Family humorous stories

Family Humor Story 1 Xu Zhichao is an official cadre. Although he is only 35 years old, he has been married twice. Both divorces were due to beating his wife.

Xu Zhichao is a literati, his character is full of romantic colors, and he prefers that kind of tall and beautiful, lively and intelligent amorous feelings. However, most of these women are provocative and have a strong sense of autonomy. Therefore, no matter how big or small things are, the couple hold their own opinions and no one will compromise, so quarreling has become a common occurrence. Xu Zhichao is all thumbs and stutters when he is in a hurry, while his two wives are experts in quarrelling. After becoming angry from embarrassment, we can only solve the problem by force.

Xu Zhichao has been single for two years. During the period, he was introduced to more than a dozen objects, including divorced and original yellow flower prostitutes. They are fat or thin, black or white, ugly or handsome, but when I heard that Xu Zhichao had a bad habit of beating his wife, it was like a plague, and they all avoided it. Some people say that Xu Zhichao will be a bachelor for a long time.

On this day, Xu Zhichao went home by train on a business trip and met a beautiful girl in the sleeping car. When Xu Zhichao accosted him, he was actually a fellow city or alumnus. Although Xu Zhichao has a bad temper, he is very handsome and talks well. Girls who meet for the first time often have a very good impression of him.

This woman's name is Liu Wen. She is 29 years old and has no marriage history.

Two months later, a couple's wedding was held ceremoniously. The quiet bride stood stiffly beside the tall and burly groom, like a water lotus that was too cool and gentle. Many people can't help feeling sorry: another unfortunate lamb fell into the wolf's mouth.

Sure enough, it wasn't long before Xu Zhichao did it again, but it wasn't the bride who suffered.

Near noon that day, Liu Wen called to say that she had a dinner party and would not come back for dinner. It happened that a friend got married that day, and Xu Zhichao also went to the restaurant for a wedding banquet. Halfway through the meal, the director of the unit called and said that several comrades from the superior unit had come from the provincial capital and asked him to meet people at the railway station. When I passed the hall, I accidentally swept it and found my wife and a middle-aged man sitting in a corner of the hall. Nobody touched the food. My wife was crying. Due to time constraints, Xu Zhichao did not intervene on the spot.

That night, the couple had an argument about this matter. Xu Zhichao asked, "Who is the man who had dinner with you at noon?" Liu Wen said, "Why do you ask?" Xu Zhichao said, "You have an affair." Liu Wen said, "You are talking nonsense." Xu Zhichao said, "If the relationship is not ambiguous, why are you crying? Why did he pass the paper towel? " The more you talk, the worse it gets. Liu Wen said, "It's boring!" Say that finish and left. Xu Zhichao grabbed Liu Wen's shoulder. He wants to say: make it clear before you leave. Before he could say anything, Liu Wen buckled his right wrist with his left hand like a leopard. A car turned around with his right shoulder under his arm. With a force, Xu Zhichao felt his legs off the ground and his whole body rolled over Liu Wen's shoulder. With a bang, he fell heavily on the floor.

Xu Zhichao became angry from embarrassment, got up and wanted to fight again. His hand was twisted by his wife's backhand and grabbed him to the ground. He said coldly, "I heard that you have the habit of hitting your wife. You dare not enter this house without hitting twice."

Xu Zhichao was taken to the hospital and examined for a slight fracture of the coccyx.

On the day of accompanying the bed, Liu Wen explained the whole story It turned out that Liu Wen was a member of the provincial judo team before going to college and won the second place in the provincial games. Later, in a training session, he broke his tibia due to his opponent's mistake, so he quit his sports career. The man who had dinner, the coach of the provincial team, passed by this city to see her. Liu Wen might have made even greater achievements and even been selected for the national team if it hadn't been for the accident, he said. Liu Wen is very sad about this.

How much hatred can a couple have? Go home. But his wife's violent tendency was suddenly activated. As long as they quarrel, they start fighting within two sentences. Although my wife's name is Liu Wen, she is neither quiet nor slim. I'm not an athlete anymore, and I often feel itchy. When I meet a person who loves to do things, it is just a good opportunity to brush up on old skills. What "wrestling skills", "solid skills" and "personal skills" are used, but they are all idle anyway. Xu Zhichao can't stand it. He filed for divorce several times. His wife said, "Want to leave? No way! I will make it up to you in this life. "

Xu Zhichao is very painful, only hate that there is no "male alliance".

Family humor story 2 has a house, a wife and a lovely daughter.

