One sentence makes people laugh, collect 5 sentences! If you can’t laugh to death, you won’t get points~

★The squad leader asked: Who is the biggest officer in our platoon? The recruit answered: He is the platoon leader. The squad leader asked again: Who is under the teacher? The recruit answered: It is the horse that the division commander rides.

★My son always refuses to sit down when eating. Mom: What's wrong with you today? Why are you eating standing up? Son: I had a Chinese class today, and the teacher said, "You have nothing to do..."

★It doesn’t matter if you get a high score, just pass it, it doesn’t matter if you study deeply, cheating will be useless, this is a classroom, I am free, and the novel spreads quickly , the magazine is turned over frequently. It’s not about high scores, it’s about passing, it’s about learning well, it’s about being good at copying, this is the classroom, I’m meditating, I can’t improve in my studies, I listen to music class, I have Sprite when I’m thirsty, I go to the disco when I’m sleepy.

★The wind is blowing and the rain is blowing, the final exam is empty, I am usually too carefree, and I scream during the exam, I regret that the emperors of Qin and Han Dynasty did not see it, the emperors of Tang Dynasty and Song Dynasty beat their chests and shed tears, and the genius of the generation cursed his face Throw it all away and it's all gone. How can you deal with the new trend when you walk out of school?

★The exam is so exciting that it has attracted countless candidates to stay up all night. Unfortunately, Emperor Qin and Emperor Wu of Han were too timid, so Tang Zong and Song Zu had no choice but to copy it. Genghis Khan, a genius of a generation, only handed in a blank paper in the end. After the approval, count all the famous people and retake the exam!

★The teacher asked a classmate to answer a question. The classmate was confused and couldn’t say anything. The teacher said: Can you do it? Even if you don’t make a sound! The classmate: Squeak!

★The teacher said: Find two people and I want to move the flowers. So they voted for class beauties, held a class, and selected the two most beautiful girls. The teacher said: Go to the Academic Affairs Office and move the flowers!

★The teacher wanted the sports committee member to confirm whether all the girls in the class were here, so he said to him: Go and check out all the girls in the class. The sports committee member was a little pervert and quickly asked: Which one should I kiss? The teacher said: I know I still want you to go!

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★The student imagined the future and wrote: I hope to have a healthy child in the future, and I also hope to have a husband who truly loves me. Teacher’s comment: Please pay attention to the order.

★A junior high school student’s English notes: bus’s father is dead, yes’s father is dead, girls’ brother is dead, miss’s sister is dead, and the school is all dead.

★A history teacher asked a student: Who did Princess Wencheng marry? The student answered: Married to a Song Dynasty cadre (Songtsen Gampo).

★A boy pretended to claim something, "I lost it." "But" the girl blushed and said, "I picked it up in the women's restroom."

★ A girl bought an album "First Time" and didn't know who to borrow it from, so she asked the whole class: "Is my first time for you?"

★A group of people Student cadres went to the boys' dormitory to check the hygiene, and saw a couplet on the door of one dormitory: "If you have no money, no power, no knowledge, just chat about women." Horizontal criticism of "Boring Zhai".

★A teacher saw a student handing over a book and planned to find the word "Chuan" to teach him. Suddenly he saw the word "三" and cursed: "I looked for you everywhere, but you are lying there. Sleep in here!”

★Philosophy professor: A fool asks a question that even 10 smart people can’t answer. Student: No wonder I always fail in exams.

Family Humor

★"Dad, what does standing at thirty mean?" "People in the past were malnourished and could not stand and walk until they were thirty. This is called standing at thirty. ."

★"Buy me two more scalloped pancakes." Meimei is indeed different, we usually just call that kind of cake triangular cake. After getting married, I also asked my husband to eat: "Hey, that irregular polyhedron, come here!"

★"Which apple do you want, kid?" Mom asked. "The biggest." The child said bluntly. "Child, you should be polite and be young." "Do you have to lie to be polite?"

★"How much do you love me?" "As much as a dime!" "Only so much ? "Isn't a dime worth ten?" ★When the couple arrived at the stadium, the second half of the game had already begun. The husband asked: What was the score on the field? Someone next to me replied: 0 to 0. The wife said: Great, we didn't delay anything.

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★Mother: "In my opinion, my child is really a prodigy. He has many unique ideas, isn't it?" "Yes, madam, Especially when writing new words from memory. ”

★Wife: You used to give me roses, why don’t you give me any now? The husband replied: Have you ever seen a fisherman feed it bait after catching it?

★The wife asked her husband: Do you like my gentleness and cuteness, or my intelligence and beauty? Husband replied: I just like your sense of humor!

★Dentist to patient: Don’t be afraid, come and drink a glass of white wine to strengthen your courage. After drinking, the doctor asked the patient: How do you feel now? The patient yelled: Now let me see who dares to pull out my teeth!

