Visiting jokes

"Laughing Building" Feng Menglong is willing to be kicked. When the woodcutter was carrying firewood, he accidentally met the doctor, who punched him. The woodcutter pleaded, "I'd like to be kicked." He was asked why. The woodcutter said, "It must be hard to live with his hands!" " "A scholar who has no goods in his stomach is going to take the imperial examination, and he is very sad day and night. His wife comforted him and said, "It's so hard to watch you write an article, just like we women have children." The husband said, "it's still easy for you women to have children." The wife asked, "Why?" The husband said, "you have it in your stomach, but I don't!" """Chuan" sleeps in. An enlightenment teacher only knows the word "biography". When he saw a student hand in a book, he planned to find a word to teach him. After turning a few pages, he suddenly saw a word "three", pointed at it and scolded: "I can't find you anywhere." I'm lying here sleeping in! " Two children who were also "sick" got married, and an in-laws bought a new bed, which was extremely exquisite and gorgeous. I thought such a good bed would not be seen by my in-laws, so why not bury it? So he pretended to be ill and lay in bed so that his in-laws could visit him. My in-laws have just made a pair of trousers and want to show them off. When I heard that my in-laws here were ill, I was glad to visit them. He sat down in front of his in-laws bed, deliberately raised his legs and lifted his robe to reveal New Pants. Then he asked, "What's wrong with your in-laws, so pale and thin?" Speaking of this, my in-laws patted the edge of the bed and said, "My little brother is sick, just like my in-laws are sick!" The word "one" grows up. The father wrote a word "one" to teach his son. My son read it several times and remembered it. The next day, the father wiped the table, drew a horizontal line on the table with a wet cloth and asked his son, "What is this word?" My son blinked and didn't know him. Father said, "This is the word" one "that I taught you yesterday!" The son opened his eyes wide in surprise and said, "overnight, you have grown so big?" ! "Refuse to say" lose ". A man claims to be famous for playing chess. One day I played chess, but I lost three games in a row. The next day, someone asked him, "How many chess games were played yesterday?" The man replied, "Three sets." Ask again: "Who wins and who loses? "Answer:" I didn't win the first game, he didn't lose the second game, and I tried to draw the third game, but he refused. " The game boasted, "I have a big drum at home." Every time I hit it, Fiona Fang can hear it within a hundred miles. " B said, "My family has a cow. Standing in Jiang Nanan, I can drink water, and my head can reach Jiangbei. " A shook his head again and again and said, "Where can there be such a big cow?" B said, "Without this cow, how can cowhide cover your drum?" "There is always a sharp diamond in the town. No matter what others have, as long as they see it, he will try his best to take advantage. People who know his character, as long as they have objects in their hands, bypass his home. One day, someone walked past his house with a piece of gravel and thought, "He can't take advantage of this thing!" " "Unexpectedly, he was dragged home by a sharp drill, took out a kitchen knife from the kitchen, ground it on the gravel a few times, and then pushed him away and said," Well, you can go. " A drunk dreamed of a bottle of wine. He wanted to heat it and drink it. He was about to run into the kitchen to heat the wine, but his dream woke up. He was very upset and said to himself, "It's a pity that I didn't drink it cold earlier!" " "Eating puffer fish is said to be delicious and tender. The couple bought a few specially, so they must try them when they are ready. Suddenly, they remembered that eating puffer fish might lead to poisoning and death. So, the husband asked his wife to eat first, and the wife asked her husband to eat first. Later, my wife couldn't resist her husband and had to eat first. When she raised her chopsticks to catch the fish, she said with tears, "I'll eat first, but I just want you to take care of your two children." "When they grow up, they should never buy puffer fish to eat." Military attache night patrol Military attache night patrol met a man who came back late and claimed to be a scholar. The military attache said, "Since you are a scholar, I will test you." The scholar said, "Please make a question." The military attache thought for a long time, but couldn't