The more jokes, the better! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

1 unit, a leader said, "I wish you good health ..." Holding your breath, there was nothing to say.

I once booked a hotel for my boss and wanted to ask if there was any free internet service. I couldn't figure it out.

How to put it, so I asked the other party, "Excuse me, do you have any special services here?" "

The other party: "What? Special service We are a regular hotel! "

-__-! ! ! !

Third, the old four in the dormitory got out of bed and looked for slippers for a long time. No, I asked everyone: Where are my slippers?

4 shopping, suddenly my friend exclaimed: "Wow! Virgin bookstore! "I was frightened. I looked up and saw a plaque with four big characters-foreign language bookstore-_ _!

I once went to buy mutton kebabs.

Hold out four fingers and say "three kebabs" to the boss.

The boss received "How much?"

I held out three more fingers and said "four" ...

Our general manager is surnamed Zhou. I was driving as soon as he called. When I get nervous, I say, "Premier Zhou ..."

My surname is Zhu, the computer room of the management unit. Someone once called my mobile phone: "Sir Chicken, are you in the pigsty?" At that time, I was crazy

The guy made a speech.

8 Waiting in line in the canteen, I heard a boy next to me say, "Master, a bowl of bullet cauliflower soup!" " "(laver egg drop soup)

Haha, I laughed so hard that I sprayed soup.

One day, I ate slowly in the rice noodle shop and was hungry.

Finally, I couldn't bear to strike the table and roar. I wanted to say no to rice noodles, so I lifted the table!

The result said, "Boss! ! ! ! I'll eat the table without rice noodles! ! ! ! "

The whole store was silent for 3 seconds, and then burst into laughter under the table ... shame. ...

10 My parents quarreled, and my father said angrily, "I'll go out!"

1 1 High school plays basketball. After getting the ball, A selflessly passed it to B, and B scored easily. After a while, B got the ball, A shouted to pass it to him, but B threw it himself. As a result, A shouted angrily: I was really blind just now. ...

Full laughter

In the impression of 12, the monitor of the primary school is extremely serious. In a self-study class, the classroom was full of people, and the monitor maintained his ranking several times.

After the preface, I finally couldn't bear it. As soon as I stood up on striking table, I shouted, whoever makes any more noise will interrupt his mouth! ! ! ..... class be quiet.

When we were in 13 university, we asked a buddy how Manchester United was. He said excitedly, "Manchester United lost and Beckham took two yellow plates!" "

14 Don't work in porcelain without a golden hoop.

15 when I was in college, a teacher gave a lecture and talked about a new type of material, saying, "The function of this material is the old material.

Unparalleled ... Oh no, performance and function ... "

16 just went to college for military training. The company commander didn't know where the accent came from and shouted the password-"Drill to the left!" "Drill to the right!"

17 when I was in college, I heard a girl order: master, stir-fry a plate of hot and sour potato shreds, not potatoes!

18 When I was a sophomore, our Chinese teacher was an old teacher who had just transferred from Nanchang to Beijing. He has a strong accent.

My son is attached to the middle school of Tsinghua Architecture Department, which is also the purpose of his coming to Beijing. He is very proud of his son and always tells us about him.

Son, I always say, "My moth (son) is from the Department of Frog (Tsinghua) University Toad (Architecture)".

If moths jump on frogs and toads, won't they become snacks? ...

19 cooking at noon, my mother made me a pot of carrots: "Go, cut the carrots into diced meat!" " "

A colleague asked me yesterday. How to write festivals? I replied: add a festival section under the grass prefix and remove the grass prefix.

! All the staff burst into laughter! I haven't reacted yet ~ ~ ~ ~!

When I was looking for a job, the examiner asked me when I would graduate.

I wanted to say 2000, but when I got excited, I said, "Two thousand years ago. . . "

What's more, the examiner sighed and said, "Confucius' student. "

Just after school started 10 minutes, my deskmate raised her hand and said, teacher, I want to go to the toilet.

The English teacher said unhappily: How old are you to go to the toilet?

I have a classmate who has been reviewing computer level 3. One day, while playing football, another classmate kicked the ball to the bottom line.

