Advanced humorous jokes

Complete works of advanced humorous jokes. Reading them every day can make you happy and add some fun to your life. How much do you know about advanced humorous jokes? Below I have compiled a complete collection of advanced humorous jokes. Welcome to learn from them for reference. I hope I can help you.

A complete collection of advanced humorous jokes 1 1, the bank window was empty in the afternoon. There is a child lying on my counter playing with a pen, raising his head playfully, poking at the glass with his hand, blinking his watery eyes and asking me, "Why are you locked up?" I smiled and said to him, "Because my sister doesn't study hard." He pursed his lips. "You're lying." I said, "Really, I didn't lie to you." He shook his head and retorted seriously, "You are lying. You are obviously an aunt. "

2. My little niece just entered the first grade and got 74 points in a Chinese exam. When she came back with the report card, her parents were very angry and asked why you only got 74 points in the exam. My niece buried herself in thought for a long time and suddenly lifted it up. Her parents thought that she realized her mistake and pricked up her ears in expectation. The niece said firmly, "Because the teacher deducted 26 points from me!" "

3. My mother sent me a message: "Your father is busy fishing." I asked, "How many did you catch?" Mom: "Just three." I praised, "I'll go fishing wherever I catch it." Mom: "I caught it in your fish tank."

I bought a bottle of water in the supermarket. She gave the cashier 20 yuan, looked at it before and after, wiped it with the light, and then told another person that someone had bought something with 20 yuan. When I received her change, I read it all according to her routine. While looking at me, I said that some supermarkets now specialize in finding fake money for others. ...

My cousin has a high-end mobile phone with fingerprint and facial recognition, which works well. Yesterday, she said that her mobile phone was broken and asked me to accompany her to repair it. The mobile phone was tested several times. The little brother who repaired the mobile phone looked at my cousin's round face and tight coat and hesitated to say, "Sister, have you gained weight recently, so face recognition is not working!" Later, my brother erased the original face recognition and re-recorded my cousin's fat face. Needless to say, the real mobile phone will be ready soon! This is really a sad story!

6. My wife had a whim and wanted to surprise her husband. So I put on a wig, a brand-new suit and a different makeup in peacetime. Then he went to Mr. Wang's office and said coquetry, "Hey, handsome boy, do you want to date me?" Her husband looked at her and immediately interrupted her and said, "No! I want nothing. I think of my wife as soon as I see you. "

7. When I first got engaged to my wife, I saw that she was wearing a pair of glasses, and I thought she was very educated and knowledgeable. After marriage, many facts prove that the reason for her myopia is only related to watching TV for a long time!

8, don't look at me fat, when it comes to losing weight, I have a set; Although I am single, when it comes to love, I have a set; Although I am ugly, when it comes to beauty, I am a set; Although I am poor, when it comes to making money, I am a set of things.

9. The office is a magical place. No matter how messy your desk is, you won't even touch your mobile phone, wallet, car keys, real estate license and household registration book for a month. But as long as your pen is out of sight 10 minutes, it will disappear strangely!

10, brother: "Xiaojin plays in the street after school, goes fishing by the river, or plays video games in the Internet cafe. How interesting it is that he can do whatever he wants! " Sister: "Because his parents are divorced, no one cares about him all day." Brother: "Why don't our parents divorce?" If they get divorced, I can be as happy as Xiaojin. Nobody forced me to do my homework. I can do anything. How comfortable I am! God, I dreamed that my parents were getting divorced! "

1 1, go to dinner at noon and say to the chef, please order more, add more meat and noodles! The master looked at me for a long time and said, "Do you want to make up a ticket for a small bowl?"

12 I touched my chin proudly and asked, "Really?"

13, in class, there was a female classmate in front who burped for the whole class. Looking at her painful appearance, we were all giving her advice ... as a result, a sleeping classmate next to her suddenly got up and said, "Why is the whole class barking?"

14, when I was on the road after the college entrance examination, the coach was sitting next to the co-pilot, driving, and a motorcycle passed by illegally, almost scraping our car, (because I was a novice, I didn't dare to say anything) ~ ~ The coach glared at me: What are you looking at? Step on the gas pedal, we all have procedures. I am a bitch, so I rushed to give it to him!

15, accidentally put 50 yuan in. The driver said that I had no right to drive, so I had to accept the pocket money of the people who came behind. When I received 48 yuan, I just entered the station and someone wanted to get on the bus. I immediately reached out and said, "Nobody sells tickets." I said hurry, and the driver and the people in the car said hurry (they know what's wrong with me). The eldest brother in the back directly threw me his wallet and said, "There are many of you." Then he ran away ... ran away ...