think of a topic, so he shouted, "What a bargain. Fortunately, I can't think of the topic. " Xian Cheng, who is in charge of finance on the red candle, can't read. Every time he buys something, he draws a shape on the ledger, which is regarded as bookkeeping. One day, the county magistrate looked at the accounts and saw many pictures painted on them. He was very angry and drew many red stripes on the picture with a red pen. When Xiancheng saw it, he said to the county magistrate, "Why did you put many of your red candles in my account?" There is a writer in Saner yamen who always makes mistakes in writing. Once I copied the roster and wrote the word "Chen" on the right side of my ear. After the county magistrate found out, he hit 20 boards. After the pain, he thought that all the capitals of the radicals were written on the left. When writing the word "Zheng", write your ear to the left. As a result, I got 20 more boards. Soon, a man named Nie asked him to write a complaint. He shook his hand again and again in fear and said, "no, no ... I gave 40 boards for both ears;" If you write to my third brother, I'll kill you! " Everyone likes to talk big. The rich man and his three sons like to talk big. They often call themselves by the name of the imperial family. One day, a friend came and the rich man was not at home. The eldest son said, "Dad is out." The second son asked where his mother was and replied, "Mother is drinking in the imperial garden." My friend saw that their words were inappropriate and left. If you happen to meet rich people, then tell them one by one. The rich man asked, "Who said these words?" The third son behind him interjected, "Maybe two brothers said it." The friend was even more angry and grabbed three sons and hit them. The rich man quickly advised, "Xianqing, don't be angry. For my sake, let Huang San go! " New clothes show off. There is a man who likes to show off. One day, I put on new clothes and went out with a very nice boy. Lest others should not pay attention to his new clothes, he shrugged his shoulders and dangled on the road. After a long time, I asked extremely, "Has anyone seen my beautiful new clothes?" The extreme boy replied, "No one has read it yet." He felt that his shoulder was hunched, so he immediately put it down and said, "Since no one has seen it yet, let my shoulder rest for a while." A neighbor moved to a quiet place, but his left neighbor was a coppersmith shop and his right neighbor was a blacksmith shop. Two shops knock on the door all day, and the noise is annoying. He said to people, "If the two stores move away, I am willing to pay for hosting a banquet for them." One day, two bosses said to him, "Let's move." He was so happy that he treated them to a meal at once. After drinking, he asked, "Where have you moved?" The coppersmith said, "I moved to the blacksmith's shop." The blacksmith said, "I moved to the coppersmith's shop." A quack taught his son a quack to cure a man to death. The family of the deceased tied him up with a rope and prepared to send him to the government. At night, the quack broke free from the rope and fled home. At this time, my son was still studying medical books. The mediocre doctor quickly said, "son, read the medical book slowly." It is important to learn to swim first. " It takes thousands of hands to have a barber with poor skills. When shaving a person's head, every time the razor cuts the customer's scalp, he quickly covers the wound with his fingers. Then I cut more and more, and ten fingers were not enough. He couldn't help thinking angrily, "It's so hard to shave your head. I wish I were avalokitesvara! " "Three people sleepwalking, three people sleep in a bed. A person felt a strange itch in his thigh in his sleep, so he scratched hard, but he caught another person's leg. The itch on his leg couldn't stop at all, so he scratched that person's leg and bled. The man felt his legs wet in the middle of the magnum, thinking that the third man had drowned, so he quickly pushed him up to relieve himself. The third man went out to relieve himself in his sleep. The neighbor is a hotel, and the sound of pressing wine is ticking. He thought he hadn't finished drowning and stood until dawn. Beat you to death A rich man said to a greedy man, "I'll give you 1000 taels of silver and I'll kill you, okay?" The greedy man replied, "I only want 500 taels of silver." . "Imperial secretary said," Why? " Answer: "Please beat me half to death. "Joint venture brewing two people together. A said, "You get out of the rice, I