Joke Laozi

Say with fear

In the Five Dynasties, Wang Fengying's disciples talked about the first chapter of Tao Te Ching, saying that "Tao can be Tao, but not surprising". When people see the word "Tao", it is

Feng Ming said, "I dare not say, but I dare not say, very dare not say."

-(Song) Unknown writer "Jichuan Laughing Forest"

Joke by name

Shi Zhongli's participation in politics is ridiculous. Some Shangguan Bilang advised him to be cautious and said, "Xiaguan is thirsty. What happened to Shangguan's nose?"

-(Ming) "History of the Third Runner-up"

Golden eyes

The party ordered the painter to take a photo and wrote it in great anger. He scolded the painter and said, "I saw you draw a big bug the other day, and you stuck your eyes on me with gold foil."

Can't you get rid of a pair of golden eyes? "

-(Ming) The Elegant Joke written by Fu Baizhai's master.

Bare words

Baoshan Temple (in Taihu Lake, Suzhou) is a monk and a practitioner. A scholar sneered, "What about the bald word of the bald donkey?"

Write? "The monk replied," bend the scholar's beautiful words and turn his ass a little. "

-(Ming) The Elegant Joke written by Fu Baizhai's master.

Han Xin examiner.

Song's son and his nephews Chang Shi and Chang Ling topped the list. When people complain, they ask about this year's tribute.

Who is it? A scholar replied, "It's Han Xin." People argue about their right and wrong. The scholar smiled and said, "If it weren't for Han Xin, how could I choose three?"

Qin? "

-(Ming) The Elegant Joke written by Fu Baizhai's master.

Production metaphor

A scholar who has been in trouble for many times told his wife that her husband said, "This section is as difficult as childbirth." Scholars say:

"You are in the belly, I am not in the belly."

-(Ming) Fu Bai Master Series "Laughing Forest"

Read by name

Che Yin is studying in Bao Ying, and Sun Kangying is studying in the snow. One day, Kang went to visit Yin. Without seeing him, he asked where to go. The doorman said, "Get out.

When I answered Bai Kang, I saw Kang standing idle in the court and asked, "Why don't you study?" Kang said, "I

Look, today doesn't look like a snowy day. "

-(Ming) Fu Bai Master Series "Laughing Forest"

Tofu disease

A person stayed for dinner, only tofu kept saying to himself, "Tofu is my life, and I don't think it is as delicious as it is." From another day to Hakka

The guest remembers that his favorite food is fish and tofu. The man only ordered fish and Spatz, and the guest asked, "What do you say?"

Tofu is life. Why not eat today? "Answer:" I don't want to die when I see fish. "

-(Ming) Fu Bai Master Series "Laughing Forest"

Sell cakes

Someone was selling cakes and his voice was hoarse. People asked them why and said, "I'm hungry." He asked, "If you are hungry, why don't you eat cake?"

Said, "It sucks." (They whisper)

-(Ming) Fu Bai Master Series "Laughing Forest"

cook

A chef cuts meat at home and hides in his arms. When the wife saw it, she scolded, "This is her own meat. Why? "

Answer: "Oh, I forgot."

-(Ming) Feng Menglong series "Laughing House"

A new official took office

After the new official took office, he asked Xu Li, "What is the correct way to be an official?" The official said, "One year, two and a half years, three years."

Just mixing. "The official sighed," teach me how to endure for three years! "

-(Ming) Feng Menglong compiled Fu Volume II

Fritillaria Anemarrhena

If a person has just opened a drugstore, one day he will leave and let his son guard the store. It is ignorance of medicine for guests to buy Achyranthes bidentata and Coptis chinensis with chicken feet.

I found nothing in the search, but I cut off a foot of my own cow and sold it with two chicken feet. Father asked what medicine to sell and inquired about the past. He was overjoyed.

He smiled and sighed and said, "You want Anemarrhena asphodeloides and Fritillaria, but don't take your mother with you!" "

-(Ming) Feng Menglong compiled Fu Volume III

Older.

One person has a new daughter, and some people use their two-year-old son as a matchmaker. The man said angrily, "my daughter is one year old and your son is two years old;" If my daughter is ten years old.

Years old, your son is twenty. Andrew promised the old man? "The wife listened:" You are mistaken. My daughter is one year old this year and will be next year.

He is the same age as his other son. How could he not? "

-(Ming) Feng Menglong compiled "Fu" Volume 8

The fairy got married.

When Yong Dong was in mourning, the Jade Emperor ordered a fairy to marry him, and all the fairies saw him off. They all said, "Go down, if there are any mourners,

Be sure to send a message. "

-(Ming) Feng Menglong compiled Fu Volume 13

Monk's eye

When the monk is playing chess with others, he can't keep his eyes open because he grabs the corner. He is very upset and his head itches. He touched the top of it and said thoughtfully, "Here's one.