★A couple quarreled, both saying that they were stronger. In the end, the husband said: You are better than me in only one thing! The wife asked: Which one? Husband: Your spouse is better than mine!

★One day the child's uncle came, but the child said he wanted to go to the zoo to see monkeys. The mother said angrily: "Why are you going to see monkeys when your uncle is here?"

★Husband is a husband if he is within one foot of his husband. If he calls a page one foot away, Miss Hutai will say, I'm sorry, but the husband is not in the service area at the moment.

★Zai Zai was repaired by his father. He ran to his mother to complain: Mom, what will you do if someone hits your son? Mom: I will beat his son to take revenge! Zaizai:...

Swordsman

★"Judge, I firmly demand a divorce. My wife and I don't have the same language at all." "That doesn't matter, you can come together. Find a translator."

★"Why do the bride and groom hold hands during a wedding ceremony?" "That's a habit, just like two boxers shaking hands before a fight. ”

★“Don’t get drunk again.” "What's wrong with me?" "You're still talking about it! Yesterday, someone saw you chasing a pig with a wine glass and shouting, 'Is it a brother? It was a brother who did it'!"

★"I heard that you and your wife had an quarrel yesterday. How did it end?" "Of course she knelt down to beg me!" "No way! How did she beg you?" "She said: 'I won't hit you anymore. Come out from under the bed! '"

★"My wife is so cruel as a referee. She gave me a red card yesterday and pushed me out of bed. "What's that?" The police officer expelled me because of my reasonable collision and found a substitute.”

★The black box on the plane was found in the 9·11 incident, and it was heard in the last 10 seconds of the plane crash. Said: "There is a beautiful woman in front of you, please drive closer."

★Sick child: Mom, why did the aunt who gave out the medicine wear a mask? Mom: The medicine given to you is very delicious, but the director is afraid that they will take it secretly. Sick Child: Wearing masks on those uncles who hold knives is to prevent them from having dinner together, right?

★Patient: Doctor, may I ask, I heard that eating carrots can prevent myopia. Is this true? Doctor: Are you doubting it? Have you ever seen a little white rabbit wearing glasses?

★Interview with a writer: When you are passionately in love, what kind of novel do you most want to write? love. What about before marriage? Literature and art. What about after marriage? Horror novel!

★On the first day of the obstetrician’s practice, his wife asked him: How was today? The doctor said: It’s not too bad. Although the mother and the baby were not saved, the baby’s father was finally saved. .

★Story: A woman fell asleep on the shoulder of a strange man sitting next to her. Incident: A man fell asleep on the shoulder of a strange woman sitting next to him.

★Customer: If you sell food on the street, you should add a dust cover. Salesperson: No need. What I sell are local snacks.

★On a cold winter morning, you paddled hard in the pool, breaststroke, backstroke, butterfly, freestyle, and the amazing diving! The old man on the shore was anxious: Oh my God! You drank up the cesspool and stopped letting me farm!

★I went to Mount Taishan with my friends to watch the sunrise. A friend pointed at the sky and said: "I saw it!" "I saw it too!" At this time, someone from a distance came out with his pants lifted and cursed: " If you see it, you will see it! "

★The sun was red and the sky was blue. The farmers wanted to watch a third-level movie, and they rushed into the cinema excitedly, shaking the sky with angry shouts. The village chief came to ask what was going on, and the farmer said: The person who read the text message doesn't play the role, and we won't pay him if he beats him to death.

★It is said that Dongfang Bubai accidentally got a secret book "Sunflower Book". He opened the secret book and found eight big characters written on the first page: "If you want to practice magic, you must first commit suicide." He vomited on the spot. There was a pool of blood and he fainted. A few days later, when I opened the last page, I saw that instead of eight big words, there were many words. He read aloud: This secret book is for reference only and is purely fictitious. Any similarity is purely coincidental. I advise martial arts enthusiasts not to imitate it, otherwise you will be responsible for the consequences.

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★The director was happy to have a son. He gave a large bonus to his subordinates. The employee Xiao Zhou complimented him: I will work harder in the future and live up to the director's reward.

★The director and the section chief*** were riding in the elevator. The director farted and said to the section chief: You farted! The section chief said: I didn’t release it. Soon the section chief was dismissed. The director said at the meeting: You can't take on any big things, so what's the use of you?

★During the airborne troop exercise, the commander asked: How many recruits are there this year? The little warrior said: Just look at your butt when it falls and you will know! The officer said: Why? The little soldier said: The recruits have footprints on their butts!

★Two white people said to the black man who wanted to eat chicken: How you deal with this chicken, we will deal with you! The black man was stunned, then kissed the chicken's butt.

★The two of them had never seen a cashmere sweater before, so they went to the sheepfold to steal it. One person: Alas! It's really hard to take off the sheep's clothes. Another person: Oh, the sheep is wearing a cashmere sweater. I touched the buttons and they are still soft.