get out of the water. B said, "All the rice is mine." How to calculate this account in the future? "A said," how can I let you suffer? When the wine comes out, just give me back the water and the rest is yours. "Struggled for a year, a coward teacher went to his employer to teach" University "at the beginning of the year until" Yu! The former king never forgets this sentence, just like reading a word. The master was very knowledgeable and corrected him and said, "Wrong. Here, you should say "alas." This Shushi listened to his master. In winter, I began to teach The Analects. When it came to "it's difficult to be polite, but it's close to the play", the teacher remembered what happened at the beginning of the year and changed it to "alas" The master just listened to it again and said, "It's wrong here again. You should read the original sound here in' Yu Xi'." The familiar teacher was angry and said to his friend, "This host is too difficult to talk. He only quarreled with me from the beginning of the year to the end of the year. " I dreamed that one of Duke Zhou's teachers slept in broad daylight. After waking up, I lied and said, "I dreamed of Duke Zhou." The next day, during the day, the students fell asleep as teachers. The teacher woke up the students with a ruler: "why don't you study?" You are asleep! " "The student said," I also went to see the duke of Zhou. "The teacher said," What did Duke Zhou say? "The student replied," Duke Zhou said that he didn't see your teacher yesterday. "Don't go back to marry a woman. She cried so badly on the road that the sedan chair bearer couldn't bear to say to the bride, "Little girl, how about I carry you back?" When the bride heard these words, she said, "Don't cry, don't cry!" "The duke of zhou where there is a bride to get married? She cried and asked her sister-in-law, "Who made this damn marriage system?" Sister-in-law told her: "It's Duke Zhou." Married women cried and cursed Duke Zhou. When the bride returned to her family at the full moon, she asked her sister-in-law, "Where is Duke Zhou?" Sister-in-law asked, "What do you want with him?" The bride whispered to her sister-in-law, "I want to make a pair of shoes to thank Duke Zhou!" " "There is a small official on the grape trellis who is afraid of his wife. One day, his wife scratched his face and went to court the next day. Taishou saw it and asked him, "Why is your face broken?" The deacon said falteringly, "I enjoyed the cool last night." The grape stand fell down and scratched the skin. The big guard didn't believe it and said, "This must be your wife's scratch." That's not bad. Take this woman to court quickly. "Unexpectedly, Mrs. Taishou heard it in the patio and ran to the class, showing its ferocity. Seeing this, I panicked. He quickly said to the little official, "Please step down for a while, the grape trellis in my office is going to fall down. "Grit your teeth. There are two aunts, both of whom were widowed because of the dead. My aunt often says to my sister-in-law, "You have to bite the bullet and make a living. "It wasn't long before my aunt secretly had an affair with someone. When my sister-in-law found out, she blamed her with what her sister-in-law said to herself. I didn't know my sister-in-law opened her toothless mouth and said, "Look, I have to have teeth to bite. "In order to get the excrement of pedestrians, build a cesspit on the roadside. One day, he saw a man holding clothes from a distance and decided that the man was going to pee. In order to prevent this man from going to the toilet next door, he pretended to have shit, so he stayed in the toilet first, and the person who urinated really went to the cesspit he built. He was so happy that he took out a fart and brought a little shit. He was very sad and sighed regretfully: "Small loss! This is a small loss! "Donkey for horse" A man rode out on a thin donkey and met a man riding a good horse. He got off the donkey and said politely, "I want to trade this donkey for your horse. The rider felt very angry and said, "Are you crazy?" "The donkey rider said," I think you are indecisive and just want to say that you are insane! ""Catch a good shoe. A woman was having an affair with her neighbor at night. Her husband bumped back and the neighbor jumped out of the window to escape. The husband picked up the neighbor's shoes and angrily scolded his wife, saying, "I recognized these shoes this morning and I will get even with you!" " "Sleep in shoes. The doctor didn't know that the wife switched the bag with her husband's