Just one eye. "

-(Ming) "Drunken Moon" series "Selected Works of Laughter"

Good wine

The father and son were carrying an altar of wine, and the father died because of the slippery road. His son fell to the ground and drank heavily. He looked up at his father and said, "Are you still there?"

Do you want to wait for food? "

-(Qing) Chen series "the legendary swordsman"

Son of July

If someone is pregnant and gives birth to a baby in July, his husband won't be able to raise much, just ask everyone. One day, I talked to my friend about it, and he said

: "This is just as well. My ancestors were born in seven months. " The man was surprised and asked, "In that case, your father?"

After all, did you raise many later? "

-(Qing) Game Master Series "Laughing and Laughing in the Broad Forest" Volume 5

"printed books"

Long Hao went out on July 7th and lay on his back in Japan and China. People asked him why, and they replied, "I print books." Dongpo called morning drinks "watering books".

[Editor's note] Americans must be well educated, as evidenced by the summer beach.

□ Selected from [Ming] Feng Menglong's Laughter in Ancient and Modern Times.

"Snow Poetry"

There was a painter in the Tang Dynasty who wrote the poem "Snow": "The river is general and the well is dark. The yellow dog is white and the white dog is white.

Upper swelling. "

Lu Shibo's poem "Snow" said: "Under the heavy snow, the price of rice is high. When the bench is burned, the bed is scared. " and

Yun: "The Jade Emperor sells illicit salt, and a Suzhou noodle is fried."

□ Selected from [Ming] Feng Menglong's Laughter in Ancient and Modern Times.

"Bamboo Poetry"

Wang Qi is most proud of his bamboo poems, which he recited for Dongpo, saying, "Leaves droop and thousands of swords wither." The abbreviation of Suzhou/Jiangsu Province/Soviet Union/a surname

He smiled and said, "Good is good, but ten bamboo poles make a leaf."

□ Selected from [Ming] Feng Menglong's Laughter in Ancient and Modern Times.

Goose song

There will be a Hui Ji basking in the sun, a goose and a good song. The right army [Wang Xizhi] knelt down and begged for the fair, so he took his relatives and friends to watch it. I smell the wisdom of Xi.

Boiled goose. The right army lamented Miri.

□ Selected from [Ming] Feng Menglong's Laughter in Ancient and Modern Times.

Liu Ling.

Liu Lingheng indulged in wine. Or undress in the house and be laughed at. Yue Ling said, "I regard heaven and earth as a building and a room.

Pants and clothes. What are you doing in my pants? "

□ Selected from [Ming] Feng Menglong's Ancient and Modern Laughter (Hebei People's Publishing House? On 1985)

"stingy"

Shen Jun wants to introduce Zhang Wen. Wen checked it for a long time and said, "You should pick one and send it to your mother. It's not thick." Actually, no.

Send.

□ Selected from [Ming] Feng Menglong's Laughter in Ancient and Modern Times.

"stealing poetry"

At the beginning of Yang Heng's seclusion in Lushan Mountain, someone stole his articles and climbed to the top of the mountain. After balancing, he also went to the first place. When he saw the man, he asked, "Cranes fly one after another. "

Does' God' exist? Answer: "I know this sentence is the most precious, and I dare not steal it." Heng said, "I can forgive you! "

□ Selected from [Ming] Feng Menglong's Laughter in Ancient and Modern Times.

"release"

Liang sent to the north. Emperor Wu walked with him and occasionally went to the place where he was released. The emperor said, "Is that country also released?" "Harmonic yue

Do not take, do not put. "The emperor's shame.

□ Selected from [Ming] Feng Menglong's Laughter in Ancient and Modern Times.

Yiji

The late Lord [Liu Bei] used Yi Ji to make Wu. Sun Quan listened to him only as an argument, trying to contradict his words. When he entered into worship, he said, "Please do something.

Where's the king who has no way? "Yes", it is not enough to worship together. "

□ Selected from [Ming] Feng Menglong's Laughter in Ancient and Modern Times.

Dong Fangshuo.

During the reign of Emperor Wu of the Han Dynasty, Dong Fangshuo secretly drank this immortal wine. The emperor was very angry and wanted to kill Crescent Moon. The new moon said, "What I drink won't die.

So is wine. Kill the minister, I will not die; When I die, I don't test the wine. "

□ Selected from [Ming] Feng Menglong's Laughter in Ancient and Modern Times.

Su Shi's Poems on Washing Children

Dongpo in exile for many years, taste the poem "washing children" yue:

Everyone wants to be smart when adopting a son, and I have been delayed by being smart all my life.

