Silly elder sister borrows money.

In science class. The teacher asked Yingying: When is the best time to pick cherries? Yingying blushed and whispered when no one was around.

250

According to the research of American mobile communication, it is found that most mobile phones have a very mysterious function: divide 24000 by 96 with the mobile phone calculator, and the result screen will automatically display the owner's name. So far, mobile phone manufacturers and scientists have failed to solve its mystery.

Make room

Late at night, the Boeing 737 pilot went home and knocked at the door. The wife asked: Who? The pilot said humorously: 737 requesting landing! Suddenly a man in the room shouted: Roger that, 777 will take off immediately to make room for you!

Stupid behavior

A said to B, "Recently, my son often does some immoral things and doesn't listen to me. He said he only listened to idiots. Please advise my son! "

B: "…"

There are exactly three pieces.

A: If you have 654.38 million, can you give me 1 10,000?

B: No problem!

If you have two cars, can you give me one?

B: Of course!

Well, if you have three shirts, can you lend me one?

That won't do!

A: Why?

B: I happen to have three shirts.

when you

Americans only offer a bunch of flowers when they go to the grave, while China people often like some sacrifices.

So the Americans laughed at the China people: "You have prepared so many things. When will the people in the grave come out for dinner?"

China people replied, "People in your tomb come out to enjoy flowers, while people in our tomb come out to eat."

Ninety-nine

One day, on Chen Weng's birthday, Xiao Wang also brought a gift to pay a New Year call.

Everyone present said a few auspicious words to congratulate the birthday boy, and Xiao Wang was no exception. When he said, "I wish you a long life ..."

And then I got kicked out. You know why? Because Chen Weng was just ninety-nine years old that year. ...

Funeral home/funeral home

Passerby A: "Excuse me, where is the funeral home?"

Passerby B: Just stand in the middle of the road, and someone will take you there later.

The original one

Someone met a friend in the street. When he first asked about his friend's wife, he suddenly remembered that she had passed away, so he changed his tune: "Is she still in the original cemetery?"

be devoid of human feelings

Once upon a time, a mosquito in the country and a mosquito in the city were good friends.

Once the mosquitoes in the country invited the mosquitoes in the city to play in the country, and invited the mosquitoes in the city to rub rice at night. Because the country people are poor, they don't hang mosquito nets, and two mosquitoes have a hearty meal.

A few days later, mosquitoes in the city invited mosquitoes from the countryside to play in the city. In the evening, guests were invited to dinner, and people in the city hung mosquito nets. Two mosquitoes walked in the city for half a night and found no one to bite them. However, it is not good for guests to go home on an empty stomach. Mosquitoes in the city had to bring mosquitoes from the countryside to the temple. Two mosquitoes stung the clay idol for a long time, and the mosquitoes from the countryside came home at dawn.

After coming back, other mosquitoes in the countryside asked him, "What's the city like?"

It replied, "Everything in the city is very good, except that the people in the city have no taste."

Wei what

There is a German who loves China culture. His name is Wittmer. One day, he met an old man and they greeted each other. The old man said, "What's your name?"

"My surname is Wei."

"Wei what?"

"Why? Do you want to explain why your surname is Wei? "

Repair the brakes

When the oil well caught fire, the manager of the company called the fire brigade, but because the fire was too strong, the firemen could not get close and had to move 2,000 feet away. An amateur fire brigade invited by the company administrator also arrived at this time. The fire truck chug chug bravely drove to a place only fifty feet away from the fire. The firemen quickly grabbed the water gun to put out the fire, and the fire was quickly put out.

The next day, the manager of the company gave the amateur fire brigade a bonus of 2000 yuan.

Someone asked the captain, how to arrange two thousand dollars?

Without thinking, the captain replied, "The first thing to do is to fix the brakes of the fire truck. Damn it, it almost sent us to the fire yesterday! "

good luck

A man took four umbrellas to repair. He went to a restaurant to eat first. After supper, he took down an umbrella from the wall. A lady next to her said, "Excuse me, this umbrella is mine."

Two days later, the man went to get the repaired umbrella. On his way back, he met the lady he had seen in the restaurant. When the lady saw that he had four umbrellas in his hand, she smiled and said to him, "You are very lucky today." .

Old clothes

The painter hired a van to transport some of his exquisite oil paintings to the exhibition site. He especially urged the driver: "Be careful! The paint on the painting is not dry yet. " The driver said, "Never mind, I'm wearing old clothes."

