the smallest.

Xiao Ming: It seems that there is no gorilla with long white hair.

Xiaohua: That one is grinning at us!

Orangutan A: Come and see, everyone. I brought two new foods.

Orangutan B: It's white.

27. Mineral water

One day, when old friends got together, I couldn't help talking about all kinds of drinks on the market. A jun said that our company is going to make a plan.

Taste mineral water, please join us. When this language came out, there was an uproar.

Note: A Jun works in a waterworks.

28. Birthday wishes

One day, Chen Weng celebrated his birthday.

Xiao Wang also brought gifts to celebrate his birthday …

Everyone who arrived at the factory said a few auspicious words of congratulations to the birthday boy.

Xiao Wang is no exception.

When he said: I wish you a long life. ...

Then he was kicked out. ...

You know why?

Because Chen Weng was just ninety-nine years old that year. ...

29. Drivers and violations

It is said that drivers in Xi, Beijing and Shanghai will have different reactions after being caught by traffic police in violation of regulations:

Drivers in Xi 'an usually have to fight for a red face.

The Shanghai driver admitted that he was unlucky.

Drivers in Beijing generally beg for mercy: "Uncle, aunt, aunt, just be a fart and let me go."

30. Equal treatment

A man is complaining about his marriage: how nice it was when he first got married. Every day when he comes back from work, his wife and puppy come to see him.

I opened my mouth to greet me, my wife brought me slippers, and the dog barked at me. Now, the dog brings me slippers and my wife barks at me.

3 1 .. Two little swallows are flying low in the air.

A swallow says it's going to rain. One is very skeptical: how do you know it will rain?

Haven't you heard that it's going to rain when the swallows fly low? The first swallow replied.

32. Poems that mock myopia:

Gigi Lai looked into your strange eyes with a smile and asked who he was.

The sun shines through the window lattice to get marbles, and the moon moves to get sticks.

Looking at the painted wall, my nose was blue, and I pinched my eyebrows for locking the book box.

There are laughing things, blowing lights and burning lips.

33. An orangutan looked at the palm of another orangutan's hand and said sadly, Your fate is tragic, and you will evolve into a human being.

34. Miss Zhang was hospitalized due to illness, and colleagues came to express their condolences!

Teacher Zhang: I'm really sorry. I have to bother to share my work with my colleagues these days!

Colleague a: actually, it's ok!

Mr. Wang makes tea!

Mr. Fang reads the newspaper!

Miss Lin is flirting with manager Li!

35. like it!

A gentleman said to Miss Wang: A beautiful woman doesn't need makeup …

Teacher Wang said shyly, thank you.

Unexpectedly, the genius added, I think you should put on some makeup!

Miss Wang: ...

36. Drink

Gentlemen can't drink, good wine. Go out one day and get drunk at night. Q: "Is the sun in the sky? Or the moon? "

Answer: "This is not my home, how should I know?" Everyone laughed.

37. Hospitals occasionally

The Admissions Office of the Third Hospital of Beijing Medical University has a revelation:

"The patient can't go through the hospitalization formalities until he goes to the hospital."

A nosy person can add a few strokes:

"If the patient fails, he can't go through the hospitalization procedure."

It's interesting.

38. A kindergarten aunt, husband and wife love each other. One day, the husband came to visit his wife, and all the children knew how to please their aunts, and they all scrambled to get them.

Shout in front of him: "Auntie, Auntie, your father is coming to pick you up." The aunts spray rice.

39. Game poisoning case (1): rpg syndrome

Do you have the following symptoms?

If there are more than half of the symptoms, it means that the poisoning is serious, so you should pay more attention in the future.

If you persist in not changing, you will not rule out the possibility of sudden tinnitus, blue face, forgetfulness and other complications in a few years.

Symptoms 1: idleness.

It is manifested by pretending to be idle and walking around the map even if there is a clear task.

Symptom 2: thief addiction

Whether it is a table, a bed, a wall, etc. We should investigate. In severe cases, we will make such meaningless adjustments everywhere in our lives.

Check.

Symptom 3: gambling addiction

Gamble tirelessly in the casino in the game, save the progress if you win, and read the progress if you lose.

Symptom 4: Collection addiction

You must have something you like in your name, such as paladin armor or village demon knife. This is for the charm of the treasure.

And poisoned.

Symptom 5: Refining addiction

As long as you are your own companion, you must refine to level 99 anyway and show off. And never exercise in life.

40. helpless

Why is there always endless housework? The wife complained to her husband. I can't help it You won't let me marry another person.

The husband replied.

4 1. I really can't see it.