I only hope that this child is honest and honest, and there is no disaster and no difficulty in reaching the public.

□ Selected from [Ming] Feng Menglong's Ancient and Modern Laughter (Hebei People's Publishing House? 1985)

Don't wash your feet

During the Northern and Southern Dynasties, Yin Zichun, the general of Liang Dynasty, often did not wash his feet for several years.

He is also quite reasonable: "Wash away the loss of money." Her husband.

People hate it. "Once you can't resist, persuade a.

Washington state "it happened that he was quickly defeated in the battle of Liangzhou."

It's called "foot washing." I hate women so much that I never wash them.

Johnny from [Reader's Digest 94.4]

Monk boiled shrimp

A monk secretly bought shrimp and cooked it. He saw the shrimp.

He jumped around in the pot, quickly folded his hands and whispered prawns.

He said, "Amitabha, be patient. Be patient and bake later. "

It won't hurt when it's cooked. "

Johnny from [Reader's Digest 94.4]

Liu invited guests

Liu Da is not talkative and often offends people. On his 50th birthday, Zhang San, Li Si, Wang Wu and Zhao were specially invited.

Six political parties.

Dinner is almost ready, and Liu Zhao hasn't arrived yet. Liu Da said with chagrin, "Will it come or not?" Zhang San listened and thought, I can.

can

I shouldn't have come, so I left.

When Liu Dayi saw that Zhang San had left, he quickly said, "Hey, what shouldn't have left has left again." Hearing this, Li Si was very unhappy.

Taste, thinking: it seems that I should go. So I left at once.

Seeing that Li Si had left, Liu Da shook his head and said to Wang Wu, "I'm not talking about him. You can't be talking about him, Wang Wu thought.

That must be about me. So he got up and left.

Liu just looked at a table of dining tables and wondered, "What did I say? Why is everyone gone? " ? 』

Your Majesty is my Buddha.

The emperor of the Tang Dynasty was surnamed Li. I heard that Laozi, the ancestor of Taoism, was also surnamed Li, so I wanted to put Taoism above Buddhism.

A monk named Fajing went to see the emperor and said, "Since ancient times, there has been a family of Buddhism and Taoism, and Buddhism is boundless. I am a Buddha."

Effective. Now your majesty is raising Taoism under a private surname, but I'm afraid the world will not accept it! 』

The emperor flew into a rage and sentenced him to death. He put him in prison and said, "You can talk about Buddhism without restriction, but you can't talk about me."

Tathagata, I'll give you seven days to read the Buddha and see if the Buddha can save you when you are dying. It's no use! 』

On the first day of the bailiff's imprisonment, the emperor sent someone to see if he was reading Tathagata. The people who came back said that they sat quietly with their eyes closed and their mouths closed.

If you read aloud, you just can't hear clearly. I will watch it one by one, every day.

On the seventh day, pull it out and ask for it. The emperor asked Fajing, "How is your reading of Buddhist books?" Fajing laughed and said, "

I haven't studied Buddhism for seven days, but I study your majesty every day. 』

The emperor was surprised and asked him why. The Buddhist scriptures said, "Your Majesty is my Buddha Tathagata, and my Buddha Tathagata is your Majesty!

』

The emperor was very happy when he heard this: "Well, the Tathagata is me, and I am the Tathagata. All right, forgive you! 』

Excerpted from China Ancient Jokes-Laughter and Painting, chinese comic Publishing House.

Zhang shuangyi

Like a tiger

Once upon a time, there was an old monk who wanted to cultivate a devout young monk. I brought a baby to raise and taught him since childhood.

Fasting and chanting Buddha, let him stay away from the secular and not be influenced by the secular.

The young monk is sixteen years old and can recite all kinds of Buddhist scriptures. The old monk thought he had trained a devout disciple.

Be happy.

On this day, there was a family in the town doing Buddhism. The old monk wanted to exercise the young monk, so he took him to town.

The young monk has never been down the mountain, seen so many people and seen such a lively market. He's a little dizzy.

See things in a blur Suddenly, the young monk stopped and stared at a girl.

The old monk quickly read: "Amitabha!" " Pulled the little monk. The young monk pointed to the girl and asked, "What is this?"

The old monk lied to him and said, "It's a tiger. 』

On the way down the mountain, they saw a real tiger. The young monk asked, "What is this?" The old monk said, "

It is a girl. 』

Back in the temple, the old monk asked the young monk, "Did you get off work today?"

A mountain, tell me, what do you like best? The young monk said, "I like tigers." 』

Excerpted from China Ancient Jokes-Laughter and Painting, chinese comic Publishing House.