The painter hired a van to transport some of his exquisite oil paintings to the exhibition site. He especially urged the driver: "Be careful! The paint on the painting is not dry yet. " The driver said, "Never mind, I'm wearing old clothes."

Not particular

A man ran into a restaurant in a panic: "Excuse me, did I leave my umbrella here after lunch yesterday?"

"What kind?" The waiter asked.

"Anything will do. I am not picky about this. "

belong to me

Someone wants to get rid of his wife, so he goes to a murder consultant: "Is there any good way to get rid of his wife?"

"yes! Just short-circuit the washing machine and the refrigerator. Touch it with wet hands and it will be over soon. "

"This can't do. I cook and wash clothes at home. "

This is also called a joke.

A Jun showed his handwriting to his deskmate, who laughed after reading it.

A Jun asked excitedly, "Is my joke good?"

The deskmate replied, "Can this be called a joke?" .

schoolbag

There are four people on a plane to Guam, namely the Prime Minister, a professor, a priest and a primary school student, plus five drivers. Unfortunately, the plane broke down when flying over the airport, but there were only four parachutes on board.

First of all, the pilot grabbed a jump.

Then the Prime Minister said, I am the best person, so I can't die. I also hugged one and jumped.

Then the professor said, I am the cleverest person and must keep my useful body. So I grabbed my parachute and jumped.

At this time, there is only one parachute left. What should we do?

The priest said to the students: I am close to heaven, so you can run away and leave me alone.

The pupil said: No, we still have two sets of parachutes! Because the smartest person just jumped off with my schoolbag on his back. ...

I didn't subscribe to the newspaper.

One day, Obana Xiaomei was chatting.

Xiaohua: "My dog is so clever that he brings me the newspaper of the day every morning."

Xiaomei: "Nothing. Many people's dogs will do this. "

Xiaohua: "but our family didn't order newspapers!" " "

soft

Long time no see, old classmate. What's your annual salary now?

B:120000.

A: Is there 1 10,000 that month?

Yes, this is the basic salary.

A: Not bad! What do you do?

B: Dreaming.

Someone is looking for you.

The fruit grower found a child stealing apples: problem child, wait, I'm going to tell your father!

The boy looked up at the tree and shouted, "Dad, someone is looking for you."

Forward pass

When I was in college, I would go to the gym to queue up for train tickets every winter vacation. One year when I was waiting in line, I suddenly felt someone poking me in the back. Looking back, my classmate handed me a piece of paper and opened it. It said, "I'm a girl in a red sweater, about 20 meters behind …" I looked back carefully and found her, blushing and cute, just my type. Her eyes were full of expectation and shyness, and I thought, "Hey! So I quickly read the contents behind the note, "I still have a sleeper to Hangzhou." Who wants to buy it? If not, please pass this note on ... "

Accurately aim

I just learned to ride a bike when I was a child. Before I knew it, I ran into the street. When I saw an old man walking in front of me, I thought I was going to bump into him. I said, don't move, don't move. The old man stood there for a while without moving, so I turned around and hit him.

The old man stood up and said, "You have a good aim!"

It was embarrassing.

Man: Talk? Woman: No.

M: Why? Woman: Busy.

Man: What are you up to? Woman: Play.

Man: What game? Woman: Games.

Man: What game? Woman: It's fun.

Man: What's funny? Woman: annoying.

M: Talk to me if you are bored. Woman: Get out.

Man: The floor is dirty. Woman: Shit.

Man: This is your shoulder. Woman: You want to die.

M: "Death" is on page 96 1 in the dictionary. Woman: dizzy.

M: I have something for dizziness. Woman: I took it.

Man: I don't feel dizzy after taking the medicine. Female: Big Brother.

Man: I know your sister. Woman: Please.

M: Goodbye, don't take it off. Woman: I'm going crazy.

Male: I call 120 female: You are a fairy.

M: Don't be superstitious. Woman: Is that still alive?

Man: You will have a better life with me. Woman: ⒌ ⒌ ⒌

M: 35 cigarettes are good, but they are harmful to health. Woman: Go to hell.

Man: I'm in an Internet cafe, and I'm not dead. Woman: Please leave me alone.

Man: Well, tell me the phone number, and I won't say anything. W: Why do you need a number?

Man: Today is Valentine's Day. W: So what?

What flowers do you like? W: I like two kinds of flowers.

What two kinds? I'll give it to you! Woman: If you have money, spend it casually!