There is a man who has a house, a wife and a lovely daughter. Then he met an unidentified woman on his way home from work and kindly sent her to the hospital. The nurse naturally wrote his name in the column of father. Then the woman has been bizarre, and the child was sent to the man's house. His wife naturally misunderstood ... The man made a paternity test in the case of a hundred arguments. The doctor told him that it would take several weeks to get the result, and it might be inaccurate. So he went to his friend's house to sleep on the floor. Unexpectedly, a few days later, the doctor told him that the result of congratulations came out, and the child was definitely not yours, because after our examination, you were infertile. ...

My mother taught me.

My mother kindly said to me, "Good boy, learn this skill and you will never starve to death!" " "

So my mother taught me to eat.

What is "China"?

When I was a child, China was a tube of white toothpaste. I am here, and my smile is there;

In school, "China" is a thin pencil. I am at this end and the paper is at that end;

In the work, "China" is a red cigarette. I am at this end and the leader is at that end;

Married, "Zhonghua" bought a car with a loan. I am here, and the road to struggle is still there;

The future "China" is a thin border, with parents inside and children outside. ...

Family humor story 3 Confucius asked: How is Zi recently?

Laozi said: But you are not.

Confucius asked: I heard that Zi is taking students?

Laozi said: I just fainted with myself and made people clear.

Confucius said: When will students realize the Tao?

Laozi said: fame is beyond reproach and lasts forever.

Confucius said: Laozi is really superior, how elegant his writing is! Drink with Xiao Yu?

Lao Tzu said, well, hey, where's my cup?

Family humor story 4 does not need too many descriptions of psychological activities, long dialogues, complicated and delicate scenery descriptions and characterization.

It's all the names

Xiao Zhang is called Teacher Zhang, and it is difficult to find a job after graduating from college. Because there are enough leaders now, those in charge of recruitment don't want to find themselves a boss for no reason!

It's all that name. To this end, during the interview, Xiao Zhang will declare: "My real name is Teacher Zhang. If you think this name is not good, I can change it! "

One day, it was another interview, and Xiao Zhang was another statement. Unexpectedly, the recruiter looked up at him for a long time and suddenly burst out laughing. After laughing, he said, "Don't change it. It's a good name. You're hired!"

Xiao Zhang's immediate superior is the person in charge of recruitment. He is the head of the company's sales department. Strangely, after Wang recruited Xiao Zhang into the sales department, he only arranged for him to fetch water, sweep the floor, clean the table, and sometimes even blocked the toilet. Wang also let Xiao Zhang make it clear. What makes Xiao Zhang unbearable most is that section chief Wang often calls him to the office for scolding, which makes him nervous all day.

On this day, Xiao Zhang was inexplicably scolded by Wang Xun, and he was very wronged. He sat in the office and blushed.

A shop assistant felt sorry for him. He came over and whispered to him, "Dude, if you want to work here, just bear it." Who gave you a bad reputation! "

Xiao Zhang was puzzled and asked why.

The clerk said, "You don't know, our general manager is, and we all call him Manager Zhang. At that time, Wang and he competed for the position of general manager and won. Our section chief Wang is also having a hard time. "

Xiao Zhang didn't understand what was going on after listening for a long time. He said piteously, "What does this have to do with me?"

The clerk looked around and whispered, "Aren't you called Manager Zhang? Wang Kechang hates that manager Zhang and dare not offend him, so he has to take it out on you! "

Dog-like

Hutu read some books and thought he was great. So we often look down on others, always find fault with others and despise what others have done. When he reads other people's articles, he often says "good dog!" When he sees other people's paintings and calligraphy, he always scolds: "Dog!" Later, when he saw what others did was not pleasing to the eye, he angrily scolded: "Dog!" " "

Once, the Hutu hired an artist to paint a portrait of his father. When he saw the painter's thin face and yellow face, he secretly scolded, "Look at this dog, can you draw my father well?" A few days later, his father's portrait was painted. As soon as he took a look, he severely reprimanded the painter: "Look at your dog!" " "

The painter grinned at this (mǐn). His father was very angry and slapped him in the face. After he was beaten, he muttered unconvinced: "I'm not scolding you." Look at the dog he painted! "

——

The joke vividly satirizes people who have bad habits in speaking. At the same time, it also tells us vividly that people have certain habits in speaking, and once they form habits, it is not easy to get rid of them. The so-called speaking habit is the characteristic inertia of a person's speech. Everyone has his own speaking habits. For example, some people speak gruffly, while others speak softly. Some people are lively and interesting, others are rigid and boring, and so on. Although speaking habits vary from person to person, there are only two differences: good and bad. Good speaking habits can better improve the expression effect. And bad speaking habits hinder communication activities. Good or bad speaking habits are gradually formed. Once formed, it is more difficult to correct. Therefore, students should consciously control the appearance of bad habits and cultivate their own good habits when speaking.