Zhang shuangyi

Fart article

When a scholar finished the calculation, he went to see the prince. The prince occasionally farted, and the scholar immediately offered a fart ode, saying, "Towering golden buttocks, big publicity!" "

Baoling, vaguely like the sound of silk and bamboo, imitates the smell of musk orchid. I am calm and outside my heart. "Yan exultation.

, prolong life for ten years, and immediately put it back in the dead. At the end of ten years, goodbye Yan. The scholar's ambition extended, and he looked at Rosen Hall.

Put it on the table, Yan asked who it was, and the child replied, "It's the scholar who wrote fart articles."

What are parents?

Check a county boy's test paper. The title of the thesis is four books, Parents Are Here. There is a volume in it, the title is

: "Husband and parents, what is it?" Everyone laughed and approved it: "Father, penis is also; Mother, yin also; Yin-yang no

And the monster who gave birth to you. "

Shangshu and Shi Lang

There is a book minister who is at odds with Shi Lang. One day, Shangshu saw a dog running into the lobby, but pretended to ask Shilang.

: "Is it a wolf or a dog?" Relying on Lang's insight into the intention of Shangshu, he slowly replied, "The difference between a wolf and a dog lies in its tail:

A dog stands upright and a wolf hangs down. "

The wrong person died.

A man's mother died, and he asked a scholar to write a eulogy. The scholar copied an article from the anthology for him.

When he saw it, it was an article commemorating his relatives. He said to the scholar, "Wrong." The scholar asked, "How can it be wrong?"

Well,

This article was copied from a book word for word. Did the wrong person die at home? "

Rose crisp sugar

A man bought a packet of crisp candy in Suzhou, and it was only five yuan when he opened the package. He wants to know why four pieces are missing, and he doesn't know what it is.

Why? When I asked the store, I realized that I pronounced "Rose Shortcake" as "Nine Shortcakes".

toss and turn restlessly

The scholar's mother died. Someone sent a bowl of tea and four pieces of paper with four big characters: "Virtue Mencius.

Mother ",

Let him sew it on himself. The scholar tossed and turned, unable to understand, and finally arranged it as a "mother with Meng De" and sewed it on the altar.

One of them took part in the imperial examination, and on the day when the results were announced, he showed them to his younger brother.

Did you win? When the younger brother went, he saw his brother's name on the list.

Stand straight at the bottom of the list and stare at my brother's name. Don't leave before dark.

Brother felt strange and came to see him. He still stared at him with his face upturned.

That name. My brother asked him why, and he said, "The world has the same name.

There are many people! What if someone puts your name at the top as soon as I leave? "

An old Confucian scholar had a son in his later years. What was his name? Age. " Second year

Another son was born. The old Confucian scholar thought the child liked reading, so he named it "Xue".

Later, he had a son, and he himself felt funny; At this age, it is still

Winning three sons in a row is a joke! So he named Saner as a joke.

The three sons have grown up and made no progress. Once the three of them went to school.

"When cutting firewood up the mountain, the old Confucian scholar asked his wife who cut the most firewood, and her wife replied:"

As I grow older, I have no knowledge, but I have a burden of jokes! "

Who lives by?

A fifty-year-old man has a thirty-year-old son. This son is very lazy.

Idle around, doing nothing, food, clothing, housing and transportation are provided by mom and dad.

The old man was very worried about his son, so he calculated his life with his son. father

Both sons believe in fate: father and mother can live to be eighty years old, and so can sons and sons.

Has a life span of 62 years.

Children often worry when they know their parents and their life span. Father's relatives will comfort him.

The son said:

"Don't be hard! You are only thirty years old, and you have thirty-two years to live! "

The son replied, "I'm not worried about my life, but your life."

I had a hard time. "

Mom and dad were very moved and said with tears, "You don't have to hurt your heart too much!

I still have 30 years to live! "

The son said, "I don't care if you live or die." My son calculates very carefully, you

If I die two years before me, who will support me? "

Same age next year

The grocer has a new girl. One day, a friend came to match his small money.

Make it clear that the other person is only one year older than the girl.

The businessman discussed the marriage with his wife and son in private. He said, "My daughter just turned seven, and

The boy is over two years old, which is twice as big as the girl. Wait until the girl is twenty.

He will be forty when he gets married. How can we have the heart to let a lady marry such a person?

What about the old boss? "

His wife and son laughed and said, "You are so stupid! Now our daughter is one year old,

Won't she be as old as that boy next year? "

Never mind the water leak.

Once, when a ferry was crossing the river, its hull suddenly hit a rock. The river is uninterrupted.

The ground rushed into the cabin and the traveler was at a loss. There is only one person sitting casually.

Don't move, laugh at all the fuss. "Don't worry! What does this have to do with us?

Things, "the man said," don't worry about it leaking! This ship is not ours. "