16, I once bought clothes in a specialty store, and a girl next to me was also choosing clothes. To be honest, she is really beautiful. At this time, the store came over and said, beauty, try it if you like. My sister suddenly got angry: "Beauty? Who is the beauty? People call me goddess! How is your service attitude? "

17, the first time I went to my wife's house that year, my mother-in-law arranged a table of good dishes and specially took out two bottles of good wine from behind the sofa. Then my father-in-law came home and the first thing he said when he saw me was. "Boy, you want to marry my daughter, right?" "Yes, uncle." "Then show some sincerity." "Uncle, the bride price is easy to discuss." "I'm not selling prostitutes. If you are sincere, dry the two bottles of wine on the table. " I was shocked and my brain was hot. I didn't listen to the discouragement of my future mother-in-law and wife. I opened the bottle and knocked it dry. After drinking, I burped, opened the second bottle and drank it all at once, without changing color or breathing. My future mother-in-law was afraid, and my wife was moved by my heroic behavior. Actually, what I want to say is that I tasted it when I took the first sip. The bottle is full of water. Someone must have secretly drunk the wine hidden at home and poured water. Here, just ...

18, the eldest nephew was admitted to the university, and we all went to congratulate him. At dinner, we found our eldest brother looking unhappy and asked why. Big brother said that he heard that he went to college for one year, went abroad for two years, and denied his parents for three years. What if the child doesn't recognize me then? At this time, the aunt who hasn't spoken all the time said that this is not easy to do. All you have to do is make him a sophomore!

19, I went shopping with my mother and saw a big bear doll handing out leaflets. I liked it so much that I ran over and took a photo. My mother watched me take endless photos and urged me impatiently: "If you like it, marry him. You can take pictures at home every day! " "Before I could say anything, the bear turned and ran away. ...

20. In the residential area, an old van met a car that lost its paint when touched. Both of them stopped, and neither of them dared to go forward. At this time, the van driver rolled down the glass, leaned out and shouted, big brother, just go forward. Don't pay for these two broken cars! As soon as the car drove forward, it really hit. Finally, under the coordination of the traffic police, I lost 200 yuan for the van.

Complete works of advanced humorous jokes 2 1. The cat was forced by life and sat in the cordate telosma hair salon opened by the fox. One day, the mouse came to the hair salon to ask for the night, and the cat vowed to die. The mouse said angrily, I chased Lao Zi to death, and now I am delivering it to my door. What a prude!

The doctor asked the patient how he broke his bone. The patient said, I felt sand in my shoes, so I shook my shoes with a telephone pole. A fucking asshole passed by and thought I was electrocuted, so he picked up a stick and gave me two!

3. In biology class, the teacher asked: How can we correctly distinguish the hands and feet of an octopus? Answer: Give it a fart to smell. Is the hand will cover your nose, and the rest is your feet. The whole class fell down.

4, a person always farts at work, and colleagues can't help but say: Can you keep quiet? Then I saw him sitting there trembling. Colleagues asked him what he was doing, and he replied, I am tuned to vibration now!

5. When someone was riding a bike, I heard a passerby shout: Go, Go, Go … I thought, Damn it, I can sing: Ole Ole…… I plunged into the ditch and didn't fall. Passers-by scolded: Shit! Let me tell you something, Gou Gou, do you still ride horses? ! You deserve to fall to death!

6, carp and tortoise to get a marriage certificate. The clerk asked how old the tortoise was, and the tortoise said: 100. The clerk said regretfully, I'm sorry, according to your family rules, you are underage and are not allowed to get married.

7. A couple came to the wishing pool. The husband bent down, made a wish and threw a coin into the well. My wife also wanted to make a wish, but when she bent down, she accidentally fell into the well. The husband was surprised, then smiled and said to himself, "What a fucking spirit!" "

8. A couple are fishing by the river. The lady always quarreled, and after a while the fish took the bait. The lady said, this fish is really poor. The husband said, yes, just shut up.

9. The science teacher asked, "Why is the body cold after death?" No one answered. The teacher asked again, "Nobody knows?" At this time, someone at the back of the classroom said, "That's because it's calm and naturally cold."

10, spiders love ants deeply, but they are rejected when expressing their love. The spider roared, "Why? Why is this? " The ant said timidly, "My mother said that people who surf the Internet all day are not good people!" " "

1 1. Xiaoguang is a diligent student. He used his part-time job in winter vacation to earn tuition. Help the butcher cut meat during the day and go to the hospital for internship at night. One night, an old woman had to undergo surgery because of an emergency, and Xiaoguang pushed her into the operating room. The old woman screamed in panic: "My God! You kill pigs. Where are you going to push me?

12, the male and female toilets in the school are connected. A girl forgot to bring toilet paper to the toilet. When she was embarrassed, toilet paper came from the men's room next door. The girl turned pale and asked loudly, "Who?" . The boy next door replied with a deep and powerful voice: "Lei Feng."

13. When a person wants to throw up for the first time on the plane, the stewardess takes an empty bag, and then goes to get it when it is almost full, telling him to "stop throwing up". When I came back, I found it everywhere. I asked why, and replied, "I saw it was almost full, and I took another sip, and everyone around me vomited ..."