Woman A met her old friend, woman B, looked at her carefully for a long time and said, "What happened to your hair? Just like wearing a wig. "

Embarrassed B looked around and whispered to A, "To tell the truth, I did wear a wig."

"Really?" A said, "I can't see it at all."

42. vending machines! !

On the bus in the morning, two middle-aged office workers were chatting.

Yesterday, a new vending machine was displayed in the supermarket near my home.

Have you seen it?

A: Hmm! ! Put ten ten-dollar coins in and a new wife will come out! !

B: Wow! ! Great! !

A: However, there is a better machine.

B: Oh! ! What kind of machine is it?

A: Just put your wife in and ten ten-dollar coins will run out of the machine! !

43. There was a Shanghainese who was different from other Shanghainese. He was broad-minded and weighed 200 Jin, so he was nicknamed Arafat.

Arafat.

44. (Absolutely true story)

In order to complete the task of unpaid blood donation, a state organ asked migrant workers to take over. In view of the national regulations and the sensitivity of blood bank doctors

Sharp eyes, specially packaged for migrant workers to prevent being seen through. The envoy is waiting for you to take a bath, change clothes, brush your teeth and repair it.

Nails, no talking, no fighting. After careful consideration, the organizer feels good about himself.

To the maximum extent. However, when it comes to blood donation, the organizers are dumbfounding. After donating blood, everyone in the office went home to talk about it.

I keep spraying rice. What is this? After taking a shower, changing clothes, brushing your teeth and manicure, you guys didn't line up to donate blood.

People talk and fight, but they all squat quietly in long chairs and are very patient.

45. Suddenly

Three people were lying together. One felt itchy in the leg and slept very erratically, but he tried his best to scratch the second leg, and the itching increased instead of decreasing.

What's more, with the bleeding, the second person touches a wet place, and it is considered that the third person is drowning, which promotes the third person to drown, but next door.

It's a restaurant, and the sound of pressing wine is ticking. I thought I was going to drown, but I stood until dawn.

46. mow the grass

Once upon a time, two people lived on both sides of the river. They have bad ears, but they are polite. One morning,

People in Hexi saw people in Hedong go out with sickles and shouted at each other: Hey! I said, are you going to mow the grass? river

When Dongfang saw Xihe shouting at him, knowing that he was concerned about what he was going to do, he shouted, Oh, no, I'm going to cut it.

Grass! Seeing the people on the other side of the river shouting at him, he knew that the other side had answered himself and said politely, Oh, yes.

Really, I thought you were mowing the grass!

47. When a person is with guests, he occasionally farts and wants to hide. He even pointed to the grinding chair and said, "It's the first time."

48. Smart son

One day, the father asked his eight-year-old son to send a letter. The son has run away with the letter, and the father remembers that there is nothing on the envelope.

Write down the address and the name of the recipient. When his son came back, his father asked him, "Did you put the letter in the mailbox?" "Of course"

"Didn't you see that there was no address and recipient's name on the envelope?" "Of course I didn't see what was written on the envelope."

"Then why don't you get it back?" "I thought you didn't write the address and the recipient because you didn't want me to know.

Who are you going to send the letter to? "

49. Answers from fans

Wife: You care more about the game than about me and the children.

Dave: Who said that?

Wife: Don't you admit it? Let me ask you, when was our little treasure born?

Husband: On the day of the match between Liaoning team and Bayi team!

50. Tell the truth

On a whim, the father tested his son: "Baby, do you know anything that can tell the truth?"

"Dad," the son answered quickly, "the weather forecast!"

5 1. Review

One day at work, Xiao Wang and Xiao Li were playing chess and killing each other, and the director found them. The factory director was very angry and demanded

They admit their mistakes and review them in front of all the workers in the factory. After Xiao Wang's profound review, Xiao Li came to power, and I really felt guilty.

I made a serious mistake that can't be ignored ... The factory director was quite satisfied. ... I shouldn't have arched my pawn

Tiananmen

An old farmer has been longing for Tiananmen Square in Beijing for a long time, but he has only seen it on posters. N years later, I finally met my fate and was disappointed:

Why don't you shine?

World secret

There is a person who often has the same dream, in which he always finds himself discovering a great world secret, but

I don't remember anything when I wake up.

Finally, one day, he made up his mind to dig out the secret of this world, so he put a pen and paper beside his pillow.

Go to sleep again.

When he dreamed again, when he seemed to wake up, he wrote down the secret of this world.

When he woke up, he saw on the paper: the banana is very big, and the banana skin is also very big!

(full name)

A Shanghainese called a young lady of a company in Beijing: May I have your name?

My last name is Tu.