Listen to him shout: back off! Get back in the car! (in the middle)

I remember once buying a fruit called Elizabeth. I opened my mouth and said, boss, how much is Shakespeare? old

The board froze on the spot.

The physics teacher said, "It's a thick spring. I pushed from both ends to see if there was any densification (constipation). "

I heard from my classmates that once a girl in their dormitory went to buy sanitary napkins.

Say to the boss: a pack of sanitary napkins.

The boss actually asked: Do you want three delicacies or spicy food?

Then the classmate paused and said, Sam Hsien, I'm afraid I can't stand spicy food. . .

Senior sister of 26 university, studying educational psychology. Late ... walked into the classroom. Look sideways at the blackboard. The old professor got angry and cried.

The teacher elder sister answered the questions on the blackboard. The senior sister hesitated for a long time and said, "Sexiness and Sex, this is too hard to say." The whole class.

Lie prone. (note. Professor's original title:)

A very good male classmate of mine fell to the ground and I asked, "Your ass hurts."

All right! "As a result, I accidentally said," Your ass fell dead. "Khan ~ ~ ~ brother stood up and patted his ass and farted."

Not dead, still breathing! "I'm dizzy directly

Drinking with leaders and others, he raised his glass and said loudly, "Let's die together!" " My brain was too hot. ......

On one occasion, the photographer of our newspaper interviewed the star of Anonymous and told him how he met the star at the meeting. old

Always looking at a lot of photos on the desk and joking: I see you have become his royal photographer. But the boss's south is ordinary

The word is unclear, and "Yu" is pronounced "Day". Since then, the poor photojournalist has been called "."

Daily photographer ",when he works overtime, of course, becomes" night use ".

Boss, do you have a toilet paper hunger card?

3 1 Our colleague went on a business trip, so the dealer invited us to dinner. I want to pee while eating, and the dealer said there is a bathroom opposite.

If you go, you tell the door that we are eating across the street, and it will be free. In order to save 20 cents, our colleagues shot every arrow.

Go straight ahead and confidently say to the toilet manager, "I'm here for dinner!" " "

I'm from the logistics department. After the New Year, the customer called to ask when it would arrive before the holiday, because it was a holiday.

Confused for a few days, I didn't know the content of the order, so I asked: What are you?

A friend of mine has just watched The Legend of the Condor Heroes, and he is very interested in "fighting the dog to win the battle" and often plays jokes on others.

One day, as usual, he. Kicked a man and shouted "kick the dog's leg!" " Everyone laughed wildly, and he felt embarrassed, so he kicked again and shouted, "Dog kicks!" " "

When I was in high school, I went out to work during the holidays and wanted to find a job as a restaurant waiter. Because I'm a child and it's my first job, I'm very nervous. I wanted to ask the manager if he needed a job, but I wanted to say that it would be more subtle to ask him if he needed manpower. The result said, "Manager, do you need a beater here?"

I almost found a hole to get into.

Once I went to the market to buy food and prepare for dinner. A Korean friend bought lettuce and asked for 2.4 yuan. He put all the change on him.

All the money was given to the vendor, and there was still a dime missing, so he said to the vendor-

"I gave you all my hair, so I have no hair."

The peddler was speechless, and it took him a long time to answer-

I don't want your hair.

The manager usually says to smokers at meetings: smokers are strangled! !

I remember when KFC went out to spread its wings, because I didn't see the advertisement, I heard others say that I always thought it was Liu.

Xiang speaks for KFC. When I get to Ken, tell the waiter directly that I want Liu Xiang to spread her wings. . .

After the 38 KFC Sudan Red Incident, I went to KFC.

The waiter asked, what do you want to eat?

I didn't even think about it: a pair of Sudan red.

The waiter immediately looked as if he was choking.

I went to a small shop for dinner with some colleagues after work the other day. There were quite a lot of people in the shop at that time, a fat waiter.

Busy as a bee, a colleague shouted "waiter ~ ~" and the girl ran over. "What are you doing?"