Man: You are so beautiful! Woman: Am I that beautiful?

M: Nice try. Woman: ......

The master once said that someone took a road test: "Report!"

"Come on up ..."

"The rearview mirror is in good condition and all instruments are working normally. Request to take off ... "

"You can fly if you want ... |" The examiner replied. ....

So I drove on the road for almost half an hour. The students wondered why I didn't turn around when everyone else was just for a moment. Huh? ... finally unbearable ... ask the examiner ... should we turn around? The examiner replied, "Don't worry." ... this is Huangpu road ... keep driving ... how can I land in front of Tianhe airport? "

After another candidate successfully got on the bus, he sat in the driver's seat and lit a fire. After stepping on the accelerator to check the instrument, he said to the examiner, "Report to the examiner that the instrument is normal and request to take off." (It should start asking. It is estimated that candidates have the ideal of being a pilot since childhood. )

After listening, the examiner calmly replied: "Permission to take off, pay attention to the high voltage ahead."

Before the road test, a candidate stood in front of the driver's seat as usual and reported, for example, "Report to the examiner, student Wang Fugui asked to get on the bus." The examiner should answer: "permission to get on the bus." As a result, an unfortunate girl said, "report to the examiner, student xxx asked to sleep." Small goods and big goods are mostly tested by students and coaches. At that time, all beings laughed together.

To make matters worse, the examiner replied, "You are allowed to sleep. Which one do you think is appropriate? "

In high school, the whole school should wear school uniforms, and some students who repeat classes never wear them. The teacher in charge of this field squats at the door every day to check. One day, the teacher saw that the classmate didn't wear a school uniform and asked him why he didn't wear it. This classmate was furious and said, my mother is not dead. Why should I wear mourning clothes?

An art teacher is very famous. A newspaper has a big report with photos, so he boasted in class: "Recently, some classmates always told me that you are really good. You have published photos in the newspaper ..." A student: "Looking for you?"

In biology class, the teacher said, "In fact, weasels don't eat chickens. Scientists have done an experiment, once locked a chicken and a weasel together. Guess what the next day is? " The classmate chimed in: "Is the chicken pregnant?"

Teacher: What do you mean by contentment?

Li Junxian: I only know that you were asked to wash your feet, and then you were happy. ````

Teacher: Please sit down. I don't think you need to wash your feet. Need to brainwash ~

Teacher: What does it mean to sell dog meat by hanging sheep's head?

Zhang Minjian: No, you should sue them at the Consumer Association.

Teacher: Zhang Minjian, I think you should lower your head.

Xin Li: This question is basically the same as the three of them. This is a stupid question.

Teacher: Why?

Xin Li: That's silly. This is a question of economics.

Teacher: The question of economics?

Xin Li: Yes, think about it, how expensive this dog meat is now ~ It's silly of you to sell dog meat with a sheep's head. You have to sell dog's head mutton instead.

The little duke begged his brother, "You ask your mother for some money, and let's go to the movies." "You have to go by yourself. Mom is not just mine." "But you've already met your mother!"

A drunk accidentally fell from the third floor, attracting passers-by to watch. A policeman came over: What's the matter? Drunk: I don't know, just arrived!

The teacher asked, "If you only have one day to live, where do you want to go?" The student replied, "I will stay at school, in this classroom." Teacher: "How touching! There are so studious students. " Student: "Because I feel like I've been in the classroom for a year!" " "

"Why do you always take my toilet paper? Won't you buy it yourself? " He smiled and said, "Don't be so stingy! Isn't it just a little toilet paper I'll give it back to you when I'm finished! "

A peasant woman hurried into town. After searching for a long time, she couldn't find the toilet. She asked a policeman, comrade, there are public toilets everywhere. Where is the mother toilet?

Four priests Tang went to travel by plane, and the plane crashed on the way, but there were only three parachutes.

So, the Tang Priest said, let's answer the question, and jump if we can't answer it.

Tang Priest: Wukong, how many suns are there in the sky?

Wukong: One.

Tang Priest: OK, here you are.

Tang Priest: Friar Sand, how many moons are there in the sky?

Friar Sand: One.

Tang Priest: OK, I'll give you one, too.

Bajie on the side is so happy, such a simple question.

Tang Priest: Bajie, how many stars are there in the sky?

Bajie jumped down.

Before long, the four of them flew to travel again. They crashed on the way and there were still only three parachutes.

They went on answering questions.

Tang Priest: Wukong, when was People's Republic of China (PRC) founded?

