Where are the good jokes?

1, the' depreciation rate' of women is amazing. It only takes one night to change from a' new' mother to an' old' woman. 2, the effect of contraception: unsuccessful, it will become a' person'. 3. Look at beautiful women in the street. If you look up, you will appreciate them. If you look down, you will be hooligans. Money treats me like dirt, and I treat money like dirt! It's all dirt. Who's afraid of who? 5. Lie on your back tonight, get up early tomorrow, lie prone tomorrow, stay up late the day after tomorrow ... Exercise, sometimes it's as simple as that. 6. I know I'm not a handsome guy, but someone saw my full moon photo and said my left nostril was idolized. 7. Before eating peanuts, monkeys should put peanuts in their buttocks before taking them out. The administrator explained: Someone once fed it peaches, but the peach core could not be pulled out. The monkey is afraid. You must measure it before eating now. I am in a bad mood today. I only have four words to say. Including this sentence and the first two sentences. That's what I'm saying ... 9. Don't call your child rabbit, because it's not good for parents from a genetic point of view. 10, the real steamed bread is omnipotent. You can eat it when you are hungry. If you want to eat cake, pat the steamed bread flat; If you want to eat noodles, comb the steamed bread with a comb; If you want to eat hamburgers, cut steamed buns and eat them with vegetables ... 1 1. I read the so-called criteria for contemporary women to choose a spouse: having a car and a house, and both parents are dead. Depressed. I wrote down the imaginary criteria for choosing a spouse: family wealth is over 100 million, beauty is the best in the world, virtuous, gentle and sexy, and my father-in-law has terminal cancer ... 12. My father asked me what kind of life I wanted. I answered money and beauty, and my father punched me in the face; I answered career and love, and my father touched my head appreciatively. 13, the beauty is unlucky, and the yellow-faced woman is resigned to her fate. 14, except for one item, all the other columns are well filled in. The column of "relationship" should be filled with "mother-in-law" instead of "nervous" 15, I just found out that the way to attract a man is to make him not get it; The way to attract a woman is just the opposite, that is, to satisfy her. 16, life is really boring. Last month, a buddy of mine borrowed 4000 yuan from me, saying that he was going to have plastic surgery. Now I don't know what he has become. 17, I think I should go to lose weight. Last time I donated blood, I actually shed 100 ml of lard. 18, if marriage is the grave of love, then the annual wedding anniversary celebration is to sweep the grave. 19, a young lady walks at night, and there is a thief in Lu Yu: "Give me the money!" The young lady replied, "No, even if you force me, I won't give it!" " "The robber looked at the young lady carefully and said," You think it is beautiful! "20. If happiness is a cloud and pain is like a star. At that time, my life was really cloudless in Wan Li, full of stars ... 2 1, man, upper body is cultivation, lower body is essence; Women, the upper body is the bait, and the lower body is the trap. 22. I remember one day shortly after graduation, my girlfriend sent me a short message: "Let's break up! "Before I could feel sad, my girlfriend sent another message:" Sorry, I sent it wrong. "This is so sad ... 23. Life, you can't hang yourself on a tree. Try to die several times in several nearby trees. I am in a bad mood today. Last night's short message let me know that the girl I secretly love has fallen, and even told me that she paid 400 yuan at a time ... At that time, I was very sad and rummaged through my wallet: so I was even sadder, and I didn't even have the capital to fall with her once ... 25. Someone asked me, are you handsome? When I said I was not handsome, he hit me and told you to lie. 26. Two drunks were driving at a gallop. A: "Be careful! There is a sharp turn ahead. "B:" What? Don't you drive? "27. Generally speaking, boys are not allowed to go to the girls' building and must leave before 8 pm. Otherwise, at 8 o'clock, Aunt Lou will shout loudly: Girls, Fujian. 28. Foreigners who have learned some Mandarin. Say hello to the secretary in the morning. "How are you?" The young lady stared at him. He paused and immediately said to her, "Hello, Mom!" " "29. A farmer's daughter was so ugly that he had to let her work as a scarecrow in the corn field to scare crows. As a result, not only did she scare away the crows, but even three crows were scared to send some corn back. 30. If marriage is the grave of love, a model couple is at best a' model graveyard'. 3 1, the father said sternly to his daughter's boyfriend, "can't you just take my daughter to the movies every day?" "The young man was surprised and happy." You mean there are other things you can do? "32. The salary is dead. If the salary is worthy of going to work, you have to go to work less. 33. A stuttering invigilator found a student peeking. He shouted angrily, "You, you, you, you, how dare you cheat? Get up! " Five students stood up. 34. A couple went to register for marriage. "Have you ever had a premarital examination? ""Yes, his house and car are gone. " "I mean to go to the hospital." The young woman blushed and whispered, "Yes, it's a boy. "35. Only when there is a long queue can we truly realize that we are descendants of the dragon. 