shoes while he was asleep. Wake up in the morning and scold your wife. The wife said, "Look at these shoes. "When the husband saw it, it was his own shoes, and he regretted it very much." I misjudged you. It was me who jumped out of the window last night. "Frozen ice escape. A silly son-in-law went to his mother-in-law's house. My uncle left a meal and occasionally called him a piece of frozen ice. Silly son-in-law thought it was delicious, so she wrapped a piece of paper and hid it around her waist. When she got home, she said to her wife, "You have something delicious at home. I'll bring it back for you to taste. "Stretch out my hand and touch my waist. The frozen ice in the paper has melted, and I only feel damp. The silly son-in-law exclaimed, "This sly thing escaped with a bubble of urine!" "The reins are too long. Some people can't get into the city gate with bamboo poles, but it's a pity to cut them down. Just as they were trying to make up their minds, someone said, "10 There is an old man named Li Sanlao. He is very clever. You can ask him for advice. " The flag bearer is going to look for it. As it happens, the three old people rode their donkeys to the gate, and everyone ran up to meet them happily. I saw Li San sitting on the ass of the donkey, panting and struggling. Someone asked, "Why don't you sit in the middle of the donkey's back?" Li Sanlao replied, "The reins are too long." The third son-in-law boasted that Hangzhou people had three sons-in-law. The first two are very smart and talkative, and the little son-in-law is particularly slow. One day, my father-in-law bought a new horse and ordered three son-in-law to write poems praising the horse. Only describe the speed of the horse and output it in words, regardless of elegance and vulgarity. Brother-in-law said: "The golden needle was dug out of the water, and my father-in-law rode under the shade and rode back and forth. The golden needle was not heavy." My husband praised me. It was the second son-in-law's turn to say, "Put the goose feather on the fire. My husband rode to Yuyao and rode back and forth, and the goose feathers were not burning. " Grandfather praised me again. Silly son-in-law thought hard and couldn't say anything. I was in a hurry when I suddenly heard my mother-in-law fart. The silly daughter-in-law said, "My mother-in-law farted, and my husband rode to Huiji again and again, but his anus was still open." Blind man, the master wanted to install a bolt, but the carpenter put it outside the door. The host scolded, "Who left the latch outside the door? Are you blind? " The carpenter refused and said, "You are blind." The host asked, "How can I say I am blind?" The carpenter said, "If you have bright eyes, why did you hire me as a blind man?" Stealing national meat There was a cook who always stole something to eat, no matter who he gave a banquet for, and it gradually became a habit. One day, he cut meat at home, picked some good pieces of meat and wrapped them in a bag of paper. The wife scolded: "This is your own meat. Why did you steal it? " The cook suddenly smiled. "I'm used to it!" " "When someone dug up the ground to get a golden arhat, I was ecstatic. But think about it, there is 18 arhat! He blamed Lohan Jin, bent his finger and hit him on the head and asked, "Tell me quickly, where is the statue of 17?" "His wife is a cow county magistrate rat. On his birthday, his subordinates chipped in and gave him a gold mouse to please him. The county magistrate accepted it happily, and then said, "Do you know? My wife's birthday is in a few days. She belongs to a cow! The two brothers worked together loudly and quietly. The elder brother called his younger brother home for dinner. The younger brother shouted, "I'll hide my hoe in the ground and go back." "When eating, the elder brother took care of the younger brother and said," You can't shout about what you are hiding, otherwise people will easily know it was stolen. " The younger brother nodded and said, "I see. "The younger brother went to the field after dinner, and the hoe was gone. He hurried home and whispered in his brother's ear, "The hoe has been stolen. "Ghosts visit famous doctors. Bruto sent a kid to visit the famous doctor's dead, saying, "There is no ghost in front of the door. "The child went to the place of death and traveled everywhere, but every time he passed a doctor's door, he always saw many ghosts gathered there. In the end, there was only one family left, and only one ghost walked in front of the door. The child thought, "This