Account? "At that time, we all fell down and went to this restaurant for dinner. When ordering, we shouted "waiter pays" and then finished eating.

When you leave, shout "Order! ! "

I met my colleague in the bathroom at noon, and suddenly I didn't know what word to say hello to. The tie asked, "Eat!"

have you finished? After asking, I was annoyed and embarrassed. The colleague replied, "Yes, and you?" I'm dizzy ~ ~ ~ ~

4 1 my colleague asked about the exchange rate between RMB and Japanese yen, and he said, how can apes exchange it with Japanese yen?

While watching Prison Break, a man took out a blade from his mouth to kill someone, and the boss suddenly said a word.

: "I k, I can still talk with my mouth hidden in the blade, and I am convinced. . . "

One day at noon, my mother asked my brother to move the dining table to the side. My brother hasn't moved for a long time, and my mother said it when she was in a hurry.

Like this:

"Did you hear that? ! I told you to move the table two kilometers to the side "= _ =! ! !

After the impassioned speech of the trade union chairman, the last sentence reached a climax: comrades, let's put this year's.

Work is better than next year! The whole audience fell.

Our teacher is very good. One day, he said, "Take out your homework, let's check the answers and cross out the right ones.

Then write the correct answer on it ... "

I called a friend I haven't contacted for a long time and learned that he was "suspended with pay"

There are so many beauties in Jiangshan, and countless heroes shoot eagles. . . . . .

Go to the cinema to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3. There was a trailer for Transformers before the movie started, and I saw the leader of the fans.

I can't remember "Megatron" at any time, and I can't remember that his team is called "Decepticons" because I am so excited.

As a result, I was a little exclaimed, "How handsome! It's eight days in the south!" What's terrible is that it was suddenly very quiet at that time without any movie sound effects, and many people stared at me and laughed ... what a pity!

Having dinner with a group of friends, one of them was probably betrayed by his brother. He was depressed, drank a lot of beer, then stood up with a red face and shouted, Brother! Not for sale! ! !

I think what I'm trying to say is that brothers are not for sale

At that time, more than a dozen people at our table were lying down.

I'm so tired that I've run out of strength to eat shit. ...

1 When I was a child, I did eye exercises between classes, and the music on the tweeter was ambiguous. I listened to "For the revolution-protect my eyesight, eye exercises-start …" as "For survival-protect my eyesight, eye exercises-start …", thinking that I can't live without good eye protection, I rub my eyes and squeeze them hard every time.

2. A while ago, I listened to Tang Lei's "Lilac" in various video stores on the street. The lyrics were "The grave is full of flowers, how beautiful you are", and I always heard "That penny is full of flowers, how beautiful you are". I've always wondered how a penny can blossom.

3. On TV, Cecilia Cheung made a weight-loss advertisement, put his hand on his waist and waddled out and said, "If you want to lose weight, why not use Sofitel?" Hear "if you want to lose weight, why don't you support it with your hands?" I thought, how can I lose weight just by holding it in my hand?

4. The first time I heard Zhao Yonghua's The Most Romantic Thing, the sentence "The most romantic thing I can think of is to grow old with you" I heard: "The most romantic thing I can think of is to sell computers with you!" At that time, I thought Zhongguancun was advertising.

5. When I was a child, I listened to a theme song like this: "Geji, Geji, Geji, Geji, Aunt Wash the spittoon ..."

6. Cheng Lin The Journey to the West's "Goose listens to my song, and the river kisses my face" was heard as "Uncle listens to my song, and the teenager kisses my face". I thought to myself, what kind of woman is this!

7. Listen to Terry Lin's "Love Song for Singles" again: "How frustrated and brave love is ..." Wow, such an open slogan!

8. The theme song "Make me sad or drunk ..." in Richie Jen always hears "Make me sad or drunk ..." Hey, why do you always have a problem with the hero! ! !

9. In ChristianRandPhillips's Cloud in Hometown, "Come back, come back" sounds like "The ghost is coming, the ghost is coming!"

10 Listen to May's sisters say, "You are my sister, you are my baby!" I don't understand why it belongs to my sister and my uncle! ?