36, living alone, people can only waste; Wives and concubines in groups make people know how to be frugal. But now, I am eager to be frugal in waste all day. 37. You ask me, where is happiness? I tell you, if you stand on tiptoe, you can get closer to happiness. If you close your eyes, you can feel happiness ... 38. If you blink, I will die. If you blink again, I will come back to life. Your eyes keep blinking, so I will die! 39. Xiaoming and Xiaohua went to the zoo to play. When they entered the door, Xiao Ming pointed to Xiaohua and said to the doorman, "Look clearly! Come out later, don't say I stole your monkey! "40. No matter how high a woman stands, she can only wet the ground under her feet; Men are amazing, stand higher and pee farther! 4 1, a man's face is his life resume, and a woman's face is her life income statement. 42. The mother bird burst into tears, and the male bird said angrily, How many times have I told you that this ring was worn by the bird research station, not a wedding ring! I'm not married! 43. During a military parade, the head of an army walked past with his head held high, saying "Hello comrades", "Hello head", "Comrades have worked hard", "Comrades are tanned" and "The head is black". 44. Someone met a friend in the street. When he first asked about his friend's wife, he suddenly remembered that she had passed away, so he changed his tune: "Is she still in the original cemetery?" "45. A man and his wife are often ambiguous, but they don't see it. Colleagues send a pair of couplets. Part I: As long as the days go by, part II: Even if the head is a little green, cross-examine: the ninja turtle. 46. Two birds saw a hunter aiming at them. One said, you protect the scene and I'll call the police! 47. You are very creative, and living is your courage; Ugliness is not your intention, but God has a little temper; Without you, you have to live bravely ... who will set off the beauty of the donkey! 48. Three small animals are chatting in the forest. Pig said: nicknames are popular now, so you can call me pig in the future. Rabbit: ok, I'll call it rabbit. Chicken face is unhappy: I have work to do, so I have to go first. 49. My dream life: I sleep until I wake up naturally and count my money until my hand cramps. My real life: I wake up naturally after counting money, until my hands cramp ... 50. Being single is painful, and being single for a long time is even more painful. I saw a sow the other day, and everyone thought it was beautiful ... 5 1. Some people's love is erotic, some are erotic, some are comedies, and some are literary films; I am the worst. My love process is literary films, comedies, porn, suspense films, action films, and finally KB (horror) films. What is even more exasperating is that there are fucking commercials ... 52. Dad hit me twice today, the first time because he saw my two-point report card, and the second time because the report card was from his childhood. 53. If you need suggestions or opinions, we will provide them free of charge; If you need the correct answer, please pay extra. 54. Men are lewd. A stronger one is called a pervert, a stronger one is called a pervert, and a stronger one is called a pervert. Especially strong, they become perverted perverts and are called human aesthetic artists. 55. There are two kinds of men, one is lewd and the other is very lewd. There are two kinds of women, one is pretending to be pure, and the other is pretending to be impure. 56. I like to leave my life to fate: I will flip a coin when I wake up in the morning and go back to sleep face up; If I have a backache, I will lie in bed and watch TV. If the coin stands up after landing, I will get up and tidy up the house. 57. The unfairness of this world lies in: God said: I want light! -So one day. The beauty said: I want a diamond ring! -So she got a diamond ring. The rich man said: I want a woman! -So he found a woman. I said: I want to take a shower! -Actually, the water was cut off! My wife and I haven't spoken for 18 months, so I didn't have a chance to interrupt her. 59. For a long time, we separated. I looked at your blushing cheeks and asked you softly, do you feel happy? You gently lower your head and answer in a charming voice: You ate garlic today. 60. What is cruelty? If it's a man, I'll break his three legs; If it is a male dog, I will break his five legs! 6 1, you are lying opposite the theater, occupying four positions. When someone calls you up, just, uh-huh, don't move twice. The security guard came up and said, "Brother, it's not easy. Which way? "You bite a tooth and say, I fell down from the upstairs aisle! 62. Blind date is' distribution', love is' direct selling', and throwing hydrangeas to attract relatives is' bidding'. 63. I am forgetful, so my wife often tells me not to take an umbrella when I go out in rainy days, so now I have ten umbrellas at home. 64. I have done many stupid things, but I don't care at all. Friends call it "confidence". 65. I can't talk I stutter when I see a lot of people, like a sheep shitting, which is not to everyone's taste. I hope you can forgive me. 66. Why don't you be rational? My uncle is here. Why did you think of going to the zoo to see bears? 67. For men,' godsister' means-you can attack when you enter, you can defend when you retreat, and both' courtesy' and' personal use' are appropriate. 68. Attention robbers: Our employees only know Spanish. Please be patient when grabbing, and you'd better bring an interpreter. Thank you! 69, buddy, to be honest, we really don't drink and burp when driving ... You think, if you hit a telephone pole, this wine will spill and burp ... What a pity! 70. Wife, I shouldn't shine shoes with sheets, but I just got back from a business trip and I can't change them for a while. I was wrong.