must be a famous doctor. "Ask carefully to know that it is a doctor who just started practicing yesterday. The dead silkworm is alive. There is a doctor who knows nothing about drugs. One day, suddenly someone came to ask for medicine. He opened the medicine cabinet and saw many moths. Someone asked, "What is this?" The doctor replied, "It's a zombie." "Why is it still alive when it is a zombie? The doctor replied, "Jun gave me medicine." "Phoenix, a bird or a beast, celebrates his birthday. All birds go to worship, except bats. Phoenix scolded 1, "you are under me. Why are you so arrogant? The bat replied, "I have feet and belong to an animal." Why should I worship you? "After a while, Kirin's birthday, all the animals went to worship offerings, but the bat didn't go. Kirin also blames it. The bat said, "I have wings. I belong to birds." Why should I congratulate you? Later, Kirin and Phoenix met and talked about it with great emotion: "The current world atmosphere is very bad, and it is really helpless to give birth to something that is neither a bird nor a beast!" Do parents have a nerd who keeps his father waiting in the shop when he goes out? Soon, a buyer came and asked him, "Is there?" The bookworm said, "No." In the evening, after learning about this, the father said to his son, "Zunweng refers to me, and Zuntang refers to your mother." How can you say no? " The idiot was reprimanded and said, "Who knew you were both for sale?" Silly son-in-law has a silly name. Once I went to my uncle's house, he pointed to the willow branches at the door and asked, "What's the use of this thing?" The stupid husband said, "The tree is big, and the wheels are made." My brother-in-law praised me: "People say you are stupid, but I think they are stupid!" After a while, he went to the kitchen again and saw the rolling basin for grinding sauce. He said, "When this basin grows up, it can also be used as a mortar." Hearing this, my brother-in-law thought it might be stupid. Just on second thought, it happened that my mother-in-law farted, and my husband said, "If this fart is bigger, thunderbolt will do." My brother-in-law can't help smiling bitterly. After being elected president of the United States, Peter, a black buddy from the United States, told me, "I have to hurry back to the United States after the exam." I asked him why he was in such a hurry. He said that I had to go back to prepare for the presidential election before the election and become the first black president in American history. Looking at his serious appearance, I almost regarded him as a direct descendant of Mandela. I tried not to laugh and asked him, "What do you want to do first when you become president of the United States?" Peter blurted out without thinking, "First, change the White House into the Black Palace!" " "[I went in for half an hour and didn't come out] The keeper of the zoo stood in front of the crocodile with his mouth open and kept looking into its mouth. Passers-by tourists asked, "What happened to the crocodile?" The manager said, "I don't know yet. The doctor went to his mouth and didn't come out for half an hour. "My husband came home from work and found the house in a mess: the quilt was not folded, the kitchen sink was full of dirty dishes, the children's clothes, toys and books were everywhere, and the meal was not ready yet." What the hell happened? "The husband asked nervously. "The wife said nothing happened. You always ask me what I do at home every day. Now you see ... I didn't do anything today. "Do you really want it? He looked at her and she stared at his eyes. The closed mouth kept spitting out three words: "Really? "He just panicked. Hold the sweat in your hand. My eyes are a little loose, and my lips are trembling slightly. I saw his throat moving up and down: "the last time!" "Her face turned red. I'm a little shaky. Finally, I threw a square at him and said angrily, "How many times last time?" He was very excited. Pick up that box quickly. There are two words on it-"Cloud" [Get a dog] My husband had a whim one day: Get a dog. Me: Are you responsible for preparing food for it? Husband: won't it eat by itself? Me: Are you responsible for cleaning up its feces? Husband: won't it learn to go to the toilet by itself? Me: Are you in charge of walking the dog? Husband: Won't it go out to play by itself? Me: Then why do you have a dog? Husband: ... yes, it's good to raise you. You will also cook for me, help me clean up and take me out to play.

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