Kneel and beg girls to watch more than n jokes! ! !

This is a short message from a girl chasing a boy, one a day. I'll arrange it and send it to you! O(∩_∩)O~

1, an astronaut from a certain country decided to visit Mars, but he was afraid of an accident, so he sent a monkey up. The monkey came back and made three moves. The first one was to beat his chest, the second one was to walk forward, and the third one was to cover his eyes. Scientists have been translating for a long time and come to the conclusion: it's too bad, flying too fast, and I can't see anything clearly!

2. The three most popular words during the Iraq war: peace, war and discovery. Connect these three words and read them aloud for three times, and you will find a shocking secret …

I farted … Press CTRL+A to see the secret answer here \ (o)/~

3. A Shandong student and his roommate from Northeast China went to the grocery store to buy instant noodles. On the way, Northeast China said to itself, "What's the smell of the whole? The whole cow with onion flavor ... "Shandong people don't know what all means, so they ask the northeast people, and the northeast people tell him that all means eating. Once two people went to the toilet together, and it happened that the toilet was shut off, and there was 22 thousand gold in it ~ ~ ~ The Northeastern patted his thigh: "What a mess!" ~ "Shandong people listened forward and vomited with their hands on the wall. ...

4. A prince fell in love with a princess, but the prince was enchanted by a witch and could only say one sentence a year. The prince worked hard for five years and saved five words. He ran to the princess and said, "Princess, I love you! ~ "The princess said," What, what did you say? " Prince: "..."

5. This is a true story …

In an English class, a boy was suddenly in a hurry and asked the teacher for leave. The teacher said, "Go." The boy endured a class, which was very romantic and Xiu Yuan-style. I think I will go up and down for what I want.

After class, the teacher asked him, "Why don't you go to the toilet when you are so depressed?" The boy replied, "You don't want to talk about it." Teacher: "..."

6. Three years ago, each of us had a puppy. You call it face, I call it ass. Later, you were shameless. Every time I see your ass, I think of your face. If your face were still there, it would be as big as your ass!

7. Someone keeps a parrot. No matter how you teach it, it can only say two words, "Who?" . One day this man went out, and a water meter inspector came, knocking. The parrot said, "Who is it?" "Check the water meter." The parrot asked again, "Who is it?" "Check the water meter." ..... Two hours later, the host came back and found a man lying at the door, foaming at the mouth and fainted. He asked, "Who is this?" The parrot's voice came from the room: "Check the water meter ..."

The prisoner was shot, but the first shot didn't go off because of the poor quality of the bullets. Then the second and third shots were fired ... At this time, the prisoner couldn't stand it and cried and said, "Brother, you strangle me!" This is so scary ... "

9. In the prison, a condemned man walked around uneasily. A kind-hearted prison guard said to him, "Don't be afraid, the current is very strong. It will be fine in a blink of an eye, and it won't hurt." Then there was a scream from the execution ground. "What's that noise ..." The prisoner asked trembling. "I don't know." The guard stood up and looked inside. After a while, the guard came back. "Nothing, catch up with the power failure, so we have to use candles." The guard said casually.

10, a motorcyclist likes to wear clothes backwards, that is, buckle his mouth at the back to keep out the wind. One day, he drove under the influence of alcohol, overturned and fell headlong on the side of the road. Here comes the police:

Policeman A: What a terrible car accident.

Policeman B: Yes, I hit my head in the back.

Policeman A: Well, he's still breathing. Let's help him turn his head back.

Policeman B: OK ... One, two, push, turn around.

Policeman A: Well, I'm not breathing. .......

1 1. Teacher: "Can you tell me the same characteristics of18th century scientists?"

Student: "Yes, they are all dead."

12. The rhinoceros dung beetle fell in love with a mosquito. When the beetle asked the mosquito what to do, the mosquito said, "Nurse, give me an injection." The tapir patted his thigh: "Fate, I was rubbing pills in the Chinese Medicine Bureau ..."

13. During the Beijing Olympic Games, an African stayed in a hotel. In the middle of the night, a fire broke out for some reason. Africans don't care so much when they see it, and they run out naked. When the fireman saw it, he exclaimed, "Oh, my God! It's burnt, and you can run so fast! "

14, a young man wanted to enlist in the army, and an ophthalmologist in a military hospital checked his eyesight. The young man admitted that he was nearsighted. After the examination, the doctor said, "Yes, you are right. It is myopia. " The young man was very happy to hear this sentence. "Dear doctor, then I can be exempted from military service?" The doctor shook his head and said, "no ... I wrote that I could take part in hand-to-hand combat."

15, Saddam's motorcade was surrounded by American troops. After a few days, they couldn't hold on, so they sent a guard out to inquire about the situation. When he came back, he made a V-shaped gesture to Saddam. Saddam was very happy: "Great, we won!" " The guard looked sad: "What, just you and me ..."

16, a foreigner went to the supermarket to buy things. When checking out, cashier: Can you speak Chinese? Foreigner: If you speak slowly, I can understand. Cashier: Can you … speak … Chinese …

17 One day, the US government wanted to see which agency was more efficient, so it found three agencies-the FBI, the CIA and the new york Police Department, and asked them to look for a rabbit in a forest. On the first day, the FBI came to the forest to look for fingerprints and footprints to smell ... 24 hours later, 100. Draw a conclusion: there are no rabbits here. The next day, 65,438+000 people from the Intelligence Bureau came to the forest and asked about elephants, foxes and monkeys ... Twenty-four hours later, the 100 people also came out and came to a conclusion: there were no rabbits in the forest. On the third day, two policemen from new york Police Station came to the forest and came out ten minutes later. Two of them were holding a seven-hole hole.