★The leader visited the hungry people and spoke: Rabbits, have you eaten today’s rice? We are all big bastards.

★The deaf, the blind, and the lame were enjoying the opera. Deaf said: It’s okay to dance, but singing is bad; Blind said: It’s okay to sing, but it’s bad to dance; Lame said: Both dancing and singing are fine, the stage is slightly tilted.

★The circus performance is over. Boss: Who collected the money today? Guy: It was collected by the gorilla, but he used the money to buy a mobile phone and is reading text messages now.

★Beauty: Why do they say "it is difficult for a hero to be a beauty"? Hero: Haven't you heard of "the true nature of a hero"?

★A certain army exercise, a cannonball accidentally fell into a melon field, and a soldier was sent to check. A man in ragged clothes said with a sad face: "Isn't it just stealing a melon, why should it be bombarded with cannons?"

★The chief arranged to visit the museum. When taking a bath, he said: In the morning, the women take a bath and the men visit, and in the afternoon, the men take a bath and the women visit. During the visit, you are only allowed to look and touch but not to take photos.

★There is a prize ticket sold somewhere with a donkey, horse and cow pattern printed on it. Someone bought one and shouted: I am a donkey. The people next to him said dissatisfiedly: What's so great about donkeys? All animals have prizes.

★A certain woman married a foreign devil. When her mother died, she asked her husband for money to go home for the funeral, but she did not return with her husband. The husband was puzzled and replied: "To prevent all relatives and friends from seeing ghosts in the daytime."

★An old lady loved to play mahjong during her lifetime. After her death, her children suggested that she send mahjong to her body for burial, but one woman was worried: What if she calls us if there are not enough people?

★A foreigner wanted to hold a party, but his single dormitory was not big enough, so he asked Lao Zhang to borrow a venue: Hi, Lao Zhang, I want to hold a party, but my family is too small, so I want to borrow the venue use!

★A certain player could not catch the ball steadily. When practicing passing and receiving, another player passed him a good ball. He was afraid that he would not catch the ball steadily, so he shouted: "Catch it firmly."

"As a result, the ball hit him on the head, and he only heard him say: "With whom?" ”

★Ms.: Boss, I’m very satisfied with this crocodile leather bag... I don’t know if it’s waterproof or not? Boss: Of course it’s waterproof. Have you ever seen a crocodile holding an umbrella?

★One person here There was always loud farting in the office, and my colleague couldn't help but ask: Can you keep quiet? Then he saw him sitting there shaking and shaking, and asked: What are you doing? He replied: I set it to vibrate!

★Three men met a giant on a desert island who could grant everyone one wish. A: Send my crush; B: Send Miss World; C: Send them both away. /p>

★Three doctors praised their medical skills. A: I connected a man’s arm and he became a baseball pitcher; B: I connected a leg of a man and he became a long-distance running champion; C: I connected a fool’s smile He is now a member of Congress.

★Priest: My child, repent for your serious sins, otherwise, the door of heaven will be closed to you. Habitual thief: Don't worry, there is no such thing in the world yet. I can't open the door.

★Dinner: Hello, miss, the portions of your meals have been reduced a lot recently. Waiter: This may be due to parallax, sir, because the size of the hall has been expanded.

★The soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a mine during combat? The company commander was very angry after hearing this: Damn it, what else can I do?

★The story I tell you includes religion, royalty, sex, suspense and insight into one: My God, the Queen is pregnant, who did it?

★A blind man leads a lame man on a bicycle, and the lame man watches the road. , suddenly saw a deep ditch and exclaimed: ditch ditch ditch! The blind man turned around and sang: Oh le oh le oh le! So the two fell into the ditch

★A long-haired beauty got on the bus and danced with her hair from time to time. When I was posing, I farted loudly, and a young man next to me murmured: No matter how hard I blew, I couldn't float.

★A boxer said to the doctor: Is there any way to cure my insomnia? Doctor: Just count from 1 to 99 before going to bed. Athlete: I tried this method, but every time I count to 9, I will jump out of bed.

★A truck is hanging on the back. There is a conspicuous large wooden sign on it, which reads: "This car has collided with other vehicles 10 times, with results: 7 wins, 2 draws, and only one minor loss." Please be careful if you come! ”

★There was a hawker selling garlic on the street. Suddenly he saw the tax supervisor. He hurriedly started to clean up the mess. The tax supervisor was furious: How dare he pretend to be garlic!

★In women’s health knowledge During the lecture, the teacher asked: What should I pay special attention to after pregnancy? A young woman stood up and answered: Get married as soon as possible. ★There was once a beautiful girl who was willing to marry me. Huangquan - her eyes were red and she said: If you don't pay me back, I will die with you! There was once a girl who was willing to wait for me until the next life. She said: "If you want to be my boyfriend, wait until the next life." "There was once a girl who was willing to lose her life for me. She said firmly: "If you keep pestering me, I will die." ”