Because of the accent, Shanghainese can't hear clearly. Ask, what?

Is to slaughter the body.

I still can't hear you clearly

Butcher, butcher, butcher, butcher, butcher, butcher, butcher.

Oh, I see.

What's your name, sir? Asked the young lady.

Excuse me, my name is Yan, Yan of the terrifying.

A vase

A young man fell in love with a girl, and finally the girl became his fiancee.

Today is the girl's birthday, and the young man wants to give a gift. He came to the shop and saw diamonds and jewels ... but they were too expensive.

Yes Suddenly, the young man saw a vase. This vase is so beautiful that young people want to give it to Wei.

Married wives can't adapt either.

But it's still so expensive ...

The young man looked at it for a long time, and finally the manager noticed him. The manager sympathized with his situation. He pointed to the wall.

Pile up the broken vase fragments and say, well, I'll have them sent to you, and then let this person in and pretend to fall.

Isn't that what you did?

On the girl's birthday, young people are very nervous. Sure enough, a guy sent a box and dropped it when he came in.

Get on the ground. All the guests looked at the box and opened it. That's broken vase fragments, but each piece is separate.

Open the package. line

dialect

One day I went to Foshan, Guangdong on business, and I got lost. Seeing an old lady enjoying the cool by the roadside, she went forward to ask for directions. Who knows what I'm doing?

Yes, it's been a long time, but I don't know what to say. A middle-aged man came by the roadside and said with a smile, she said she couldn't understand your dialect.

It hasn't flowed yet

A mountain village is finally electrified! Every household has installed electric lights. Zhang San turned on the switch excitedly and pressed it again.

It was on, but the light didn't work. He was surprised. His wife quickly explained, don't worry, the electricity hasn't flowed to our house yet!

This is nonsense without ghosts.

Seeing the complicated world, there are dark people everywhere, crawling like bugs, and then think about the height of the crowd.

"karma" in the next level of the second division and human reincarnation, can not help but suddenly realize that the original person is changed from a bug!

Basic principles:

One: Because people have past lives, afterlives and karma, those with high levels are the second largest in evolution, while those who

The lower layer is the worm that has not yet evolved in place.

Two: Why are there more and more people on the earth, but fewer and fewer real bugs? That's because in evolution.

In this process, some bugs become people.

Three: the worm gradually becomes a person. According to the law of conservation of energy and the principle of extremes meet, people have evolved in it.

Fast people (standard: people who can catch up with the internet and multimedia) have become

Bug, called "net bug"!

haircut

A man went to the barber shop to get a haircut.

The man said to the barber, "please cut the hair on the left short and let the hair on the right hang down to your ears."

Then I shaved my forehead into a bald head like a five-dollar coin and left a strand of long hair for me to pull all the time.

To the chin. 』

"I'm sorry, sir," said the barber. "I may not be able to do this. 』

"Can't do that? The customer angrily said, "It was you who cut me like this last time. 』

Fucheng stood in front of the teacher with tears in her eyes and said, I don't think everything you do is right either, but I think it is.

Have you talked to your parents about this?

Doctor, please check it for me. I feel that everyone has ignored my existence. Ling Jie said negatively.

Au Suivant! The doctor said at once!

A little lion fairy flew over the grassland to catch tourists. Don't move. Mother lion scolded: I don't often sue.

Sue you? Don't joke about food!

The advertisement of the funeral home: "This funeral service is supreme, and oral medicine carries the road;" Former customers can attest. 」

My brother works in a gas company. If the old gas meter is broken, the company will notify the workers in writing to replace it with a new one. Notification form

There is a comment bar on the grid. If the worker can't finish the task, he must explain the reason in the column.

The most common reason is: "dogs should not change their watches."

Csi: After playing poker all night, he was dizzy and dropped a chip in the donation tray of the church. He found out and wanted to change it at once.

Zhang Yiyuan Act. "No, you can't fool me," said the priest. "That's a five-dollar chip. 」

Husband is the new deputy director of the company, but he can't let everyone think that he is also the director. Call their department

Always get it from his female boss, Mrs. Li. If he is not in, the operator will take down the message without turning off the electricity.

Give him the message. Later, he couldn't bear it anymore and said to the staff concerned, "Please treat Mrs. Li and me as one person."

Personal. He thought the problem was solved. A few minutes later, the internal phone rang and the operator said, "Jane goes first."

Health, your husband's phone. 」

The young master asked the cook, "You promised not to tell my mother when you came home last night. The chef replied, "I

I didn't break my word when your mother asked me. I just told her that I was busy cooking breakfast and didn't pay attention to when you would come back. 」

Give it to me for the sake of how much I can give you.