Wukong: 1949.

Tang Priest: OK. Here you are.

Tang Priest: Friar Sand, how many people died in the Liberation War?

Friar Sand: 2.5 million people.

Tang Priest: OK, I'll give you one, too.

Tang Priest: Bajie, what are the names of those 2.5 million people? Bajie had to jump again.

The third time, the four of them traveled by plane again and had an accident on the way.

Then Pig said, Master, you don't have to ask. I jump by myself.

Then jump.

Tang Priest put his hands together: Amitabha, there are four parachutes this time/

There was a mm who went out to exercise at four or five o'clock in the morning. At that time, it was just dawn and it was quiet everywhere. ...

Suddenly, a strong man came running from the opposite side. When he saw mm, he suddenly asked, "Stop! Why do you want to go? "

Do you want to say that Tsinghua students are quick-witted ~ MM afraid of meeting bad people and don't want to be robbed of money, they say piteously, "Go and borrow money ..."

"Why do you borrow money?" Strong man still fierce asked.

Mm was afraid of being robbed and said, "I have no money to treat sexually transmitted diseases ..." (

In the office, the tutor growled, "Nowadays, college students are so incompetent that copying porn on my computer actually requires cutting!" " ! ! "

A, B and C went out together, and A caught a cold. ...

Everyone sleeps in a bed at night, and A sleeps in the middle.

In the middle of the night ... A sniffled,

B-C's whole face is the crystallization of a.

Let us know next time ...

Half an hour later,

A: Attention. ...

Hearing this, B and C quickly got into the quilt.

And make sure there is no contact with the outside world. ...

As a result, a fart.

Xiaoming's grandfather died,

Because there is a public sacrifice, the body is frozen, and then please come out during the public sacrifice.

It happened to be hot at that time,

There were thawed water droplets on the body,

Xiao Ming saw it next to him and shouted nervously:

"Grandma, grandma ... grandpa is sweating ..."

Grandma replied:

"Shh ... Grandpa died for the first time, and he was very nervous!"

The husband said to his friend: Yesterday, my wife wanted to buy a fur coat, and she kept arguing with me. I only said one sentence and she stopped nagging.

"What did you say?"

I said, you buy it.

Girl: I always thought your personality was exactly the same as when I was a child. Lover: Really? We are really made for each other. Girl: I used to lie when I was a child. Lover: …

There is no time to queue up.

Manager: I heard that after I die, you will pee on my grave, right?

Clerk: Don't worry, manager, I don't have time to wait in line.

One sentence is valid.

The husband said to his friend: Yesterday, my wife wanted to buy a fur coat, and she kept arguing with me. I only said one sentence and she stopped nagging.

"What did you say?"

I said, you buy it.

Make unnecessary moves

A swimmer swam across the English Channel. When he landed, many cheering people surrounded him.

A Jew came up and asked, don't you know there are ships sailing here?

A child's pet phrase

Teacher: If the lamb stays in the flock, it won't be eaten by the wolf, will it?

"No, sir," the little boy replied, "it will be eaten by us."

Innocent and lovely

Before closing the lion cage in the zoo:

Mother: Don't get too close!

Child: Don't worry, Mom, I won't hurt it.

The airport is more beautiful.

At the party, a beautiful girl appeared with a model plane around her neck. At this time, an air force officer greatly appreciated this and stared. The girl is a little embarrassed. I asked him: Do you think this plane looks good?

"This small plane is really beautiful," the officer replied. "However, the airport is more beautiful!"

I have the key.

On this day, many mental patients clamored for discharge.

In order to ease the atmosphere, the dean had a brainwave and drew a door on the wall, saying, OK, people who want to leave the hospital go out through this door. Then, the mental patients rushed out, and the only mental patient stood still. The dean was puzzled and asked him, hey, why don't you break in like them?

He replied: haha, they are so stupid, I have the key!

The students on the train are very tragic.

Student: Is there a sleeper to XX?

Conductor: No more.

Student: What about the hard seat?

Conductor: No more.

Student: Are there any standing tickets?

Conductor: Yes, but we don't sell student tickets.

Student: Why?

Conductor: It is stipulated that students are not allowed to go home standing this year!

Prove that you are a man.

I was chatting with a group of female colleagues this afternoon, and suddenly someone said I was not a man.

I am very angry. I said, you said I'm not. I'll show you.

The girls all laughed, and one of them was the best, saying, You pay. ...

So I took out my ID card.