The god of wealth appeared.

Once upon a time, there was a homeless tramp named Zhang San.

On New Year's Eve, he saw people setting off firecrackers, lighting incense sticks and preparing to meet the God of Wealth. He found nothing and his heart itched.

It's getting late. Everyone's doors are closed. Anyway, he's fine, just wandering in the street. Go to the front of a drugstore, see the lights inside, and look through the door. Wow! The owner of the drugstore in the house is worshipping the God of Wealth, burning incense and kowtowing, and keeps chanting: "Grandpa God of Wealth has appeared to make people sick more, and bless my business to prosper and make a fortune!" "

Zhang Sanyi listened: "Hum!" Look at your dog's bad heart of not eating. You are full of dirty words. "He held his breath and left. Walking, they walked to the door of the coffin shop, trapped the door and looked in, where they were also worshipping the god of wealth. The owner of the coffin shop is kneeling on the ground and praying: "God of Wealth, come out quickly! Please suffer many disasters and die in the new year, and bless me with rich financial resources and progress every day. "

Hearing this, Zhang Sanyi felt that this guy was more wicked than the drug seller, and what he said was not like human life. In a rage, no one went to see it anymore. Back to the ruined temple where he stayed, Zhang San was too cold to sleep. The more he thinks about what happened at night, the angrier he gets. Suddenly, he had a plan: to make fun of these two guys.

The next morning, Zhang San hurried to the drugstore and said to the pharmacist, "Hey! Sir, I'm in a hurry. The old lady in the coffin shop is ill. Let me invite you to see a doctor. " Mr. drugstore is very happy to hear this. He thought: please treat me on the first day of the New Year. This is really a miracle of the god of wealth. Good luck!

Then Zhang San ran to the coffin shop and said to the boss, "Big boss, congratulations on the New Year. Let me tell you something. The old man in the drugstore died and asked you to prepare the coffin. Mr. drugstore will buy it himself in the future. " His family was busy with the funeral, and I was specially invited. "

Hearing this, the owner of the coffin shop beamed and thought, Dear, it's lucky that someone came to buy a coffin on the first day of the New Year's Day. It's a good year!

Soon, Mr. Pharmacy came to the coffin shop. The owner of the coffin shop was very happy when he saw it. But I had to pretend to be sympathetic and say, "Hey, hey! Your grandfather died on the first day of New Year's Day. It was really hard. I received your message and prepared a good cedar coffin for you. See for yourself if it is suitable! "

When Mr. drugstore heard this, he was simply confused: "What coffin is not a coffin! Didn't you say that someone in your family was seriously ill and let me rescue him? " The owner of the coffin shop was furious: "Bah! It is in the New Year's Eve that your family is seriously ill! " Mr. drugstore is even more angry. "Bah! Chinese New Year, someone has just passed away in your family! "

So two people you scold, he also said two words, from the verbal start work, straight hit the wall. Zhang San looked at this move from a distance and shouted, "Oh dear! The god of wealth has appeared and business is booming! "

A woman got married, but she gave birth to a little boy less than half a year after marriage.

My mother-in-law is very embarrassed. She walks around the house with her child in her arms every day, afraid to go out for fear of being discovered by outsiders.

Seeing that her mother-in-law likes children so much, a woman said to her mother-in-law, "Mom, if I had known you liked children so much, I would have brought my boss."

"You seem to have many friends, don't you?"

"It depends on when."

"What do you mean?"

"See when they need me, or when I need them."

Family humor story 6 Alin is my college classmate and my long-lost friend. He went to Shanghai a few years ago and recently bought a mansion in a high-end residential area in the city center, while I have been living in an apartment for the elderly of less than 60 square meters. Two days ago, I received a phone call from Alin. He invited me to visit his house and relive our friendship.

That day, my wife and I arrived at the door of Alin's residential area as promised. We were stopped by security. After the security guard contacted Alin on the intercom, he confirmed our identity. Only then did he smile on his face and enthusiastically led us into the building where Alin lived.