1 1 My colleague listened to Jeff Chang Shin-Che's "Love is like a Tide" and asked me doubtfully: "Why did he sing' Promise me that you will never line up in the middle of the night'?"

12 the first time I listened to Tong Ange's Girl in Jelja, I was taken aback and heard: "Wild donkey, mysterious wild donkey ~ ~ ~".

13. If you can't hear the lyrics clearly, Jay Chou is the first one. He hummed a song: Little Bitch, Little Bitch, Little Bitch, Little Bitch ... I sang along with it, and I didn't know until I was laughed at by young fans: that guy sang Jay Chou, Jay Chou, Jay Chou ... Some people called themselves little bitches. ...

14 when Donald was a child, "uh-oh, the performance began" sounded like "uh-oh, wild boar shit!"

15 ... Listen to Liu Huan's "Glory of Asia"-the Asian wind blows-the two bald men in the village always thought they were "Asian bombers".

16 I listened to Su Xiaoming's Night at the Port: "Night at the Port is Quiet" is "Ye Jing of King Kong". Does King Kong grow from trees?

17, or Su Xiaoming's night in the harbor: the sea breeze blows gently and the waves shake gently-listen: the sea breeze blows gently and the sea wolf bites gently-what is the sea wolf like? What are you biting?

18 When I was a child, I heard the Yellow River chorus "The Yellow River is roaring, the Yellow River is roaring". I always thought it was the Yellow River of Sanyuan Artillery School, and I still can't figure it out.

19 "Listening to Mom's Memories": We sat beside a high grain pile ~ ~ ~

Listen: we are sitting next to a pile of tall bones ~ ~ The scene of piles of bones comes to mind, sweating like a pig!

20. When I was a child, I heard the loudspeaker sing: "The countryside with flowers and plants has a new look ...". Why is it "a country full of flowers" and "a new look"? I don't know. Later, when I grew up, I realized that "the cooperative countryside has taken on a new look ...".

2 1 Listen to "Unforgettable Tonight": Goodbye, goodbye, see you in the morgue. ..........................................................................................................................................

22. Listen to Lu Huabing: Every night when I think of my mother's words, my tears are shining. Lu Huabing-Listen: My tears are shining when Grandpa thinks of my mother's words. ~ ~

23. When I was a child, I heard a sentence in my motherland: "I am used to listening to the official number and watching the white sails on the ship ... I am screaming." What I heard was: "I'm used to hearing red-hot mice, but I can't see the alum on the boat." Finally, there is always a sentence: a paste of black.

24. Listening to Elva Hsiao's "Theme Song of Love", I thought it was "Brother Pig of Love", which sang "I am singing and I feel everything, so you are my brother pig", especially "The whole city is a brother pig of love", which was particularly depressing.

25. Listen to CoCo Lee's Magic Mirror, and there is a saying: Magic Mirror, tell me, what do men want? I heard it: hen hen told me, what do men want? Others listened: mom and mom told me, what do men want?

26. In junior high school, the whole class sang the national anthem before each class. Once several boys in the class sang "Braving the enemy's gunfire, forward, forward, forward!" I sang very hard, especially in Japanese, and later I learned that they sang: "Hold the enemy's wife, forward, forward, forward!" " " ……

27. Loneliness, a song that is often played in discos, is very confusing when I first listen to it. How can such a vulgar song be played! Because the repeated "loneliness, loneliness, loneliness, oh, loneliness at night" sounds like "get you, get you, get you ... oh, catch you, catch you at night.

28. I played Rollin Wang's song. I'm not a locust. I can't be a centipede.

29. Listening to Liang Guang's "Oh, it's the first time for me" is easy to be heard as touching yourself for the first time ~ ~ ~

30. In Sammi Kao's Waiting for a Thousand Years, "the water of the West Lake, my tears" was heard as "the water of my daughter-in-law, my tears" and "the water of washing clothes, my tears", alas!

3 1. The first sentence of Song of Macao, which was popular when Macao returned to China, was "You know Macao, not my real name". I always thought it was: "It's good not to eat me!"