18, a farmer fed the chicken the night before killing it, and casually said: Eat quickly, this is your last meal! The next day, I saw the chicken lying down, leaving a suicide note: I have taken rat poison, you can't eat me, and I'm not easy to mess with.

19, do you want to get rich?

Do you want to get lucky?

Do you want to become famous overnight?

Do you want the whole world to go crazy for you?

Stop dreaming!

Wash and sleep!

20. In a military exercise, the landing position of a shell was far from the expected position. A soldier was sent to inspect and found that the shell landed in the farmland. A man in rags and dark skin stood there with tears in his eyes and said to him, "why not just steal a cabbage?" Is it worth shelling? "

2 1. After the Tang Priest drove Wukong away, something happened again. I remembered the curse in my death, so I called Wukong silently, but soon a voice completely shattered his hope of survival: the subscriber you dialed is not in the service area!

According to the forecast of FY-3 meteorological satellite, a comet will hit the earth tonight, and its landing point will be your bed. In order to prevent accidents, please sleep with your ass up and fart until dawn tonight, and use the gas impulse to change the landing point. Remember!

23. Some people just learned to ride a bike when they were young, and they ran into the street before they knew it. When he saw an old man walking in front of him, he felt he was going to hit him and shouted, don't move, don't move. The old man stood there for a while without moving, and as a result, he turned around and ran into it. The old man stood up and said, you aimed.

24. On the bus, a man and a woman collided because of the crowd. The woman turned back and said, "Are you sick?" The man felt puzzled and replied, "Do you have any medicine?" The people in the car snickered! The woman felt very angry and replied, "Are you mentally ill?" The man said coldly, "Can it be cured?"

25./kloc-Xiao Zhao, 0/8 years old, is a senior one this year. His only shortcoming is that he is too old. On the way to school by bus, a man in his thirties next door talked to him. He said, big brother, where are you going? Accustomed to such treatment, Xiao Zhao said quietly: This person: Oh, it's to see the children. Nowadays, it is difficult for children to go to school. Zhao's face twitched, but he held back and said nothing. Unexpectedly, this man added: Big Brother, what grade is your child? Zhao Ben didn't want to talk again, but because of face, he said: Senior one. The other party was shocked: Brother, you got married very late. ..

26. The boy took his girlfriend for a walk and passed by the restaurant. Girlfriend praises: It smells good! The cash-strapped boy said very gentlemanly, let's walk in front of the restaurant again if you like. ......

27. When a man takes a bus, a beautiful girl on the bus always looks at him. He thought: this girl may be interested in herself, but she can't help being flattered. When the girl got off at the station, the man immediately followed. The girl walked in front and looked back from time to time. He got up the courage to run forward and said humorously, miss, why do you always look at me? Is there a grain of rice on my face? The girl glared at him: You are sick! Don't wipe it if you know it. ......

28. Have you eaten? You should eat this. If you haven't eaten, don't look yet.

A farmer was carrying two loads of dung on the ridge of a field. A man went up and asked, Grandpa, how much is this sauce a catty? The farmers didn't make a sound. The man reached out his hand, dipped a little into it, put it in his mouth and tasted it. He thought, if you don't tell me how much it costs a catty, I won't tell you that your sauce stinks. ...

I guess after talking about so much food, you just ...

In that case, by the way, I didn't mean to.

29. This wolf cub has been a vegetarian since birth. Father and mother wolf racked their brains to train their cubs to hunt. Finally, the machete son, who pleased Sirius's parents, ran after the rabbit crazily. The wolf cub grabbed the rabbit and said, boy! Hand over the carrots!

30. Letters and numbers fight, and the number 1 and 3 form the letter B to penetrate the enemy. Not long after, 1 and 3 came back, with dark eyes and black and blue bodies. Everyone asked them how they did it. 1 and 3 cried and answered: all the letters except the biggest A are lowercase letters. ......

3 1. There is a man lying opposite the front seat of the theater, and four seats are occupied by one person. The lady with a seat said to him, "Sir, one person can only take one seat." He just snorted and didn't move. The young lady invited the theater manager, who said politely, "Please sit down, sir. One person can only occupy one seat. " He just snorted and didn't act. The manager only invited the police. The policeman said, "Dude, you are very horizontal! Which way are you going? " The man snorted and said, "How about ... the one who fell in the upstairs aisle ..."

The TV newscaster is broadcasting the news. At this moment, a piece of paper was delivered to him. He picked it up and habitually said, "The following is the news we just received ..." Then he opened the note, which read, "Dude, you still have a spinach leaf on your front tooth ..........."

33. Someone rode a bicycle to the street, passed a junction and spread out his hand. When the traffic police saw it, they exclaimed: Good palms! Someone waved happily and replied: comrades have worked hard!

Grandpa said to his grandson: Jin Yong's works can be connected into a couplet. Sun Tzu: Isn't it that the snow is shooting at the White Deer Plain, and the smiling scholar is leaning against the garden? Sun Tzu disdainfully said that J.K. Rowling's seven books can also be linked into one sentence: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. ...

It is said that on the longest and scariest road in a dark night, a taxi driver drove there and a woman waved to get on the bus at the roadside. It was quiet all the way until the woman spoke. She said to the driver, "Here is an apple for you." It was delicious ... the driver thought it was great, so he took it and took a bite. The woman asked: Is it delicious? The driver said: delicious! The woman replied: I remember I liked eating apples before my death ... The driver stood up and ate all the apple cores! I saw the woman slowly tilt her head to the front and said to the driver, but I don't like it after giving birth. ......