Walking out of the elevator, Alin is waiting for us outside the elevator with a big smile on her face. It's a high-end residential area, even the corridors are richly decorated, with marble tiles on the ground and crystal lights hanging from the top. Alin led us into the house and handed me and my wife two pairs of disposable cotton slippers. I hesitated. I am born with smelly feet, and I am afraid of changing into cotton slippers to pollute the indoor air. Alin seems to read my mind. He smiled and said, "old classmate, I learned your smelly feet in the dormitory before." You put a disposable shoe cover on the cotton slippers, which has double protection and no odor. " I agreed embarrassedly: "Good idea! Or your brother is thoughtful. " After the host and guests were seated, we chatted. Alin is no longer the poor student who is short of money. He has a successful career and is ambitious. Not long after, Alin's wife prepared a sumptuous luncheon, with ten dishes and two soups, mixed with meat and vegetables, full of color, flavor and taste. I picked up the cup and felt a little strange. On closer inspection, it turned out to be a porcelain disposable glass. Alin proudly said: "Not only the wine glasses, but also the tableware of this table-plates, dishes, bowls and chopsticks are all disposable imitation porcelain. This kind of tableware is very hygienic and will not infect diseases. " To be fair, the food on the table tastes good, but somehow, this meal makes me feel a little uncomfortable and my heart is blocked.

After dinner, my disappointed stomach began to feel uncomfortable. I said awkwardly, "old classmate, I have to go to the bathroom." As he spoke, he ran to the bathroom. Alin grabbed me and said, "That's the main guard over there. You should go to the guest guard. " "People have three urgent needs." I turned around with a red face. Alin took out a toilet seat and handed it to me, saying, "This is disposable. Remember to put it on. " I nodded, and my face turned redder.

After the convenience, I felt I couldn't sit still at Alin's house, so I got up and left with my wife. Alin took us to the elevator, and we were about to get into it. Alin suddenly grabbed me and said, "Wait." Then he flew back, and soon Alin ran back with a black garbage bag. "There are just used disposable cotton slippers, shoe covers, tableware and toilet seats. Please take it down for me and throw it in the trash can. " Alin said to me. I took the garbage bag and took my wife downstairs by elevator. My wife threw the garbage bag into the trash can. She glared at me and said angrily, "I'll just go to Alin's house once." Let me accompany you to such a rich family in the future. I am anxious with you. "

Family humor story 7 Two girlfriends are discussing their marriage. Xin Xian (Cao) asked B curiously, "You have been married for so long, how do you manage your family?" Line change (grass) B said, "I told my husband that I would take care of the money and he would take care of me, so that he would have both money and someone."

When I was a child, my mother would make me a cup of coffee whenever I caught a cold. She said softly, "Foreigners are always like this." But I am always afraid of the taste of coffee, so is life. Line change (grass) can't see the brand that traveled all over the Taiwan Strait, Shanghai Island and Starbucks when I was a child, but I still vaguely remember that it has a very foreign name: Banlangen!

I heard that your mobile phone has no short message function, so I sent this short message as an experiment. If you receive it and confirm that it has SMS function and it is not my SMS, please reply to me: I have it, it is yours!

A girl went to the movies in a vest and slippers. The ticket inspector stopped her at the door and said, "Girl, you can't enter in slippers." The girl who changed the thread (grass) immediately took off her slippers, held them in her hand and said, "Then I can go in barefoot at any time." The ticket inspector was surprised and said, "Mom, it's a good thing I didn't say that people wearing vests are not allowed in."

Two Beijingers are chatting. New line (grass) "What's your name?" Line feed (grass) "I dare not say, for fear that you will eat it." New line (grass) "Last name is Fan?" Line feed (grass) ""new line (grass) "surname Yu? "Line feed (grass)"No. " Line feed (grass) "What's your last name?" Line feed (grass) "History."

The concept of looking for is too outdated. What's the big deal about meeting one? Don't be old-fashioned like dad and write love letters with glasses. In the past, when we talked about friends, we would first ask others if they had any friends. Now you have to ask others if they are gay. wordless

"Baby, how do you say banana in English?" Line feed (grass) "banana!" Line feed (grass) "Where are the oranges?" Line feed (grass) "oranges!" Line feed (grass) "Where are the apples?" Line feed (grass) "iphone!" Line feed (grass) "What about the big apple?" Line feed (grass) "ipad!"

Programmer A: "Dude, money is tight recently. Can I borrow some money? " Programmer B: "Sure, how much is it?" Programmer A: "A thousand lines?" Programmer B: "Who's with whom! I will make it up to you. Take this 1024. "

Family Humor Story 8 Speaking of violence, in fact, at first, we were both helpless, but later, we gradually developed and became what we are today.

Mm can't do anything for me except using auxiliary tools such as pen tips and teeth, but I can ensure mm's "pain" every day in various ways, but it is fresh every day.

In fact, this fact is not won by "strength", but by. ...

When mm first gave me a "broken hand", I was also in pain, because she pinched my hand with both hands. But I endured the pain and my face remained the same. I said easily, "My skin is rough."

Mm tickled me for the first time, and I died, but I held back and said calmly, "I am insensitive."

In this way, I gradually left an impeccable impression on mm, which has been used ever since.

In fact, mm should think that I am a human being, how can I not be a meat grower!