14, the woman is 8 years old, you have to make up stories to put her to sleep; When she 18, you should make up stories to coax her to sleep with you; At the age of 28, she will make up stories to coax you into sleeping with her; When she is 48, you should make up a story and don't sleep with her.

People = eat+sleep+work+play,

Pig = eat+sleep,

Substitution: people = pigs+work+play,

Namely: people-play = pig+work.

Conclusion: People who can't play = pigs who can work!

Men = eat+sleep+earn money

Pig = eat+sleep

Men = pigs+earning money

Pigs = people-making money

So a man who doesn't make money is equal to a pig.

Women = eat+sleep+spend money.

Pigs = eat+sleep. Substitute into the above formula:

Women = pigs+spending money. Transferred items:

Women-spending money = pigs.

Conclusion: Women are pigs without spending money.

To sum up:

Men earn money to keep women from becoming pigs!

Women spend money to keep men from becoming pigs!

Man+woman = two pigs

15, a woman works the night shift and a man follows her. The woman was afraid and passed by the cemetery with a brainwave. She said to the grave, Dad, I'm back. Open the door. The man was frightened and ran away screaming. The woman was relieved and was about to leave when suddenly a gloomy voice came from the grave: Daughter, you forgot your key again. The woman was frightened and ran away. At this moment, a grave robber emerged from the grave and said, Shit, I delayed my work and scared you to death! As soon as the voice of grave robbery fell, I found an old man carving a tombstone with a chisel. I was curious, so I asked him. The old man said angrily: NND, they carved my name wrong ... The great fear of robbing the tomb screamed and ran away. The old man sneered, "Shit, you dare to steal my business, it's still tender ..." Just then, the chisel accidentally fell to the ground and the old man was about to pick it up. When he bent down, he found a chisel in his hand in the grass. The old man was shocked, and suddenly a voice came: "You want to die! Change my house number! ! "。 Old man, stop fooling me and get down the hill! Then a scavenger climbed out of the grass. "Damn, it takes such a big god to get a piece of iron.

3 1, a fat man and a thin man are driving in the mountains. The car broke down and no one came to repair it until this afternoon. Two hungry people climbed two mountains and finally found a remote town. There is a small restaurant in the town, but they walked into one, came out, walked into another and came out again ... Finally, they were so hungry that the thin man begged: "Director, no invoice, no invoice!" "

Xiao Li of the hospital came to the dean with a sad face. Xiao Li said, "Dean, I want to resign. I can't stand it. "

Dean: "What's the matter, young man? You did a good job in the urine test department. Why did you resign? "

Xiao Li: "As you know, I just changed my job, and my previous professional habits made me unsuitable for a urine test!" " "

Dean: "What did you do?"

Xiao Li: "wine taster"

Dean: "Ouch ~"

3. Talk to my colleagues. The photos taken before were beautiful, but now they are getting uglier and uglier. Colleagues simply said: Now the pixels are getting higher and higher.

Water has been cut off for several days, and everyone can only use bottled water for everything. A female colleague thought bottled water was expensive and useless, and said, "I just opened a bucket to wash my face, and there was only half a bucket left!" " Another colleague said, "water is still very useful, but your face is big!" " "

5. Me: "Waiter, the steak I ordered has been over half an hour, and it's not ready yet? It's already midnight 1 1 point! "

Attendant: "Don't worry, sir. Our store is open 24 hours a day. "

I ...

I went to the bank to withdraw money. After a limited operation time, my bank card was swallowed. I was in a state of ignorance at that time. The staff told me: beauty, you can just go to the counter tomorrow ... I said: it swallowed my card and there is not much money in it. I'll wait, maybe it will dislike having no money and spit it out for me. ...

The staff said: it has a good appetite and is not picky about food. It tastes great! Don't worry, you can never eat too little meat!

7. In high school, my deskmate was a beautiful sister paper, and my hands were frostbitten and festered in winter. At that time, the school brought its own lunch box to cook and washed it after eating. I think her hands are poor. I washed her lunch boxes for two winters.

One night when she was studying by herself, she whispered in my ear, "Would you like to wash my lunch box for life?" As soon as I heard it, I got angry: "It was agreed that I would wash it in winter, you would wash it in summer, and you would wash it? Still want to lie to me to wash for a lifetime, dreaming!

8. Before Mulan joined the army for her father, she bought horses in Dongshi, saddles in Xishi, reins in Heather and whips in Beishi. Hearing this, the general asked, "Mulan, are you disguised as a man?" Mulan asked in surprise, "How does the general know?" The general said, "Men don't go to four markets in a row to buy this."

9. When I came back from the night shift and stopped at the first floor, I heard a child crying in the room, and his mother lied to him that there was a ghost outside. In the spirit of helping others, I screamed in horror and both of them cried.

10, Male A: My blood type is B, so is my wife's blood type, and I gave birth to a baby. Man b: the child won't be type 2 b.